On Depression and Gratitude
I’ve been doing this 21 days of Gratitude thing as a hoot, but I just considered that I got this as a part of therapy. In other words, if you are depressed, being grateful for what you have is supposed to make you feel better. But does it? If you’ve never had clinical mental illness, you probably think it should make everything better. You probably apply logic to situations. But that’s just the thing. Depressed people can SEE logic, they just can’t act on it very well. Here’s one example. A dirty house makes you feel bad, yes? Cleaning it would make you feel better. Therefore (x + cow = red) you should get up and clean your house.
Get up, Mr. Sad Face! Just whistle while you work!
As you can see, Mr. Sad Face wasn’t too impressed with Snow White’s chipper attitude toward cleanliness, though blowing her up with a magic wand did bring a smile to his face. That’s always nice. More on that in a bit.
Gratitude journals are supposed to work the same way. But here’s the thing. There are different stages of Depression. It’s never “cured” but you can have times of mostly remission, as long as you take your meds and / or go to therapy or whatever it is you do to cope. But if you are in the really down stage, someone telling you to be grateful is only going to make it worse. For example:
Man I’m bummed I don’t have Barbie’s life with money and house and stuffs.
What’s this? A rainbow of good things in my life? Who knew?
Yay I have no home or car or foods but there are bunnies and flowers and sun! I am happy!
It goes a little differently with the depressed brain.
I don’t live like Barbie. Life bites.
What the heck is this? There better be some skittles coming next.
My life bites cause it’s not like Barbie’s. Also cause I don’t appreciate flowers and stuffs. Or gratitude journals. I suck.
So you see the difference? It’s not that the depressed person is trying to be obstinate, that’s just how our brains work. We already KNOW we have good things in our lives, and sometimes that us feel even more down. Just because you have depression doesn’t mean you don’t have gratitude. It means you have a chemical imbalance, and possibly some other sucky events have happened in your life. Your brain sees through a different lens when suffering depression. Like the drug commercial we know so well – this is your brain on depression. This is your brain without it. There’s a difference – it’s even visible on brain scans, so it’s not made up stuff to let depressed people lie on their duffs and take no responsibility. No matter how much it seems that way – even to the one who is depressed.
Now gratitude is a good thing, and when you’re out of your darkest days, it’s fine. But please don’t push people to be grateful when that is just one of the many things they wish they can do but can’t. It causes guilt, not happiness. Coming out of depression takes time, and hard work, and the right kind of therapy and meds. It’s not a quick fix. But there is one thing that is – even if the fix only lasts a few minutes. Humor. Humor helps. I’ve been in the hospital, and I’ve seen it work with other “mentals”. It is possible to laugh in the midst of suffering. And that’s part of why I blog. I love humor, and I hope my somewhat bizarre form of it helps people, whether they are sick or not. Remember that rainbows don’t appear during the worst of the thunderstorm. They come after. But during you can always use an umbrella. Until that blows away and you just hide under a taller person. Or – I lost track of my metaphors. Anyway, this is Alice signing out, hoping your brain has a good day.
Alice
P.S. I hope you found humor in how Snow White has kind of a Joker grin (not really intended). Why so serious?
Spare the rod, spoil the Alice
I beat her when she sneezes, but she KEEPS DOING IT.
I have a very healthy guilt complex, and in turn a great punishment system. Whap, Alice, do not do that anymore. Bad, Alice, BAAAAD.
On the other hand, I also have that little bit of rebel in me that says “Hey MAN, you aren’t my DAD” and then does the stuff anyway.
You might realize this is a bit of a vicious cycle. When I wrote my last post, I really meant it as tongue in cheek. Yes, it’s an issue, but I haven’t spent us out of house and home, so it’s not that big of a . . .
Whap! Rationalization, Alice! Stop it!
Okay, okay! So I have an issue I must get to the bottom of presently. My recent need to overspend on stuff, vs my former need to never spend. I need to get to the bottom of this cesspool of dolly evilness. Why am I compelled to spend, then feel anxious about it? I mean I’m anxious if I don’t, and anxious if I do, so either way I’m around a mad person.
