I had absolutely no idea what to write for a Christmas post so I figured I would let you look back fondly on that year I sued Santa cause why not? I’ve helpfully combined all the posts (a series of letters back and forth to the big guy and our attorneys) right here. You’re welcome, and Merry Whatever.
Alice’s Letter to Santa
From: Alice [Alice@wonderland.com]
To: Santa Claus [thebigSman@northpole.com]
Subject: My DemandsDear Santa,
Hey you know that stuff where I said I didn’t believe in you and your stupid tiny reindeer? Just kidding! I think you’re totally real and that you’re going to give me lots of material crap. That is what you do, right? I admit I’m a little confused on the whole concept. At four, my daughter asked to lead a prayer. Her prayer went as follows, “Dear God. Please ask Santa to bring me Barbie and the 12 Dancing Princesses. Amen.” I never realized you were middle management for God, Santa. I guess I could pray to your boss, but I think you’re a more direct line; and praying might be pushing it for me, as I hear your boss has lightning bolts.
My list is pretty simple this year. I just want peace and happiness and love and joyness for everyone. Also I want everybody to have a new purple flying Pegasus unicorn of their very own. Pfft, not really. I want a lot of stuff for me. You might get me the new purple flying Pegasus unicorn, since you failed to do that back when I was a child. This could be your chance to redeem yourself, fatty. I mean, Santa.
There are a few things I’d like for others, but mostly because it benefits me. First, I’d like that stupid kid to get her two front teeth, that other kid to get the darn hippo, and finally for that Santa baby twit to get all her crap so that they will all finally stop singing those songs. I hate them. A lot. Can you do that Santa? That would be swell.
Next I’d like for politicians to shut up. I think that would be ever so wonderful. They ought to be allowed to speak only on special occasions. With scripts. Prepared by normal human beings. I’m not sure how you’re going to accomplish this. Maybe you could import them all to the North Pole and give your poor elves a break. Yeah, I know all about your North Pole sweat shop you got going up there, Santa.
But what material possessions would I like for me? Glad you asked. I would like one of those living vacuum cleaners like the Teletubbies have. Get me a Noo-Noo. Also a new house. I know, you don’t have lots of houses at the shop. That’s okay. John McCain can’t even remember how many he has, so if you snatched one of his, he probably wouldn’t even know. Thanks.
If you just do these simple things for me, I will not only forgive you for past wrongs; I will not report you to the government for exploiting elves.
I’ll be waiting. Don’t mess up. I know where you live.Alice Santa’s Reply 12/13/12 Hey, guys, you won’t believe this, but I totally got a response from Santa. I think he might have been slightly perturbed by my letter. Check it out:
From: Santa Claus [ThebigSman@northpole.com}
To: Alice [firstname.lastname@example.org]
Subject: Your Letter
My goodness, you are a RUDE little thing, aren’t you? And here I saw a picture of this cute little girl in a pinafore and thought that I was going to get a decent letter this time. Imagine my surprise when instead I got YOU.
You, Alice, are so not getting your Noo-Noo, or one of John McCain’s spare houses, and I’m certainly not letting you have one of my prized purple Pegasus unicorns. Those only go to good little girls. Good little girls do not ask Santa to steal, and they certainly do not try to blackmail Santa. That is a no-no. Therefore, I hate to say this Alice, but you are officially on my Naughty List.
And the Naughty List is NOT a good thing, no matter what those terrible books you’ve been reading say. Yes, I know about those. I see you when you’re sleeping, I know when you’re awake, and I know when you’ve been reading E.L. James. Shame, Alice. For shame.
I thought you should also know, Alice, that Santa unfollowed your blog. And I defriended you on Facebook. I do believe you are the only child Santa has ever defriended. Very sad, Alice. Expect coal to arrive in your inbox any time now. Also a large pile of reindeer poop I just had my elves scoop off my front porch.
Speaking of elves, I will have you know that they are very well treated. They do not work in a sweat shop. It’s very cold here. And I pay them in happiness and joy and Christmas spirit. Do you know what Christmas spirit is, Alice? It is not calling Santa a “fatty”, Alice. For your information, Santa is just big boned.
