Tag Archives: muffin top

I lose five pounds every morning . . .

When I posted Epic Quests and Crap Like That, I had no idea that it was going to be pressed, or that I’d get such an incredible response.  Obviously the WP editor knew what she was doing – this is a topic that most people deal with at some point.  Except those teeny, tiny people who have to “struggle” to reach 100 pounds when they are pregnant.  I knew a woman like this.  Luckily for her, she was honestly a very sweet lady, otherwise she might have ended up a teeny, tiny pancake.

Anyway, this was a good and bad thing.  Good in that, hey, look at all the cool people who showed up and took the time to leave interesting and thoughtful comments.  Bad in that, oh crap, now I have to actually stick with this?  Well, maybe not that bad.  I mean, losing weight is a good thing, unless you’re anorexic, then stop, please. The messages we send people, especially women, about weight are just so wrong, but that’s another issue entirely.

Because I do actually need to lose a little.  I’m practical about it.  I know I’m never going to be the size I was before having the Things.  Growing people inside your body shockingly seems to be a real body changer.  I mean, who knew, right?  Even if you do get back in perfect shape, you’ve got all that leftover skin just hangin’ out there.  People like to call them “muffin tops” cause the skin pops out over your jeans like a . . . muffins sound good.  Really good.  Wait.  Here’s an awesome video to take your mind off of muffins.  Especially chocolate ones.

Anyway, part of my quest involves me weighing myself.  I try to avoid this in the same way I try to avoid checking my bank account balance.  It doesn’t change the balance, but you don’t have to feel all sadfaced that way.  But Superbetter says you should weigh yourself.  Bite me, Superbetter.

So I got a scale with a digital readout, because it turns out I couldn’t read the other dusty scale I had without my glasses on and good grief I’m old.  This digital scale is so awesome; it measures even tenths of a pound.  This turns out to be not such a good thing, as I’m trying anything to shave off even bits of pound.  Like weighing myself with as few clothes as possible, first thing in the morning, after bathroom activities.  That’s what Superbetter tells you to do, so that you don’t get all those weird weight fluctuations.

And if you’ve ever weighed yourself throughout the day (as I stupidly did because I am somewhat OCD) you understand why.  It turns out that you can gain and lose as much as five freaking pounds over the course of a day, what with drinking, eating, going potty, eating some more, storing up gas like the Hindenburg, etc.  What the heck is with that?  As if I’m not confused enough?

Anyway, I said my Epic Win was to lose five pounds.  If I wanted to, I could technically say I do that every single day.  First thing in the morning.  The problem is that I lose the same five pounds every single day and then gain them back by nightfall.  Which means I’m pretty much back where I started.  Every single day.  Does this sound familiar?

WTF, I could fit in this house this morning!

WTF, I could fit in this house this morning!

On the plus side, at least I haven’t gained any weight.  I don’t think.  Another thing you are supposed to do is record your weight, but I forget to record the number and then I forget exactly what it was later.  If I’m losing .005 pounds, then I want Superbetter to know this, darn it, because I deserve a Pokemon Power Up.

Yet this blog requires honesty.  No, it doesn’t.  I mean, I could make crap up and none of you would ever know.  It’s not like I’m showing you body shots.  But what would be the point of lying?  So I’m being up front here.  I have made some changes.  I bought food with more fiber in it, and sometimes I remember to eat it.  I haven’t totally shaken the sugary cola thing, but I don’t drink as much of it.  I mostly try to drink diet, which they say increases your sugar cravings, but I’m not sure how I would tell this as I am a sugar fiend anyway.  I don’t like diet as much, therefore, there isn’t as much soda consumption.  I’m trying to increase the amount of water I drink.  If it’s cold, it’s not so bad.

I am walking more, or at least being more mindful about it.  I take the stairs, not the elevator.  I work on the second floor of a university library, which means I must trudge up stairs and across a very large floor to get to my office.  The bathroom happens to be on the other side of this floor, or, if I wish, I can trudge down stairs to go to the staff only restroom.  Either way, I’m getting pee exercise.  I have to do this a lot (see babies change your body above) so yay, exercise.  No more elevator unless I’m truly desperate.  It helps that my boss got trapped in this elevator for over an hour one day.  Seriously.

I haven’t made it to the gym in months.  But I’m thinking about it.  And it turns out that thinking is pretty important because thinking can lead to doing, at least better than not thinking about it can.  For some reason this reminds me of a Yoda quote.  “Do or do not.  There is no try.”  Shut up, you stupid little green muppet.

I’m trying, which hopefully will lead to doing.  This is a slow process, a quest that takes me inch by inch.  But I’m not “doing not” which means eventually, with some work, I will do.  I hope you all will stay along for the journey.