Welcome to the last, last, LAST part of Twilight: New Moon. This one took some very strong stomachs, you guys. We kept putting it off, but still the DVD lurked, staring at us like creeper Eddie. The Things were in fine form, even making up songs about how much they hate Bella. It was touching. Anyway, we finally finished it, then danced the happy dance of happiness. Enjoy.
Jacob throws rock at Bella’s window. Bella looks down.
T1: For goodness sakes, put on a shirt!
Bella touches his naked abs.
T2: You’re so . . . abby.
Jacob: I have a secret I can’t tell.
T1: Like, you’re a werewolf.
Me: She’s not bright enough to figure it out.
(Bella has a dream with a wolf. Hmmmm.)
(Bella demands to see Jacob and pushes past wheelchair guy. Good one! Other shirtless guys show up.)
T1: It’s the shirtless crew!
(Bella smacks one. It turns into freaking huge lame wolf. Bella’s like, uh, I think this might be a clue?)
T1: I think this might be the most action we get from this movie.
(Bella goes to see pals of Jacob. Emily, fiancé of some random werewolf, has a scar on her face.)
T1: Let me guess, her boyfriend did it. Okay, introductions. This is Fluffy, this is Fuzzy . . .
(Bella goes for a walk with Jacob.)
T1: This pizza is way better than this movie.
Bella: Can’t you stop being a werewolf?
Jacob: It’s not a lifestyle choice. I was born this way.
Me: I see what you did there, movie!
T2: Darth Vader is way cooler than these guys. He could chop off their heads.
(Bella tries to look sad, but just looks bored.)
T1: This music isn’t making it any better.
T2: Sounds like Wii music.
(Redheaded vampire Victoria shows up. About TIME. Bella decides to go out into the forest. Good one, Bella.)
All of us: Go, Victoria!
(Victoria runs around everywhere in slow motion.)
Me: She’s not a very good vampire.
(Bella stands on the cliff. Edward hallucination shows up and says don’t.)
Girls: Jump, jump, jump!!!
(Bella jumps off the cliff. I guess that saying is true.)
(She falls back under. She starts drowning.)
(Edward hallucination shows up.)
All of us: Eeeeeek!
(Jacob rescues Bella.)
Me: Thanks a lot, Jacob.
Jacob: What were you thinking?
T1: Bella- Duh, I’m stupid.
T2: You’re the stupidest someone I know.
(Bella snuggles with Jacob. I’m gonna snuggle with you even though I think you’re just a friend cause I’m a jerk!)
Bella: You’re so warm.
T2: Hot blooded, check it and seeee!
T1: He reminds me of our cousin. Except he’s not werewolfy, and lame.
(Girls launch into song to the theme of “Wendy”.)
T2: Coming down the street, with that pathetic face, every-one knows it’s Bel-la!
T1: And all she cares about is werewollllves and vampires!
T2: And she’s pa-the-tic, everyone knows it’s Bel-la!
(Jacob starts to kiss Bella. T2 puts her hand on the screen to block it.)
T1: You’re cheating on Edward. Then again, who wouldn’t?
(Bella sees the Cullen’s car. Oooh, they’re back!)
T1: It’s a trap!
T2: She’s too pathetic to know it.
(Alice is there. Oh, hey, it’s Alice.)
Alice: You’re alive? Why would you try to kill yourself?
Bella: Oh, no I was cliff diving. (Yeah, like I was just funnin’)
T2: Lie, lie, lie. Pathetic.
T2: Why don’t we turn this off and watch Star Wars?
T1: We must watch this, T2, for our fans.
T2: Only for the fans.
Alice: I had a vision – hey what is that wet dog smell?
Bella: It’s Jacob. He’s kind of a werewolf.
Alice: Werewolves are not good company to keep.
Me: Yeah, right, you can talk.
(Jacob shows up and is all romantic.)
T1: Awww, BARF.
Alice: Let the dog out.
(T2 starts squeaking a baby doll.)
T1: Stop that. We’re trying to review a crappy movie.
T2: I’m baby cooookie!
T1: Stop ittt! Wait, what’s going on?
(Phone rings, interrupts Jacob and Bella’s kiss. Jacob answers.)
“He’s not here right now, he’s planning a funeral.”
(Somewhere else, Edward hangs up.)
T1: Oh, that’s real niiiice.
Alice: He thinks you’ve done it! He’s going to the Volturi. He wants to kill himself too.
T1: Oh, good grief.
(T2 sets up a picnic in front of the T.V.)
T1: Here they go trying to save Edward from killing himself because he thinks she did. Stupid. Hey, it’s the circle of life, man.
(Edward shows up in front of Volturi – girly guy vampires.)
Volturi guy: “You have too many gifts to destroy you.”
T1: What gifts?
