Welcome to the last, last, LAST part of Twilight: New Moon. This one took some very strong stomachs, you guys. We kept putting it off, but still the DVD lurked, staring at us like creeper Eddie. The Things were in fine form, even making up songs about how much they hate Bella. It was touching. Anyway, we finally finished it, then danced the happy dance of happiness. Enjoy.
Jacob throws rock at Bella’s window. Bella looks down.
T1: For goodness sakes, put on a shirt!
Bella touches his naked abs.
T2: You’re so . . . abby.
Jacob: I have a secret I can’t tell.
T1: Like, you’re a werewolf.
Me: She’s not bright enough to figure it out.
(Bella has a dream with a wolf. Hmmmm.)
(Bella demands to see Jacob and pushes past wheelchair guy. Good one! Other shirtless guys show up.)
T1: It’s the shirtless crew!
(Bella smacks one. It turns into freaking huge lame wolf. Bella’s like, uh, I think this might be a clue?)
T1: I think this might be the most action we get from this movie.
(Bella goes to see pals of Jacob. Emily, fiancé of some random werewolf, has a scar on her face.)
T1: Let me guess, her boyfriend did it. Okay, introductions. This is Fluffy, this is Fuzzy . . .
(Bella goes for a walk with Jacob.)
T1: This pizza is way better than this movie.
Bella: Can’t you stop being a werewolf?
Jacob: It’s not a lifestyle choice. I was born this way.
Me: I see what you did there, movie!
T2: Darth Vader is way cooler than these guys. He could chop off their heads.
(Bella tries to look sad, but just looks bored.)
T1: This music isn’t making it any better.
T2: Sounds like Wii music.
(Redheaded vampire Victoria shows up. About TIME. Bella decides to go out into the forest. Good one, Bella.)
All of us: Go, Victoria!
(Victoria runs around everywhere in slow motion.)
Me: She’s not a very good vampire.
(Bella stands on the cliff. Edward hallucination shows up and says don’t.)
Girls: Jump, jump, jump!!!
(Bella jumps off the cliff. I guess that saying is true.)
(She falls back under. She starts drowning.)
(Edward hallucination shows up.)
All of us: Eeeeeek!
(Jacob rescues Bella.)
Me: Thanks a lot, Jacob.
Jacob: What were you thinking?
T1: Bella- Duh, I’m stupid.
T2: You’re the stupidest someone I know.
(Bella snuggles with Jacob. I’m gonna snuggle with you even though I think you’re just a friend cause I’m a jerk!)
Bella: You’re so warm.
T2: Hot blooded, check it and seeee!
T1: He reminds me of our cousin. Except he’s not werewolfy, and lame.
(Girls launch into song to the theme of “Wendy”.)
T2: Coming down the street, with that pathetic face, every-one knows it’s Bel-la!
T1: And all she cares about is werewollllves and vampires!
T2: And she’s pa-the-tic, everyone knows it’s Bel-la!
(Jacob starts to kiss Bella. T2 puts her hand on the screen to block it.)
T1: You’re cheating on Edward. Then again, who wouldn’t?
(Bella sees the Cullen’s car. Oooh, they’re back!)
T1: It’s a trap!
T2: She’s too pathetic to know it.
(Alice is there. Oh, hey, it’s Alice.)
Alice: You’re alive? Why would you try to kill yourself?
Bella: Oh, no I was cliff diving. (Yeah, like I was just funnin’)
T2: Lie, lie, lie. Pathetic.
T2: Why don’t we turn this off and watch Star Wars?
T1: We must watch this, T2, for our fans.
T2: Only for the fans.
Alice: I had a vision – hey what is that wet dog smell?
Bella: It’s Jacob. He’s kind of a werewolf.
Alice: Werewolves are not good company to keep.
Me: Yeah, right, you can talk.
(Jacob shows up and is all romantic.)
T1: Awww, BARF.
Alice: Let the dog out.
(T2 starts squeaking a baby doll.)
T1: Stop that. We’re trying to review a crappy movie.
T2: I’m baby cooookie!
T1: Stop ittt! Wait, what’s going on?
(Phone rings, interrupts Jacob and Bella’s kiss. Jacob answers.)
“He’s not here right now, he’s planning a funeral.”
(Somewhere else, Edward hangs up.)
T1: Oh, that’s real niiiice.
Alice: He thinks you’ve done it! He’s going to the Volturi. He wants to kill himself too.
T1: Oh, good grief.
(T2 sets up a picnic in front of the T.V.)
