What is NaNoWriNo? Well, it started with Jen of Jen and Tonic when she decided she thought NaNoWriMo was too much work, so instead of writing 50,000 words, she’d just write a blog post every day for a month. Like with Nano, it’d be more about quantity than quality, which means we can make our posts suck if we want. Now I’d been doing that anyway (writing posts once a day, not sucking, although possibly that too), and it was making my head spin, so I decided to not do that. But then Jen said she was doing it, and then Speaker 7 said she was doing it too, and then this other blogger said she was doing it (I forgot her name, sorry) and so then it was like I had to do it too. Because when they say would you jump off a cliff if your friends did, that pretty much describes me.
Of course, I think Jen and Speaker have a much better chance of getting people loving even their suckiest posts because they are awesome plus they have mob ties with Le Clown™. He invites them over to his blog for parties all the time. Does he invite Alice™? No. And all because she might have said her contest was better than his because she lets people cheat. And she made fun of him. And she started trademarking whatever he hadn’t trademarked, including his name: Le Clown™. Still, is that a reason not to invite someone to be a guest on your flaming clown blog? No it is not. Don’t you like how I answer my own questions? Of course you do.
So anyhoo, that’s 30 blog posts right there, but allowing suckiness is definitely making me feel better about this. You see I type pretty fast, but not nearly as fast as I think (eleventybillion words a second), so I can write most blog posts in around 10 minutes or so (except the 50 Shades ones as they require reading and puking breaks). However, I like adding pictures, and this can take hours hunting around on scary Google Images for just the right stupid picture that probably no one will notice I snatched. So I figured I could try recycling my pictures, which I have never done before.
Speaker mentioned she might just write the word “Post” which is brilliant. She is also fortunate in that she has two blog helpers, providing they let Hugo out of puppet prison and Goofy gets out of rehab. I need blog helpers, besides Thing One and Thing Two who perch beside me at the computer while I type (except NOT when I am writing the 50 shades posts. I want to protect their fragile brains from Dumb™.) Maybe I can dig around in their toy chests. Or I could get a voodoo doll that might or might not be a clown.
Oh, right, and there was this other thing going on next month. No, not the turkey thing, the Movember thing, with the mustaches and prostate awareness and stuff. I’m thinking many bloggers will write moving and enlightening posts on this topic. I will not be one of them. Probably I will put a mustache on a turkey.
So this is Alice™ signing off. Let’s see which one of us poops out first. Or just uses “poop” in a post. Why is everyone looking at me?
I’ve seen some other blog posts detailing the interesting, odd, and sometimes just plain disturbing search terms that people use to find your blog. These search terms are handily gathered by WordPress on the Stats page (that I know none of you ever look at, right?) I figured I’d give mine a look-see, even though with some of my content (cough, 50 Shades of crap, cough) I was somewhat nervous. Here are 20 of my most interesting / odd / disturbing results starting with the most used first.
This is actually comforting, because 17 times someone found my blog by actually putting in my name. At least I think they did. It’s possible they don’t know the real title to Alice in Wonderland. Either way, I’ll take it.
2. ana wants beat because she is wet
Yeah. Um, this one was used four different times. Either there are four somewhat icky people, or one person who was interested enough in the topic to use this term four times and find me every time. I thought about trying to find myself with this, and then decided it wouldn’t be worth the computer STDs I would get in return.
3. cancer weekly horoscope
I have a suspicion they found dove candy wrapper fortunes a little odd. Then again, we’re talking people who read horoscopes, so maybe it was right on the money. This one came up four times.
4. the blue paw print is a “blues’s clues”, telling you this object is important in some way.
Well, I did do a snarky children’s tv review of Blue’s Clues, but it’s weird that this exact term was used three times. Then again, the concept is pretty hard for Joe, so maybe it is for others as well.
* The rest of these got 1 hit a piece, although I have grouped similar ones together with a /.
