50 Shades Flunked Lesson Sixteen
Be prepared, readers. James gave us a break on that last chapter, by merely boring us to death. All the time she was setting us up for this clusterfuck of a chapter. Which leads into the question I asked last time, which was “In Chapter 16, we will all get the joy of experiencing: A) Ana trussed up like a pig . . . again, B) Christian being a total asshole and Ana showing spine for two seconds only to lose it to sexy power . . . again, D) A psycho ex-submissive with fluttery eyelashes yammering on way too long about absolutely nothing while we are all held prisoner for every single word., E) All of the above please kill me now.
It was all of the above, people. All of the fucking above. A few of you got it right. A few of you even noticed that I forgot to add a C) answer. One person chose it anyway. Miss Four Eyes came up with an interesting proposal “Hey do you want to write a horrible book about nothing and become a millionaire?!” Yes. Yes, I do. This could be incredible guys. Maybe like a choose your own adventure where we all take turns writing different parts. We don’t even have to check with each other, because we all know James knows nothing about continuity anyway. What do you say? After the recap, you may run screaming.
I think zombie penpals should be involved in some way.
Last time, Leila, Christian’s ex sub who spent most of the last book teasing us all that she was going to murder Christian and Ana only to let us all down, was waiting to see Ana. Ana discovers that whackjob Leila is on security’s list of people not allowed to see her and she is so pissed. Now, I think it’s a load of crap that there’s a list of people not allowed to see her (what do you bet Jose is on there?), but the fact that Leila happens to be on it – that’s not all that bad an idea, you moron. (AnaFail) Remember the gunsies, Ana? How your brain nearly went boom-boom in a bad way? Don’t you . . . yeah, nevermind. Wrong side of the goldfish bowl. (FacePalm, AnaFail)
Now Ana wasn’t even supposed to know Leila was there, but oopsies, Prescott, her female security guard, had to go potty and abandoned her post. You know women with their potty breaks. (AliceRage) Well, she apparently had no one to relieve . . . um, to take over for her, so Leila slipped through. Eh, oh! (FacePalm) Prescott thinks Ana shouldn’t see Leila but Ana is like, uh huh I can so see her, so Prescott, knowing she’s already screwed, gives in and leaves for a moment to search Leila. Ana takes this opportunity to email Christian (good move!) and tell him all about it. (AliceScreams)
You’re going to blow up my head, I just know it.
Once she’s done sealing her fate, she meets with Leila, who has brought a friend, Susi, who also looks just like Ana. A trio of mindless Ana automatons. (WTF) Susi announces that she and Leila call themselves “the sub club” and Ana thinks “Oh my God” and I smack myself in the face (Epic FacePalm). Thankfully, brilliant Susi leaves, and we’re just left with one Ana clone, and sadly, the real Ana. Christian calls, but Ana tells her assistant to take a message. (AnaFail) Then he calls Prescott, who makes Ana take the damn phone and listen to asshole herself. He shouts at her that he gave her instructions and bad puppy, she peed on the rug again! (Redflag) Ana hangs up on him. She’s going to be all kinds of dead! Hooray!
Leila thanks Ana for, you know, not pressing charges for vandalizing her car, breaking and entering her apartment, and attempting to murder her. (WTF) Trifles, really. Then she wants to see Christian to thank him for beating the crap out of her and turning her brain into pudding, I mean, for not putting her in prison. And for paying all her doctor bills. Oh, and for art school. The usual ex-sub insurance special. (WTF) Christian is so supportive, he even bought some of her paintings, which is not at all inappropriate.
Example of one of Leila’s paintings.
Leila goes on. And on. She loved her boyfriend. And her husband. Oh, and Christian, of course. Ana agrees that he is easy to love and they both giggle. (FacePalm, AnaFail, WTF) No, seriously. I’m thinking they’re about to go out and get manicures together while comparing buttplug techniques when Christian arrives. He’s enraged, but Ana still gets in a full description of his hotness. Remember ladies, it’s important that your murderer be hot. (AliceRage)
Prescott is immediately fired and no doubt leaves the building screaming “Freedom!” Then Christian yells at the cute little deranged former mental patient / aspiring art student. (RedFlag) Ana thinks he shouldn’t bully her. Duh-er, Ana, that’s what he does best. He also informs Ana that this has nothing to do with her. (RedFlag) Beyond, you know, Leila nearly killing her like a month ago, and coming specifically to see her, he’s exactly right. Nothing to do with her!
