I can’t believe I missed it! Goldfish has a holiday celebrating unicorns, and it was yesterday, and I didn’t dress up with stilts or wear horns or make magical wishes! It’s a shame so few know of this holiday, because not enough people respect unicorns. Some people say they were left behind because they missed the ark while playing. Look, unicorns may be playful, but they aren’t stupid. They probably used their horns to toss off a couple of oogga boogitys (lost forever thanks the flood which is why we have never heard of them) and got right on board, their sparkly-ness guiding the way. Unless you don’t believe there was an ark, in which case unicorns evolved from horses and goats and glitter.
Unicorns are special because they fart rainbows. And they are all different colors, with long flowing hair, and they don’t seem to mind when you cut it, though don’t leave your fingers hanging over the bed at night, children. Also – sparkle. I created a Sparkle Pony a while ago, by slogging glitter onto an unsuspecting My Little Pony – one of the older ones before they took the Slimfast challenge. Then I had a contest and Evil Squirrel won her and she married Rainbow Donkey and they had adorable mutant spawn together. I’m not making that up. Don’t you just love a happy ending?
By the way, I still offer the “Yes I Am a Sparkle Pony” badge in my side bar should anyone, for some reason, want it. There doesn’t seem to be such a big deal about getting pressed by WordPress anymore (do they even do pressing?) so I think the next step is to just give each other unicorns and sparkle pony badges randomly. It works about the same as the Freshly Pressed system, anyway.
I’ve always loved unicorns because I love to live in a fantasy world of my own making, and would stay there if only work insisted I not use the “But I am a princess who must care for her sick unicorn” excuse. As a child, I used to have one of those Lisa Frank trapper keepers with neon unicorns and pegasuses (pegasi?) glowing with radioactive power. And I had My Little Pony, some of whom were not just ponies, but unicorns. And some were really confused because they were unicorns, ponies, AND pegasi. Talk about identity crisis. One must wonder about the mating process on that one too. That is, if one thought about that kind of stuff. Or about how unicorns poop.
Mmmm, ice cream! You know you’re old when you think “Hey maybe I should get one of those.”
Anyway, I’m still gonna help promote GF’s Unicorn Appreciation Day (when will the government give us a day off for this?) because someone has to think of the unicorns. There is enough cynicism and disbelief in this world!
Now I’ll make my three magical wishes (I hope they still work):
- I need more Coke to supplement my habit. That would be Coca-Cola, not crack cocaine. That’s only for really special occasions, like when the Pope comes over.
- I want to feel better, so that the doctor’s office is no longer that place where “Everybody knows my name”.
- A buttload of glitter. So I can put it in envelopes and send them off as campaign contributions to politicians I don’t like. Or just to people I don’t like period. They will never, ever get it all off. Thanks, unicorns!
Somehow I know there are more wishes that would be better, like wishing for more wishes (I wish Robin Williams was back so he could say ixnay on the wishing for more wishes). I also want everyone to feel better, except a few people who need to blow up. But mostly everyone.
Happy Unicorn Appreciation Day! Hug a unicorn today! And go to Goldfish’s redbubble shop and buy unicorn stickers! She even sold a onesie with Squirrel on it! I hope the lady who ordered it wants a manic child.
P.S. RIP to David Bowie, who truly understood the value of sparkle. I miss him.
I have just been invited to a bloghop. I think this might be the equivalent of being invited to a blog prom. I mean, I don’t (yet) know the other bloggers that well, but one of them said I was funny, and so naturally I agreed to this hop thing, even though I don’t really know what it is. Like I usually do.
You will see in my sidebar and right below the link to the lady who started this thing, Victoria of the blog Angst, who I think is maybe Satan’s girlfriend. (Being Satan’s girlfriend would be totally cool – I bet she’d get ALL the good stuff). Or maybe she just likes wearing devil horns. Anyway, here is the neat-o badge that she made. I chose the pink one, of course.
So if you click on the link you’ll see my funny blog listed! On October 31st, we are supposed to write a post and give something away. You may remember how last time I had a contest I gave away a glitter dunked pony, so I’m sure you are all salivating at the prospect of another of my prizes.
This year I’ve decided to give away autographed pictures of me, Alice, that the girls and I drew our very selves. Without glitter, though we could always add this if needed. Thing One has a great reproduction of Alice she drew just from looking at a picture. Thing Two drew me as an anime my little pony. And I drew myself – as Alice – with a 50 shades book in my pocket (what good is a book without any sense?) These pics will be on real paper that we’ll scan so it will actually look like something besides a flying turtle (unless you prefer the flying turtle). I’ll show them as soon as they are ready.
Did I mention I just spent several minutes doing nothing but unraveling a scarf?
Oh wait, I am supposed to mention a contest for these fab prizes. Lately my latest obsession seems to be buying Disney dolls for the sole purpose of torturing them with families and jobs and stuff. It’s a great mother-daughter bonding experience.
Anyway, I want YOU to write me a caption for this picture (created by the Things and me with my Disney crew). Pictured is Pocahontas talking to Merida from the movie Brave. If you don’t know who these ladies are (seriously, you don’t know who Pocahontas is?) then Google it. It might make it funnier. Or it might be funnier if you have no idea who they are. Either way, go for it.