5. reviews of 50 shades of alice
There are fifty shades of me? I probably reached several of those while I was sick.
6. fifty shades of crap
I like that one just because.
7. san franco ca.free things for people on SSI
Fairly certain I have never written about this topic, but maybe I missed something.
8. 50 shades buttplug scene / 50SoG buttplug / butt plugs / glass bling butt plug
I’m so proud of this
9. horse tail buttplug sex pics
This I’m a little disturbed about.
10. riding crops
I wonder if they were looking for actual riding equipment there. If so, oopsie.
11. why fifty shades of grey makes women mad at their husbands
Because their husbands don’t beat them like Christian does? I dunno.
12. dragon playroom
The Red Room O’ Pain suddenly got more interesting.
13. coo coo ca choo alice
This one is my absolute favorite.
14. alice mon crack
Am I a Jamaican druggie?
15. infantilize children lazy
16. whore mommy / whore mom / mommy whore
17. 50Sog tampon / 50 SoG ice cream
I’ll take what does Christian put in and take out of Ana for 200, Alex
18. ana steele even stupider in 50 Shades Darker
19. inner goddess balls
I’d like to see those
20. french canadian clown / a clown eating pictures
Oh, Le Clown, you do inspire! Others to my blog. Thanks. They might go to you looking for buttplugs now, though, so I’d keep an eye on your search terms.
This has been quite the experience delving into the pit of scum and villainy that is the Internets. And my readers! People love me, they really do! Also buttplugs. And horse sex pics. I’m going back to the My Little Pony pic now.
Exciting things have been happening in my blogger circle. Le Clown did the impossible. He got freshly pressed! We were still reeling from someone getting pressed that was actually im-pressive (do you see what I did there?) when we heard that his lovely wife Sara had also been freshly pressed! Talk about weird odds! Not only that, she was pressed for a post on the clown’s serious site, Black Box Warnings, which is really cool because it calls attention to medication issues. As someone who often has knee jerk reactions to those that are anti-meds because of personal experiences, I have seen a little of both sides and this site has made me rethink a few things. Don’t you hate it when people freaking make you think? Ugh.
Well, it gets even weirder. Two more of his followers, Rollergiraffe and Bumble Files were also pressed! In fact, if you look right now, Le Clown, Sara, and Rollergiraffe (I hear her name is Jen) are all on the same page. I’ve never seen so many blogs I know and actually like on a Freshly Pressed page before. And not one of them wrote about cooking or photography or cooking photography. Amazing.
I am so very happy for all of these people, especially Le Clown and Sara because they have done so much for the blogging community and brought many of us together in their insane little circle. It’s about time they got paid back for all their effort. And I say this not because I actually consider them bloggy friends (we are still, like bloggy friends now that you’re famouser, right?) but because I mean it. I’m not exactly a nicey nice person for the heck of it.
Which is sort of my problem. For while I am genuinely happy for my friends, I admit that there is a part of me that is well, you knew this picture was coming up right?
Remember the old cartoons with the devil and the angel on a person’s shoulders? The angel says “Yay, you should be so happy for your friends!” But the devil says “You’re so jealous you can’t see straight. It’s not fairrrrr. Hey, uh, want to make a deal? I have this bald puppet friend that’s good with curses. Just FYI.”
It’s a terrible battle, isn’t it? The green-eyed monster really likes me. He’s been hanging out since I was small. It’s not a fun thing to admit that you can be a jealous little twerp. But here I am, admitting it. It’s one of my faults that I struggle to overcome. Hey, that was totally an epiphany. That’s like, something they might put on, I don’t know, some site that shows impressive blogs, you know? Where are my food pictures?
I’m getting off track. I do know I’m not the only jealous little twerp because up until this week Le Clown has been making awesome badges like this one.
He thumbed his nose in the face of Big Brother WordPress. Bah, WordPress! Le suck, WordPress! What’s this, I’m freshly pressed? Whooo-hooo! (BTW this is exactly what I would do.)
