TLC: Extreme Wedding Edition
Wash, rinse, repeat!
I was going to have some more recaps for ya, but TLC had different ideas. As I’ve noted before, TLC’s schedule is apparently created by someone with both OCD and ADHD. So I again did not manage to catch new episodes of either of the two oh-so-awesome shows I’m covering. This is partly because TLC is so in love with their new show “Secret Sex Lives” which is totally different from “Sex sent me to the ER” and “Strange Addictions” and “My Crazy Obsession” and “Strange Sex”. Like, they moved the words around, duh!
If you move these letters around, you get “TLC”
So I figured, my brain is so far gone by now, why not? I turned on “Secret Sex Lives”. And who do I see first but my old pal Nathaniel from “Strange Addictions”! Hey, TLC, that’s cheating! Not only that, you’re not even branching out and trying to rip off other networks. You’re ripping YOURSELF off now. I’m on to you!
In case you don’t remember Nathaniel, he’s better known as “Car Sex Guy”. It was pretty horrifying to see this guy the first time. But TLC shows him again anyway, cause it’s a “sex life” that’s “secret” because it’s “disturbed”. And they don’t even get new footage – not that I could have stood any more footage of Nat licking his steering wheel and whispering sweet nothings to the upholstery. But still, come ON, TLC. Have you really run out of morons so quickly that you have to repeat old morons on new shows? Shame, TLC, shame.
I still have this look on my face.
So I figured, why don’t I branch out and look at whatever idiot thing TLC happens to be covering when I’m watching TV long after my lunch has fully digested. And since we’re like 3 months from June, why not a wedding show?
Friday has a marathon of “Say Yes to the Dress”. I discussed this show briefly while feverish and doped up during my bout with Pneumonia. The show is no better when you’re well. I was actually looking about for some more drugs, even though I’m not “technically” sick right now.
Then again, maybe I am.
I really hate this show. All the tension rests on what horribly overpriced dress some stupid girl is going to choose for her wedding. Keep in mind that a wedding lasts a few hours at most. You’re not even going to wear the dress the entire day. And you’ll never wear it again, even when you marry moron number 2, because who wants to get married in the same dress you used with the first jerk?
Yet the dress shop owners act as if this is an “investment in their future.” What? Unless the bride-to-be is planning on becoming Miss Haversham and wearing the dress all day long while collecting dust and raising young girls to hate all men, then, no, this really isn’t an investment in her future, at least not a future past the next month or so. It’s actually nauseating what these people will spend on a single outfit. 10,000 is usually considered their “bottom-line dress.” Choose that garbage bag, and you’re sure to get a “no way girlfriend” shake of the head from one of those snobby twits at the shop.
Yeah, these guys.
And if they don’t turn their noses up at the girls, then be sure someone in the family will. Why, I ask, would you bring that many family members to help you choose a dress? How stupid is that? They aren’t going to wear it. I could see bringing your mother if you happen to like her, or a friend, but your entire extended family? Even Grandma who thinks any dress with less than a turtleneck collar, long sleeves, and a skirt that covers the ankles is slut city?
Of course, I have a feeling many of these women are not paying for the dresses themselves, hence at least having the parents there to approve the choice. Here’s the thing, though – if you can’t afford your own dress, are you ready to be out on your own? Get a job, save some money, then get a dress for a couple hundred at most, and put the 10 grand (or more) that some misguided person gave you on a freaking HOUSE, mmkay? That’s a good girl.
And here I thought it was about love and commitment and . . . pffft, silly me.
If “Say Yes to the Dress” followed the natural progression of things, it would take the same couple through a number of other shows. First the happy couple who spent everything on a dress go to their new trailer house in “Welcome to Myrtle Manor”, then have “Strange Sex” followed immediately by “Sex Sent Me to the ER” which leads to “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” resulting in “Quints by surprise!” leading to “Extreme Couponing” and devolving into “Cake Boss” and “My 600 lb life”. But, alas, no, all we get is the stupid dress. Whoop-te-shit. This isn’t even the only wedding show on TLC. You’ve also got “Friday Bride Day”, “My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding” (I see what you did there TLC), “Four Weddings” (God help me), “I found the gown” (Did you use coupons?), “Say Yes to the Dress Atlanta” (these are like CSI shows), and “Say Yes to the Dress Bridesmaids.” That’s too many shows about brides.
By the end of an episode of “Say Yes to the Dress”, I’m almost ready to watch Nathaniel and his car. At least they aren’t spending a lavish amount of money on a wedding. Please say they aren’t.
So there you go. No light up boobs, not even a light up dress. Sad. But still, there’s a post! Yay.
Strange Addictions: E.T. Phone . . . Boobs?
The station that dares to stoop lower than Jerry Springer!