T1: Here they go trying to save Edward from killing himself because he thinks she did. Stupid. Hey, it’s the circle of life, man.
(Edward shows up in front of Volturi – girly guy vampires.)
Volturi guy: “You have too many gifts to destroy you.”
T1: What gifts?
(Alice and Bella are driving wildly)
Alice: Oh, now he’s going to show himself.
T1: And sparkle.
Me: Alice keeps having these visions. Why didn’t she earlier?
T1: The werewolves were blocking Alice’s view.
(Gobs of people in Italy. So they, like, drove to Italy? There are tons of red cloaks around. Bella runs to stop the sparkle.)
T1: Is this red day?
T2: It’s fifty shades of red!
(Edward starts to take off his shirt in front of the red cloaks. His puny chest is coated in white powder stuff.)
T1: That’s disgusting. He looks sick.
T2: Pathetically sick
T1: Prepare for the sparkles!
(Bella stops him just in time. Darn. Bella and Edward have romantic scene.)
T2: Another Bella panting scene.
(The Volturi guys show up.)
T1: They’re gonna kill him anyway? Cool.
T1: Of course the leader of the vampires is a little girl.
(Edward is wearing a red robe – it looks like a girl’s robe.)
T2: Better not be a Jedi robe.
(They get in an elevator with the creepy Volturi. We are seeing every second of this.)
T1: Awkward elevator scene.
(They reach a huge hall.)
T1: Is this the execution hall?
T2: Yes, yes, yes!
(It really does look like Edward’s wearing a dress. This is not helping with the white paint look.)
(Volturi guy can’t read Bella’s mind.)
Me: Your powers are fine, she just doesn’t have thoughts.
(Girl vampire makes Edward get all constipated and fall over. But Bella is a speshul snowflake and is immune to all their powers.)
T2: She’s a Sith!
Volturi: She knows too much.
Both girls: Kill her, kill her, kill her!
(Big slow-mo vampire fight.)
T2: If you look closely in the background, it says stupid.
Bella: Kill me, not him!
T1: Either one will do.
T2: Kill them both. I’m tired.
Me: End movie, endddd.
(Alice promises to turn Bella. She has a vision of Edward and Bella frolicking. You know, like vampires.)
T1: Like, won’t her Dad notice her not aging?
(They get back home.)
Edward: I wanted to give you a chance at a normal, healthy life.
T1: And then you ruined it.
Edward: I hope you can forgive me because I can’t live without you.
Me: Yeah, not manipulative and creepy at all.
All of us: Ennnnnddddd!
(Now they are at the Cullen’s house.)
T1: All the Cullens are back. Yayy.
(Bella has them vote to change her to a vampire. Lots more blah blah blah. She drives off with Edward. Jacob blocks them in the road.)
T1: Don’t get werewolf on the tires.
(Bella all wants to be a vampire, and Jacob and Edward fight over Bella.)
Me: Bella- I want my Edward and Jacob too.
Bella: But it’s always been him, Jacob.
Me: Even though he left me and I like nearly killed myself.
T1: I’m too tired to recap anymore. We will NEVER finish this.
Edward: I have one condition for turning you into a vampire. Marry me, Bella.
(And the movie ends right there!!!! Cheers of joy from all around!)
T1: Sings along w/ the music from the credits: This movie suuuuucks, it has Edward – and a werewolfffff, stuuuuupidddd
T2: And pathetiiiiic!
End Part Three. New Moon was the last movie, right? Right????
We’re back with part two of this stupid movie. My fellow reviewers, Thing One and Thing Two, have returned with promises of blog fame. Last time we ended with Bella being dumped by Eddiekins in the middle of the forest. Cue sad trombone. Wah, wahhhhhh.
Me: Where were we?
T2: Jacob’s abs.
Me: Yeah, that narrows it down.
(We fast forward back to forest scene. Naked abs carry Bella out of woods – some other shirtless guy, not Jacob.)
(We see months pass by w/ Bella sitting there, room spinning around. October . . . November . . . December)
T1: Let’s see what Bella has accomplished. Okay then. Shouldn’t she be dead by now?
(Bella is screaming bloody murder in bed.)
All of us: What the???
T1: Big panic attack because Edward is gone?
T2: Stupid and pathetic.
(Poor Dad. He tries to talk to Bella.)
T1: Obviously stuttering runs in the family.
(Bella goes to movies with “friend” and ignores her completely.)
T1: Going on in Bella’s mind now. Nothing.
