(FYI: Nanowhatever is the post-a-day blog month that is for people too lazy to do nanowrimo which is write a novel in a month month, but I am too lazy to do either.)
1. I not the brain have to form posts many that.
2. No one wants 30 pics of Squirrel.
3. I do not have a maniacal puppet assistant like Speaker 7 (who is doing the nanowhatever thing).
4. Sad Pony and his big pony butt.
6. I have Things that ask for food and stuff.
7. I might miss an episode of Extreme Cheapskates and not know that I can share dental floss with my husband to save big bucks.
8. What number am I on?
9. Miley Cyrus.
10. My spambots could not keep up with me.
I think that about covers it. Anyone out there trying for the post a day in November?
Last year I did a Halloween Special where I talked about Peanuts and the Great Pumpkin and how I was surprised Charlie Brown did not become a serial killer. My children, the Things, have been nagging me about doing another Halloween Special because I did it last year and now, you know, it’s suddenly tradition. Crap.
Since I’ve already tackled the Great Pumpkin, I suppose I should get to the origins of Halloween. If you’ve read my other holiday origin posts, then you know I have done extensive research here, so get ready to be amazed.
As we all know, Halloween is Satanic, but what you might not know is how Satan came up with the whole idea. Well, first off, you have to feel a little sorry for the dude. I mean, he screwed up once and suddenly he’s demoted to manager of the bottom floor. I like to picture Hell as a giant waiting room in a doctor’s office. You sit for eons waiting to get a pitchfork out of your chest or for someone to treat your 4,000 degree burns. But guess what? No doctor is EVER coming. Unless you’re Catholic. Then you might get a doctor after a few centuries, but you can’t be certain if he’ll accept your insurance. Maybe you better just stay in the waiting room.
But I was talking about Satan. He’s got all these angry sinners moaning at him all the time about how the lady fell on the knife honest, or hey can you turn down the heat, or it’s been 6,000 years can I stop rolling this boulder uphill? Whine, whine, whine. Then you look up and what’s the Big Cheese doing? Hanging out with the easy good people and the cute little cherubs and stuff. They have air conditioning up there, and word has it, Cable. You’re bound to get a little resentful eventually.
So Satan figured out a way to get even. He’d come up with a holiday. It was only fair since the Great CEO already had Easter, Christmas, and Labor Day. But Satan, that wretched scourge of humanity, had to have a holiday that was seriously diabolical. He decided to encourage small children, those innocent little cherubs, to dress up in outrageously overpriced costumes modeled after figures in popular culture, which we know is evil, and then, and THEN he would have them go beg neighbors for candy to rot their teeth out. It was horrible yet BRILLIANT and parents fell for it, mostly because he sent his demons to place tons of advertising out well in advance of the holiday so the kids couldn’t possibly miss it. He’s still not as efficient as the angels who get out the Christmas stuff in August, but he’s getting better and better.
So just remember, each year when Tommy dresses up like the 5,000th Iron Man on the block, or Susie dresses up like a cute ballerina, that this is part of Satan’s plan. He knows that Iron Man is totally violent and that ballerinas often become anorexic and thus both are awful role models. He’s chuckling as you shell out your hard earned money for something the kids will wear for one night, or worse, insist on wearing FOREVER. Not only that, you’re going to have to spend Halloween night either taking the kid to some obnoxious carnival with bouncy houses, or dragging them door to door and hoping the people inside aren’t creepers. And don’t think you get out of it if you don’t have kids. You can turn the light off at your house, but the little punks will still come and ring your doorbell every five seconds until you lose your mind.
Now there are some parents who refuse to go along with the plan because they know Satan’s plan. But they can’t escape it either, for yea, Satan is everywhere. And their kids will whine that their friends get to do Halloween and why can’t theyyy and the churches will give in and have “fall festivals” that are really Halloween in disguise and you can’t go shopping without seeing the evil everywhere and there is no avoiding it unless you plan on moving to an Amish village or worse, some foreign country like France. So it’s best to just give in and let Satan have his day. Maybe then he won’t be so handy with the pitchfork when you die choking on a candy corn.