Yeah, we’re back with another dose of strange addictions. Thank goodness they give us the warning at the beginning not to try this at home. I was so close to nomming on my fruit shaped eraser. It’s so realistic and smells good too!
Boobies Edition!
This episode involves no eating of nonedible products, so yay! It does, however, involve a lady so goofed up they devoted the entire episode just to her. Or it might have been because TLC really liked seeing those ginormous boobs.
How big were they, Alice? Dolly Parton looks like a Double Minus A cup compared to this woman. Heck, the bride of Godzilla would probably have smaller mammary glands, and they’d be much more functional too. If you’ve ever played a video game, or read comics, you know how insane they can get with drawing the boobs. These chicks have boobs bigger than their heads. It’s crazy. This lady leaves them behind. Way behind. When I first saw this woman, my jaw dropped, and as you know, I’ve seen a lot of weird crap just working in a library.
But nothing quite like this . . .
Not only does she have a rack that can actually serve drinks (she demonstrates), she also has an enormous silicon-filled caboose. It’s – just – I think even Sir Mix-A-Lot would be saying “Daaaaahmmmn, guuuurl!” The thing is a bench. You could probably sit on her comfortably, except then she’d fall over on her boobs and not be able to get up. Really – she has to have help getting up if she lays on her back. I can imagine all sorts of reasons this lady might be heading to the ER. Suffocation is just one of them.
She has so much silicon in her boobs, that they weigh something like 20 pounds. And they do party tricks. If she puts a flashlight under her boobs, they light up from all the fluid. They could make a science fiction movie based on this lady, and I can pretty much guarantee you’d get the usual demographic (18-25 year old males) filling the seats.
Lookie, her boobs double as jack-o-lanterns!
Her college aged son tries to persuade her to maybe drain the boobs a bit, but she surprises him with her decision to make them twice as big! Poor kid. It had to be fun having this lady as class mom. Oops, got my boobs in the frosting! Anyway, he expresses concern for her welfare, and says he wonders which she cares about more – her big boobs or her kids? She skirts around it, but answer? Boobs.
Her youngest child, a girl around nine, is the best part of the entire program. They interview her, asking what she thinks about her mother’s boobs. She says, “I like that they pay the rent, but they’re really weird.” I love this kid. Apparently, mom does modeling for people who like women with impossible proportions – I’m guessing car magazines. But there’s the kid, saying it up front – maybe you make some money, but you’re a freak. If your nine-year-old can figure this out, you might want to think it over, lady.
One melon plus one melon equals – I wonder if I can get them this size?
But thinking does not seem her strong suit. Perhaps she has had some silicon injected into her brain along with her boobs, butt, oh and I forgot, her lips which look like someone smashed them in a meat processor and they swelled up into little sausages. But clearly, this is not enough for her. She needs more.
She visits the plastic surgeon, but even he just shakes his head, refusing to work on her because it will freaking kill her. All that silicon is not very healthy, nor is going through that many surgeries. Also he might be the only plastic surgeon to have actual qualms about working on someone who’s batshit crazy. Besides the dangers of silicon and surgery, I’m not sure how she’d walk without toppling over, even with the substantial butt in back. I don’t know how she does it now. She can’t even find clothes to fit her warped body. I mean, damn, even Barbie can find clothes. Lots of them.
I just . . . couldn’t think up a caption for this one. Give it your best shot.
But she’s no Barbie, even if she does have enough plastic to be one. At the end of the show, TLC reports that she has found a surgeon willing to do the operation in the next few months. Wait for a news story about a woman’s boobs spontaneously combusting into flames. I be it will be our girl!
What about you guys? Have you ever considered plastic surgery? What would you want to change?
Strange Addictions: Talkin’ bout car love
This time on Strange Addictions . . . okay, I heard about this episode. It’s about as infamous as the tampon scene in 50 Shades of Grey. But – the actual watching of it – ZOMG – the horror. The horror.
Run. Run now. While you can!
Where was I? Oh, right, this episode we have a lady who snorts baby powder, and a guy who is in love with his car. Okay. Buck up, Alice.
First up we have Jaye, a 28-year-old from Houston, Texas who likes to snort baby powder up her nose. It’s like Cocaine, only with Cocaine I’m guessing you actually get some sort of high. I have no idea what you get when you snort baby powder.
You get weird, peeps.
Well, besides looking like you’ve had your face in a bunch of powdered donuts. Come to think of it, she might get along with that family I talked about last time who put the baby powder on their donuts. I wonder if one could snort an entire baby powder covered donut up her nose? You might be wondering why someone would decide one day to just snort baby powder.
Because it just looked so yummy?