I know you guys can come up with twisted, bizarre, er I mean totally Disney friendly captions for this picture. I’ll post the winning caption with the picture on my Halloweeny post.
This is also your chance to tell me what to write about in my Halloween post. Let me know in the comments below. And remember, you gotta put this picture and your caption on your blog and link to ME so that
I get hits so all in this hop thing may see your proud work. Good luck!
I was reading Merbear’s post about how her parents lied about Santa and ruined her entire worldview for life, as is a parent’s way. And she mentioned wanting pound puppies, and I was like, hey, I had those! I had lots of stupid, crappy toys. Some of them are no longer made. Some of them rose again, like zombies from the Island of Misfit Toys. Here were some of my favorites – see if you remember them too.
I had several of these little mutts. I remembered the little cardboard dog houses they came in, but I had forgotten they inspired an awful cartoon, and even worse, a full-length feature film. Thank you, Wikipedia. If you want to see something really scary, go check out their entry – somebody somewhere went to the trouble of listing every single dog character in the TV show. I’m scared.
Anyway, the REAL pound puppies had little hearts on their butts with the “PP” logo – that’s pound puppies, not pee pee, though it’s a dog, so I guess either would work. Ever notice they make baby dolls that go pee, but not toy dogs? I think they should make peeing toy dogs. That would certainly make kids think twice about asking for a puppy.
Wait – where was I? Oh, yes, there were also Pound Purries for those who wanted cats. But they had to have the logo, or they were generic pups, and no one wants a generic dog. Kids see right through that. I had some fake ones anyway. They probably got their butts kicked by the real ones.
Cabbage Patch Kids
I’ve written about this before, but I had dozens of these freakish things – eventually. At first it was almost impossible to find one. And every kid wanted one. Other kids checked you out as soon as you go to school. “Got a Kid? No, Flower Kids don’t count. We gotta see the signature – PULL OFF THE DIAPER!” Yes, every authentic CPK had a signature of the creator on his bum. This was important – all other dolls were clearly counterfeit.
When you think about it, they’re pretty ugly. But I loved mine. We even had a play with the Cabbage Patch Kids – every kid got to bring their doll with them. I remember there being an evil rabbit and a doll named “Sybil Sabie.” or something like that. These were messed up times, the 80s. But if you think that’s weird, I just found out that there is STILL a Babyland Hospital where you can see cabbages give birth (I am not making this up) and get your own original doll. WTF. Surprisingly, the revival of these creatures did not hit it big with anyone but the parents of today’s children.
My Little Pony
Ah, My Little Pony. These guys, er girls – I don’t think there were any boy ponies, which makes one wonder how there were ponies at all, but no matter – were awesome toys. They were relatively cheap, so you could have lots of them. Like any other popular toy, there were knock offs, but the real ones had marks on their butts with rainbows and stars and crap like that. Also their hair and bodies were all colors of the rainbow – like ponies who had been through some freakish technicolor wonderland.
At least they resembled ponies at that time. Now they’ve changed . . . a lot. They’re – I’m not sure how to say this since we’re talking about an animal here – sexier. Like there’s this “come hither” look on these things. Still, you can’t deny that unlike either pound puppies or Cabbage Patches, the ponies really have made a huge comeback. They have a new animated cartoon, very different from the original one in the 80s. The original had bad guys and stuff. In the new one, problems usually revolve around stupid stuff like whether Minty can get a new candy cane for the top of the freaking Christmas tree. Edge of my seat, here.
Barbie has been around since 1959. By the time I started getting Barbies, though, they had morphed from a Betty Davis style witch face to the familiar blank stare of today.
They also wore pink – a lot of it. And they drove pink cars, and lived in pink houses and condos, and had pink dogs. Some people felt sorry for Ken, having to put up with all that pink furniture, but I think he secretly kind of liked it. I mean, just look at the guy.
I had a lot of Barbies. And their stuff. I mean, Barbie had everything. She had cars, and houses, and furniture, and billions of tiny shoes you lost immediately in the carpet, and even a baby sister. Or at least they said it was her baby sister. Also, there was the middle sister, Skipper, who in the 1980s was flat chested, but grew tiny boobs in the 2000’s. Ironically, Barbie herself had breast reduction surgery, so if you have an old 1980s Barbie, you’ll find she can’t fit in the 2000 Barbie clothes. Sort of like how 2000’s me can’t fit into 1990s clothes, only it’s not the boobs.
Barbie is still just as popular as she was for the last few generations. She’s never going away. In fact, she’s even running for political office. Check it out.
She seems strangely familiar though. I mean, where have I seen someone like her before?
So there’s my list of toys of Christmas past. Are they better or worse than those of today? It’s a toss up. I mean, we have Furbies now, so I dunno. Let me know in the comments below!
Hey, Good News, Sparkleponies! I have decided to extend the deadline of the Sparklepony contest for a few reasons. 1) Peeps be busy. 2) I want to give everybody a chance. 3) I’ve only gotten in one entry so far. 4) Some of you have no idea wtf I am talking about but now you DO! It’s about this, folks.
