Tag Archives: miley cyrus

10 Reasons why I am not participating in Nanowriblawhatever

(FYI: Nanowhatever is the post-a-day blog month that is for people too lazy to do nanowrimo which is write a novel in a month month, but I am too lazy to do either.)

1. I not the brain have to form posts many that.

2. No one wants 30 pics of Squirrel.



3. I do not have a maniacal puppet assistant like Speaker 7 (who is doing the nanowhatever thing).

4. Sad Pony and his big pony butt.

Reports about me have been greatly exaggerated.  I thought Alice was a pillow.

Reports about me have been greatly exaggerated. I thought Alice was a pillow.

5. Effort?

6. I have Things that ask for food and stuff.

7. I might miss an episode of Extreme Cheapskates and not know that I can share dental floss with my husband to save big bucks.

8. What number am I on?

9. Miley Cyrus.

10. My spambots could not keep up with me.

I think that about covers it.  Anyone out there trying for the post a day in November? 

An Alice Halloween Special 2013

Last year I did a Halloween Special where I talked about Peanuts and the Great Pumpkin and how I was surprised Charlie Brown did not become a serial killer.  My children, the Things, have been nagging me about doing another Halloween Special because I did it last year and now, you know, it’s suddenly tradition.  Crap.

Throw the rock, Charlie Brown, do ittt!

Throw the rock, Charlie Brown, do ittt!

Since I’ve already tackled the Great Pumpkin, I suppose I should get to the origins of Halloween.  If you’ve read my other holiday origin posts, then you know I have done extensive research here, so get ready to be amazed.

I said prepare to be amazed!

As we all know, Halloween is Satanic, but what you might not know is how Satan came up with the whole idea.  Well, first off, you have to feel a little sorry for the dude.  I mean, he screwed up once and suddenly he’s demoted to manager of the bottom floor.  I like to picture Hell as a giant waiting room in a doctor’s office.  You sit for eons waiting to get a pitchfork out of your chest or for someone to treat your 4,000 degree burns.  But guess what?  No doctor is EVER coming.  Unless you’re Catholic.  Then you might get a doctor after a few centuries, but you can’t be certain if he’ll accept your insurance.  Maybe you better just stay in the waiting room.

Should you ever actually reach a doctor, you'll get her.

Should you ever actually reach a doctor, you’ll get her.

But I was talking about Satan.  He’s got all these angry sinners moaning at him all the time about how the lady fell on the knife honest, or hey can you turn down the heat, or it’s been 6,000 years can I stop rolling this boulder uphill?  Whine, whine, whine.  Then you look up and what’s the Big Cheese doing?  Hanging out with the easy good people and the cute little cherubs and stuff.  They have air conditioning up there, and word has it, Cable.  You’re bound to get a little resentful eventually.

See all the cool stuff they get upstairs?

I was lazy so this is my representation of Heaven.  You might prefer the other.

So Satan figured out a way to get even.  He’d come up with a holiday.  It was only fair since the Great CEO already had Easter, Christmas, and Labor Day. But Satan, that wretched scourge of humanity, had to have a holiday that was seriously diabolical.  He decided to encourage small children, those innocent little cherubs, to dress up in outrageously overpriced costumes modeled after figures in popular culture, which we know is evil, and then, and THEN he would have them go beg neighbors for candy to rot their teeth out.  It was horrible yet BRILLIANT and parents fell for it, mostly because he sent his demons to place tons of advertising out well in advance of the holiday so the kids couldn’t possibly miss it.  He’s still not as efficient as the angels who get out the Christmas stuff in August, but he’s getting better and better.

But Mommy I wanna be Hannah Montana!

But Mommy I wanna be Hannah Montana!

So just remember, each year when Tommy dresses up like the 5,000th Iron Man on the block, or Susie dresses up like a cute ballerina, that this is part of Satan’s plan.  He knows that Iron Man is totally violent and that ballerinas often become anorexic and thus both are awful role models.  He’s chuckling as you shell out your hard earned money for something the kids will wear for one night, or worse, insist on wearing FOREVER.  Not only that, you’re going to have to spend Halloween night either taking the kid to some obnoxious carnival with bouncy houses, or dragging them door to door and hoping the people inside aren’t creepers.  And don’t think you get out of it if you don’t have kids.  You can turn the light off at your house, but the little punks will still come and ring your doorbell every five seconds until you lose your mind.

All. Night. Long.

All. Night. Long.

Now there are some parents who refuse to go along with the plan because they know Satan’s plan.  But they can’t escape it either, for yea, Satan is everywhere.  And their kids will whine that their friends get to do Halloween and why can’t theyyy and the churches will give in and have “fall festivals” that are really Halloween in disguise and you can’t go shopping without seeing the evil everywhere and there is no avoiding it unless you plan on moving to an Amish village or worse, some foreign country like France.  So it’s best to just give in and let Satan have his day.  Maybe then he won’t be so handy with the pitchfork when you die choking on a candy corn.

