Wow, for someone who purposely tries to avoid news as much as possible, I sure get a lot of it. Especially political news, which is always intelligent and thoughtful and I can’t even finish this. It’s not that the reporting itself is bad – unless you are talking about Fox, of course. It’s that the stuff they report is so incredibly stupid. I think I can safely call this the most idiotic election in the history of America, and keep in mind I am including the 2008 election featuring Sarah “Cocker Spaniel” Palin and the 2000 election featuring all the pregnant chads.
For one thing, up until now we’ve had candidates in the Republican party that at least seemed to have brain power. I may not have agreed with McCain, but he wasn’t a whackjob – at least not until they stuck him with Palin as a running mate and his strategy reverted to “Screw it.” But now? The most reasonable one (when he actually talks about issues) seems to me seems to be – and it pains me to say this – Jeb Bush. President Jeb. Yet he’s sinking in the polls faster than his money can save him. And Trump is winning with the power of hate mixed with total holy batcrap insanity.
As far as the Democrats go – you’ve only got two choices, in spite of what poor O’Malley would like you to think. (Can someone just promise him a cabinet seat already so he can go home?) Bernie or Hillary. Democrats seem under the impression that people will vote for Hillary because she has lots of money behind her, and she’s married to Bill who, in spite of his inability to keep his pants zipped, didn’t do so bad as president. The only problem with this is that almost everyone else hates her, or her husband, or both of them, or possibly the entire family including Socks the cat. (Is Socks still alive? I’m guessing no. And, yeah, I’m more interested in the cat now.)
So that just leaves Bernie Sanders (not related to the colonel) because unlike most other Democrats, he doesn’t try to get along with Republicans. He just says what he wants, which you might as well when the opposing party communicates like a two-year-old “No, no, no!”. Will corporations like Bernie? “No,” he says, “and Wal Street will like me even less!” When they ask him about terrorism, or immigration, or terrorist immigration, he often goes back to the these stupid, totally unrelated issues like Americans having a place to eat, sleep, and work. This is what most people would call campaign suicide. Except that you have to remember who the guy is running against.
I have to remember who he’s running against, because sometimes I forget with so many candidates that keep clinging to the podium for dear life. Here are a few tidbits from Facebook that reminded me:
Donald Trump: Republican Presidential Candidate Leads GOP Primary With 13-Point Lead, Poll Says
This is the guy who gets his pointers (like gold stars for all the Muslims!) from Hilter and Ann Coulter (otherwise known as Mrs. Satan). Who gets unnerved when a woman goes potty. Who wants to deport anyone who doesn’t have a dead gerbil for hair or somewhat white skin. Who resembles an Oompa Loompa. Who – if elected – will probably put a giant T on the White House right before half the world bombs us in self-defense.
In case you were wondering if I was exaggerating how awful he and his foreign policy ideas are, here’s another one that just popped up today:
Donald Trump: British Lawmakers Debate Banning Republican Presidential Candidate From UK
-yeah that would be our biggest ally not even wanting him in their country. He wants to ban all Muslims. They just want to ban HIM. No, they haven’t actually barred him (yet?), but the fact that they talked about it says something about us. I think they still remember when we sent Romney over there last election and they aren’t taking chances.
Ted Cruz: GOP Candidate Defends His Presidential Eligibility to Donald Trump During Debate
Unlike Obama, who was born in the US despite many reports made up by Fox to the contrary, Cruz was born in Canada. (Thanks, Canadians!) His mom is American, though, so he was sort of naturalized, depending on how you look at it. The Washington Post actually agrees with Trump, saying that Ted can’t legally run, while some Americans just think he shouldn’t run because he has idiotic ideas and looks like Droopy Dog (this would be me). Other Americans think it is a nonissue because Canada is part of the United States. Ah, Teddy, you might ask Obama for advice on this one. Last I heard he had plastered his birth certificate on every door and window of the White House. Good luck.
Carly Fiorina: Candidate Discusses Hillary Clinton’s Marriage and Email Server Probe in Early Debate
Cause there is nothing like a good political “cat-fight” is there? No, Alice, this is just a political candidate who happens to be a woman saying that “Unlike some women in this campaign, I actually love spending time with my husband.” Ooooh, snap, Hillary! Is this going to be like the “Mommy War Cake Debate” we had with Hillary Clinton and one of the Bush wives (was it Laura? Barbara? I forget). I think Mrs. Bush had a special recipe from great-great- grandma prepared by servants, while Hillary chose the French manufacturer Nestle Tollhouse. In the end, they both just gorged on cake and watched Lifetime together. I might have gotten my facts mixed up, but it sounds good to me. And seriously, Carly, wait a few years. You won’t want to spend time with your husband either.
Rick Santorum: Republican Candidate Tells Viewers to Google His Name During Early GOP Debate
No, really, he did! He asked people to compare his record to Hillary Clinton’s, because everyone knows Google is where you find all your accurate answers! You know, except junior high English teachers who recommend so-called “scholarly” sources. But here’s the fun thing – since Ricky compared gay people to something not so nice, when you Google his name, you come up with something – not so nice. The definition for the word “Santorum” is now something not to be uttered in polite company, as CNN reports. That’s right – the definition is “Trump Dump”. It’s not pretty. Santorum has been trying to change this since 2003, but the Internet has hated him for that long. Nice play there, Ricky!
Republican candidates discuss Marco Rubio’s boots, recommend pant suit to complete look.
Okay so I made up that headline. I didn’t make up the fact that yes, most of the Republican candidates have been bullying Marco* about his girly boots. Anderson Cooper reports on it here on a segment called “The Ridiculist” – clearly Anderson does not understand real news. This was on the 8th, so a little while ago, but directly relates (I don’t know how many times I can say “seriously it does”) to the next real headline.
Jeb Bush: GOP Presidential Candidate’s Campaign Releases Ad Calling Donald Trump a ‘Jerk’
Yup. He did. In fact, it starts out the video!
First you see someone Googling – here we go again – Donald Trump is a jerk. Haha! Then he calls him a jerk. Then you have Trump acting like he’s having a seizure. Then there’s Jeb hugging disabled people because Trump was apparently insulting the disabled. Look, he insults EVERYBODY, including himself. Stay tuned for the next ad when he calls Rubio a “Poopyhead”. Oh wait, he already released an ad earlier with Rubio dancing in cowboy boots to Nancy Sinatra’s “These Boots are Made for Walking”. No – I’m serious. Again.
As Thing One says, it’s clear this campaign is purely for entertainment until the real election pops up. I agree.