(They are walking down street, Bella remembers Edward saving her. Suddenly Edward’s disembodied head appears warning her to run.)
All of us: Arghhhh!!!! What is THAT?
Me: Bella’s like there are creepy guys on motorcycles there. I think I’ll approach them.
(Edward head appears: He says turn around. Bella walks closer. Edward speaks again. Bella gets on motorcycle.)
T1: Stupid! If I were her dad I’d ground her for twenty years.
(Suddenly she’s back with her friend. Wait, what, which parts did she hallucinate?)
Friend: You’re insane. Or suicidal.
Us: Yes, yes, yes.
Friend: Or it’s a lame TV show.
T1: YES, that’s it.
Bella: If a rush of danger is what it takes to see him again, that’s what I’ll do.
(Bella takes junk motorcycles to Jacob to fix. Jacob picks up bike.)
Bella: Jacob you’re like buff.
T1: She just noticed this?
(Jacob’s friends come over. One says “Oh, your girlfriend?”
(Awkkkward! Haha. We pause so I can write. Thing Two starts pointing out a zit on Jacob’s forehead.)
T2: Look at his eyebrows. Like Squirrel’s tail.
(Bella says she feels better with Jake. Like, who wants to feel better?)
(Bella screaming in bed again. Dad comes in and rambles. Thing Two is playing with the flashlight. We break for a fight over the flashlight. We are seriously bored.)
T1: Come on, we need to finish this.
T1: Ugh, gonna have to lay down through this. Let’s go.
(Movie is still paused. Thing Two points out weird things on Jacob, but calls him Edward. I correct her.)
Me: That’s Jacob.
T1: Same difference.
(Bella sees cliff diving. Rush. Oh, ohhh.)
Me: Jump Bella, jump!
T2: This is Jacob (shows me picture of an Ewok)
(Jacob talks about buff guys bullying him. Bored.)
(Jacob points out what each part of the bike is. Bella drifts off. Yeah, she’s never gonna remember this.)
(Edward’s head appears again. ARghhhhhhhhh. Bella takes off on motorcycle. Has multiple hallucinations. She flies off bike.)
T1: That was not a good idea.
(She has a cut on forehead. Hereee we go. Jacob removes entire shirt to dab on cut. Yeahhh, subtle Jake.)
(At cafeteria. Pathetic guy asks out Bella. She says yes. Bella wants to see Face Punch.)
Me: I would rather see Face Punch than this.
(Other friends don’t show so it’s Bella and Jacob and other guy. Dumb lines and banging noises come from movie)
Me: I would still rather see this.
(Pathetic guy runs off to bathroom. Jacob holds Bella’s hand. He tries to pick up Bella, but of course she’s still hard up on stupid creeper Edward.)
Bella: So like I’m selfish and want you around even though I don’t want you.
T1: Ohhh, this is stupid.
(Thing Two sticks head in couch.)
T2: Nooo. Edward, Jacob.
T1: I think Edward left her cause she depressed even him.
(Suddenly Jacob is all pissed and wants to hit pathetic guy.)
Jacob: I feel weird.
Me: Hulk, smash.
T1: Guess what? Full Moon. Whatever.
(Jacob won’t respond to Bella for a while. We finally see Jacob again.)
T1: Ohh, he got a haircut.
Jacob: Bella, go away.
T1: You’re ruining my life.
(Jacob yammers about vampires.)
Bella: It’s killing me that I hurt you.
T1: Ugh, really.
Bella: You can’t break up with me.
T1: You weren’t dating.
Bella: Without Jacob, I can’t stand it.
Me: Totally codependent.
(Bella sees meadow. The pretty flowers have disappeared.)
Me: What? The lack of sparkles killed it?
(T1 shows me a picture titled the emotions of Bella. They are all the same.)
Black vampire shows up.
Me: Dee black Jamaaaaican vampireee.
(Edward head appears. He says: “Lie” “Lie better.”
(Jamaican vampire yammers about how girl vampire wants to kill Bella because Edward killed her mate. Blah blah. I only really know this because I was dumb enough to read the books.)
Jamaican vampire: How much could you mean to him if he left you unprotected? I am doing you a kindness.
T1: By ending your stupid life.
(Enormous wolf shows up. Oh, jeez that’s lame. One stops by her and gives her the eye.
Bella runs back home.)
Bella: They aren’t bears, they’re like huge wolves.
Dad: You’re like officially crazy, Bella.
End Part Two. One more to go. Help us all!