See, Leila’s no problem, Christian. Jeez.
Well, there’s more back and forth about absolutely nothing, and Christian threatens to take away all the guilt money supporting Leila (cause Christian is such a sweet sweet guy to take care of Leila after ripping her to shreds) and she finally leaves to go be nutso somewhere else. Then Christian tears into Ana for “defying” him, and Ana asks why he was so mean to Leila who only tried to murder her, gawd. (AnaFail, WTF) So Christian talks to Ana “as if to a child” (AliceRage) and explains that the subs were just a “diverting pastime” (AliceRage) and he doesn’t want Ana “tainted by his old life” because it’s so old, you know, like three months ago old. But Ana says “Whatever touches you, touches me” which just makes me think of those old Health classes about STDs. (AlicePukes)
This needs to be written in simple words that Ana can understand. Is there a Sesame Street version?
Ana then realizes her mission in life, besides being Christian’s doorstop, is to make Christian realize that he “cares.” (AnaFail) He cares because “he likes to whip little brown-haired girls that look like the crack whore.” Wait. Well, it was in the same paragraph, don’t ask me what it means. (WTF) Then suddenly, they are having sexy talk, and Christian says let’s go home but Ana says I have to work so Christian says let’s do it here and Ana says no that’s her final word absolutely not and Christian says let’s go home and Ana says okay. (AliceScreams)
And then we cut to Christian sticking his nose up Ana’s hoo ha while she’s trussed up like a pig again. God, I wish I was making that up. He tortures her a while, then orders her to come and kaboom she does, rinse, repeat. (AliceScreams) Then they share a couple of emails. (AliceScreams)
I’m pooping on all those emails right now.
And Ana picks up her phone and OMG it’s Jose’s dad saying that Ana’s dad has been in a terrible accident and to come quick! (WTF) Wait, did James just throw in a plot point as an afterthought? Who cares, end chapter.
Final Score: 100 – 50 – 80 = -30
Holy crap, I survived that one!
Fun, fun, fun.
Question # – which number are we on now?
Mad Libs!
Here is a paragraph from the next chapter with some of the words taken out. See if you can fill them in! Leave your answers in the comments below!
“Do you want a _____, a ____? What do you ___, Ana?” Christian ______ at me and I know he’s _____ – my lost ____ dealing with events beyond his _____. He’s been ______ and ______ all afternoon. This is a ______ he cannot manipulate and ______. This is _____ in the raw, and he’s kept himself from that for so long, he’s_____ and _____ now. My____, ____ 50 Shades.
50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Fifteen
I just checked out the table of contents and WOOOT there are ten more chapters. We are more than half-way through, you guyz! I’m sure we can get through this. I mean, how much worse can it get, right? Right?
But first let’s look at last week’s burning question, you know, that kind of burning you cure with pharmaceuticals in the “down there.” The question was “Next chapter, my favoritest character shows up at the last second! Who could it be?” And the possible answers were the totally plausible A) Bigfoot, B. Christian’s yacht, C. Leila, D. Oompa Loompas, E) Who the fuck cares?
As usual, most of you bombed. Bueller, Bueller, Bueller! Some of you made up your own answers to the multiple choice question, which must have been a great strategy while taking your SATs. In case you didn’t notice, no there wasn’t an F or a G, but nice try. The answer was not “Ambien”, “The White Rabbit”, “All of the Above”, “Prodigy shows up and performs “Smack My Bitch Up” and Christipoo goes all rage against the buttplug.”, or “Squirrel”. Points for creativity, though! No, the answer was Leila, who if you recall was one of my favorite characters in the last book. You don’t? Well go back and read. I’ll wait.
Okay, so congrats to Ruby Tuesday for giving us the right answer. Though those of you who chose “Who the Fuck Cares?” were technically right as well. But I’m just killing time here, and not getting to this fabulous recap.
