Oh, my. Such tension as Chapter 19 opens. I can hardly contain myself. Christian’s helicopter, the Charlie Tango & Cash, is MISSING. He is immediately on the news, because now random rich businessmen are as famous as Brad Pitt. His family and Ana and some other stupid people sit around being sadfaced. For like two pages. And then, oh what a relief. Christian comes back. Hoo-freaking-ray.
Once the hooplah about the return of
Jesus Christian dies down I decide to take the opportunity to interview Dr. Grace Trapper-Keeper-Grey, otherwise known as Christian’s Mommy – the adoptive one, not the crackwhore, cause she’s dead and my Ouija board is on the fritz.
Alice: Hello Grace. How’s it going?
Grace: My poor baby was missing and we thought he was dead until just moments ago! How do you think I feel?
Alice: Well, I felt elated, but I’m guessing you had the sads.
Grace: I did, but then he returned! Oh, Alice it was a miracle! Eight hours no one saw and then about fifteen minutes of suffering and worry. Also a bunch of Ana’s irritating flashbacks. Those were the worst.
Alice: Yippee. So what happened?
Grace: Well, he showed up carrying his jacket and socks and shoes for some reason and looking tired but beautiful, of course. We all cried and shouted and I flung myself on him and said I died a thousand deaths.
Alice: This book will have that effect on you.
Grace: I asked why he didn’t call and he said his cell phone was dead.
Alice: So that’s why we were spared emails for three whole pages.
Grace: We are all so relieved he came home safe. He was such a good little boy, you know. No trouble at all. You didn’t even have to touch him, unlike that annoying Mia and Elliot, always wanting food and hugs and all that crap. If only I’d gotten them from crackwhores. Maybe they’d have turned out as well as Christipoo.
Alice: Um. Yeah. So, you really don’t know about your son’s, um, extracurricular activities do you?
Grace: There are some things that disturb me, Alice.
Alice: Really? You mean you know about the –
Grace: Karate. Yes. He thinks he’s Bruce Lee, but he still can’t break a tough brownie in two without help.
Alice: Yup, that’s the disturbing part, alright.
Grace: Also that Ana. What is wrong with that twit?
Alice: There’s just so much.
Grace: I am afraid they- they – might be having sex, Alice.
Alice: You don’t say.
Grace: Sigh. Anyway, he hugged me a bit and then he pushed me off and went to hold her while she wailed and then Elliot asked for more details about the “chopper” which makes Christian madfaced because it’s a helicopter, you see, the safest on the market.
Alice: Clearly. Now it’s a big hunk of molten metal, but whatevs.
Grace: And then Taylor said his daughter was fine.
Alice: What daughter? What does that have to do with anything?
Grace: I have no idea. Anyway, Christian said he was flying with his number two.
Grace: Ros wanted to see Mt Saint Helens, so they were only 200 feet above ground level when the helicopter caught fire, and that’s why they didn’t die and all.
Alice: 200 feet is still rather far up, isn’t it? I mean, if I fell 200 feet, I think I’d be pretty smashed up, especially if I was surrounded in metal and fire.
Grace: So he landed and he put out the fire – with a fire extinguisher – and it was so brave of him because both engines were on fire!
Alice: He put out a huge helicopter fire with . . . one fire extinguisher.
Grace: And then he used the Blackberry GPS to guide them.
Alice: I thought he had no reception.
Grace: He didn’t. But the GPS still worked because it operates by magic.
Grace: It took them four hours to walk because silly Ros wore heels.
Alice: What a bitch.
Grace: Then they hitched a ride for free with a friendly truck driver who shared his lunch.
Alice: Was he from Sesame Street perhaps? Why couldn’t they have gotten one of those homicidal maniac truck drivers?
Grace: Christian was so anxious to be back because Jose was staying with Ana and he was worried they were going to start having an affair in the eight hours he was missing.
Alice: Well, Ana does have the memory of a goldfish.
Grace: But then Christian and Ana wanted to be alone so we went home. But – do you know what happened? I just found out! Ana gave Christian his present and it was a key chain!