I’ll have you know, it was necessary to buy this ornament. ABSOLUTELY necessary.
There is a need here. I mean we all have needs to fill, and we all fill them with some sort of stuff, whether it’s doing yoga in a hot room till you pass out, or eating lots of CAKE, or playing Xbox games, or doing responsible stuff like eating vegetables and working and . . . shudder. So once you find the need, you no longer have to buy the stuff.
Except you don’t have to torture yourself over it either. It’s totally okay sometimes to spend. And I have stickers, peeps, stickers that show I didn’t spend every single day. Except on the stickers, cause you know . . . quit chastising meeeee!
I did realize after getting irritated at some of the responses to my “Buy it All” post that I was actually asking for forgiveness and reassurance, and annoyed when I didn’t get it. Or just annoyed that people didn’t just think it was funny. I’m sure it has something to do with past experiences and what we bring to the table. But come on, the spending song was fun!
Well, I thought it was.
Peeps not be ‘preciatin’ my gifts.
But it’s not actually your responsibility to make me feel better about myself. That’s my counselor’s responsibility. Hahahaha . . . okay, fine, it’s mine, but she does a pretty good job too. She rarely hits me with a rod, because she knows I do that too much myself. Also I probably would stop paying her.
So does this mean I am a spoiled child? Spare the rod, you know, spoil the child. What an odd saying. Like beat that kid, because if you don’t, he’ll be all like rotten fruit, all mushy, which is what the kid will be if you keep beating him with that rod. Talk about a conundrum there.
What to do, what to do? I’ll stop hitting myself with the rod for a while and wait for all of you to figure it out. I have to go shop some more at the Disney store.
THEY MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE THEY SAID IT THEMSELVES!
These guys would never lie to me.
The Frozen Effect
So what’s so special about this movie (besides the fact that it the highest grossing animated film of all time beating out Toy Story 3, and he 5th highest film period- and it’s still playing in some theaters)?
Take that, Woody.
It’s because this movie, with very small exception (those blasted trolls) is perfect. As Beauty and the Beast did for me back in the 90s, so Frozen has done for a new generation of children – it’s blasted us out of the park. The stunning animation, the incredible songs (“Let it Go” took Best Song in the Oscars), the characters, and the story – it was amazing. It’s a bit slow in the beginning, but once you hit that big musical Oscar winning number, you’re taken in. Okay, well, I was, as were my daughters, and obviously a whole lot of other people.
And that’s the answer – this was a movie that struck not just children, but adults as well. Whereas little children saw pretty princesses, older kids and adults saw their lives. You can’t help but identify with the sisters Elsa and Anna – both individually and in their relationship to each other.
And they’re just so gosh darn cute.
A brief synopsis – though this post is anything but brief – bear with me. Elsa has those magical ice powers, but she hurts her sister while playing with her powers, so the parents get a troll to heal her and then completely disregard everything he warns them about. They decide the best way to help the girl is to lock her up in her room and try to get her to suck up her feelings (tied to her enormous creative power) so she doesn’t freeze the place. Oh, and little sister Anna has her memory wiped, so has no idea why her sister has shut her completely out.
Now take away the fantasy part of it, and see if that doesn’t sound familiar in any way. I see Frozen in many ways as a metaphor for mental illness. Elsa’s parents tell her to suck up her feelings. They keep her isolated from others, for fear of her endangering them, and, I suspect, fear of embarrassment. And little sister is left outside the door, repeatedly knocking, begging, pleading for Elsa to let her in. “Do You Want to Build a Snowman” is a song that can get very irritating, but it’s important. Especially the last line, where you see both sisters, isolated from one another, slink down in despair on either side of the door.
“Do you want to build a snowman? It doesn’t have to be a snowman.”
Anna – for goodness sakes, NO I DON’T.