So now we are short one Robin Hood, one who stands in the face of the Big Guy, who robs from the rich blogs to give to the poor blogs. We need a new hero. I think I’m just jealous and whiny enough to fill that role. I’ve even got an official badge now that Le Clown has
sold out been conducted rightly into the WordPress Hall of Fame. It’s a lot of responsibility, but if that little twit Spiderman can do it, so can I.
You know, unless I get Freshly Pressed. Then you guys are totally on your own. But since I have the ultimate confidence in thyself, I doubt this will be for a while, so get used to your new self-proclaimed champion. Besides being a petulant wanna-be, I also fight zombies. I’m pretty well-rounded for a hero. Or heroine. No, that sounds like a drug. Why do female versions of words sound so bad? Like Master / Mistress? What is up with that? Anyway, make that hero. I am your hero, so no need to hold out until the end of the night cause I’m strong and I’m fast and I’m fresh from the fight. Get it? Fresh. Also larger than life. And totally original too.
It’s a tough job, but someone has to do it. You’re welcome.
Update: Madame Weebles was also pressed. I
hate love you guys.
You might have noticed, if you pay a weird amount of attention to the badges on my blog, and hey, who wouldn’t, that there is a new badge there. It looks like this:
If you guessed that this badge was designed by a Canadian clown with too much time on his hands, you guessed right! And I think it is pretty cool, cause even though there is not a unicorn on this badge, and it’s not gold, it does have a mustache. And mustaches are pretty cool, especially if they are on Tom Selleck. Observe:
So what is Movember? I’m not exactly sure. It’s in November and it’s supposed to raise awareness for Prostate Cancer and mental illness in men. I’m not a men, but I figure I have lots of Cancer and crazy in my family history, so I might as well support this.
I know you don’t have a real picture of me, but I really am a gal, not some creepy dude with a strange fondness for little girls in pinafores (Hello, Mr. Carroll). Some of my readers know me in the flesh (that’s personally, get your mind out of the gutter) so they could vouch for me. Other than that, I guess you have to take my word for it. But even though I don’t have a prostate that I know of, I still think Cancer sucks. And if you have Cancer, you’re probably going to have depression too. This Movember business fights both.
How? Again, no idea. But mustaches are involved. I think you grow one if you’re a guy (or a female with lots of testosterone) or something. You’d have to go to Le Clown’s blog and get further confused over there. Anyway, if it’s a good cause I will support it, nevermind that I might win prizes while drawing more attention to my blog. This never crossed my mind.
Anyway, stay tuned for further developments on Movember, like say, what it is and so on. You’ll be glad you did.
And crank out another blog post! I have learned so much from E.L. James. For instance, you do not have to have anything remotely interesting or even sane to say in order to write for pages and pages. Wait, I learned that in college English. Still, E.L. enforced it.
Scienerf, who is a fabulous lady with an awesome dog and blog, gave me this award because she knows I like bling even though the idea of my blog being lovely is really funny. Maybe it’s an Ironic Lovely Blog Award? A Lovely Use of the Word Buttplug Award? A Shut the Crap Up Alice Here Is Your Bling And Would You Like a Cookie Award? It can be all of these things and more!
It comes with rules. This award does not realize that I am Rebel Library Person and so rules do not apply to me. But what the heck, like I’m doing anything else productive. I’m supposed to list seven random things about myself and nominate 15 bloggers. Or was it that I was supposed to nominate seven mes and say random things about 15 bloggers. I get so confused. But I think that’s it. So here goes. I nominate myself, Inner goddess, Subconscious, the One behind the Alice, Bratty younger sister, Slacker mom, and Poster Child for Various Mental Disorders for the Lovely Blog Award because scienerf nominated me and so I am lovely and you guyz who don’t think so can suck it, okay? Good.