(Alice and Bella are driving wildly)
Alice: Oh, now he’s going to show himself.
T1: And sparkle.
Me: Alice keeps having these visions. Why didn’t she earlier?
T1: The werewolves were blocking Alice’s view.
(Gobs of people in Italy. So they, like, drove to Italy? There are tons of red cloaks around. Bella runs to stop the sparkle.)
T1: Is this red day?
T2: It’s fifty shades of red!
(Edward starts to take off his shirt in front of the red cloaks. His puny chest is coated in white powder stuff.)
T1: That’s disgusting. He looks sick.
T2: Pathetically sick
T1: Prepare for the sparkles!
(Bella stops him just in time. Darn. Bella and Edward have romantic scene.)
T2: Another Bella panting scene.
(The Volturi guys show up.)
T1: They’re gonna kill him anyway? Cool.
T1: Of course the leader of the vampires is a little girl.
(Edward is wearing a red robe – it looks like a girl’s robe.)
T2: Better not be a Jedi robe.
(They get in an elevator with the creepy Volturi. We are seeing every second of this.)
T1: Awkward elevator scene.
(They reach a huge hall.)
T1: Is this the execution hall?
T2: Yes, yes, yes!
(It really does look like Edward’s wearing a dress. This is not helping with the white paint look.)
(Volturi guy can’t read Bella’s mind.)
Me: Your powers are fine, she just doesn’t have thoughts.
(Girl vampire makes Edward get all constipated and fall over. But Bella is a speshul snowflake and is immune to all their powers.)
T2: She’s a Sith!
Volturi: She knows too much.
Both girls: Kill her, kill her, kill her!
(Big slow-mo vampire fight.)
T2: If you look closely in the background, it says stupid.
Bella: Kill me, not him!
T1: Either one will do.
T2: Kill them both. I’m tired.
Me: End movie, endddd.
(Alice promises to turn Bella. She has a vision of Edward and Bella frolicking. You know, like vampires.)
T1: Like, won’t her Dad notice her not aging?
(They get back home.)
Edward: I wanted to give you a chance at a normal, healthy life.
T1: And then you ruined it.
Edward: I hope you can forgive me because I can’t live without you.
Me: Yeah, not manipulative and creepy at all.
All of us: Ennnnnddddd!
(Now they are at the Cullen’s house.)
T1: All the Cullens are back. Yayy.
(Bella has them vote to change her to a vampire. Lots more blah blah blah. She drives off with Edward. Jacob blocks them in the road.)
T1: Don’t get werewolf on the tires.
(Bella all wants to be a vampire, and Jacob and Edward fight over Bella.)
Me: Bella- I want my Edward and Jacob too.
Bella: But it’s always been him, Jacob.
Me: Even though he left me and I like nearly killed myself.
T1: I’m too tired to recap anymore. We will NEVER finish this.
Edward: I have one condition for turning you into a vampire. Marry me, Bella.
(And the movie ends right there!!!! Cheers of joy from all around!)
T1: Sings along w/ the music from the credits: This movie suuuuucks, it has Edward – and a werewolfffff, stuuuuupidddd
T2: And pathetiiiiic!
End Part Three. New Moon was the last movie, right? Right????
We’re back with part two of this stupid movie. My fellow reviewers, Thing One and Thing Two, have returned with promises of blog fame. Last time we ended with Bella being dumped by Eddiekins in the middle of the forest. Cue sad trombone. Wah, wahhhhhh.
Me: Where were we?
T2: Jacob’s abs.
Me: Yeah, that narrows it down.
(We fast forward back to forest scene. Naked abs carry Bella out of woods – some other shirtless guy, not Jacob.)
(We see months pass by w/ Bella sitting there, room spinning around. October . . . November . . . December)
T1: Let’s see what Bella has accomplished. Okay then. Shouldn’t she be dead by now?
(Bella is screaming bloody murder in bed.)
All of us: What the???
T1: Big panic attack because Edward is gone?
T2: Stupid and pathetic.
(Poor Dad. He tries to talk to Bella.)
T1: Obviously stuttering runs in the family.
(Bella goes to movies with “friend” and ignores her completely.)
T1: Going on in Bella’s mind now. Nothing.
(They are walking down street, Bella remembers Edward saving her. Suddenly Edward’s disembodied head appears warning her to run.)
All of us: Arghhhh!!!! What is THAT?
Me: Bella’s like there are creepy guys on motorcycles there. I think I’ll approach them.
(Edward head appears: He says turn around. Bella walks closer. Edward speaks again. Bella gets on motorcycle.)
T1: Stupid! If I were her dad I’d ground her for twenty years.
(Suddenly she’s back with her friend. Wait, what, which parts did she hallucinate?)
Friend: You’re insane. Or suicidal.
Us: Yes, yes, yes.
Friend: Or it’s a lame TV show.