After the deaths of the rather controlling parents, Elsa is forced to come out to lead her people. Anna is thrilled to have her back, but she annoys the heck out of Elsa until finally she can no longer keep her feelings inside. She unleashes them on the entire kingdom, starting an eternal winter. Cursed as a witch, she is chased away from the castle, but once she’s away, she realizes suddenly that now she is free. Free to be who she is. And her song “Let it Go” resonates with me like no other song does, no matter how many times it is played.
So I’ll give you the song, along with my commentary.
“Let it Go”
The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation,
And it looks like I’m the queen.
People with mental illness are isolated. From friends, from coworkers, from family, even from others with their illness.
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried!
What happens on the outside (her enormous outburst) reflects what she has been keeping inside – a swirling storm of emotion. You can try to keep it in, but it won’t stay in forever. It didn’t for me. And heaven knows I tried.
Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
My parents never DID get me that Xbox.
Oh wow, this is a big one for me. Be the good girl, Alice, always be the good girl. Growing up with a brother who had enormous outbursts due to his manic depression, I felt I had to be the good one for my parents to make up for it. I tried to do whatever I was told, and when I deviated, well, I heard about it. In school I figured out early that to cry, or show emotion, could invite ridicule. My smile was made fun of – so I tried not to smile around these people. I didn’t even look up. For a long time.
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know!
They tell you never to mention mental illness – especially if you ever want a job or to be taken seriously. But, eventually, people will find out. Even if you think you’re hiding it so well, you aren’t. People with any kind of sensitivity will see through the mask. I know my kids did. And when I finally admitted to it, and told others what was going on – there was a definite lift I felt. No one thus far has ridiculed me. If anything, they’ve in some way understood. So if you have a total meltdown at a dinner party, don’t worry too much.
Try not to freeze the entire country, though.
Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door!
I don’t care
What they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway!
A typical first reaction to spilling the beans about your illness – okay, this is me. Deal with it. I don’t care what you say. I’m running away, don’t follow.
It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all!
Distance does change the scope of the problem. Staying at a mental hospital showed me I was far from the only one that was sick, and I was by far not the sickest. One of my biggest fears was going to a place like that. Well I did it, twice, so what can’t I do? What fear can’t I conquer?
It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me I’m free!
It’d really suck if she slipped right here . . .
Often, when you shut up your feelings, you shut up your creativity, your potential. What could you do if you weren’t hiding in your bedroom? You’re an adult now. There aren’t any real rules (except the obvious ones like paying your taxes and going to work so you get paid). Other than that, if you want to buy dolls or ponies, buy them. If you want to make a go at Broadway, try it. No more rules.
Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry!
Here I stand
And here I’ll stay
Let the storm rage on!
The song is picking up now – it’s gone from sad, to more hopeful, to angrily determined. Just TRY and stop me now.
My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back,
The past is in the past!
Here is the point in the song where the animation just leaves you breathless. Elsa raises her arms and builds a castle. That’s right. She builds an entire freaking castle out of ice. All that, ALL THAT CREATIVITY, locked away inside for so long. How sad is that? But how many of us do that? And for how long?
Think how much her parents could have saved on architects by now.
Let it go, let it go
And I’ll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone!
You don’t have to be perfect anymore, Alice. No one is. You’re okay just as you are. Your Things, after all, told you so all along.
Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway!
So she’s out in the open now (well sort of, she’s still not back home), but at least she’s able to be herself in this place she’s built with creativity denied to her for most of her life. Later, when Anna comes to ask for help with the whole eternal winter thing, the song of both sisters is reprised in a beautiful duet. Anna insisting she can help her, Elsa insisting she has no idea what she’s talking about, and ending with Elsa once more lashing out, freezing her sister’s heart. Only true love can rescue Anna now.
And it does. But not from a prince. Anna sacrifices herself for Elsa, and Elsa heals her with her love. Sisterly love. So yes, this is an awesome movie. I’ve told you a lot, but not nearly all of it. If you haven’t seen it yet, please do, especially if you have a sister or are the mother of sisters. You won’t regret it.
