Game of Thrones, yayyyyy. For the last recap, see the Game of Thrones Recap button at the top. Saying I’ve bothered to transfer them over there. Crap there’s a lot of stuff in this one. Let’s get to it.
“Jousting with the Stars” is still going on. Ned keeps poking around asking questions. More tournament blood and gore.
Meanwhile, Ned’s wife is busy endangering her entire family by dragging along poor Tyrion, who asks “What kind of imbecile would arm an assassin with his own blade?” Uh, dur-rup, Lady Stark. They get attacked by some random dudes and Tyrion protects his captor who shows her appreciation by dragging him to her sister, who Tyrion describes as unhinged (surprise!), because . . . I forget.
Back at Winterfell, Bran Stark is doing homework written by George R. R. Martin. He’s learning the different houses of all these crazy characters (good luck, kid). Each house has a motto, and the Lannister’s is “Hear Me Roar”. Pfft, seriously?
That kid who isn’t a Stark but was raised by the Starks cause he’s a prisoner of the Starks (keep up) goes on about his great bloodline to a prostitute who just sits there naked. Totally normal.
Ned is visited by this bald dude on his council who had his balls cut off. He tells him that the last Hand of the King was probably murdered by this knight that just got killed by Mountain and Ned is like, who would hire that guy to kill the Hand? Oh, gee, let me think.
No-balls also warns Ned that the last Hand was killed cause he started asking questions. In other words, stfu, Ned. Gawd. Cute little Arya Stark overhears no-balls talking about Ned but has no idea what’s going on (like the rest of us) but even she figures out it’s not good. Ned pats her on the head.
Weasel Boy and No-Balls talk about how the brothel caters to everyone, even those who like little boys and dead people! Also about how No-Balls has no balls! Yay, that was so necessary to the plot, thanks so much! They gossip some more like girls in a junior high bathroom until mercifully interrupted to go to a council meeting. At the meeting, the king says they gotta kill Dany, cause that Jor-El dude told him the pregnant teen and her barbarian buds are a threat. Ned’s like, no way that’s not cool, and the king is yeah huh is so and Ned says well I quit and throws down his badge. And the king says “We are totes not buds anymore!”
So Weasel Boy is all hey I can give you more clues about the death of the last Hand that can totally get you killed, or, you know, you could just beat cheeks and get the hell out of here. So Ned goes with him. Of course he does.
Meanwhile, Cate Stark gets to her sister’s with Tyrion. Her wackadoodle sister is sitting there breastfeeding her son who looks like he’s about seven or eight. Turns out dear sister went batshit crazy when she didn’t make it on the cover of Time Magazine. But even she realizes that Cate is a moron for bringing Tyrion there and endangering them all. Lady Cray-Cray accuses Tyrion of murdering her husband, and Tyrion remarks that gee, he’s been pretty damn busy. He’s put in one of the “sky cells” which are rooms with a hell of a view – like thousands of feet below.
But enough of that, let’s see a gay dude shaving his lover’s chest. I forget who they were.
Queen Cersei and King Robert yammer about possible invasion by barbarians and if he ever twuly luved her. He says “Hell, no.”
Ned finds one of King Robert’s baby bastards (they love that word) and her mom in Weasleboy’s brothel. Weaselboy says the last Hand was tracking down all the king’s bastards for some reason. That’s a lot of bastards. Bastards.
Ned leaves and runs into Cersei’s brother / lover (gag) Jaime and Jaime is all, where is my brother who I suddenly care about? And Ned’s like, oh shit, and says he ordered his idiot wife to capture him cause he’s noble which in this universe translates to “has no freaking common sense”. Jaime has his men kill Ned’s men, and Ned gets madfaced, and they fight until one of Jaime’s guards spear’s Ned’s leg. Ned fall down and go boom.
Things are lookin’ bad! Don’t worry, it’s all downhill from here! Oh, right, a song. To Full House!
Game Full of Thrones
Whatever happened to peeps with nobility?
Like Ned Stark, and Tyrion, and that’s about it.
You miss your old happy shows
But waiting just around the bend
Everywhere you look (everywhere)
There’s a bunch (there’s a bunch)
Of crazy evil people
Everywhere you look (everywhere)
There’s a face of someone who wants to kill you
When you’re into the characters
And you hope they live
An author is waiting to kill them all off
Everyone is screwed.
Season 1: Episode 5
Death toll: Lots
Nakey toll: 3: 1 totally naked prostitute, two bare chested dudes (whose chests were not impressive, no fair)