You know you wants it. It is your preciousssssss. All you have to do, if you’ll remember, is write an obnoxious post acting like you are Sparky the won-der blog-ger! If you need ideas, just watch me. I’m obnoxious quite a lot. You knew that? Shut up.
Anyhoo, for all you speshul peeps out there, I am extending the deadline for the contest till September 30th. That’s right, more time to procrastinate – I mean, to get to work! You cannot let that jester djmatticus win so easily! Not when a poneh is on the line!
(this message brought to you by Alice, who might have snorted too much glue whilst glittering this plastic pony. Please humor her.)
Good news! Santa decided to settle out of court. Rudolf has been safely returned so that he can fulfill his duties dragging Santa’s butt all over the freaking planet. Lucky Rudolf. And lucky Alice, for she has started getting presents from years past! Today I got a My Little Pony from the 1980s. You know, back when the ponies at least sort of resembled real ponies, if said ponies were purple with flowers on their butts.
Santa wasn’t the only one giving gifts. Alice was also awarded a brand new award by thelesbiannextdoor. It is top notch stuff, you guyz. Check it out.
I am supposed to list 2 or 5 or 10 fascinating facts about myself. Prepare to be fascinated, folks. Unless I’ve told you this already. Then pretend.
1. Alice has multiple degrees. No really. She has a BA in English, an MA in English, and an MLS (which means the queen of libraries or something). Irritatingly enough, these degrees do not add up to one PHD. And so far, no one has called her Master. Irritating.
2. Somehow these degrees also didn’t get Alice a fabulous high-paying job. Even though she spent years making up crap about Moby Dick. Life is not fair.
Oh yeah, and I’m supposed to come up with my own award. I guess it is Christmas, so I should give you something. Close your eyes. Keep them closed. You’ll be much happier.
I told you to keep them closed. Okay, look, I’m hoping for Photoshop for Christmas, because my paint program sucks. You’ll have to accept the Christmas freaking spirit instead. Don’t spend it all in one place.
Finally, Alice announces that she is taking a Christmas vacation. She’s not going anywhere (of course), but she is taking a break from blogging. For realz this time. This is my Christmas present to myself (and probably to you as well). Happy Freaking Holidays, whichever ones you are
forced to endure lucky enough to celebrate!
Remember Jeff Foxworthy’s “You Might Be a Redneck . . .” bit? I do, because thanks to my husband, our family qualifies for quite a few of those. Anyway, I was thinking that the same thing could be applied to parents. Hence my blog post for today. If any of you have something to add, please do so in the comments!
You might be a parent if . . .
You have thousands of markers in your house, and every one is missing a lid.
You have the theme to Dora the Explorer on repeat in your head.
You aren’t sure who is on the Supreme Court, but can name every one of the seven dwarves.
In a sleep deprived daze you have lost your car keys, purse, phone, diaper bag, glasses, lunch, child, and your sanity.
You get so tired of reading the same children’s book that you start making up your own words to the story that might possibly involve stuffed animals going on a rampage.
If a genie asked if you wanted fame, wealth, or eternal life, you would choose sleep.
One time while dropping off your kindergartener, your two year old runs into the room with her, and you are in such a hurry to get to work you completely forget about the toddler until you are out of the school building and in your car and you see that hey, the car seat is empty and OMG I forgot my kid! This is purely theoretical.
One of your children hangs his sibling from a basketball goal.
Your child has eaten any of the following: dirt, super glue, marbles, paper, dog food, shoes, or that mysterious green goo in the baby food jar labeled Spinach. Bonus points if your child has done all of these.
You’ve played hide and go seek with a child and repeatedly forgotten to seek.
If you’ve called Poison Control at least once.
Teachers and principals at school know your name well, and it’s not for a good reason.
Nothing grosses you out anymore.
You wake up to someone screaming “Mr. Flibble, No!!!!!” and don’t think this is odd.
When you need to sign something, the only thing you can find to write with is a broken green crayon.
You freely talk about the bowel habits of your child at the dinner table.
You get to work and two hours later discover your shirt has baby boogers on it.
You make your dinner off the leftovers on two small plates.
You have experienced projectile vomiting, projectile pooping, and projectiles aimed at your head.
You allow your kid to pull every book from the book shelf because hey, he’s occupied.
You could swear your child didn’t have that many stuffed animals the night before.
Any one of the following is on your floor right now: naked Barbies, glitter glue, homework due last week, a My Little Pony with its mane cut off, a diaper in any state, a baby sock (and your child is ten), a sippy cup with week old apple juice making it smell like you give your toddler Bud Light, a Barney VHS tape, a library book with your child’s autograph in crayon, a pile of laundry that’s been there a month, Legos, one of your diamond stud earrings, a hamster, the contents of your purse, a half eaten Uncrustable, cherries from that Hi Ho Cherry-O game, your car keys, dried out markers, dirt, super glue with a bite mark in the middle of it, a trail of dog food, a shoe, or any UFOs (Unidentified Funky Objects).
And finally . . .
You might be a parent if a child’s face lights up when you enter the room, and you think maybe Santa is behind you, but no, it’s just you.