Aw. If they watch it, maybe your daughters will quit fighting for at least five seconds.
Brave
“Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
SHOW ME HOW BIG YOUR BRAVE IS!!”
– Sara Bareilles
What is brave? Is it the firefighter who rescues the child from the burning building? Is it the soldier who fights in a foreign country? Is it the policeman who takes a risk every time she responds to a call?
Yes.
But it’s so much more too. Brave is anybody who has overcome adversity, who hasn’t let it turn them to the dark side, who takes one step forward every day despite chronic pain, sick children and relatives, mental anguish, abuse, or even just the stress of everyday life.
Brave is me.
I didn’t used to think this, and sometimes I still scoff at it. I’d never climb a burning building, or volunteer to fight a war, or try to bust a drug ring. When scared, I tend to run in terror, scream and shout. But then, so would many people. But all of us, deep down, have bravery. It’s just not the exciting kind found in the movies. I think Sara Bareilles says it so well in her song “Brave”.
“Everybody’s been there,
Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy
Fallen for the fear
And done some disappearing,
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, just stop holding your tongue”
Brave is the kid who goes to public school, who struggles with subjects that are hard, with teachers that are sometimes cold and harder, with fellow students who unleash cruelty at anyone who is different. Who do these things even home life gets tough as well.
Brave is the husband who goes to work everyday even when he hates his job. Who does his work even when his boss does nothing, and does his best. Who fixes his wife’s car, goes to get her prescriptions, and takes care of their children, his job, and everything else when she has to be gone. Who supports her when she cannot support herself.
Brave is the mom who recognizes when she can’t do it by herself anymore. Who risks the stigma of mental illness by admitting it. Who leaves the husband and children and goes into a scary hospital to get medicine and counseling, though it breaks her heart and her wallet to do so. Brave is the mom who writes about it on a public blog.
I am that mom.
“And since your history of silence
Won’t do you any good,
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?”
When I got home from the hospital, Thing Two and I talked.
Me: I only went away so I could be a better Mom.
Thing Two: You already were.
Maybe so, because my kids sure are amazing. But now I hope to be even better. I have another chance. I’m giving it all I have.
And if I can, so can you.
“Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave”
Overwhelmation: A Post on Physical Illness and Mental Health
Slightly more serious than my usual fare, but still an important issue I think – check it out on Canvas. (And yes, Sad Pony makes another appearance, too!)
Move over, Movember
You might have noticed, if you pay a weird amount of attention to the badges on my blog, and hey, who wouldn’t, that there is a new badge there. It looks like this:
I have the coolest bling ev-ah
If you guessed that this badge was designed by a Canadian clown with too much time on his hands, you guessed right! And I think it is pretty cool, cause even though there is not a unicorn on this badge, and it’s not gold, it does have a mustache. And mustaches are pretty cool, especially if they are on Tom Selleck. Observe:
I totally would have taken out Monica for him.
So what is Movember? I’m not exactly sure. It’s in November and it’s supposed to raise awareness for Prostate Cancer and mental illness in men. I’m not a men, but I figure I have lots of Cancer and crazy in my family history, so I might as well support this.
I know you don’t have a real picture of me, but I really am a gal, not some creepy dude with a strange fondness for little girls in pinafores (Hello, Mr. Carroll). Some of my readers know me in the flesh (that’s personally, get your mind out of the gutter) so they could vouch for me. Other than that, I guess you have to take my word for it. But even though I don’t have a prostate that I know of, I still think Cancer sucks. And if you have Cancer, you’re probably going to have depression too. This Movember business fights both.
How? Again, no idea. But mustaches are involved. I think you grow one if you’re a guy (or a female with lots of testosterone) or something. You’d have to go to Le Clown’s blog and get further confused over there. Anyway, if it’s a good cause I will support it, nevermind that I might win prizes while drawing more attention to my blog. This never crossed my mind.
Anyway, stay tuned for further developments on Movember, like say, what it is and so on. You’ll be glad you did.
Alice
aliceatwonderland 