Chapter 15 begins with Christipoo wrapped around Ana like a boa constrictor again, and oh wow this is so cool because she has never given us this description before EVER. (AliceScreams) Ana tells him he makes her feel “cherished” (AlicePukes). Yeah, cherish is the word I use to describe that love, all right. Yup. Christian notices Ana’s red hand (from slapping a guy – sadly not Christian) and gets all pissy about him touching his property again and Ana teases him by reminding him how his palm used to get all red from spanking the shit out of her. (RedFlag, AnaFail, WTF) He tells her he could “reacquaint her with that feeling” because, you know, nearly getting assaulted certainly deserves punishment, right? (RedFlag) I mean . . . just wtf am I reading?
Haha, remember that time? Ah, we do have fun.
Ana just poo poos that threat, and he kisses her palm, and just like Mommy, he makes the pain all go away! (WTF) I’m not even touching that one. And then suddenly Christian is telling Ana he wants her to fight him in bed and Ana’s little brain can’t figure this one out. Personally, I think she should have started fighting back a long time ago, but then again, it is tough to do when you’re tied up and blindfolded, and he’s armed with whips and whatnot. (RedFlag) So Ana wonders if he’ll hurt her, but her inner goddess (I.Q. Negative 145) says “never”. Yeah, not since like, um, was it yesterday or the day before?
So then, this is just gross. I’m going to go read Paddington Bear, you guys. Sigh. Okay. She swigs some water, and spits it into his mouth. (AlicePukes) And then they have this little rape fantasy thing where she tries to fight him but he’s too strong not that she wants to fight him but he told her to so I’m not seeing how he’s getting a thrill out of this since he knows she’d drink lighter fluid and torch herself if he told her it was a new “game.” (WTF)
Ana, I’ve got an idea for a new game!
After it’s finally freaking over, Christian tells Ana she “confounds” him (AliceScreams) and Ana thinks about poor abused little boy Christipoo (AliceScreams) and they have sex again off screen. And then a whole bunch of nothing happens. Really. Nothing.
Yeah, that.
They leave Aspen. Ana asks if he misses caning her. I’d sure like to, but he says no, cause he’s been cured by Anavagina. And then . . . but of course. Email. (AliceScreams)
Shit.
Ana’s assistant tries to distract her from her email with, you know, her freaking editing job, but Ana tells her to wait a minute, so we can get back to the emails. (AliceScreams)
Wait, not again!
Then she gets a message about some other work thingy, like an author meeting or something stupid, and she waves her off, and back to the emails, cause witty banter, you guyz! (AliceScreams)
New kitty, move down
Finally, Ana is interrupted again by something that actually interests her. Turns out Leila is there to see her! Good old Leila, who stalked and tried to kill her before going all cuckoo right in her apartment. Yeah, that Leila! Ana thinks, “Fuck. What does she want?”
I have one thing to say. Go, Leila, go!
Final Score: 100 –18 – 120 = -38
Don’t let us down again, Leila.
Get ready!
In Chapter 16, we will all get the joy of experiencing:
A) Ana trussed up like a pig . . . again
B) Christian being a total asshole and Ana showing spine for two seconds only to lose it to sexy power . . . again
D) A psycho ex-submissive with fluttery eyelashes yammering on way too long about absolutely nothing while we are all held prisoner for every single word.
E) All of the above please kill me now.
50 Shades Dumber Interviews Leila. Again.
Okay, so last time I was starting to crack just a bit, but now I am so pumped you guys. Leila has her gun pointed at Ana! Yes! We’re so close. Killherkillherkillherkillher!
I mean, um, such tension! Poor, poor Ana. What to do, what to do? Oh, hey, if it isn’t Leila herself!
Goooo, Leila!
I think you can, I think you can!
Alice: Leila I am so so so happy to see you!
Leila: Okey dokey.
Alice: I’m on the edge of my seat here, Leila. You have to tell us all what happened. Did her head explode like a cantaloupe? Was there a brain inside, or just a broken speak-and-spell like I’ve been suspecting?
Leila: Oh. Well. See, Ana walked in. And I pointed the gun at her. And she just stood there. So I watched her like you do those freaks at the circus.
Alice: And then you shot her.
