Tag Archives: Merry Freakin’ Christmas

50 Shades of Christmas

Yeah, I know, I’m on a break.  But I just couldn’t let Christmas go by without destroying it with more 50 Shades crap.  You know that awful 12 days of Christmas song with the partridge and the slave giveaways?  Thing One pointed out that he’s giving this girl maids and drummers and whatnot.  Good point.  Anyway,  I was listening to it – involuntarily – and pondered in my heart what Christian might give to Ana for the 12 days of Christmas.  And here it is.  You’re welcome.

What the hell am I going to do with 11 bagpipers?

What the hell am I going to do with 11 bagpipers?

On the first day of Christmas, Christian gave to Ana . . . a buttplug for her tushy.

On the second day of Christmas, Christian gave to Ana . . . two nipple clamps

On the third day of Christmas, Christian gave to Ana . . . three leather floggers

On the fourth day of Christmas, Christian gave to Ana . . . four sets of handcuffs

On the fifth day of Christmas, Christian gave to Ana . . . FIVE HARD SPANKINGS!

Everybody sing!  Whap, whap, whap!

Everybody sing! Whap, whap, whap!

On the sixth day of Christmas, Christian gave to Ana . . .  six force fed meals

On the seventh day of Christmas, Christian gave to Ana . . . seven cable ties

On the eighth day of Christmas, Christian gave to Ana . . . eight yards of duct tape

On the ninth day of Christmas, Christian gave to Ana . . . nine gallons of booze

This is just for the weekend.

This is just for the weekend.

On the tenth day of Christmas, Christian gave to Ana . . . ten idle threats

On the eleventh day of Christmas, Christian gave to Ana . . . 11 hours of boinking

On the twelfth day of Christmas, Christian gave to Ana . . . 12 dumb emails, 11 hours of boinking, ten idle threats, nine gallons of booze, eight yards of duct tape, seven cable ties, six whips and chains . . .

FIVE  HARD SPANKINGSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I looked up spankings on google images for you guyz.  That's love.

I looked up spankings on google images for you guyz. That’s love.

four sets of handcuffs, three leather floggers, two nipples clamps and (sing it with me) a buttplug for her tushy!

Aw, that Christi-poo!  Always thinking of Ana and how to better control love her.  I bet all of you have a Christian on your Xmas list, amIright?  I know I do.  So I can beat the shit out of him.

You might be wondering when I’m getting back to Fifty Shades Flunked, er, Freed recaps.  In a year.  Which is actually pretty close (sadly).  Class will start up again next Monday.  Wheeee!  I’ve read ahead a little and wow, just wow, you won’t even . . . I just, it’s gonna be something.  Yeah.  Something.

We'll be just like that stick man falling into the black hole there.

We’ll be just like that stick man falling into the black hole there.

Tomorrow I have a Christmas special.  Cause I can’t go without a Christmas special when there was a Halloween and a Thanksgiving one, I mean, it’s expected.  Not really, but what the hell.  See you then, unless you’re stuck with your family or something horrible lovely like that.  If so, Merry Freakin’ Christmas (or Chaka Khan or whatever, it doesn’t matter if it’s not Christmas, you know).

Alice