Tag Archives: Moby Dick

50 Shades Flunked: Lesson 10

Wow, we’re back.  Did you enjoy your Christmas (or whatever) vacations, boys and girls?  Did you get lots of good toys?  You know what I mean (wink, wink), hahahahahaha – oh shit, I hate these books.

But no one said school was supposed to be easy.  No, it’s supposed to be hard.  So hard.  So hard you could etch glass, that’s how hard.  It’s a new semester, and almost a new year, and we have like 500 chapters more to go of this book and wow I’m starting to wish we covered Moby Dick, aren’t you?  Why the hell did he name that whale that?  Is there something Melville knows that we don’t?

A “cuddly” classic – just like 50 Shades.

Anyway, speaking of classics, we return to 50 Shades of Shite.  In case you’ve forgotten (I know I sure as hell tried to) last we left Ana-kins, she had disobeyed her master and peed all over the floor.  I mean, she went out drinking with a friend.  And she came back to find Jack Hyde tied up on the floor, which was weird, cause normally it’d be her tied up while Christian whacked her with a newspaper.  And we wondered what Christian’s reaction to this intruder would be.

Well, he doesn’t shoot everybody (damn it), and he obviously doesn’t do something wacky like get better security.  Which leaves B) he wants to beat the shit out of Ana.  While I admit this is a natural reaction to meeting Ana, it seems an odd one considering the circumstances, but what do I know?  Except that Barbara Walters said the writer of this crap-o-la was the one of the most fascinating people of 2012.  Lesbiannextdoor brought us that terrible news, if you’ll recall:

“Also – did you hear that E.L. James is one of Barbara Walters’ 10 most fascinating people of 2012?! I think the Mayans might be right! If this terrible 7th grade level writing can not only make her a millionaire, but also get Barbara Walters to call her “fascinating” the wold MUST be coming to an end!”

If only, Les, if only.  Have a bonus point.  Okay, since we’re still here, let’s get to it.  Right away, we find out Hyde isn’t dead, he just turned into Jekyll and got in through the service entrance.  I can’t remember anyone doing that before oh wait yeah I do and her name was Leila.  Awesome security there, dumbasses (facepalm).  The Scooby team also hasn’t restrained him yet, cause they don’t have rope.  Who could possibly have something like that OH I KNOW.  Ana saves the day by producing cable ties (facepalm). Thank God she was there.  I’m surprised she didn’t also bring handcuffs, a ballgag, and a buttplug just for funsies (facepalm).

Ana thinks these are a "marital device".

Ana thinks these are a “marital device”.

We also find out that – dun dun dun – Jack had a gun!  This is a huge shock cause how weird for a criminal to break in to an apartment while armed (facepalm).  Then Ana says something oddly sensible, ie that they should call the fucking cops.  She thinks hey she wasn’t there so she didn’t get kidnapped so maybe she won’t be in trouble.  With her husband, not the guy that just broke in (RedFlag).  Keep it straight, you guys.

Ana can’t reach Our Hero because he was madfaced and turned off his phone so theres Ana! (RedFlag)  The detective comes and leaves (like who cares he’s not Christian, gawd) and Ana goes to bed.  She wakes up to find Christian burning a hole into her skull with his eyeballs. (RedFlag)  Ana asks if he’s still madfaced at her for going out and he says he is SO MAD so Ana crawls in his lap. (AnaFail, WTF)  They cuddle, and he plays with her hair and whispers lovingly in her ear “I want to punish you . . . really beat the shit out of you.” (Fucking red flag!)  Gawd, that is so romantic.

Your skin is so soft- let me wear it as a coat.

Your skin is so soft- let me wear it as a coat.

Next morning Ana tries to sexytimes him (sexytimes), but he is still mad – at her – for not being there to be kidnapped by Jack. (RedFlag, facepalm)  We get to hear Ana’s discussion with Mrs. Jones  about what she wants for breakfast– it’s an omelet.  With mushrooms and spinach.  And cheese.  I just thought you should know that, since James felt the need to point it out. (BoredNow) Ana asks Christian if she can take her own car (AnaFail) and nope, but Ana is just relieved he’s letting her go to work (AnaFail, RedFlag).  What a guy.  Christian is not too pissed to shove his tongue down Ana’s throat as a goodbye, before going back to being pissed again. (WTF, RedFlag)

Ana gets to work and just in time for more emails! (AliceScreams)

Why the emails?  Look at kitteh!  Look at her!

Why the emails? Look at kitteh! Look at her!

She wonders whether he came back because of the intruder or her having a drink.  Lemmie think here.  They email back and forth with this question (AliceScreams, BoredNow) and finally Ana tells him off in an email.  Way to grow an online spine, Ana-kins!  I’m sure this will have a positive effect on your reasonable husband (facepalm)

She meets with the detective again for like two sentences cause like who cares about that shit? (facepalm) Then she leaves work, having completed two Elmo pictures that both got smiley faces.  Productive day.  She gets home to find Christian in those pants (AliceScreams) – the ones from the playroom.  Christian says, “Good to have you home.  I’ve been waiting for you.” (RedFlag)  Bwahahahahaha.

Final Score: 100 – 46 60 = -6

She ALMOST made it to Double Jeopardy, but Alex is still not impressed.

 

Here we go again.

Here we go again.

