Crap. I don’t get this book. I mean, we’ve taken care of Leila (I miss her so) and Snidely Hyde. Our oh-so-dramatic did Christian go boom-boom plot was resolved in one chapter. Ana has agreed to marry Captain Asshole. So why, why, WHY are there still three chapters? What important shit could be left?
Answer? NONE. In fact, I can sum up the next two chapters in a couple of paragraphs.
Chapter 20: Christian and Ana have sex in the shower. Again. For pages. And pages and pages and pages. Ana has breakfast with Jose. Christian and Jose bond over liking to fish and stalk Ana. Ana gives Christian a toy helicopter. But that’s not all! Just what do you get the man who has everything? His own stuff put in a box. No, really. Nipple clamps, a buttplug, his tie, a key to the playroom, you know, these are a few of his favorite things. That he already owns. Jeepers, thanks, Ana!
Chapter 21: Christian and Ana do it in the playroom. He puts his finger in her butt and clamps her nips. I wish I didn’t have to say that last sentence. And then. Well, you know what happens next, right? Emails. Of course.
Then Ana tells Dad about getting married and finds photos he took of his ex subs in fun poses (Is his finger in their butts? I don’t want to know.) Then she tells her mom she’s getting married (that’s what I’d do after finding nudey pics of my fiance’s exes.) And Ana wears a too-short dress and Christian’s madfaced until they do it in his office. Then she bakes him a cake. And Kate finds an email about the sex contract and she gets madfaced.
So now we’re to the last chapter. Chapter 22. Since Kate is finally back from her eternal trip to Barbados, we’ll interview her. One last hurrah. I managed to catch her during a party at Christian’s parents celebrating the engagement.
Alice: Kate. Glad to have you back. How was Barbados?
Kate: Great! Beaches, boyfriend, and no Ana!
Alice: Does sound like paradise alright. So it looks like you missed a little in the last two weeks.
Kate: Yes! I mean, there was some stalker chick and Ana’s boss was all rapey (I figured there was some reason he hired the moron) and suddenly she’s engaged to Elliot’s asshole brother. That’s a lot. Glad I missed most of it.
Alice: I wish I had. So I hear you found an email mentioning the sex contract.
Kate: I did! And I immediately confronted Ana.
Alice: What did she say?
Kate: Typical. It was none of my business and all in the past and everything was like, all happily ever after. And Asshat was hovering over her and he took the email and burned it in the fireplace. Then he says they’re getting married and I was like, wtf? And Ana says ignore the whole sex slave thing cause she’s all happy and she didn’t want me to ruin her party and all that.
Alice: Right. She has her priorities straight, doesn’t she?
Kate: Ugh. She’s such an idiot. I can’t stand her.
Alice: Then why is she your roommate?
Kate: Oh, you know, I feel sorry for her. I swear if she looked up in the shower she’d drown, she’s just that stupid. I think the university gave her that English diploma so she’d go away and they wouldn’t get sued for her getting killed on their property. I mean, really, what the heck can you do with an English degree anyway?
Alice: I have two and I can’t even get a discount on my coffee.
Kate: There you go. Anyway, I apologized for expressing concern for Ana’s safety, because at this point I just don’t care if she ends up on the six o’clock news, you know?
Alice: I know exactly. Anything else happen at the party?
Kate: There were a lot of people there. Dr. Flynn and his wife showed up.
Alice: Appropriate as always.
Kate: And his assistant Ros – she was the only one not having orgasms over Christian.
Alice: Really? A strong woman?
Kate: No, a lesbian.
Alice: Of course. Stupid me.
Kate: Mrs. Robinson came too. Elliot told me a little about her. Apparently she used to do lots of tutoring with Christian all alone at her house for hours at a time. But he never had homework in his backpack, just buttplugs and stuff.
Alice: That would make me a bit suspicious.
Kate: Yeah, well, Elliot was just glad he was keeping busy away from him. Christian has been a psychotic asshole since he came to live with them. Between Christian and that manic Cocker Spaniel sister, it’s amazing Elliot has any sanity left.
Alice: I do feel for him. Didn’t their parents notice anything was up?
Kate: Those two? I think they both got lobotomies a while ago.
Alice: That’s starting to sound like a good idea. So what happened?
Kate: Christian announced the engagement and Mrs. Robinson got her panties in a wad and trapped Ana in a room. I listened at the door. She was pissy that Ana was marrying Christian because she thought Christian was hers.
Alice: Oh, good grief.
Kate: Then Christian burst in and they argued and he said she only taught him to fuck and here’s the best part. His mom walked in next. And she finally got a clue.
Alice: Wow. After only, what, 12 years? Mom of the year.
Kate: So they talked and Ana walked off and hung out in his room and Christian came and said he would finally stop hangin’ with his former rapist and she was happy. And then he told her to eat.
Alice: Oh, I was so afraid we wouldn’t hear that again.