My reaction to candy corn - and Halloween in general.

My reaction to candy corn.

Happy Halloween!

Guest Post! A Pornography Fan’s Review Of Miley Cyrus’ Performance At Video Music Awards

Welcome List of X!  Today my guest blogger will be talking to us about Miley Cyrus and porn.  For some reason he thought a porn related post would work here.  I can’t imagine why, what with the many, many posts on that literary masterpiece 50 Shades of Grey.  Anyhoo, with no further ado, here is a unique perspective on the latest Mileygate.  Read on, then go check out his hilarious blog.

Lately, there has been a lot of noise surrounding Miley Cyrus’ performance at the Video Music Awards. It was called “pornographic”, “perverted”, “disgusting”, “pornographic”, “distasteful”, “objectionable”, and once again, “pornographic”. (This was the most common epithet by far.)  Let me begin by making it clear that I enjoy porn as much as the next guy, and just as any guy, I consider myself a porn expert. (However, since the next guy is probably too busy enjoying it at the moment, I shall be writing this review myself).  So, when I first heard Ms’ Cyrus’ VMA performance being described as “pornographic”, I was immediately intrigued.  My hopes were sky-high after I had seen a few choice photos of the performance.

However, once I actually watched the video, I was extremely disappointed.  The disappointment was somewhat mitigated due to the fact that I watched the video clip with the sound off, partly because of Ms. Cyrus’ singing, and partly because reviewing pornography requires complete silence to be able to concentrate on the object at hand, as well as to be able to hear if someone is about to walk in on you. To many males, pornography is an art form, and for many of us, it’s the only art form we recognize.  Messing with the standards of our favorite art form is something we porn fans simply don’t take lightly.  

To be fair, Ms. Cyrus had done a very good job demeaning herself, which is often a necessary part of the art, and I have to commend her effort and her obvious enthusiasm. But her performance lacked purpose, focus, charisma, and understanding of the unspoken porn boundaries – unspoken because of the silence.  It had all the markings of amateur porn, without actually coming close to being porn. 

Let’s start with the visual appearance.

Ms. Cyrus’ tongue, which kept falling out of her mouth, gave an impression that she’s being chocked by an invisible hand; her hair style looked as though she just fought a losing battle against a lawnmower; and her movements appeared to be more erratic than erotic.  (Of course, that last part might have been caused by the illegible handwriting of Ms. Cyrus’ choreographer).  In all, Ms. Cyrus’ performance served not to remind of the pleasures of sex, but rather seemed to remind of danger of doing drugs. At times, Ms. Cyrus’ movements were so quick that the outline of her figure was becoming blurred, and I couldn’t agree more with Robin Thicke, a fellow porn fan who once famously said, “I hate these blurred lines”.  (If you had watched a video a few times, you might have noticed Mr. Thicke featured in the same video, performing from behind of Ms. Cyrus.) 

Miley Cyrus, pretending to mate with a male zebra.

Miley Cyrus, pretending to mate with a male zebra.

And what was Ms. Cyrus trying to say by playing with a giant foam finger?  Doesn’t she know that the art standards require using only hard objects (such as poles, microphones, etc.) as props in the performance, because soft prop objects often instill a feeling of insecurity in the male audience?  Especially when these props are also patently oversized and can cause foam finger envy in the more impressionable audience members.  It only takes a couple of minutes to research that on the Internet; a few hours if you are a guy.  

The choreographer has apparently also failed to explain that "The Glove" should not be taken literally either.

The choreographer has apparently also failed to explain that “The Glove” should not be taken literally either.

Finally, the tongue.  Yes, I can’t help coming back to the tongue again – but only because said tongue made no less than 20 scene-stealing cameo appearances during the few minutes of the video (which still felt like an eternity). If the dangling tongue was supposed to be Ms. Cyrus’ impression of a female dog in heat, Ms Cyrus’ choreographer should have made it clear to her client that the “dog in heat” move isn’t meant to be a representation of a dog that literally feels hot and sticks out her tongue to cool down. Apparently, choreography and euphemisms just don’t go together well.

My disappointment reached the highest point when, a few minutes into the clip, I found myself looking forward to Robin Thicke’s appearances, so that I didn’t have to subject myself to Ms. Cyrus’ pathetic attempts at being an amateur porn star.  There were no words in my vocabulary to describe what I was seeing, which made me appreciate the made-up word “twerking” that was used to describe Ms. Cyrus’ dance.  Even given my normally chilly attitude towards the teenage slang terms, “twerking” was surprisingly appropriate as a description of what I was seeing.  This bastard of a word paints a vivid picture of what was happening on the stage.  It wasn’t dancing, or porn, it was nothing but “twerking”, with Ms. Cyrus occasionally drifting into twerking off. 

