I was on Facebook, once again trying to stay away from anything remotely important or relevant to the universe, when up comes this on Facebook News.
OMG. First it was announced that Will Smith and his wife were breaking up and peeps were crying until Will said, “No we totally aren’t breaking up cause she’s my queen – that’s what you told me to say, right, honey?” – and then everything was well in the world again. And then we hear about Muppets breaking up. This was a huge surprise because I didn’t even know they had an actual relationship. I sort of thought it was just light-hearted stalking and sexual harassment on the part of Miss Piggy since Kermit never did seem that interested in crossing the species boundary like she was. Not with so many other frogs in the sea.
Yet here it is – the end of a couple / ongoing court case. Some are speculating that this is a publicity stunt for their upcoming TV show. I’m not sure why they’d make a TV show since most of the Muppet movies lately have bombed (Hint: do not use that guy from How I Met Your Mother in any movie. He sucks.) If they want success, they should just head back to Sesame Street. Kermit could report the news like old times. Maybe they’d find love again. I hear Telly Monster (the one who used to be pathologically obsessed with television but that wasn’t cool since Sesame Street figured out they were a TV show, so now is pathologically obsessed with triangles) is single. So is Cookie Monster, though he might eat furniture. Or possibly Miss Piggy herself, since he is branching out his diet. And then there is Big Bird, but he still hasn’t been able to leave the nest, plus he has the mind of a six-year-old and imagined his friend so hard that everyone else got to see him too (Snuffaluffagus could be a candidate on the other hand).
You might be wondering why I am reporting on this news since it was announced yesterday already and everyone is is anyone already knew about it. It certainly has nothing to do with me dragging my feet on my Disney Hunger Games story. It really is happening – we have the gruesome pictures for you and everything (cleaned up for families cause this is Disney). But there was the problem of bad lighting, leaves, and laziness. Don’t you worry three or four fans of mine, you’ll soon see who gets axed – er – who bites the big one first. You will also have the opportunity to send aid to your favorite characters, just like in the real Hunger Games. You know like water, or forest animals, or an all powerful genie, whatever. You just can’t miss this stuff! Heck, maybe Miss Piggy will make an appearance. You know what an attention hog she is.
Well that’s all I have for now. Be sure to read the article – and the comments – on the Huffpo article I linked to because as usual, the comments section is more amusing than the article. Especially the people who argue with people that Kermit and Piggy are Muppets and how stupid are they that they don’t realize this news is fake, huh? Fat lot they know. Kermit and Piggy are totally real. I grew up with them on my television set. Everything on television is real.
I feel like some bacon now.
I have to say, guys, I am on a roll here with this Facebook news. All this time I had no idea some of this news was even happening, since I seem to keep missing TLC’s weird shows in the line up. I’m always in time for the wedding shows. How many times can they talk about a wedding dress? There’s not much humor there. Oh, look, today we have some moron with more money than sense (or with parents who qualify) taking an entourage of people with her to find a dress for her wedding day. And the dresses MUST start at like 10,000 dollars or you might as well wear a garbage bag. And it’s important to have both the dress shop owners AND your family members repeatedly insult you about your choices – like an episode of Maury only with more fashion. This is not at all like what happened on the last 1,000 episodes.
And since this is obviously so fascinating, TLC must have dozens of shows about the exact same thing – wedding dresses. And then they must show them in a marathon. Until your brain bleeds. Really, TLC, I have more important stuff to watch. Like shows about the lady with Freddie Krueger nails and the eternal Santa Claus looking for love. Or all those zany mishaps ending people up in the ER. Or the baby powder snorters. And of course there are the baby-making shows. Either shows about who can pop out the most kids, how many babies they can fit inside them at one time like a gumball machine, what size those kids are (if you can do it with average size adults, it can be done with little people too), how the kid was born in a forest or a car or on the sidewalk beside a daycare (all true), or how people can have twins without even knowing they are pregnant. I’m not sure if the one about the mom and her teen being preggers at the same time is still on, but it wouldn’t surprise me.
Speaking of fascinating births, we have our latest bit of Facebook news, and it is totally blowing Alyssa and her breastmilk out of the water, er plane.
Wow. What can I say except – hey, Americans, you are totally letting us down here. We have to go to Berlin to find someone this whacked out crazy. I mean getting pregnant with quads is weird enough, but when you’re eligible for social security? And you already have 13 children, the oldest of which is 44 and too old for having babies herself?