Random Things About 15 Bloggers:
Scienerf is cool and not just because she gave me bling so go visit her blog and see her cute dog and oh yeah her writing.
Le Clown says he is from Canada but is actually from planet Le Zoltran.
Speaker 7 has a puppet named Hugo who last I heard was arrested for public indecency at a Chuck E. Cheese.
Angie uses her blog Childhood Relived to melt peoples brains with evil 80s memories until they are under her mind control and willing to send her endless bling like winky Strawberry Shortcake dolls.
Judith of Stork Hunting writes about all the fun you can have in a pair of stirrups.
Angel of The Mirth of Despair writes posts that actually are lovely and not about buttplugs.
Ruby Tuesday of I Was Just Thinking is, in fact, not a restaurant but a very sweet lady that likes knights with pointy toes.
Love and Lunchmeat is not processed food filled with nitrates. She is leader of the Zombie Apocalypse Task Force. I am her second-in-command because I just nominated myself.
Theabrasiveembrace kind of reminds me of Cyndi Lauper. Her blog just wants to have fun. Or something.
Madame Weebles made me my own purple heart ribbon and I didn’t even have to get shot at for it.
Lulu of Sunny With a Chance of Armaggedon and I will hopefully one day leave our blogs and form our own Dream Team with the other Canvas authors.
Mooselicker writes a blog when he is not licking moose. Or is it mooses?
Rich Full Life has a rich, full blog and a cute baby. Go look at the cute baby! Now!
Miss Four Eyes likes glasses and according to her About page is not clinically insane, so she can be my token sane person.
Sara of Laments and Lullabies is married to Le Clown but is not from Planet Le Zoltran. Theirs is a mixed marriage of clown and human.
There are so many other bloggers I love that I could make an endless list but I have mush brains which I for now will blame on James and plus there is also that attention problem that I have oh hey look, a sad pony!
Don’t be a sad pony. If I like you, I will say something stupid, annoying, or possibly nice about you in a future blog post because that’s the kind of gal I am plus I need blogger fodder and oh yeah, bling.
No, this post isn’t about winning a stupid contest. Although it does refer to one that was about winning a stupid contest. Said post was the one in which I nominated myself for Queen of the Internets for receiving a gold unicorn badge from a Canadian clown. I figured it would only be fitting, then, to like my own post. Because I did like it. It had a UNICORN. Here is what WordPress told me:
This just makes me want to like all my posts from now on.
I’m not sure why WordPress is concerned about our inflated egos. I mean, at this moment, bloggers like Le Clown have egos bigger than our biggest state: Canada.*
I like my blog. It’s special, and not just because it has a gold unicorn, although, seriously, can you get better than this freaking thing?
But it’s not just that badge. I have OTHERS. And another one I really love is my Canvas badge, because I am now a Canvas author. To be a Canvas author, you have to be nuts. I know, right? I totally qualify. Just kidding. You actually have to be approved by Ruby, who has a really cool blog that I am going to promote again called The Canvas of the Minds. It’s a mental health blog. People are going to go visit just to get us to shut up. I know they will.
When I’m not writing about removing the stigma from mental health, I’m writing about removing the threat of zombies. As a proud member of the Zombie Apocalypse Task Force I thanklessly work to rid out country of this menace. There are still many more though, thanks to Reality T.V. If you want to join this effort, suck up to Love and Lunchmeat. You’ll get this awesome zombie bling.
Is that all the fame I have acquired you may ask? No, it is not. I also have this badge, which is awesome because it has a Meerkat and a dirty word that I will have to cover up when I show this post to my kids in the same way I cover most stuff with bad language. I will read it as an entirely different word. Fools them every time, even though they’ve been able to read quite a while now. At least they tell me it does.
See how I sneaked him in there? That one came from Elaine4Queen who said if I mentioned her I would get mentioned on her blog in her awards category. Freaking sneaky, isn’t it? I like this kind of award because you’re not expected to do anything for it, and I am lazy. Which reminds me of another lazy award that is totally awesome.