If you would like to get off my Naughty List, I would suggest you start doing the following:
Pet a kitten every day.
Stop reading 50 Shades.
Try to be nice. Or at least pretend.
Stop blackmailing me and calling me fatty.
P.S. I haven’t been able to find Rudolf lately. That wouldn’t have anything to do with you, would it?
More Fun with Santa
That Santa is messing with the wrong girl. I decided to send him a friendly-type reminder via email.
From: Alice the Terminator [email@example.com]
To: Santa Jerk [ThebigSman@northpole.com]
Subject: What blinks red and poops glitter?
Forgot to mention one little thing. Ding ding. That’s the sound of a reindeer harness. I have the best new flashlight ever. Also, a great lawn ornament. The most realistic on my block. Just sayin’.
Ooh, look, and here’s a picture:
Looking forward to my Noo-Noo. Hint, hint.
P.S. It was way too easy to hack into your Facebook, Santa. “Ho, ho, ho” is a really lame password. Anyway, you are now friends with E.L. James. F.Y.I.
Santa Strikes Back
Wow, I am really enjoying these exchanges with old St. Nick. That’s what I love about WordPress. The community aspect. Hey, lookie, I got another email.
From: Santa is NOT a fatty [ThebigSman@northpole.com]
To: Naughty Alice [firstname.lastname@example.org]
Subject: Santa is getting a little angry now
There is no end to your depravity, is there? I sent a SWAT team of elves out to fetch my poor reindeer. Instead of Rudolf, what do I get? A pony with a bulb strapped to his nose. A depressed pony at that. Where is Rudolf?
If I don’t get my reindeer back soon, there will be no one to drive my sleigh. Then how will anybody get presents? You know, the deserving children that don’t steal and blackmail and kidnap innocent reindeer. Think about it.
P.S. Santa has nukes. F.Y.I.
Well, this was getting out of hand, so I figured I needed some representation, STAT! Fortunately Thing One offered some advice as well as the help of her firm.
(In other words, part of this post was Thing One’s idea.)
From: The Law Offices of Thing One, Thing Two, Sad Pony, & Squirrel
To: Mr. Santa Edward Claus
c/c: Reindeer Incident
Dear Mr. Claus:
We refer to the incident involving the alleged kidnapping of one Rudolf Reindeer on the night of December 12, 2012. Our client respectfully has no idea what you are talking about. Said reindeer simply followed her home one day and our fellow attorney Sad Pony was there taking notes for the upcoming court case. Our client consents to returning said reindeer, but requires back payment of Christmas Presents for the last thirty or so years in return.
It has also come to our attention that you have a nuclear factory located within 50 miles of your workshop. This is against North Pole code, and has possibly resulted in the glowing red nose of said reindeer as well as the various mutations found in some of your elves. It would be in your best interest to cease and desist operating your factory, before more legal action is taken against you.
Thing One, Thing Two, Sad Pony, & Squirrel, LLC
A Letter to Santa From his Attorney
Today I am proud to announce my very first guest blogger, Ravin from Ravin’s Rantings. Ravin has been my friend since I was just a 12 year old slightly deranged person. We are a tad older now, but she is still here – and now on my blog! Her firm is representing Santa, but it doesn’t look good for him, you guyz. Check it out:
Dear Mr. Claus,
I was alarmed and saddened to hear of the recent situation you face with Alice. We here at Elf Law are of course at your service. I must, however, advise you to settle out with Alice, for several reasons.
First, a lawsuit would not go well. The bad publicity would threaten your endorsement contracts with Coca-Cola and retailers.
Secondly, while I am aware that you have declared the North Pole a sovereign nation and yourself Absolute Dictator for Immortal Life, Russia and Norway would likely dispute your claim. Further, the North Pole Code took over five hundred years to develop in its modern form through careful negotiation between you and the native population of Elves. You already have a dubious track record with indigenous people:
If word of the nuclear power plant violation of the North Pole Code got out, The Elves Local #1 would strike, and force you to source new workers and move your workshop off-planet. Child labor trafficking isn’t as cheap as it was in the 50′s, Santa. You really don’t want to go there. You already have a criminal record, need I remind you?