Leila: Nooo, I spoke cryptic to her. She doesn’t like cryptic, nope. I said “alone” a bunch of times, really spooky, cause I’m Leila the friendly ghost, Alice.
Alice: Right. Okay so then you shot her.
Leila: She offered me tea. Isn’t that funny? A tea party with guns! And I started talking about Master – that’s Christian. I also call him my preciousssss.
How Leila sees Christian.
Alice: Okay. We’re about to get to the shooting. Any minute now. I just know it.
Leila: Master came into the room then!
Alice: Great! So you shot them both!
Leila: Noooo. He stared, and I stared, and Ana stared, and so did the chair. And Ana started to wig out. She suspects that Master and I are in true love.
Alice: She would worry about something like that even with a gun at her head.
Leila: But then he said the word, and I fell to my knees and dropped the gun.
Alice: What? No, wait, what word? What word could make you do that?
Leila: Arby’s. I really like Arby’s, don’t you?
Alice: . . . .
Leila: Master took the gun and walked to me and petted me. I like being petted. Sometimes he gives me kibbles when I’m good too. Hmmm. Kibbles.
Alice: I just – you had them, Leila. Why didn’t you shoot?
Leila: That does seem weird, doesn’t it? I don’t quite know. Ana was so upset. She didn’t want to leave because Master was petting me, and not her. Nanner Nanner Anner. Taylor had to carry her out of the room because she wouldn’t go. Ha, ha, ha. Lookie, here comes Ana now!
Ana: Hey, what is SHE doing here?
Leila: Howdy Doody, Ana.
Alice: I’ve been interviewing her about the ordeal, Ana. Or is this inner goddess? Or subconscious? Or the Wizard of Oz?
Ana: I’m Ana, of course! And she should be back in the mental ward! How did you escape, Leila?
Leila: There’s this revolving door at the hospital. Round and round it goes.
Psychiatric Hospital Revolving Door
Alice: Yeah, um, Ana, I hear you didn’t want to leave when Christian was comforting Leila here.
Ana: Of course not! She is a rival for my affections! I was afraid if I left he’d start making out with herrrr and not meeee!
Leila: And they put ME in the mental ward.
Alice: No kidding. Look, Ana, Leila had a psychotic break. I sincerely doubt even Christian would screw someone who’d just had a mental breakdown.
Ana: But, but she’s everything he wanted. She’s submissive and will let him tie her up and swing her from the walls and I – I just can’t do that for my man sobbbbbbb!
Leila: That’s true. Maybe we did do it. Yeah. With buttplugs. And ponies. Lots of rainbow ponies.
Ana: I KNEW IT! Noooooooo!
Leila: And then he fastened me to Snuffaluffagus, and whipped my hiney and the ponies all sang with delight!
Ana: Waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!
Alice: Just – stop that! Both of you.
Ana: I’m inwardly keening.
Alice: No you aren’t. Now, just – just – what did Christian say when you told him you were worried about him getting together with Leila?
Ana: Well first I decided to drown my sorrows in booze with Ethan. I was so SAD Alice.
Leila: Sad, sad, sad pony!
Poor Ana
Ana: Alice make her stopppp!
Alice: I’m going to hurt you both. What did Christian say, Ana?
Ana: He, he, he said it wasn’t about meeeee.
Alice: Holy shit, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but he’s actually right. It wasn’t about you, you nimrod. He was actually trying to help this poor girl he has clearly screwed up beyond repair.
Leila: Ponies, ponies, pooooonieeees!
Ana: Poor, poor Christian got so scared that I was going to leave him! So he fell to his knees before me! He wants to be my submissive!
Alice: Great. Hit him with a hammer. Then hit yourself. Please.
Ana: I must go tend to my man. Who is MY man, so leave him alone, Leila.
Leila: Okey dokey. Alice, do you want to stay with me?
Alice: In the mental ward?
Leila: We have lime Jello.
Alice: Really? Lime, huh? Sure, let’s go.
50 Shades Dumber Interviews The New and Improved Christian
I just finished chapter 10 of Ana’s memoirs and I can safely report that nothing happened. When I say nothing, I mean nothing, absolutely fucking NOTHING.
Now who am I going to ask about nothing this time?