If you want to get this award, you just have to go to Dotty’s blog. Oh, and there’s some questions I’m supposed to answer. Let’s see here:
QUESTIONS TO ANSWER
1. How many bricks do you own?
Lots. They’re on my house. I tried to count but I got bored after 1 and went back and messed around on the Internet. Also, my husband probably has some lying around the yard somewhere. He’s a collector.
2. How many Cumberland sausages can you fit in your mouth without chewing?
I’m another clueless one that doesn’t know what a Cumberland sausage is and won’t look it up. But I do love McDonald’s sausage biscuits. I think I can safely get one sausage biscuit wedged into my mouth at one time. But I like to savor the unhealthiness bite by bite.
3. What is your most inventive way of using biscuits (or cookies if you’re American)?
After reading that 5o Shades book, I’m not sure if I should answer this one. But one inventive thing to do with cookies is give a ginger snap to your unsuspecting three-year-old who bites down on something as hard as concrete and looks at you like “Why has thou betrayed me?”
4. If it was made compulsory to have a mental illness which one would you choose and why? (If you have a mental illness already you have to choose another).
I think I would choose Multiple Personality Disorder because then you could be your own friend. In spite of my earlier posts, I don’t actually have real multiple personalities like the main character in a book I’m reading, I just pretend. Shut UP, subconscious!
Okay, moving on. Are you still with me? Good. So here’s the last award I’m going to mention. It came from Mr. MaryfoofooPoppins (not really his name, check his blog to find out) at a Spoonful of Suga and requires some more work on my part. It’s a chain mail award, but I don’t care because it is my chain mail award. Here it is.
I am very appreciative of this award because it’s pretty and says I’m “Kreativ”. Do you get it? It’s Kreativ because of the spelling of Kreativ. Oh, hey, there are questions for me to answer too. I’m supposed to tell you 7 things about myself and nominate 7 other bloggers.
1. I like to like my own posts.
2. I have a lot of awards. See?
3. I write on another blog. It’s called Canvas of the Minds, in case you forgot.
4. I am a sneaky blogger.
5. A sneaky blogger that is also mental.
6. A sneaky, mental blogger that won a gold unicorn award.
7. I am too lazy to nominate individuals, so everyone who reads my blog can have this award. Ta-da!
Okay, I think I’m done for now. Enjoy basking in my success. Also, if you want to join my success and be featured in my blog, send me bling. I hear Angie at Childhood Relived gets bling and I want bling too. If you must, steal hers, but be sneaky about it, okay?
Love me FOREVER,
P.S. Everyone, quick, like your own posts. Because you’re worth it.
*I don’t believe them that it’s a real country. I still think it’s a state. We got it in that Louisiana Purchase thing where the French said, le pfft, take it all, we’re drunk on French wine. Also, Texas believes it’s still its own country, and the rest of the country, I think, is inclined to let them (I love my state). So it only follows, using my logic system, that if Texas is a state and thinks it’s a country, then Canada must be a state. Makes total sense.
Did I mention that I won that blogroll contest? I mean, recently? Well, guess what? Le Clown made badges for us and this is the best, the absolute best part. There’s a freaking UNICORN on them. It’s not even a stupid clown, guys, it is a unicorn! I am so happy.
It is the most awesome badge ever. For one thing, it is way prettier than the Freshly Pressed badge. I mean, sure, you get the honor of being Freshly Pressed, but is your badge gold and shiny with a freaking unicorn on it? It’s not, is it? No? Losers.
It’s already on the margin of my blog, with a link to Le Clown. I am fairly certain he didn’t make these badges because he is trying to lure new victims into his clown cave of doom. Then again, he’s Canadian, and you just never know about those guys. Sure they act all peaceful, but do we really know what they’re up to over there? People should be prepared. I am. I have a gold seal with a unicorn on it. Also, I’m on the Zombie Apocalypse Task Force (thanks again to Love and Lunchmeat – that’ s her name. I don’t know why, you have to ask her. She gave me a badge too.) and so I feel pretty secure. Not that I’m saying the Zombie Apocalypse would start in Canada, but then again, would there be a more perfect place for zombies not to be noticed?