T1: YES, that’s it.
Bella: If a rush of danger is what it takes to see him again, that’s what I’ll do.
(Bella takes junk motorcycles to Jacob to fix. Jacob picks up bike.)
Bella: Jacob you’re like buff.
T1: She just noticed this?
(Jacob’s friends come over. One says “Oh, your girlfriend?”
(Awkkkward! Haha. We pause so I can write. Thing Two starts pointing out a zit on Jacob’s forehead.)
T2: Look at his eyebrows. Like Squirrel’s tail.
(Bella says she feels better with Jake. Like, who wants to feel better?)
(Bella screaming in bed again. Dad comes in and rambles. Thing Two is playing with the flashlight. We break for a fight over the flashlight. We are seriously bored.)
T1: Come on, we need to finish this.
T1: Ugh, gonna have to lay down through this. Let’s go.
(Movie is still paused. Thing Two points out weird things on Jacob, but calls him Edward. I correct her.)
Me: That’s Jacob.
T1: Same difference.
(Bella sees cliff diving. Rush. Oh, ohhh.)
Me: Jump Bella, jump!
T2: This is Jacob (shows me picture of an Ewok)
(Jacob talks about buff guys bullying him. Bored.)
(Jacob points out what each part of the bike is. Bella drifts off. Yeah, she’s never gonna remember this.)
(Edward’s head appears again. ARghhhhhhhhh. Bella takes off on motorcycle. Has multiple hallucinations. She flies off bike.)
T1: That was not a good idea.
(She has a cut on forehead. Hereee we go. Jacob removes entire shirt to dab on cut. Yeahhh, subtle Jake.)
(At cafeteria. Pathetic guy asks out Bella. She says yes. Bella wants to see Face Punch.)
Me: I would rather see Face Punch than this.
(Other friends don’t show so it’s Bella and Jacob and other guy. Dumb lines and banging noises come from movie)
Me: I would still rather see this.
(Pathetic guy runs off to bathroom. Jacob holds Bella’s hand. He tries to pick up Bella, but of course she’s still hard up on stupid creeper Edward.)
Bella: So like I’m selfish and want you around even though I don’t want you.
T1: Ohhh, this is stupid.
(Thing Two sticks head in couch.)
T2: Nooo. Edward, Jacob.
T1: I think Edward left her cause she depressed even him.
(Suddenly Jacob is all pissed and wants to hit pathetic guy.)
Jacob: I feel weird.
Me: Hulk, smash.
T1: Guess what? Full Moon. Whatever.
(Jacob won’t respond to Bella for a while. We finally see Jacob again.)
T1: Ohh, he got a haircut.
Jacob: Bella, go away.
T1: You’re ruining my life.
(Jacob yammers about vampires.)
Bella: It’s killing me that I hurt you.
T1: Ugh, really.
Bella: You can’t break up with me.
T1: You weren’t dating.
Bella: Without Jacob, I can’t stand it.
Me: Totally codependent.
(Bella sees meadow. The pretty flowers have disappeared.)
Me: What? The lack of sparkles killed it?
(T1 shows me a picture titled the emotions of Bella. They are all the same.)
Black vampire shows up.
Me: Dee black Jamaaaaican vampireee.
(Edward head appears. He says: “Lie” “Lie better.”
(Jamaican vampire yammers about how girl vampire wants to kill Bella because Edward killed her mate. Blah blah. I only really know this because I was dumb enough to read the books.)
Jamaican vampire: How much could you mean to him if he left you unprotected? I am doing you a kindness.
T1: By ending your stupid life.
(Enormous wolf shows up. Oh, jeez that’s lame. One stops by her and gives her the eye.
Bella runs back home.)
Bella: They aren’t bears, they’re like huge wolves.
Dad: You’re like officially crazy, Bella.
End Part Two. One more to go. Help us all!
We’re back with Twilight II: New Moon. Fun times. I have my fellow reviewers with me. In case you’re just joining us, my fellow reviewers are my children: Thing One (12 yrs old) and Thing Two (8 yrs old). They are multi-tasking – painting nails while making sarcastic comments. I love them.
(Scene selection screen – we see silly dramatic pics of Eddy’s family, then the hottie werewolves, then the Volturi vampires (the big boss guys) in Rome. I inform the girls that they are the ones Edward going to sparkle in front of to sacrifice himself.)
T1: That’s so dumb. No wonder they want to kill him.
T1: All the other werewolves look just like Jacob
T1: It has to be PG 13 because it’s too boring for younger kids to watch.
T2: Summit, why did you turn to the dark side of movie making?
(Bella does her intro.)
T1: Dramatic line, dramatic line. You know there’s a lot of lessons you could learn from this.
Me: Like what?
T1: Don’t date a vampire
(Bella is in the meadow in a dream – she sees an old woman)
T2: Grandma don’t eat the flowers.