Kate: And then he took her to a room with flowers and asked her to marry him again and she was so flipping happy. And so was I.
Kate: Well yeah. Finally I’m rid of the nit wit. Probably for good.
Alice: Fair point well made, Kate. Oh shit. He’s gotten to me too.
Kate: At least this book’s over right?
Alice: Sure except – wtf is this end bit? It’s not in first person or told by Ana – she can’t freaking do that again! Arghhhhhh.
Stay tuned next time for my reflections on this fucking book. Laters. Shit. I hate E.L. James.
I have to tell you, reader, I was warned about this book. Sure, I expected a difficult road. After all, I’d been through 50 Shades of Grey. But this book. This. Book. Ms. Ana Bobanaball Steele’s memoirs are just pages, just so many pages, with random words but nothing happening. And by nothing, I mean, once again . . .
No, seriously, not funnin’ here. It’s the same thing, over, and over, and over. For pages, and pages, and pages, and pages, and pages and pages and arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Excuse me. We are halfway through here. I’m stocked up on alcohol. Time to interview someone. And then go stick my head in a toilet and die. Next up is – Jesus hates me more than you will know, guys. It’s Mrs. Robinson.
Alice: Here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson.
Mrs. Robinson: My name is Elena. Isn’t it a little early to be drinking hard liquor?
Alice: Nooope. So. You were friends with Christian’s mom, right?
Mrs. Robinson: Yes, that is correct.
Alice: So you thought, hey, since we’re such good friends, she probably wouldn’t mind if I used her 15 year old as my sex slave and beat the snot out of him and sexed him up and just generally screwed with his mind for years. What are friends for, right? Right?
Mrs. Robinson: I do believe you’re drunk.
Alice: I am not nearly drunk enough, lady. Let’s get on with it. You are still, uh, friends with Christian and own a business with him. Naturally. And you just show up randomly on his doorstop for kicks?
Mrs. Robinson: It was not random. I am being blackmailed!
Alice: By who?
Mrs. Robinson: I do not know. I came to Christian for advice.
Alice: That actually kind of makes sense, considering. Bet Ana got her knickers in a twist. That’s a Britishism you know, for underwear.
Mrs. Robinson: I just don’t know about that Ana. She hurt my Christian!
Alice: Riiiight. And only you get to do that! With a flogger, am I right?
Mrs. Robinson: Tut tut. Only the best riding crops for my sex slaves.
Alice: So sorry, my mistake. So you came over just to talk about someone blackmailing you. That it?
Mrs. Robinson: Well, yes.
Alice: Not. Good. Enough. Plot. You need to have something to do with the plot. There should be a plot. Where is the plot? Where is ittttttttt????????
Mrs. Robinson: How many drinks have you had now?
Alice: Never-you-mindeh that. Okay, so you hates Ana. Big whoopeh. So dooo we alls. Do you wanta kill hersh? Cause, cause I knowth some peoples can helps wit that.
Mrs. Robinson: I don’t want to kill anybody. Who do you think I am?
Alice: Child molessssttteh. Or somethink. Yous shouldth find um that um Leila! Yeah, Yeah! And Jacker, Jack Hyde!
Mrs. Robinson: Oh, I know Jack Hyde. I used to screw with him too.
Alice: Wait. Did . . . Jamesth writes that? Can’t ‘member.
Mrs. Robinson: Well, no, but it only makes sense. Anyway, Jack told me she is a terrible employee. A week on the job and not a single blowjob in sight. So hard to find good help these days! She emailed Christian a lot – ohhh, he just writes the sexiest emails.
Alice: I hahhhhve a game. You drink – whens they emails. Issth so great.
Mrs. Robinson: Ah, but I’m getting off track. I just put a little camera in Ana’s hair clip. That way I can watch Ana and make sure she doesn’t hurt my poor widdle Christi-poo.
Alice: Drinksss for stalkings! Wooot!
Mrs. Robinson: Yes, the camera is handy. Well, except for the sex. They had sex on the piano, which I do not think is the proper way to play that instrument.
Alice: Drinksss for sexxxy timesssss!
Mrs. Robinson: Anyway, they spoke on the phone, and they argued playfully, and Ana’s friend Kate’s brother came and he was so gorgeous, of course, and all the girls were jealous and naturally he was in love with Ana, because for some reason all men are.
Alice: Drinkkksss for mens in loves with Ana!
Mrs. Robinson: Ana had some more useless conversations, and then she and Christian and Ethan and the security team went to Ana’s apartment and here is where it gets exciting! Alice, wake up. I think you’re about to pass out.
Alice: Wh-what? Excitings?
Mrs. Robinson: Yes. When Ana walked in her apartment, there was Leila. With a gun!
Alice: Heeeere’s to Leila!
Mrs. Robinson: Alice . . . hmm, I’ll just let you take that little nap on the floor, then.*
* That was a nice nap. Bitchin’ headache later, though. I might need hard drugs for the next chapter.