Speaking of Canada, there is also a Canadica badge out there, linking to the new blog where they talk about the United States and how Canada is not technically one of our states. You can learn so much on the Internet. Anyway, without further ado, here is my fabulous gold unicorn badge.
I know. You’re jealous, right? Of course you are.
I thought I would write a post on my reflections of Le Clown’s contest because 1) I want to get more mileage out of this crap and 2) I have a sinus infection and I forget. If you’ve never had a sinus infection, I will describe it for you. This one feels like I’ve got a vice strapped around my head, cotton jammed up in my ears, and what remaining brain cells I have (after this contest and reading the Book That Shall Not Be Named) have started spinning around like a drunken firefly ballet, bashing into the sides of my skull with the greatest of ease. Because of the disturbances in my equilibrium, I find myself both walking and typing like a drunken sailor. Slk jnnke;o inl;da;s kj.
Drunken Firefly Ballet would make a good band name. They could open for Clown Mafia.
Which reminds me of that other thought I had, which was to thank everyone who gave clown nose points to me because I’m not sure how I got ahead in the nose polls. Maybe it was leaving those horse head gifs in the inboxes of my competitors. Or possibly it was the spirit I projected of love and friendship and rainbow ponies. I’m thinking it was the gifs. Anyhoo, the most important thing to remember is that
I WON I WON I WON I WON!
That’s right, I came in fourth place and got a spot on the blogroll. Yay! There were other winners too, and really, all contestants were winners, but you should really remember that
I WON I WON I WON!
Oh, and the contest was also great because I met new bloggy friends and got followers, and found other blogs to follow, and wasted tons of time making snarky comments and posts, and now have some scary clown pics that are giving me nightmares. I had hoped to write a truly moving post about the meaningfulness of this – I’m not sure meaningfulness is a word, but Computer Grammar God didn’t put a scribble line under it while it did put a scribble line under bloggy, which everyone should know is a real word. But this sinus infection makes my thoughts fly around like my brain cells and it’s really hard to catch them and when you do you forget why you wanted to catch them anyway.
Where was I? Oh, right.
I WON I WON I WON.
If you would like better and probably saner reflections on this contest, you should go to Le Clown’s site and get the links yourself, because at this rate, I might link you to almost anything. But I just wanted to say thanks for everything, and I love you all, and people better click on my link on the blogroll now because I still have some of those horse head gifs left, and even worse, pics of evil clowns. So. Many. Clowns.
I thought for my final entry in Le Clown on Fire’s contest (this IS the final entry, right?) that I would review Le Clown through his various incarnations of horror. Rich Full Life (RFL) you gave me the idea for this one with your resurrection of Gymbo, so this is partly all your fault. Here we go.
Le Clown in Medieval Times. I’m not sure if he was Punch or Judy. Let’s go with Le Judy. The great thing about this pic is that I can also use it in my 50 shades of grey recaps. It’s nice to kill two clowns with one stone.
Le Clown haunting my childhood (early ’80s). Anyone else remember Bozo and his GRAND PRIZE GAME? Well, now you do. You’re welcome.
Speaking of Le Bozo, anyone else notice his uncanny resemblance to another Le Clown incarnation?
Coincidence? I think not.
Finally, we have Le Clown haunting the childhood of my children. Just as a reminder, this is all RPL’s fault. That’s right, folks. We’re talking Le Gymbo.
Oh, the horror. Have you no shame, Le Clown? I’m never shopping at Gymboree again.
So there you go, Le Clown through time. There were probably a few other incarnations in there, but I think that’s enough for our psyches for one day. I hope you’re happy, clown.