I try to peer into the mind of someone like this. Why would you want another baby at that age? She has 7 grandchildren. Those are the best. Take ’em for a while, give them loud, obnoxious toys and fill them with sweets, then send the home. Yet she wants more of her own. Couldn’t she like, adopt some puppies? People don’t frown if you occasionally put those in a kennel. Or baby dolls! They have lifelike ones and I’ve seen some people on TLC who drag them along in real strollers like actual children which is whack, but not as whack as four real babies at 65. Saying they all survive. There seems to be a contest for people to have the most babies at one time so they can score reality shows and stock in Huggies. But the thing is, we aren’t dogs. We’re people. We’re not actually meant to have litters. Technically, even a twin pregnancy is high risk. So – someone needs to take away this lady’s access to baby-making tools before she and all her children are in diapers together.
There were a lot of comments on this article. Some say she is selfish since she’ll probably die and leave the babies without an insane mother. I say she wants her 15 minutes of fame. And guess what? She’s got it! If she can just toast those babies a few more months in there, she could get a reality show for sure. Move over Kate plus 8. We’ve got Geriatrics plus 17. Three more and she could outdo Michelle Duggar, who only has 19 of the little buggers. Maybe she could get married too – she’d need a wedding dress! And if she married a little person, our story would be complete. As long as they make sure she has the quads out in the woods or something.
This is Alice, your Facebook reporter, signing off.
Before I start this post, I’d just like to say this new editor sucks. Seriously sucks. And now I can’t find where to go back to the old one anymore. WordPress, you suck. Where the hell is the old editor? If I see one more boop beep bop I’m gonna blow.
Okay, done – for now, saying this post even posts since it’s on this new stupid editor arghhhhhhhh.
Okay, so I don’t watch the news much because it is really depressing and stupid, and I get enough of that in real life. Also in fiction, seeing as authors, even kid authors, have decided to kill off main plot characters for funsies. Like, what the hell is that about authors? It’s not dramatic, it’s just being a jerk to your readers. I mean, sure, you gotta kill a few off but that’s what red shirts are for – you know, the guys on Star Trek that they took down on the away teams to alien planets who were not listed in the opening credits so you knew they were gonna die? Put in more of those guys. Fiction is for escape, not further punishment. Make a note. Try something funny for once, for God’s sake.
But back to the news, right, that’s what I was talking about. Because it’s way weirder than any fiction.
I only see news on Facebook since I’m on there chatting with people. Suffice it to say, it’s an even weirder way to get news since I”m only getting what Facebook considers trending news. It might be as bad as what Fox News considers trending. Speaking of Fox, number one trending news item today (I swear I’m not making up the order or anything here):
Rand Paul: Kentucky senator formally announces 2016 Presidential Run.
– Oh, goody. Is there some way I can just take a sleeping pill and wake up when the election is over? Cause it’s already getting painful. By the way, it’s Rand, not Ron his dad, though both are Libertarians disguised as Republicans and as we all know the Libertarian party is best represented by a unicorn, according to my other news source, blogger List of X. Still, he’s a better choice than Cruz who has a Hispanic name so boo-yah, the Repubs have a ethnic! Just kidding, he’s white.
Elmwood Park, New Jersey: 100 year old man killed wife with an ax in murder – suicide, officials say.
– Is it wrong that the first thing I thought of upon reading this headline was – wow, he can swing an ax at 100? That’s pretty darn impressive.
Burger King: Company to pay for wedding of man named Burger and woman named King.
– Yeah, really, this is what came after the murder-suicide. I wonder if the wedding will be catered with burgers and fries and officiated by that creepy Burger King mascot. I would love to go to that wedding.
Sebastian Inlet State Park: Photo purportedly shows bobcat dragging shark on Florida beach
No word on whether the bobcat is planning on a 2016 presidential run, but he has my vote.
And finally . . .
Marilyn Manson Musician reportedly hit in face after argument at Denny’s.
What happens at Denny’s, stays at Denny’s. Unless you are Marilyn Manson, who may also be planning a 2016 Presidential run. I wonder if he ordered the Grand Slam?
Okay enough news for today! Got any good stories of your own? Or a way out of this BLASTED EDITOR? Where’s a good bobcat when you need one?