Well, apparently she liked the smell, so she’d hold it close to her face. And then she’d touch it to her nose. And then, oh heck with it, let’s just suck that stuff right up there! On the plus side, her nose smells like Love’s Baby Soft. On the negative, she’s been inhaling white powder into her lungs. For SIXTEEN YEARS. She goes to the doctor, who, shock, says this is not a good idea. I bet he wouldn’t like baby powder on donuts, either. I forget whether she stopped snorting the baby powder. Maybe because I was soooo horrified by the next segment.
Just to lighten the mood a little, I’m going to put up a picture of a cute kitten. Remember the kitten, peeps.
I know, kitty, I know.
Ooookay, so next we have Nathaniel. Nat’s 27-years-old and he has a car. Named Chase. And they’re kind of going steady. He and the car. For five years. And . . . and . . . he has sex with the car. Yup. He does.
Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur . . .
What fascinates me is that Chase the car is a boy. So does that mean Nathaniel is gay, or just car gay? What exactly was it that made Chase a male rather than a female? Is my car a male or a female? I don’t know. I haven’t done that much checking under the hood. I was a little confused.
My reaction to the idea of car sex.
Anyway, I couldn’t figure out how they could possibly have an intimate relationship. Until TLC showed him french-kissing the car. And – fondling the steering wheel. I just . . . why . . I don’t . . nope, nope, nope.
my reaction to car sex demonstrated
Ah, but there’s hope, cause he’s going to “come out” to Dad. Poor, poor Dad.
Dad laughs nervously, clears his throat, and says “It’s okay, son, I accept you.” I think this is because there’s a camera rolling. Otherwise I’m pretty sure there would HAVE to be cursing. No one’s this understanding. This is why I hate the argument that if you let people marry the same sex, suddenly they’ll start marrying cars and goats and whatever. Not the same thing, people. NOT EVEN CLOSE.
But Dad, we’re in love!
Just how does this even happen? You’re just walking through the car lot one day and “OMG she’s the one!” Do you start off dating scooters and work your way up to cars or do you just go for the big times right away? So many questions I so don’t want answered.
I don’t think I can ever get a car like Chase without wondering what the last owner did to it. Nope, nope, nope.
So, peeps, anyone ever been tempted to nom on some baby powder? Have you ever seen your car as more than a friend? Please don’t tell me.
This Post For Rent
For some time now, Monday has been my day to write reviews of the Books That Shall Not Be Named. While that series was excruciating, I never really had to think. I just read stupid crap and vomited on the page pretty much. But now I’m supposed to think of stuff. Or stuph, if you read twindaddy, and you should because that guy can think up posts like crazy. Also he’s a storm trooper, and they’re cool.
I’ve got Wednesday covered. Hump day is all about – get your mind out of the gutter – it’s all about exercise. Of various forms. Snort. Yoga is my current obsession and you’ll see more of that when we get to the hump. Day. The hump day. Crap.
I’ve had thoughts. Since Speaker 7 has the dating shows covered (read her reviews of the Bachelor, Bachelor Pad, Splash, Pad of Bachelors Splash, Stupid Barbies in Tiny Boxes, etc.) I thought I’d try to conquer reviewing shows on TLC. This station is chock full of total crap that just begs to be made fun of, or beaten with a bat. One of my favorite shows lately is My Strange Addiction. If you haven’t seen this show before, you really must check it out. There are people with some fabulous new diets out there. They eat toilet paper, deodorant, dryer sheets, tire pieces, cat hair (I’m not kidding about any of these) and much, much more!
Hmm, does this deodorant have antioxidants?
But TLC was not satisfied with merely showing strange addictions. They decided make a totally new and original show called My Secret Obsession, which is about people collecting stupid things like Barbies and pigs. I haven’t seen them eat the stuff yet, but it’s still early in the show. Besides these interesting habits, they talk about women who produce babies like gumball machines, women who didn’t realize they contained gumballs, women popping one or more gumballs out in detail, and women who spend more time shopping for wedding dresses than most people spend on house shopping. Truly, this is the Learning Channel.
TLC isn’t the only station I’m fascinated with, for there is also Lifetime. They bill Lifetime as the network for women, probably because most of the shows are about women killing men, or men beating the crap out of women, and you know we gals just eat that kind of shit up! Often these shows are based on true stories of stupidity, crime, abuse, and general insanity. True = Educational.
I feel so empowered.
And I’m sure there are more terrible books out there. Sure I could read actual good books, and I do from time to time, but where’s the fun in that? I’m waiting for the next E.L. James now. While I wait, I could come up with a parody. I’ve had one simmering in my mind a while. No real details yet, but I do have the main characters. Richard (Dick) Peen and Bambi Vagina. I’m thinking of setting it in China, since I know almost nothing about this country. What do you think?
Yes, I know I’m crazy, but that’s what I’ve got so far. So . . . what do you think? Let me know in the comments or shoot me an email (my addy is on my All About Alice Page). I’m off to have a deodorant snack.
aliceatwonderland 