I am taking a small break from the kiddie shows in order to focus on another genre, one possibly more deadly. Teenie-bopper shows. Disney and Nickelodeon (or Nick, cause they are trying to be cool) are two of the most responsible for this programming. These shows tend to feature beautiful, pimple-less teens with major problems, like prom, boyfriends or lack thereof, and parents who are complete morons.
While these shows feature teens, they are usually watched by pre-teens in the 9 to 12 range. That’s because once a kid reaches the age of the kids on the show, they realize that real school life isn’t remotely like the lives of these teenage stars. But for younger kids, these shows are great, because they feature great role models they can look up to – um, at least until their role models get caught smoking crack. Which brings us to the first example, by request:
Hannah Montana is about a girl named Miley, played by Miley Cyrus, in yet another T.V. trend of naming the main characters after the actress so that they can more easily remember which part they play. Also on the show is Miley’s real-life country music has-been mullet-headed father, Billy Ray Cyrus. Billy Ray made it big with the song “Achy Breaky Heart” which was played on the radio so many times in the early 90s that people were poking at their own ears with sharp sticks. The song even spawned a line dance. No, really. Horrible times, the 90s.
Anyway, after Achy Breaky, Billy Ray didn’t do a whole lot until he was able to ride the coat tails of his daughter onto her new Disney show. In the tradition of Disney, they chose a girl who was both pretty and a good singer. They would also have her act, badly, but with the goofy scripts, it was really hard to tell. The plot of Hannah Montana was rather simple. Miley was a young teen who had just moved from Tennessee to Malibu and had to adjust to her oh-so-difficult life filled with problems like concealing her secret identity as rockstar Hannah Montana. Her disguise was almost as clever as Clark Kent’s. She wore a blond wig. Yup. A rock solid disguise there.
So what were the highlights of this show? Well, first there was the corny accent that I could listen to for all of five seconds before I started looking for that pointy stick I used back in the early 90s. Or the costumes, that were always modest and appropriate -for a showgirl. And the singing – imagine the exact same song played over and over and over again. Oh, sure, my daughter assures me that she was actually singing several different songs, but they all sounded the same to me. Here’s some of the songs I got from Wikipedia that thankfully I don’t remember.
“Make Some Noise” (how very apropos!)
“If We Were a Movie” (whut?)
“Nobody’s Perfect” (except for Miley / Hannah!)
“The Best of Both Worlds” (I really don’t want to see the worst, then)
Hannah Montana ran from roughly the beginning of time about a million years until mercifully ending in 2011. By this time, Hannah had spawned a huge merchandizing frenzy, with dolls, bedspreads, and clothes. At one point, Wal-Mart carried only Hannah Montana clothing in their girl’s section. The face was everywhere – like Hannah was purposely following me around. “Haha, you just think you can avoid me by screaming when the T.V. is on until your daughters turn it off. I’ll show you!”
As Hannah’s fame grew, so did Miley Cyrus’s. The little brat is worth millions but you’ll be happy to know she has been very responsible with it. At 15, she posed nearly naked in bedsheets – pictures approved by her father. Can’t describe the Ick factor there. Later, she got a video leaked on youtube of her doing drugs on her birthday. Parents everywhere were filled with joy. Around the time of this scandle, I was helping at a kindergarden Christmas party for my youngest daughter. An adorable five-year-old classmate of hers told me, “Miley Cyrus smoked a bong.” “That’s nice dear, want a cupcake???”
On the plus side, Hannah and Miley are now of age, and the show has ended. But never fear, for there are still other shows about kids who happen to be rock stars – dozens of them. So exciting! OMG.
Irritating, has-been country music star: Check
Teen with totally realistic alter-ego: Yup
Disney actress that does drugs: Uh huh
Ick Factor: Present