Tag Archives: news

Facebook News with Alice: Kermit and Miss Piggy Break Up

I was on Facebook, once again trying to stay away from anything remotely important or relevant to the universe, when up comes this on Facebook News.

Kermit the Frog: Muppet Announces Split With Partner Miss Piggy Tuesday

Kermit: Someone help me she watches me sleeep (photo stolen from Huffpo)

Kermit: Someone help me she breaks into my house and watches me sleeep!
(photo stolen from Huffpo)

OMG. First it was announced that Will Smith and his wife were breaking up and peeps were crying until Will said, “No we totally aren’t breaking up cause she’s my queen – that’s what you told me to say, right, honey?” – and then everything was well in the world again.  And then we hear about Muppets breaking up.  This was a huge surprise because I didn’t even know they had an actual relationship.  I sort of thought it was just light-hearted stalking and sexual harassment on the part of Miss Piggy since Kermit never did seem that interested in crossing the species boundary like she was.  Not with so many other frogs in the sea.

Yet here it is – the end of a couple / ongoing court case.  Some are speculating that this is a publicity stunt for their upcoming TV show.  I’m not sure why they’d make a TV show since most of the Muppet movies lately have bombed (Hint: do not use that guy from How I Met Your Mother in any movie.  He sucks.)  If they want success, they should just head back to Sesame Street.  Kermit could report the news like old times.  Maybe they’d find love again.  I hear Telly Monster (the one who used to be pathologically obsessed with television but that wasn’t cool since Sesame Street figured out they were a TV show, so now is pathologically obsessed with triangles) is single. So is Cookie Monster, though he might eat furniture.  Or possibly Miss Piggy herself, since he is branching out his diet.  And then there is Big Bird, but he still hasn’t been able to leave the nest, plus he has the mind of a six-year-old and imagined his friend so hard that everyone else got to see him too (Snuffaluffagus could be a candidate on the other hand).

Piggy and Kermit?  No beepin' wayyy bird!

Piggy and Kermit? No beepin’ wayyy bird!

You might be wondering why I am reporting on this news since it was announced yesterday already and everyone is is anyone already knew about it.  It certainly has nothing to do with me dragging my feet on my Disney Hunger Games story.  It really is happening – we have the gruesome pictures for you and everything (cleaned up for families cause this is Disney).  But there was the problem of bad lighting, leaves, and laziness.  Don’t you worry three or four fans of mine, you’ll soon see who gets axed – er – who bites the big one first.  You will also have the opportunity to send aid to your favorite characters, just like in the real Hunger Games.  You know like water, or forest animals, or an all powerful genie, whatever.  You just can’t miss this stuff!  Heck, maybe Miss Piggy will make an appearance.  You know what an attention hog she is.

Well that’s all I have for now.  Be sure to read the article – and the comments – on the Huffpo article I linked to because as usual, the comments section is more amusing than the article.  Especially the people who argue with people that Kermit and Piggy are Muppets and how stupid are they that they don’t realize this news is fake, huh?  Fat lot they know.  Kermit and Piggy are totally real.  I grew up with them on my television set.  Everything on television is real.

I feel like some bacon now.

Alice

The News According to Facebook

Before I start this post, I’d just like to say this new editor sucks. Seriously sucks.  And now I can’t find where to go back to the old one anymore.  WordPress, you suck. Where the hell is the old editor?  If I see one more boop beep bop I’m gonna blow.

Okay, done – for now, saying this post even posts since it’s on this new stupid editor arghhhhhhhh.

Okay, so I don’t watch the news much because it is really depressing and stupid, and I get enough of that in real life.  Also in fiction, seeing as authors, even kid authors, have decided to kill off main plot characters for funsies.  Like, what the hell is that about authors?  It’s not dramatic, it’s just being a jerk to your readers.  I mean, sure, you gotta kill a few off but that’s what red shirts are for – you know, the guys on Star Trek that they took down on the away teams to alien planets who were not listed in the opening credits so you knew they were gonna die?  Put in more of those guys.  Fiction is for escape, not further punishment.  Make a note.  Try something funny for once, for God’s sake.

Yes, I own this shirt.

Yes, I own this shirt.

But back to the news, right, that’s what I was talking about.  Because it’s way weirder than any fiction.

I only see news on Facebook since I’m on there chatting with people.  Suffice it to say, it’s an even weirder way to get news since I”m only getting what Facebook considers trending news.  It might be as bad as what Fox News considers trending.  Speaking of Fox, number one trending news item today (I swear I’m not making up the order or anything here):

Facebook news, now with more Cookie Monster

Facebook news, now with more Cookie Monster

Rand Paul: Kentucky senator formally announces 2016 Presidential Run.

– Oh, goody.  Is there some way I can just take a sleeping pill and wake up when the election is over?  Cause it’s already getting painful.  By the way, it’s Rand, not Ron his dad, though both are Libertarians disguised as Republicans and as we all know the Libertarian party is best represented by a unicorn, according to my other news source, blogger List of X.  Still, he’s a better choice than Cruz who has a Hispanic name so boo-yah, the Repubs have a ethnic!  Just kidding, he’s white.

Elmwood Park, New Jersey: 100 year old man killed wife with an ax in murder – suicide, officials say.

– Is it wrong that the first thing I thought of upon reading this headline was – wow, he can swing an ax at 100?  That’s pretty darn impressive.

Burger King: Company to pay for wedding of man named Burger and woman named King.

– Yeah, really, this is what came after the murder-suicide.  I wonder if the wedding will be catered with burgers and fries and officiated by that creepy Burger King mascot.  I would love to go to that wedding.

I now pronounce you Burger and King - may I tickle the bride?

I’m available for baptisms too!

Sebastian Inlet State Park: Photo purportedly shows bobcat dragging shark on Florida beach

No word on whether the bobcat is planning on a 2016 presidential run, but he has my vote.

And finally . . .

Marilyn Manson Musician reportedly hit in face after argument at Denny’s.

What happens at Denny’s, stays at Denny’s.  Unless you are Marilyn Manson, who may also be planning a 2016 Presidential run.  I wonder if he ordered the Grand Slam?

Okay enough news for today!  Got any good stories of your own?  Or a way out of this BLASTED EDITOR?  Where’s a good bobcat when you need one?