(Bella IS the old woman, OMG. Wakes up, Dad comes in.)
Dad: How’d you get so old so fast?
Me: Hahaha, you old fart 18 year old.
(Bella goes to school)
All the kids are flirting with Bella of course)
T1: Why do they like her?
(Edward comes walking over, shirt flapping)
T1: Handsome vampire boyfrieeend woooo . . .
(Edward kisses her)
T1: He still doesn’t know how to kiss. Hey, no PDA people
(Jacob shows up. Wolf poop’s gonna hit the fan. He still looks like Pert Plus, but with muscles)
(T2 runs from the room, comes back with a Ken doll stuck upright in a pencil cup full of peppermints.)
T2: See my Jacob statue?
(Jacob gives her a dreamcatcher – we pause it for a minute – it’s like he’s dangling it in front of her. Perfect. She likes bright shiny objects. You HAVE her Jacob)
(They go into the school. Alice gives Bella a gift. Bella is all annoyed)
Alice: Oooh, I saw you open it, and you love it! Squeal!
Me: I hate her.
(In class –they’re watching Romeo and Juliet – only the Mike guy is realistic, nearly falling asleep)
T1: yeah, how many times has Edward watched this?
(Flashback to Bella getting bitten)
T1: Happy memories.
(They go to Edward’s house. He talks about the Volturi (some femmy vampire council or something). Volturi vampire tears off a vampire’s head – POP!)
T1: Actual vampire deaths?
(Eddie and Bella get romantic again)
T2: Oh, nooooo. You are NOT a vampire
(Birthday Scene – ooooh boy!)
(Rosalie gives her a gift – her expression says: Here’s my gift, I hate you)
T1: Why take pictures when they can’t show up in them?
Me: You’re still thinking of real vampires.
(Bella cuts her finger on the wrapping paper– blood – papercut sends Jasper into a frenzy. He runs for Bella. Edward protects Bella by flinging her into a glass table that cuts her up for real.)
T2: Now THIS is what I’m talking about! Action!
(They take away Jasper. Damn.)
(Carlisle sews up Bella.)
T2: Stop talking, and get to the action. BOO.
Me: You’re gonna be disappointed, sweetie.
(Eddie drives her home. Once again Bella is wounded after a night out with Eddie)
Bella: Change me. You’re not gonna want me when I look like a grandma.
Me: Yeah, she’s not shallow. Pfft
Edward: Do you not understand my feelings for you?
Me: I don’t.
Bella: It’s my birthday. I ask one thing. Kiss me.
T1: He doesn’t know how to kiss.
Me: Oh, the angst, the angst!
(Bella goes to school, no Edward. Eddie goes in her room.)
T1: Romaaaaanticccc montaaaage
Edward: Let’s take a walk in the forest. We have to leave Forks.
Me: Blah blah blah
T2: Mommy, hey, look at T1’s nails! (way more interesting than the movie)
T2: Stare, stare, stare.
Edward: This is the last time you’ll ever see me.
T1: Yeah, right, there are 3 more movies
T2 hits pause: Okay, we’re done with part one!
T1: Hey, this is gonna take us four parts, aw.
T2: I want to do fun stuff. That’s NOT watching Edward and Bella. They’re about to kiss anyway.
(We convince her to at least finish the forest scene. Edward leaves Bella in forest. Dramatic music, Bella runs around and gets lost. It’s dark.)
T2: Come on, Jacob!
(Bella falls, stays on the ground, curls in fetal position, dramatic camera swirl.)
T2: Stop sucking your thumb.
End Part One
Stay tuned tomorrow for our next snarky installment of Twilight II: New Moon. Provided the Things come out of their rooms again.
Hullo, all. I thought I’d update you on what is coming up (besides possibly my lunch) in the week ahead. Tomorrow we have our eleventh lesson in 50 Shades Flunked. It’s a doozie. Don’t miss it. I know some of you have skipped class lately, and risk being dropped from Smut University. Sad Pony cries for you. Especially if you still don’t realize you’re enrolled.
Also, I’m proud to announce that the Things and I have finally finished Twilight II: New Moon. It took us a while. I think we rented it three separate times. The Things became interested in chores and early bedtimes. But we persevered, readers, and I do believe this is the best one yet, thanks to the nutty brilliance of The Things. It will be another three-parter, starting on Thursday.
But what else will you do with this blog, you might wonder. Or, what WON’T you do with this blog at this point? That’s up to you! If you have suggestions of something you’d like me to write about, just let me know. I’m happy to review crappy books and movies, because I have something wrong with me. Actually I can write about almost anything, whether I know what I’m talking about or not, because I don’t have to bother with pesky research. Anyhoo, just drop me a line down the rabbit hole in the comments or an email. See ya soon.