I think it is also pertinent to remind you what happened the last time you allowed a feud with a mortal to escalate.
In conclusion, the next time you have a dispute with a mortal, I suggest you call our office immediately, before taking actions that may be grounds for an emotional distress tort claim. Unfriending her and unfollowing her were reasonable decisions. Taunting and provoking a clearly unstable person by mentioning that you had done so may have gone beyond the bounds.
Had you simply cross-referenced her against our records, you would have found that you were under no obligation to respond to her letter or deliver anything to her, as your contract requires only delivery to minor children and she is an adult, pinafore notwithstanding. Additionally, Wonderland is outside our delivery area because of the undue hazard of entering the jurisdiction of the Red Queen and the relative lack of mortal children there.
However, given the mess you have made of the situation, taking her offer of an exchange in an alternative delivery location would be the prudent action at this time.
Elf Law, L.L.C.
Well, after that exchange, you’d think I’d have gotten everything I wanted. This is not the case. Still waiting. Good luck to you, and Happy Holidays to yours and Fox News.
Last year I started a letter writing campaign to Santa. It devolved faster than your average comment section on MSN, resulting in blackmail, un-friending, multiple lawsuits, North Pole code violations, threats of nuclear devastation and kidnapped reindeer. It all turned out well because I got all those My Little Ponies I was never given as a child. Thanks, Santa! Considering I’m probably still on the naughty list, I figured I’d hit up a newer, better holiday joy bringer. Holiday Paul!
Who is Holiday Paul? Oh, man, I can’t believe you asked that. Merbear has a post about him on her blog. He’s like the elf on the shelf, but not creepy, because he’s a Beatle, you see. As in the band “The Beatles”, not the insect; don’t be ridiculous. You might be wondering why I would write holiday wishes to a former member of a band. Well now I’m telling you why! Christmas time is here again so Holiday Paul is coming to town. Listen up.
Holiday Paul was part of the Beatles and the Beatles were uber-famous and the first long haired freaky guys in the states! Their hair was like over their collars!
Holiday Paul is totally a knight, which is pretty cool.
Holiday Paul flies his Yellow Submarine on a magical mystery tour every year to deliver gifts of joy and joyness to children around the world! It’s a hard day’s night but someone has to do it.
Holiday Paul gets by with a little help from his friends – the elves who sang the background to Lennon’s “So This is Christmas” help him make the gifts. Oh, you thought that was a children’s choir? Silly people.
Holiday Paul has much better holiday songs than Santa, like “Let it Be” and “All You Need is Love” (he was just kiddin’ with that one) and “Help!” (possibly recorded when he was mobbed last year at Macy’s.)
Holiday Paul is freaking loaded.
I think those are great reasons (especially the last one) to write to Holiday Paul this Christmas. So without further ado, here is my letter:
Dear Holiday Paul
Alice here. I know you say you can’t buy me love, but I was thinking you could try anyway. My list is really simple this year. I want you to stop all the wars and the crime and the poverty and the Tea Partiers. This would truly bring us Peace on Earth. I know, it’s so unselfish of me, which is why I figure I can get away with asking for the next few items.
I want a million dollars. I don’t really care if they’re marked or not, as long as they are spendable. I’d also like a few more houses and here’s why. I need one that my nine-year-old can live in with the lions, tigers and bears you give her as pets for Christmas. Oh, and I’ll need a nanny to go with that. I’d also like another house for my husband. It could really just be an enormous shop with a bathroom in it. He’d be happy as a lark. My thirteen-year-old needs a house so that all that stuff she crams into her locker and backpack can spread out. And that would leave me with my house, where I can rest comfortably. Oh, yeah, we’ll need a maid for that also. I don’t care what size he comes in – medium is fine. I’d also like an Ear-Vac, just because.
I guess that’s all for now, Holiday Paul. Thanks ever so much.
P.S. Your version of “Twist and Shout” was totally the best.
Hey, have you guys got any wishes for Holiday Paul? If so, feel free to write your own letters in a post linking back to Merbear, who first let me know the beauty of Holiday Paul! I think it would make Holiday Paul and Merbear very happy. Otherwise, just write down your wishes in the comments, and we’ll see if we can get to them. Hint: Letters are way better.