Question Ten:

Next time, on the Dumb and the Brainless . . .

Christian sexytimes tortures Ana – again.  And Ana has to yell the safeword, which is . . .

A) Red

B) Popsickle

C)Feminism is dead

But WAIT, there’s more!  Exciting times, you guyz.  We have new students who may or may not know they’re students.  Susan L Daniels and RoS, poets extraodinaire who I have led to the darkside of literature.  Yay, me.  Also, there has been an inbalance in the Force!  Jill has assumed the lead, folks.  It is neck and neck or “down there” and “down there” or . . . what the hell am I saying?

Roll Call!

GiggsMcGill Jill 28 + 4 = 32

faithhopechocolate 29 + 2 = 31

Storkhunter 28 + 1 = 29

MissFourEyes 22 + 4 = 26

Speaker7 20 + 2 = 22

Ravinj 20 + 1 = 21

Carrie Rubin  19

Lesbiannextdoor 11 + 2 + 1 = 14

Love and Lunchmeat 9

Doggy’s Style  7 + 1 = 8

TAE 5 + 2 = 7

The Bumble Files 6

Jemmy 6

Angel Fractured 5

StetotheJ 5

Ruby Tuesday 4

Jen and Tonic 4

Susan L Daniels 3

Womanmdsguide 2

Lovelifelaundry 2

Lulu Stark 2

RoS 1

SueOctober 1

Madame Weebles 1

Society Red 1

prttypnk 1

Books They Made You Read In School

I have always been opposed to censorship.  That means that even though some books, like, say 50 Shades of Grey, have probably widened the hole in the ozone layer, people should be allowed to read them if they want.  But you might be wondering, is it just popular literature that sucks?  Oh, no, says Alice.  Classics can suck too, and having majored in English, I consider myself quite the authority on literature suckage.  For one thing, to be a classic, a book has to be horribly depressing, from what I can tell.  I don’t know about you, but I can get enough depressing just by watching the news (esp Fox News).  I don’t need books for that.
How many books do we read in school only because it was an assignment?  How many books would NEVER be read if it weren’t for English classes?  Probably quite a few.  Here’s a few of my least favorites, and summaries so that you can be informed of these great works of literature.

And it’s a SERIES. Hoo-ray.

Rabbit, Run
By John Updike
Summary:  I have tried to obliterate as much of the plot of this book from my mind as possible.  What I do remember is that this book has a protagonist so creepy you want to hit him with a crowbar.  Repeatedly.  You also want to go back and hit John Updike with a crowbar just for writing it.
Final Analysis: Run, Reader, Run!
Moby Dick
By Herman Melville
Summary: Starts out interesting adventure story with some guy named Ishmael.  Suddenly, author stops plot cold to talk about whales.  A lot.  Then the story starts back with the point of view of some other guy named Starbuck.  Book is well known for the white whale being compared to everything from God to a lawnmower, and also its stupid character names including “Starbuck” and “Moby Dick”.
Final Analysis: Take out about 600 pages and it’s not too bad.
The Grapes of Wrath
By John Steinbeck
No grapes in the book.   It’s about the Great Depression, so not surprisingly, it’s a bit of a downer.  Mostly I remember an adult guy breastfeeding from a woman.  Kind of hard to forget, that.
Final Analysis: Read the Cliff Notes, so you can sound learned but not get so depressed you’re ready to jump off a building.

If there’s a tombstone on the cover, that’s a bad sign.

Great Expectations
By Charles Dickens
I don’t know what girl dumped on Charles, but this book is his revenge.  Protagonist loser Pip chases after Estella who stomps on his heart at the beginning, middle, and end of the book.  Also involves Miss Haversham, an old lady covered in cobwebs that would become the model for librarians everywhere.
Final Analysis: Expect all you want, but it’s pretty long and has a lousy ending.
Last of the Mohicans
By James Fenimore Cooper
Novel that would be sexist and racist if one could understand a word of it.  The author, clearly in an attempt at humor, names the main character Natty Bumppo.
Final Analysis:  Watch the movie: at least you can look at Daniel Day Lewis.
The Sound and the Fury
By William Faulkner
Book is written in stream of consciousness, which is another way of saying “incomprehensible”.   I can’t remember anything about it, and I like to keep it that way.
Final Analysis:  Listen to Shakespeare.  “Full of Sound and Fury, Signifying Nothing”
The Odyssey
By Homer
Typical guy gets lost and won’t ask for directions.   Has adventures while sailing around Greece.  Most of his men are eaten by monsters, but they’re really stupid, so you don’t care too much.   Long poem, but repeats the same phrases like “rosy fingered dawn” over and over until you are ready to jump into the ocean with the Sirens.
Final Analysis: Weird, but has romance, lots of blood and gore, and a one-eyed monster that eats sheep.  Two thumbs up!

Always take your presciption meds.

Don Quixote
By Miguel de Cervantes
Old crazy guy runs around and charges at monstrous windmills and such.  There was supposed to be something really symbolically significant about it, but I forget what that was.
Final Analysis: Shows the Spanish authors are as nutty as the English authors
Dante’s Inferno
By Dante (surprise!)
This book puts the reader through hell – literally.  The seven circles of hell will later be what many Christians think the Biblical hell is all about, since they haven’t actually read their Bibles. 
Final Analysis:  Hell kinda sucks.  Best to avoid it.