A lot has happened in the past few months.  Or maybe just the last few weeks, but at any rate, I feel much better now thanks to a gift I’ll talk about in a future post (it’s not the pee pee tree, though you’ll get more info on that as well!  Cheers!).  Right now, though, the clock is ticking and it’s just five days till Christmas, so you might want to think about buying something that isn’t from 7-11 for your family this year.

If you’d like to get a little something for me, maybe think about a keyboard that hasn’t had coke spilled on it.  Thanks to someone’s cola addiction the “y” ke,  which turns out is a ver important letter, makes it difficult to tyyyyyyyyyyyyyyype normallyyy.  But enough ado, now for myyy list of top 5 Christmas gifts for your little brat!  Btw, I made sure these all came from Amazon, since Santa is letting Bezos deliver now that he owns half the planet.

5. Obligatory Frightening Olaf 

In honor of Frozen II and the merchandising genius of Disneyyyy, who owns the other half of the planet, I present Lego Olaf.  

Look out, he’s armed!

Lego does pretty well with buildings, but creating a person, animal or in this case, snowman, doesn’t work so well.  Seeing this pop up caused both Thing One and I a jump scare, and we saw the whole movie (Frozen II: Freeze Harder).  It gets worse, though.  Check out the other wayyys to assemble Olaf.  

In this movie, Olaf becomes a maniacal robot out for blood. (Spoiler!

Personally I’d just leave this guyyy unassembled.  

4. Puppet-on-a-Stick

Lots of good things come on sticks, like corndogs, cotton candy, carrots, etc.  Then there are these guys.

That puppet is clearly calling “Helpppp meeeeee.”

You can’t tell from the picture, but these guys are basically plungers with mouths that kids operate with a knob so it looks like they are talking.  I love how the description above reads “Perfect for family announcements.”  Really?  What announcement would you want to make with puppets, especially these puppets?

Possible Options: Mommy and Daddy are getting a divorce!  Scruffy died!  You’re adopted!

Just think how useful these puppets could be in the Presidential debates!  Candidates could hide behind their podiums and continue to puppet the same tired talking points, but this way they could get in some Punch and Judy action too.  Ratings would surely go up.

3. Stuffed Composers

Anyone remember the Baby Einstein stuff from the 1990s and early 2000s that had parents thinking they could make their babies smarter by playing them classical music?  And how that was a load of crap?  Guess what?

They’re back!  It’s not just the Mozart effect this time, though. You can get a Ludwig Von Beethoven bear or even a Fryderyk Chopin (rolls off the tongue) bear!  Finally, now babies will quit begging to hear more Fryderyk!  You know how sometimes babies cry but nothing seems to satisfy them?  It’s because you didn’t get them a composer bear, you jerk.  There’s nothing like having a stuffed animal do your parenting for you!

He’ll be fine.  Mozart’s a great babysitter.

2. Baby Shark Baby

Shark, Shark, Baby.  Okay maybe I was a bit harsh on the composer bears.  At least their music doesn’t stick in your head like the popular Baby Shark song “Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo Dee Doo BABY SHAAAAARRRRRRK!”  What could be more annoying?  Pairing it with a Baby Alive doll of course!

Buy this for a friend’s child and be instantly un-friended.

What’s most fun about this doll though is that it is an even bigger liar than the composer bears.  This doll does not sing Baby Shark.  It also cannot go in water, according the instructions reviewers received along with their doll.  This is in spite of both Amazon saying up above that it is great for “splashy water play fun!” and the picture showing the doll in water.  Whoops.

Or not.

1. Baby-Go-Puke Doll

I realize the last two selections have been baby dolls, but I think these are the most messed up dolls they make.  Who could forget the doll from yesteryear’s Christmas list that could poop charms?  I know I can’t, though I still try.  

On the plus side, this doll definitely does stuff, so parents shouldn’t be disappointed.

Brush up on your EMT skills, preschoolers!  No pressure!

Lots of kids like to play doctor (no, not like that, sicko).  This doll takes that above and beyond the realm of normal.  No, she doesn’t actually projectile vomit (I always thought adding that to the Betsy Wetsy doll would make it more realistic) but she does have multiple ailments your child must quickly fix in order to stop it from crying a very lifelike cry, which is documented as one of the most stressful sounds on earth.  And just like with real babies, you have no idea what problem the doll has until you try everything, which in this case can be up to seven different problems.  Fun!

Heart attack?  Smallpox?  Ebola?  You just don’t know!

So there’s your list of go-to toys for the holiday season!  Hurry up and order, and if you can, address these toys directly to the parents’ addresses.  One reviewer reported that the last doll sounded like “mating cats” in the box, so unless you’re into that kind of thing, best to not even have it in the house.

Merry Christmas!  And may your familyyyyy be forgiving!

~Alice