Condiment Sex Ed: Revisiting Blue’s Clues
So the other day the girls and I were discussing how salt and pepper reproduce. Yes we were. Don’t look at us, this happened in a cartoon – FOR CHILDREN! Blue’s Clues, to be exact. Now I touched on this weirdness in my review quite a while back (LINK DROP) but it still bugs me, because I think about this kind of stuff instead of say, world peace. One thing is for sure, world peace ain’t never gonna happen while condiments are allowed to party in the kitchen cabinet while you sleep.
So what am I talking about exactly? If you guessed Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper and their spice spawn, then I’m really sorry, cause that means your brain is storing the same useless information as mine is.
A brief summary of Blue’s Clues. There’s this mentally challenged guy named Steve or Joe, they’re pretty much interchangeable, and he has a dog named Blue. She can’t talk so she gives “clues” using paw prints. Now the weird thing about this is that while the dog can’t talk, practically everything else can. Soap, a side table drawer, a shovel and pail, possibly Steve’s underpants, and of course the salt and pepper shakers. Who are married. Of course they are.
But that’s not all. Oh, no. Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper have a BABY. Her name is Paprika. I can’t for the life of me figure out the logistics of this – there’s just too many holes. I mean, in the lids. Besides that, I’ve tried combining salt and pepper together and I do not get paprika. Thing One found a video that discusses why they made Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper talk and not Blue, and how they wanted to teach kids about getting younger siblings and . . . wait, what? That’s right. It happened AGAIN. They had another baby named Cinnamon. I think this is getting out of hand. In this video Neil DeGrasse Tyson – yes the astrophysicist – asks why Blue can’t talk and Paprika, the inanimate object, can. Pay special attention to 1:12 in the video for something really whack.
It’s not just the salt and pepper having funsies, you guys, nope. If you look at the frame below, you can clearly see what looks like a baby mayo, ketchup, mustard, hot sauce, and I have no idea what the green one is – guacamole? Who knew this could happen? And if it can, why on earth do we go to the grocery store? Why not just breed our own condiments?
I’ll tell you why. Because it’s just WRONG, that’s why. If we allow this marriage of Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper, who knows what will be next? Col. Mustard and Mrs. Ketchup making their own special sauce? I don’t think so. That’s why I have all my condiments and spices spayed or neutered, and you should too. And never, ever let your salt and pepper stay in the same cabinet, not unless you really need a new spice rack in the next few months.
Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper offer up so many other questions. Like, when you refill the salt shaker, is that like a blood transfusion? If it runs out of salt and you wait too long, does the shaker die? What about if the spice inside the shaker passes the expiration date? Is that like old age? If so my spice rack is a freaking morgue. Thing Two claims a friend of hers actually buried an empty salt shaker after exposure to Blue’s Clues. Really, people, we must think about the CHILDREN. I can’t believe Fox News hasn’t picked up on this smut we’re showing to our impressionable youth by now.
Also, try not to think about what Steve and Joe do with that poor living Soap. No – no, not there!!!!
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Back in Blue, Alright!
This post is dedicated to Marie, and viewers like her. Thank you!
I haven’t been the most prolific blogger lately, but I recently got a comment on the post “Condiment Sex Ed: Revisiting Blue’s Clues” in which Neil Degrasse Tyson, my readers, and I speculated about sex with condiments. Not people having sex with condiments, but condiments having sex with each other, just to clear that up. I’m not that foul-minded. Anyhoo, famous Astrophysicist Neil asked a Blue’s Clue’s creator how Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper had a baby that talked. That was him, not me, but of course I thought about it too because I think about everything.
This post was a sequel to a post I made as part of a series of reviews of children’s television shows that annoyed me as parent watching with my child. I also feel the need to point out that this post was written in 2014, and that I was not then nor am I now affiliated with any children’s T.V. stations, though I think I could come up with plenty of great preschool show ideas considering a show about talking fingers was successful. “Condiment Sex Ed” was a quite popular post, with amazing thought-provoking ideas in the comments. People still read it today. Like Marie. Marie is not the first person to comment negatively on one on my posts. In fact, I earlier detailed the bizarre number of people who were incredibly upset about my “Dragon Tales” review. I am leaving links for viewers like you (and Marie) to check out if you want to, and not just because I like link dropping.
On to Marie’s Concerned Comment:
Steve and Joe professing their innocence.
There are so many clues to decipher in this comment that I can hardly put my paw print on it. I will, though, because I Learned So Much. Such as:
These new facts make me curious, and since this is a show about answering questions, I have several. First, how did Marie find my post? Just googling “Blue’s Clues” or “Blue’s Clues review” gives me nothing. Typing the entire title “Condiment Sex Ed: Revisiting Blue’s Clues” does bring up my name, first thing! I’m proud. I would advise you not to look up “condiment sex ed.” on its own. I wish I hadn’t. My point here, is that the only way I could think of Marie finding my post was either by researching condiments and sex ed. (shame on you, Marie) or by stumbling upon it on a Pinterest board or something, which was how many “concerned citizens” found my Dragon Tales’ post. It’s always good to read something before referencing it. At least read the title. It’s in the title.
“Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.”
Okay, here’s another question. How does she know what toddlers think about salt and pepper and baby making? I raised two toddlers, and I can safely vouch that toddlers have a lot of bizarre ideas. Sesame Street taught my brother that he “could never go down the drain” and then he was afraid of drains. Yay! If toddlers are afraid of drains sucking them down, why wouldn’t they be concerned about living soap? Or wonder about how salt and pepper got paprika? I mention in my post that a friend of Thing Two’s (my youngest child’s name – I am a Good Parent) buried a salt shaker after exposure to Blue’s Clues. So yay for education! A child thought a salt shaker had to be buried! The more you know!
This must be our new guy. Blink twice if you need help, Josh.
I’m not knocking children’s T.V. I was thrilled to have it for my children, especially those shows on P.B.S. that were free. I knew that they might learn something (hopefully not that salt is alive) and that if nothing else, it was safe. New parents do get exposed to this repetitive stuff just like toddlers, at a time when they are already in a repetitive Ground Hog Day of juice delivery and potty-training done often in isolation. They cope however they can. Considering the times we live in now, Marie, maybe you should relax and not get so uptight over someone’s thought on a children’s show. Maybe find a little humor. Or just don’t read my blog.
It’s far too educating and entertaining.