Tag Archives: my house cost that much

TLC: Extreme Wedding Edition

Wash, rinse, repeat!

Wash, rinse, repeat!

I was going to have some more recaps for ya, but TLC had different ideas.  As I’ve noted before, TLC’s schedule is apparently created by someone with both OCD and ADHD.  So I again did not manage to catch new episodes of either of the two oh-so-awesome shows I’m covering.  This is partly because TLC is so in love with their new show “Secret Sex Lives” which is totally different from “Sex sent me to the ER” and “Strange Addictions” and “My Crazy Obsession” and “Strange Sex”.   Like, they moved the words around, duh!

This one.  If you move the letters around, you get "TLC"

If you move these letters around, you get “TLC”

So I figured, my brain is so far gone by now, why not?  I turned on “Secret Sex Lives”.  And who do I see first but my old pal Nathaniel from “Strange Addictions”!  Hey, TLC, that’s cheating!  Not only that, you’re not even branching out and trying to rip off other networks.  You’re ripping YOURSELF off now.  I’m on to you!

In case you don’t remember Nathaniel, he’s better known as “Car Sex Guy”.  It was pretty horrifying to see this guy the first time.  But TLC shows him again anyway, cause it’s a “sex life” that’s “secret” because it’s “disturbed”.  And they don’t even get new footage – not that I could have stood any more footage of Nat licking his steering wheel and whispering sweet nothings to the upholstery.  But still, come ON, TLC.  Have you really run out of morons so quickly that you have to repeat old morons on new shows?  Shame, TLC, shame.

I still have this look on my face.

I still have this look on my face.

So I figured, why don’t I branch out and look at whatever idiot thing TLC happens to be covering when I’m watching TV long after my lunch has fully digested.  And since we’re like 3 months from June, why not a wedding show?

Friday has a marathon of “Say Yes to the Dress”.  I discussed this show briefly while feverish and doped up during my bout with Pneumonia.  The show is no better when you’re well.  I was actually looking about for some more drugs, even though I’m not “technically” sick right now.

Then again, maybe I am.

Then again, maybe I am.

I really hate this show.  All the tension rests on what horribly overpriced dress some stupid girl is going to choose for her wedding.  Keep in mind that a wedding lasts a few hours at most.  You’re not even going to wear the dress the entire day.  And you’ll never wear it again, even when you marry moron number 2, because who wants to get married in the same dress you used with the first jerk?

Yet the dress shop owners act as if this is an “investment in their future.”  What?  Unless the bride-to-be is planning on becoming Miss Haversham and wearing the dress all day long while collecting dust and raising young girls to hate all men, then, no, this really isn’t an investment in her future, at least not a future past the next month or so.  It’s actually nauseating what these people will spend on a single outfit.  10,000 is usually considered their “bottom-line dress.”  Choose that garbage bag, and you’re sure to get a “no way girlfriend” shake of the head from one of those snobby twits at the shop.

Yeah, these twits.

Yeah, these guys.

And if they don’t turn their noses up at the girls, then be sure someone in the family will.  Why, I ask, would you bring that many family members to help you choose a dress?  How stupid is that?  They aren’t going to wear it.  I could see bringing your mother if you happen to like her, or a friend, but your entire extended family?  Even Grandma who thinks any dress with less than a turtleneck collar, long sleeves, and a skirt that covers the ankles is slut city?

Of course, I have a feeling many of these women are not paying for the dresses themselves, hence at least having the parents there to approve the choice.  Here’s the thing, though – if you can’t afford your own dress, are you ready to be out on your own?  Get a job, save some money, then get a dress for a couple hundred at most, and put the 10 grand (or more) that some misguided person gave you on a freaking HOUSE, mmkay?  That’s a good girl.

And here I thought it was about love and commitment and . . . pffft, silly me.

And here I thought it was about love and commitment and . . . pffft, silly me.

If “Say Yes to the Dress” followed the natural progression of things, it would take the same couple through a number of other shows.  First the happy couple who spent everything on a dress go to their new trailer house in “Welcome to Myrtle Manor”, then have “Strange Sex” followed immediately by “Sex Sent Me to the ER” which leads to “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” resulting in  “Quints by surprise!” leading to “Extreme Couponing” and devolving into “Cake Boss” and “My 600 lb life”.   But, alas, no, all we get is the stupid dress.  Whoop-te-shit.  This isn’t even the only wedding show on TLC.  You’ve also got “Friday Bride Day”, “My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding” (I see what you did there TLC), “Four Weddings” (God help me), “I found the gown” (Did you use coupons?), “Say Yes to the Dress Atlanta” (these are like CSI shows), and “Say Yes to the Dress Bridesmaids.”  That’s too many shows about brides.

By the end of an episode of “Say  Yes to the Dress”, I’m almost ready to watch Nathaniel and his car.  At least they aren’t spending a lavish amount of money on a wedding.  Please say they aren’t.

So there you go.  No light up boobs, not even a light up dress.  Sad.  But still, there’s a post!  Yay.