Christian:
New and Improved!
Christian: I will allow you to interview me, Miss Alice
Alice: I already did. Under duress.
Christian: Oh, but that was the old Christian you interviewed.
Alice: Christ. Please say you don’t have voices in your head now.
Christian: That’s Christ-ian. And no, I am new and improved, saved by the power of Ana’s vagin – er love.
Alice: Uh huh.
Christian: One moment, I’m getting a call. Great news . . . a poodle . . . swallowed the entire thing . . . how is that possible . . . I see . . . yes, tonight.
Alice: You realize that’s an Elmo phone, right?
Christian: This is the latest and most stylish phone on the market.
Alice: It’s a kid toy. See, I push a button and it says “Elmo is hungry!”
Elmo says Christian is a TOOL!
Christian: Nevermind that. As I was saying, I am a changed man. Now I make love to Ana, and don’t even smack her around while I’m doing it.
Alice: You’re a real prince.
Christian: Actually, I am, on my mother’s side. Did you know Taylor’s first name is Jason? I didn’t either until this chapter.
Prince Christian
Alice: I honestly didn’t care.
Christian: Ana asked why I have no friends.
Alice: Because you’re a total jackass and people hate you?
Christian: You are making my hands twitch.
Alice: I have a real phone. It dials 9-1-1, see?
Christian: Very well. Ana and I went to dinner.
Alice: God this is fascinating.
Christian: She was so worried that I wouldn’t be able to relax without beating her up. And when I said I didn’t want to take her to my playroom she told me inner goddess stomped off pouting like an angry toddler.
Alice: I . . . what?
Leila: Oh, hi Alice. Hello, Christian.
Come on, Leila, you can do it!
Christian: Hello Le . . . hey, wait a minute, where’s my security team?
Leila: Eating donuts. Did you see my gun? It goes boom boom when I pull the trigger. Liiiike this . . .
Christian: Quick, Alice, get in front of me! I’m too important to die!
Alice: She’s holding a water gun.
Leila: Gotcha! Good job putting guards on the emergency stairwell, there. And changing the locks. Now I have to go make another key off this one I stole out of your jewelry box. Pooh. Buh-bye now.
Alice: Wait – you didn’t think to change the locks until now? Or guard the emergency stairwell?
Christian: That Leila is too damned sneaky!
Alice: Or your security team hates you.
Christian: Whew. Well, I told Ana she couldn’t go to work because it’s just too dangerous and then she got madfaced.
Alice: So it’s too dangerous for her to go to work, but not to go out to dinner, go car shopping, and go sailing.
Christian: I was there to protect her then. And my crack security team.
Alice: That’s reassuring.
Christian: I gave Ana a tour of the apartment.
Alice: She hasn’t seen the whole apartment by now? Oh, yeah, all you guys do is have sex, I forgot.
Christian: It’s making love now, Alice.
Alice: I may be ill.
Christian: We played pool in the library. And I stuck my cue in Ana’s inner pocket.
I bet they played with vaginal balls
Alice: Hey, who’s that over there with the gun? Is that Leila?
Christian: Aieeeeeeaaahhh!
Alice: And there he goes again. Go, Leila, go.
50 Shades Dumber Inteviews Christian’s Angels
If you’ve been keeping up with us, you know we’re on chapter 8 of Ana Bobana’s memoirs. Christian and Ana are being stalked (how does it feel now, guys? Sexy, isn’t it?) by Leila, Christian’s ex sub who is more of a fruit loop than Ana. Since Christian is so very intelligent, he has gotten together an awesome security team. I call them Christian’s Angels, even though they are technically Farah Faucette-less. This team consists of Taylor (because he has nothing else to do what with already acting as his personal butler, driver, and underwear buyer), Sawyer, and I swear I am not making this shit up, Ryan and Reynolds.
Really E.L.? I see what you did there.
Since I’m so excited about this Leila case, I thought I would step in and interview the guys while they were all on a donut break.
Christian’s Angels
Alice: Thanks for taking the time to talk with me.
Taylor: Thanks for the donuts.
Alice: Shouldn’t, um, one of you be keeping an eye out for Leila?
