Welcome List of X!  Today my guest blogger will be talking to us about Miley Cyrus and porn.  For some reason he thought a porn related post would work here.  I can’t imagine why, what with the many, many posts on that literary masterpiece 50 Shades of Grey.  Anyhoo, with no further ado, here is a unique perspective on the latest Mileygate.  Read on, then go check out his hilarious blog.

Lately, there has been a lot of noise surrounding Miley Cyrus’ performance at the Video Music Awards. It was called “pornographic”, “perverted”, “disgusting”, “pornographic”, “distasteful”, “objectionable”, and once again, “pornographic”. (This was the most common epithet by far.)  Let me begin by making it clear that I enjoy porn as much as the next guy, and just as any guy, I consider myself a porn expert. (However, since the next guy is probably too busy enjoying it at the moment, I shall be writing this review myself).  So, when I first heard Ms’ Cyrus’ VMA performance being described as “pornographic”, I was immediately intrigued.  My hopes were sky-high after I had seen a few choice photos of the performance.

However, once I actually watched the video, I was extremely disappointed.  The disappointment was somewhat mitigated due to the fact that I watched the video clip with the sound off, partly because of Ms. Cyrus’ singing, and partly because reviewing pornography requires complete silence to be able to concentrate on the object at hand, as well as to be able to hear if someone is about to walk in on you. To many males, pornography is an art form, and for many of us, it’s the only art form we recognize.  Messing with the standards of our favorite art form is something we porn fans simply don’t take lightly.  

To be fair, Ms. Cyrus had done a very good job demeaning herself, which is often a necessary part of the art, and I have to commend her effort and her obvious enthusiasm. But her performance lacked purpose, focus, charisma, and understanding of the unspoken porn boundaries – unspoken because of the silence.  It had all the markings of amateur porn, without actually coming close to being porn. 

Let’s start with the visual appearance.

Ms. Cyrus’ tongue, which kept falling out of her mouth, gave an impression that she’s being chocked by an invisible hand; her hair style looked as though she just fought a losing battle against a lawnmower; and her movements appeared to be more erratic than erotic.  (Of course, that last part might have been caused by the illegible handwriting of Ms. Cyrus’ choreographer).  In all, Ms. Cyrus’ performance served not to remind of the pleasures of sex, but rather seemed to remind of danger of doing drugs. At times, Ms. Cyrus’ movements were so quick that the outline of her figure was becoming blurred, and I couldn’t agree more with Robin Thicke, a fellow porn fan who once famously said, “I hate these blurred lines”.  (If you had watched a video a few times, you might have noticed Mr. Thicke featured in the same video, performing from behind of Ms. Cyrus.) 

Miley Cyrus, pretending to mate with a male zebra.

And what was Ms. Cyrus trying to say by playing with a giant foam finger?  Doesn’t she know that the art standards require using only hard objects (such as poles, microphones, etc.) as props in the performance, because soft prop objects often instill a feeling of insecurity in the male audience?  Especially when these props are also patently oversized and can cause foam finger envy in the more impressionable audience members.  It only takes a couple of minutes to research that on the Internet; a few hours if you are a guy.  

The choreographer has apparently also failed to explain that “The Glove” should not be taken literally either.

Finally, the tongue.  Yes, I can’t help coming back to the tongue again – but only because said tongue made no less than 20 scene-stealing cameo appearances during the few minutes of the video (which still felt like an eternity). If the dangling tongue was supposed to be Ms. Cyrus’ impression of a female dog in heat, Ms Cyrus’ choreographer should have made it clear to her client that the “dog in heat” move isn’t meant to be a representation of a dog that literally feels hot and sticks out her tongue to cool down. Apparently, choreography and euphemisms just don’t go together well.

My disappointment reached the highest point when, a few minutes into the clip, I found myself looking forward to Robin Thicke’s appearances, so that I didn’t have to subject myself to Ms. Cyrus’ pathetic attempts at being an amateur porn star.  There were no words in my vocabulary to describe what I was seeing, which made me appreciate the made-up word “twerking” that was used to describe Ms. Cyrus’ dance.  Even given my normally chilly attitude towards the teenage slang terms, “twerking” was surprisingly appropriate as a description of what I was seeing.  This bastard of a word paints a vivid picture of what was happening on the stage.  It wasn’t dancing, or porn, it was nothing but “twerking”, with Ms. Cyrus occasionally drifting into twerking off. 

Ms. Cyrus’ dance made me feel dizzy, but did not make me feel anything else.  It seemed as though her pitiful performance was sufficient to make blood leave my brain but not enough to arrive where it should have, if Ms. Cyrus’ performance was indeed as pornographic as many have claimed.  The only thing her performance was able to arise was the ire of the parents groups, and while it’s often an unfortunate by-product of porn, it’s not the kind of arousal any aspiring porn star should be aiming for.

In summary, if Miley Cyrus is considering entering a career in doing porn, I would strongly advise her to keep her day job, whatever it’s supposed to be.