Ms. Cyrus’ dance made me feel dizzy, but did not make me feel anything else.  It seemed as though her pitiful performance was sufficient to make blood leave my brain but not enough to arrive where it should have, if Ms. Cyrus’ performance was indeed as pornographic as many have claimed.  The only thing her performance was able to arise was the ire of the parents groups, and while it’s often an unfortunate by-product of porn, it’s not the kind of arousal any aspiring porn star should be aiming for.

In summary, if Miley Cyrus is considering entering a career in doing porn, I would strongly advise her to keep her day job, whatever it’s supposed to be.


I am taking a small break from the kiddie shows in order to focus on another genre, one possibly more deadly.  Teenie-bopper shows.  Disney and Nickelodeon (or Nick, cause they are trying to be cool) are two of the most responsible for this programming.  These shows tend to feature beautiful, pimple-less teens with major problems, like prom, boyfriends or lack thereof, and parents who are complete morons.

While these shows feature teens, they are usually watched by pre-teens in the 9 to 12 range.  That’s because once a kid reaches the age of the kids on the show, they realize that real school life isn’t remotely like the lives of these teenage stars.  But for younger kids, these shows are great, because they feature great role models they can look up to – um, at least until their role models get caught smoking crack.  Which brings us to the first example, by request:

Hannah Montana

Please don’t tell my heart, my achy breaky arghhhhh. . . .

Hannah Montana is about a girl named Miley, played by Miley Cyrus, in yet another T.V. trend of naming the main characters after the actress so that they can more easily remember which part they play.  Also on the show is Miley’s real-life country music has-been mullet-headed father, Billy Ray Cyrus.  Billy Ray made it big with the song “Achy Breaky Heart” which was played on the radio so many times in the early 90s that people were poking at their own ears with sharp sticks.  The song even spawned a line dance.  No, really.  Horrible times, the 90s.

Anyway, after Achy Breaky, Billy Ray didn’t do a whole lot until he was able to ride the coat tails of his daughter onto her new Disney show.  In the tradition of Disney, they chose a girl who was both pretty and a good singer.  They would also have her act, badly, but with the goofy scripts, it was really hard to tell.  The plot of Hannah Montana was rather simple.  Miley was a young teen who had just moved from Tennessee to Malibu and had to adjust to her oh-so-difficult life filled with problems like concealing her secret identity as rockstar Hannah Montana.  Her disguise was almost as clever as Clark Kent’s.  She wore a blond wig.  Yup.  A rock solid disguise there.

Totally fooled.

So what were the highlights of this show?  Well, first there was the corny accent that I could listen to for all of five seconds before I started looking for that pointy stick I used back in the early 90s.  Or the costumes, that were always modest and appropriate -for a showgirl.  And the singing – imagine the exact same song played over and over and over again.  Oh, sure, my daughter assures me that she was actually singing several different songs, but they all sounded the same to me.  Here’s some of the songs I got from Wikipedia that thankfully I don’t remember.

“Make Some Noise” (how very apropos!)
“If We Were a Movie” (whut?)
“Nobody’s Perfect” (except for Miley / Hannah!)
“The Best of Both Worlds” (I really don’t want to see the worst, then)

Hannah doll comes complete with bong!

Hannah Montana ran from roughly the beginning of time about a million years until mercifully ending in 2011.   By this time, Hannah had spawned a huge merchandizing frenzy, with dolls, bedspreads, and clothes.  At one point, Wal-Mart carried only Hannah Montana clothing in their girl’s section.  The face was everywhere – like Hannah was purposely following me around.  “Haha, you just think you can avoid me by screaming when the T.V. is on until your daughters turn it off.  I’ll show you!”

As Hannah’s fame grew, so did Miley Cyrus’s.  The little brat is worth millions but you’ll be happy to know she has been very responsible with it.  At 15, she posed nearly naked in bedsheets – pictures approved by her father.  Can’t describe the Ick factor there.  Later, she got a video leaked on youtube of her doing drugs on her birthday.  Parents everywhere were filled with joy.  Around the time of this scandle, I was helping at a kindergarden Christmas party for my youngest daughter.  An adorable five-year-old classmate of hers told me, “Miley Cyrus smoked a bong.”  “That’s nice dear, want a cupcake???”

On the plus side, Hannah and Miley are now of age, and the show has ended.  But never fear, for there are still other shows about kids who happen to be rock stars – dozens of them.  So exciting!  OMG.

Final Analysis:

Irritating, has-been country music star: Check

Teen with totally realistic alter-ego: Yup

Disney actress that does drugs: Uh huh

Ick Factor: Present