Taylor: Pfft, I tried, but Christian knows better. First he insisted on going in the apartment himself, even though the team was there. Then he said I was overreacting.
Alice: But I thought he hired you because this was such a scary, dangerous situation.
Taylor: He’s a dumbass. But far be it for me to question his orders.
Alice: It’s nice to see that he didn’t get too mad at you for the last interview.
Taylor: He just put me in the box this time.
Alice: The box?
Ryan: He doesn’t like to –
Reynolds: – talk about it.
Alice: You finished what Ryan said, Reynolds.
Ryan: Sometimes it’s like we’re the same person.
Alice: So what’s been happening with Leila?
Sawyer: Well, turns out she was still in the apartment, but we missed her, because Christian searched and didn’t find her. He forgot he had a library and some other rooms in the apartment. It’s such a big apartment, you know.
Alice: Right. Hey, weren’t you on Lost?
Sawyer: Yeah. This is part of the whole Purgatory thing.
Purgatory Bites.
Alice: Right. So . . .
Leila: Hi Alice. Hi Taylor.
Taylor: Hey, Leila, how’s it going? I noticed that nice paint job you gave Ana’s car.
Leila: Thanks. I also painted the Mona Lisa. And I’m a trained ninja. And I speak fluent Klingon.
Alice: Um, guys –
Taylor: Well, you know your way around.
Leila: Thanks! Buh-bye!
Alice: Guys. You just let Leila walk in the door.
Ryan: So? What’s –
Reynolds: -the problem?
Get it? Get it???
Alice: Aren’t you supposed to be trying to stop her?
Sawyer: Do you really want us to?
Alice: Well, no. But it is sort of your job.
Taylor: No worries. You see Leila was here yesterday, and she stood at the end of Ana’s bed and made spooky howly noises until she woke up. But Ana figured it was just her imagination, and went to go sex up Christian. Again.
Alice: So Leila was right there and she didn’t shoot Ana?
Taylor: I know, right? She said it’s more fun to screw with them. So, when Christian and Ana went back to the bedroom they saw that Leila had left the balcony door open.
Alice: She jumped off the balcony?
Sawyer: Ninja, remember? Christian only takes on talented girls as his subs. Or at least those who say they’re talented. You know, I think she might not be a ninja . . .
Alice: Nevermind. What happened then?
Taylor: Christian got all panicky and called us up and hissed into my phone. He made Ana wear his sweatpants because they were in a hurry, but then asked me to get Ana’s shoes. Idiot. I packed her a suitcase. Then Christian ordered me to find them a hotel. And to find Leila who was still in the house.
Alice: I thought she jumped off the balcony?
Sawyer: I guess not.
Alice: Then why did she open the door to the balcony?
Taylor: Hey, we don’t write this stuff.
Alice: So then what happened?
Taylor: I got them the room at the hotel, though I’m surprised they made it there. Ana kept nagging at him about Mrs. Robinson and their relationship and did he like her like she liked him. I was tempted to “accidentally” shoot her myself.
Alice: I don’t blame you. But there’s one thing I’m not getting. Why didn’t Christian just call the police?
Okay, that was just an excuse to show Sting
Ryan: Because Leila’s mentally ill and –
Reynolds: Christian can handle her better.
Alice: Stop that, you two. It’s annoying. But seriously? This just . . . anyway, so they got in the car and decided to run? This was the best choice of action?
Taylor: He thought so. Oh, phone call from Turdface. Hold on. Uh huh. Uh huh. Yeah sure.
Alice: What did he say?
Taylor: He was really freaked for a minute.
Alice: Why? Leila’s right here.
Taylor: Because the gynecologist he had sent to the hotel thought Ana might be pregnant. Turns out, false alarm.
Alice: Just – what? He called a gynecologist to their hotel room?
Taylor: Christian decided Ana should be on the shot since she’s too stupid to take a pill.
Alice: She wasn’t even on the pill for that long and they are always opening those damn foil packets anyway so that makes no sense and hey – they are running for their lives and he’s concerned about her birth control?
Taylor: Yeah, priorities. But he feels better because Ana isn’t knocked up and so he loves her.
Leila: Hi again. They’re not here, but I hid a bunch of rotten eggs stuffed in buttplugs all over the apartment. It will take them a while to find them.