I picked on some of the “Classics” of literature last time. (I wonder how a book gets to be a classic. Does it have to rate a certain level on the depression scale to be considered? There are very few happy classic books.) Anyway, now I move on to some of the more popular – for some reason – books that people are reading or have read. Many of them have even been made into movies. Then again, so have many comic books, so take that as you will.
The Twilight Series:
Oh, Twilight, how can I rate thee? Surely not as well as many others already have. Just look at the blog roll to see some of the excellent blogs trashing this book like it rightly deserves. I do have one complaint – these people, as far as know, were not around when the series first came out, so I suffered alone. No one should suffer these books alone! There should be some sort of AA group for the victims of bad books. Anyway, be sure to check out these people – they are awesome.
And these are just the ones I’ve discovered so far in my ongoing quest to keep from doing productive work! I’m getting off track again. In case you are one of the six people who haven’t heard of or read this book, here is my summary of all four books in play form for dramatic effect.
Bella: Edward you are so hot
Edward: Yes but I am a vampire. Stay away and get in my Volvo.
Bella: Edward you are so hot. I want to be a vampire too.
Edward: No way. Your blood smells yummy.
Bella: Let us lay in this meadow and stare at each other.
Edward: Watch me sparkle and dazzle!
Bella: Your family is totally cool. I want to be a vampire too.
Edward: No you don’t. We are all beautiful and sparkly and live forever and rainbows shoot out our butts. Why would anyone want that?
Bella: My life is awful. My Dad cares and everyone in school wants to be my friend. Please make me a vampire.
Edward: Let’s play baseball. Oh, no, there is another vampire that wants to kill you.
Bella: What, a plot? I will throw myself into danger for no real reason.
Edward: I will rescue you and blame your injuries on falling down the stairs. Wanna go to prom?
Bella: No but I will because you are hot. Make me into a vampire.
Edward: No – we have three more books to go.
Bella: Yay it’s my birthday but paper cut and my boyfriend left me and my life is over.
Jacob: I am another super hot guy who is crazy about you for no known reason.
Bella: Cool. Help me attempt suicide cause it makes me have hallucinations of my boyfriend Edward who is better than you.
Jacob: Okay. Jump off a cliff.
Bella: Wow I almost died but Jacob rescued me.
Jacob: I am a hot werewolf and I love you.
Bella: Oh no Edward heard I was dead and is going to kill himself by sparkling
Jacob: Lol, what?
Bella: I must go to Italy and stop him. Whew he is alive but these other vampires want me to become a vampire. Edward, turn me into a vampire.
Edward: No. It would take away your soul. Never. Unless you marry me.
Bella: Ew, that’s like a real commitment, yuck. Unlike eternal life.
Jacob: Hey, I’m still here guys.
Edward: Stay away from my girlfriend.
Bella: Oh, nooos, two hot guys are fighting over me!
Reader: This can’t get worse.
Edward: I want to protect you so no more seeing your friend Jacob
Bella: Hey where is my car battery?
Edward: I took it cause I love you. There is a vampire chick out to kill you.
Bella: Make me into a vampire.
Edward: Not till you marry meeee.
Bella: Vampire chick is killing lots of people. Lots of werewolves are mad and want to attack vampires. I am full of angst.
Edward: Let’s be friends with werewolves after all and kill vampire chick. Done.
Jacob: I still love you so I’m gonna force you to kiss my furry self.
Bella: Oh, another sign of abuse. I love you and Edward! How will I choose?
Edward: It says in the book you choose me. Let’s get married.
Bella: Okay, I will send an invite to Jacob. Won’t that be nice?
Reader: It got worse. Wait – there’s still one more book? Why????
Bella: Yay, a wedding! I am pretty and married to Edward. Soon I will give up my soul.
Edward: Let’s honeymoon on my island. Oops I almost broke you. My bad.
Bella: That’s okay. Oh, look, I’m preggers with a demon baby!
Edward: Let’s kill it.
Bella: No ways I luv my baby! Oh, no, baby broke me. I will puke blood.
Edward: Gross. I guess I have to make you a vampire now.
Bella: Yay, I am a vampire and sparkly and perfect and wonderful and demon baby is oh so cute. I will call her Reneesme.
Jacob: That’s an awful name. I will totally marry her one day.
Bella: Ew, quit making googly eyes at my baby!
Edward: Other vampires are going to kill our demon baby. We might have actual action.
Bella: No we won’t. Cause I will make a shield and protect everybody because I am a special snowflake. Mean vampires go away. Yay, together forever and happy!
Reader: Throws book across room.