Alice: What a thrill.
Grace: But Alice, on the back of the keychain was the word YES! She accepted Christian’s proposal as his birthday present!
Alice: Here I was hoping for a funeral, and we get a wedding.* Crap in a hat.
* I’m still not going to that freaking wedding.
As my fabulous vacation to the land of the Mucus Pneumonias draws to a close (it had better be drawing to a close) I return now to another bunch of crap someone spat up. No, I didn’t forget about that festering disease known as 50 Shades. It’s still there, and there’s still, dear God, five chapters left.
Chapter 18 is full of thrills. No, it’s not. It’s full of shit. Like always. What’s even worse is that her shit has nothing to do with any other shit she writes. I mean, normally you divide a story into chapters for some reason. Like, say, this is the chapter where they screw in the kitchen and the elevator and hanging from the chandelier, and this is the chapter where Ana is almost raped by Snidely Whiplash on the copier. There’s some consistency of some vague sort, somewhere, somehow. But not with E.L. James. Sure, she does try to end on a cliffhanger, if you find “will they have sex” a cliffhanger after they’ve had it roughly 5 billion times already. But otherwise, it’s a bunch of freaking pick up sticks. Why? Just why?
For instance, this chapter involves shopping for a big fancy house, and Christian telling Ana to take off her panties again, and them teasing each other with oysters again, and him fingering her in the elevator again, before finally screwing on the coffee table. Also, Ana picks out another present for Christian from the Red Room o’ Pain! This goes on for pages and pages and pages and pages. But that’s not all! No, no, no, then Jose and Kate show up from out of freaking nowhere! Of course they do! And obviously no chapter is complete without the goddamn emails.
But I was going to interview someone, so I guess I’ll go with one of the two characters she has ignored until realizing that she has taken care of any potential conflict and yet has five chapters yet to go. We’ll start with Jose.
Alice: Hello, Jose. Where have you been?
Jose: Oh, lurking. I think Ana really likes me.
Jose: Because she’s shown absolutely no interest in me so far, and is currently shacked up with this rich asshole.
Alice: Makes sense. Here’s another question. Why are you interested in her to begin with?
Jose: Because . . . um . . . she’s beguiling, and witty, and intelligent and . . .
Alice: No, she’s not.
Jose: She speaks Mandarin and plays all these musical instruments!
Alice: Not once have we seen her do any of those things.
Jose: Huh. Good point there. She’s hot.
Alice: At least we’re getting somewhere now. You do realize you were shuttled off to the Friend Zone years ago and are never, ever getting out, right?
Jose: I think there’s hope. She really responded when I tried to rape her that night we got drunk. I mean, we’re still totally tight after all that.
Alice: That’s because she’s an idiot and has no spine.
Jose: Alice, you are not very nice.
Alice: No. I’m not. Because I hate you. I hate you all. Now tell me what the hell happened this chapter? I mean, part of it was them flirting and screwing each other and house shopping, and you weren’t there for that . . . crap, were you there?
Jose: I might, might have been following them.
Alice: I . . . nevermind. So she invited you to stay at Christian’s place.
Jose: Yeah. I asked if they were serious.
Alice: They’re freaking living together, you moron.
Jose: And then I pointed out that he’s, like, too old for her.
Alice: He’s five years older and they’re both in their twenties. Big fucking deal.
Jose: Then Kate showed up with her brother Ethan, and Ethan was all hot after Ana, and that made me madfaced.
Alice: I don’t give a shit.
Jose: But then came the best part! Christian’s brother said the Charlie Tango was missing.
Alice: The what?
Jose: That’s Christian’s helicopter.
Alice: Oh, right. Ohhhh, you mean missing? So is he dead? Because I don’t want to break out the champagne for nothing.
Jose: We don’t know. That’s how the chapter ends. I’m kind of hoping it went down in flames and just exploded all over the place, sending pieces of Christian everywhere.
Alice: We can dream, Jose. We can dream.*
*I know there’s no way he could be dead, because we have four more chapters and, sweet white baby Jesus, another book to go. But allow me my little moment of happy thoughts.