Alice: They’re at a hotel, Leila. Which one again?
Taylor: Fairmont Olympic. If you get lost, just call your gynecologist.
Leila: Thanks! Bye!
Alice: Bye and for the love of God, good luck.
50 Shades Dumber Interviews Franco
I have to say I was sad to see Leila go. She is my favorite character so far. Actually she is the only character I’ve liked so far, so I suppose she’s still the favorite. I tried to track down Christian’s shrink for this interview, but he was busy getting ready to go to some ball with Christian, which seems a little odd, but whatevs. Instead I found Franco, his personal hairstylist, because let’s face it, we tell at least as much to our hairstylists as we do to our shrinks, right? Saying you have a shrink. If you’re reading this book, you should really consider it. Anyway, here we go.
Franco
This is how James sees gay people
Alice: Hi, Franco. Nice to meet you. Also, thanks for cutting my hair during this interview. My hair is a bit of a mess.
Franco: Your hair looks like Cookie Monster after a bad trip. I guess you want to know about Christian?
Alice: I want to know more about you too. For one thing, you don’t sound like a European gay caricature.
Franco: No one does. But Christian likes to keep up the appearance of being multicultural around here, so he hired me. That way he could fill the quota of gay and foreign at the same time. There is also one black employee. They play golf. Well, actually, he lets the employee carry his clubs and bring him water. But they do go to the golf course together.
Alice: Yeah. So do you think Christian is as big a dickweed as we do?
Franco: Oh, definitely. That’s why I always leave his hair like that. He thinks it is the new tousled look, when really it’s just me chopping random bits here and there and making it stick out so he looks like a tool.
Alice: Nice. I hear you also got to cut Ana’s hair. What do you think of her?
Franco: I believe the American phrase is “crazy skank ho”, right?
Alice: That works. So what’s the latest scoop on their story?
Franco: Well, see, there is this ex sub of his who has been stalking them both.
Alice: I know. I interviewed her.
Franco: Isn’t she a doll? I LOVE her.
Alice: Me too! So what is Leila up to these days?
Go, Leila, Go!
Franco: According to Christian, she is still tracking them. He is always talking on his phone to his security people. Leila has had at least twenty chances to shoot them down by now while he just stood out in the open. I have got to have a talk with that girl.
Alice: No kidding. So what else?
Franco: Well, he picked Ana up and threw her over his shoulder . . .
Alice: Out in public?
Franco: Yes.
Alice: And no one noticed this?
Franco. He also spanked her. Anyway, he was really upset because now Leila has a concealed weapons permit.
Alice: That’s great. Way to go, Leila.
Franco: Ana realized that she could buy a gun then.
Alice: She is a real woman of genius.
Franco: He ordered me to come to his place and cut Ana’s hair, because Ana didn’t want her hair cut by Mrs. Robinson the child rapist. Also, he wants to protect her, so he forced her to come to his place against her will. Ana is very upset about this Mrs. Robinson and her relationship with Christian.
Alice: There is a crazy ex sub that’s armed and stalking her and her boyfriend. And she’s concerned about Mrs. Robinson.
Franco: Well, one of her voices might have thought of Leila. Anyway, I cut her hair while she went on and on about how thin she was and how this was a problem to be white and pretty and thin and I thought hey, I have these sharp scissors here, but then I decided that she wasn’t worth prison and turned her over to Christian who will probably kill her for me.
Alice: Damn. So then what?
Franco: She says I said “Bellissima, Ana” and kissed her on both cheeks, but I did not. The girl is crazy. Later he told me that she got upset about the files he keeps on all his ex subs, including her. He has access to their bank accounts, social security numbers, blood types, etc.
Alice: So the typical normal boyfriend stuff.
Franco: She cooked for him. And got very excited that he had peas. Who gets excited to find peas in the freezer?
Alice: I really don’t know.
“Yes-peas!”
actual quote, guyz
Franco: Oh, and Ana looked up Multiple Personality Disorder, because she thinks that is Christian’s problem.
Alice: That’s pretty funny, since she’s the one with the multiple personalities, all of which are boring and stupid; and he’s just a run-of-the-mill psychopath.