Chapter 19, page 261. We’re getting there! Only seven more chapters. Is that long enough for him to kill her and then get sentenced to prison for murder where he gets to personally learn some hard limits? Let’s find out.
Now that Christian has chained up Ana and introduced her to his riding crop and cable ties, it’s time for her to meet his parents! No, really! To make this meeting more fun, Christian has stolen Ana’s panties, but Ana is not going to ask for them back, because that will show him. “I almost hug myself with glee, because I know this will drive him crazy.” Ana thinks. Yeah, that’s a good idea. Purposefully antagonize Mr. Stable.
They dance to Sinatra’s song “Witchcraft”, because they are both so highbrow don’t you see? Naturally he is a fabulous dancer. They finally leave to meet his parents, and Ana thinks “Oh the many faces of Christian Grey.” Hey, that reminds me of “The Three Faces of Eve”, a movie Ana should really check out. She, subconscious, and inner goddess would get a real kick out of it.
Ana finds out Christian learned to dance from “Mrs. Robinson” her name for the woman that molested him and taught him the fine art of slapping the crap out of people. She is so jealous. Jealous of the woman that abused her boyfriend . . . I don’t . . . even.
She meets his mom and dad, who are nothing like the parents in Twilight at all, and then his little sister Mia who bounces around like a Cocker Spaniel on crack. His brother is there as well, with Kate, and they are making out all over each other which Ana finds really disturbing. Ana, Ana, Ana. You were tied up and sucking on a riding crop the night before. I don’t think you have much room to judge.
Ana mentions that she is going to Georgia to see her mom for a few days. Christian handles this predictably well. Dinner time! Kate mentions that Ana went to the bar with her buddy Jose on Friday because apparently she hates Ana as much as I do. Christian whispers that he’s “palm-twitchingly mad” now while keeping up a happy face in front of his parents. Ana is scared to death. I just love stories of true love, don’t you?
Ana gets jealous of their blonde maid who is in love with Christian. Surprise. Christian distracts her by running his hand up her thigh. Ana shuts her legs tight to stop him. They’re still at the dinner table with his family. What a charmer, that Christian. He abruptly announces that he’s going to show Ana around and drags her out to the boathouse. Well, he starts with dragging, and then tosses her over his shoulder. Ana’s one brain cell realizes, “He’s mad about something – could be Jose, Georgia, no panties, biting my lip. Jeez, he’s easy to rile.” And any of those things are perfectly good reasons to get enraged. You know, if you’re batshit insane. He warns her that he is going to spank and then fuck her. End chapter!
Chapter 20 begins with Ana again pleading “Please don’t hurt me.” Christian proves he’s not completely heartless, and decides to just “fuck her for his pleasure, not hers” as punishment for her not-crimes. He grabs her, you know, down there and informs her aggressively that “This is mine . . . all mine.” Oh, wow, I think I am going to swoon. And then he warns her not to come, because he’ll punish her, even though Ana can orgasm to anything, even Trojan commericals. She doesn’t, lucky girl, and Mia shows up and Christian says he was showing her his rowing trophies. Because he’s an expert dancer, rower, is fluent in French, and made millions of dollars by the time he was twenty-six. All this and fucking crazy too! What a package!
After the dinner, Ana gets mad at Kate. Now Kate does not have all the information we do, since Ana has not told her he’s actually beating her. However, Kate is supposedly a fabulous investigative reporter, and she did notice that Christian was creepy, and that he has made Ana cry ever since he met her. So, yeah, duh, Kate. Then again, you notice she gets mad at the clueless friend for antagonizing the boyfriend, not the boyfriend for getting antagonized and beating her.
But it’s all okay, because Ana thinks, “Can I not lead him into the light?” Sure, Ana, you can change him with the power of love, even though no other woman has ever managed to do this ever. He promises to “try” not to be an asshole, and that tiny thread of hope is all Ana needs. She says she’ll sign the contract, (D’oh!) but he advises she wait until after Georgia. They go back to his house and the chapter ends oh no there’s another sex scene first. Cause who wouldn’t be in the mood after that scene at the boathouse? She asks him to “make love to her” and then her subconscious chides her because “think about all that he’s said, how much he’s conceded.” Yeah, Ana, he said he’d try not to beat you occasionally. Jeez. And subconscious, who the hell’s side are you on anyway?
They share a toothbrush, which is so sexy if you’re a total freak, and Ana has a brilliant idea. She’ll let him beat her if he’ll just tell her a little about his background. Great plan! Christian puts some vaginal balls in her, and she asks him to spank her, and he does, but this time it’s so awesome because it’s not as painful and then he sexes her and they both have massive orgasms and then they cuddle up to sleep. And then Christian gives her one sentence of background info, just before the chapter mercifully ends.
“The woman who brought me into this world was a crack whore, Anastasia. Go to sleep.”