Franco: Tell me about it! I have to bite my lip all the time, but at least he doesn’t think it is sexy on me. So then he had her draw on him with Taylor’s lipstick.
Alice: Taylor has lipstick? And she drew on him with it?
Franco: She used it to draw a map to tell where he could be touched.
Alice: I would have covered myself in the lipstick, in that case.
Franco: And then they started having sex. Again.
Alice: Talk about a cliffhanger. Hey, my hair looks really nice. Thanks.
Franco: I did what I could. Maybe you should invest in wigs. I have to get ready for my next client. Time to “fix” Christian’s hair again.
Alice: Good luck with that. Be sure and nick his ear for the rest of us.
50 Shades Dumber Interviews Leila
Today, reader, you are in for a treat. I managed to get an exclusive interview with the mysterious Leila. In case you’re just joining us, Leila is Christian’s ghostly looking ex sub that’s been causing a “situation” because she’s nuttier than a fruitcake and is out to get Christian and Ana, or just Ana or just Christian, we’re not sure. Either way, I think she is my hero and I wish her luck on her quest.
Leila
Alice: Leila, thank you for joining us today. First, why don’t you tell our readers a little more about yourself?
Leila: I am nobody.
Alice: Okay, then. How about you tell us about your relationship with Christian?
Leila: Whap. Bang. Boom. Ouch. Grunt. Smack. I love you. Good-Bye.
Alice: Yeah. Um, so I see you have a bandage on your wrist. What happened there?
Leila: I sliced open my wrist in front of Christian’s maid. Christian came home from Georgia to see me. Score.
Alice: That sounds . . . painful. I do hope he got you some help.
Leila: His maid took me to a hospital. I don’t like hospitals. White. After Labor Day. It’s so wrong. So wrong.
Alice: A hospital’s a good thing for you, I think. Wait, why aren’t you still in the hospital?
Leila: I checked myself out.
Alice: What? I mean, I don’t think patients put in a psych unit can do that sort of thing. I’m pretty sure your psychiatrist has to clear you.
Leila: Oh, he did. My shrink said I’m not truly at risk. Only a typical cry for help sort of thing.
Alice: What? You have a terrible shrink then.
Leila: Christian assigned him to me.
Alice: Explains a lot.
Leila: I think it was because I made a halfhazard cut on my wrist, you know? If it had been an exact cut on my wrist, that would have meant I was serious.
Leila’s prescription for mental illness
Alice: That . . . what?
Leila: Coo coo ca choo.
Alice: Next question. I heard you met Ana. What did you think of her?
Leila: What does she have that I don’t have?
Alice: Vaginal balls up her “down there” for one thing. Also a psychotic boyfriend.
Leila: Some girls have allll the luck.
Alice: Anyway, so what everyone is really wondering is – are you trying to kill Ana? Or Christian? Or both? And if so, is there any way we can help?
Leila: I’ve been following them. It’s pretty easy. They don’t know I’m there. I watched them through the window. They did strange things with vanilla ice cream.
Warning:
Do not insert into your “down there”
Alice: I don’t think I want to know.
Leila: Do you like Britney Spears? I like Britney Spears. I see dead people.
Alice: Right, back to the interview. When do you plan on murdering them exactly? And with what? A bomb? M16? Poison? I’m just throwing out ideas here.
Leila: He bought her a car. I didn’t get a car. She didn’t want it. He put 24,000 dollars in her account. I got 25 bucks and some Trident gum. Why doesn’t she want the car?
Alice: Yeah, I don’t get it either. I’d take him for everything I could. Speaking of, back to that murder . . .
Leila: He took her to the beauty shop all us subs went to – where we were waxed and plucked and dunked in seaweed. She just wanted a haircut. He owns the salon with the lady who taught him all he knows about buttplugs.
Alice: Wait . . . he took Ana to the same beauty shop he took all his ex-subs to and that he co-owns with Mrs. Robinson, his former abuser? What a brilliant idea.
Leila: I have to go now.
Alice: Sure. You need to get on with your stalking.
Leila: Yes. Also Bachelor Pad is on.
Alice: Good luck, Leila. We’ll all be rooting for you.
aliceatwonderland 