Tag Archives: Nick

Why I am a REAL slacker mom

You know how those parenting magazines have all this advice on how to be a perfect mom?  Except they’re really clever and say it’s how to be a “not-so-perfect” mom, when in fact their version of the not perfect mom is like Donna Reed occasionally leaving off the pearl necklace while she vacuums?  Meanwhile I’m just thinking – people vacuum?

Angelina has finally hit her goal weight!

Or here’s another fun one.  How about when they have a celebrity talk about the “trials” of being a mom?  I love that one!  I mean, I’m sure it’s really hard for Angelina Jolie, what with the nannies, the household staff, and, oh yeah, the bazillions of dollars.  And how did she ever manage to get into shape so quickly?  Was it having a dietician, personal trainer and plastic surgeon on hand?  Noooo.  It was hard work, people!  She knows how to sweat unlike you lazy bums.  In fact, lately she has sweated so much that she resembles a skeleton from one of those fright houses on Halloween.  See page 25 for how you can too. 

There are also tips on how to feed your children properly.  None of that prepackaged food, people.  It’s loaded with preservatives, added salt, and anthrax.  I might have misread that last one.  Anyway, you can’t be too careful.  You need fruits and veggies, but not just any fruits and veggies.  They had better be organic.  And don’t think you can get away with fruit juice, slackers.  Remember the apple juice scare Dr. Oz (he was on Oprah so you know he is totally legit) talked about?  Apparently those cute apple juice boxes some slackers send their children with in their lunches everyday actually contained high levels of arsenic.  Yeah, I don’t remember it either.  I just found that article, and it was from a year ago.  That’s how on top of things I am as a parent.

There’s also advice on how to punish junior, although it’s not punishment, people; it’s discipline.  Like how your company isn’t firing workers, it’s just reorganizing without including certain people.  There are right and wrong ways to discipline a child.  Never, ever, should you yell, even if you find out your child has decided, with the help of a partner in crime, to coat herself and half the room in Noxema.  I think the “time out” is currently in vogue.  This is where you tie your child to a chair and have him sit a minute for every year he is in age.  It works with husbands, too.  When my husband, say, leaves his power drill on the kitchen table again, I just put him in time out for thirty-nine minutes.  So far he’s just sat and read a car magazine, so I don’t think it’s getting through to him.  I might have to try another tactic.

Once I thought only lazy parents used these.

Then there’s the good natured debate of the stay-at-home mom versus the working mom.  I love how they act like most moms are wealthy enough to make this decision themselves, rather than having it decided for them by a little something called economics.  Many moms work because they like having stuff more than their children.  You know, stuff like food.  And some moms stay at home with their kids because they have no ambition.  You know, the ambition to work hard and pay every cent to daycare.  That was my situation for a while.  I figured if I wasn’t making any money anyway, I might as well stay home.  Because if anyone was going to screw my kids up, it might as well be me.  Later, my mother, who is probably regretting this by now, volunteered to help watch my kids for free.  At that point, I was willing to pay someone else to let me work for them.

 So that is why I stopped reading parenting literature and became a REAL slacker mom.  My kids still love me anyway.  Because they don’t watch Donna Reed or Leave it to Beaver. They watch the parents on the Disney Channel and Nickelodeon who, if they exist, are all morons.  I look incredibly awesome in comparison.


This show is one of the more recent offerings by Nick Jr., a spin-off of Nickelodeon, the station that brought you such intelligent offerings as Double Dare.  Which reminds me that I will have to do a special on 80s and 90s kid shows, especially those that routinely pour gelatinous goo all over children.  But first, I introduce to you  . . .
Yo Gabba Gabba
This is a show about a guy with some figurines that become giant, costumed monstrosities.  The only thing scarier than these creatures is the supposedly human man that takes care of them.  DJ Lance Rock (I wonder if he puts that on his driver’s license – Rock, DJ Lance) is tall and unnaturally skinny, with giant glasses, a furry orange hat, and an orange skin-tight jumpsuit.  Fortunately, we don’t see him as often as the others.
The Village Monsters
There are four monsters.  Foofa is a pink blob with a daisy on her head.  I don’t know what type of monster she is, but she definitely makes me wary of going out into the garden.  Brobee is a green monster with stripes, a unibrow, a freaky expression, and long, limp arms.  When he dances, he flops the things around uselessly, like partially severed limbs.  Toodee is blue and looks kind of like a cat, albeit a mutant cat.  Plex is a yellow robot with crossed eyes, which seems like a serious design flaw.  Finally, and I’ve saved him for last for a reason, is Muno. 
Hang on a second, I have to go shudder in a corner.
Okay, I’m back.  Muno is a Cyclops, but not just any Cyclops.  Muno resembles a red cucumber with some sort of horrible, festering disease.  He is the stuff of nightmares.  I want to know who thought this guy up, and what mental institution or drug rehab center he is currently stationed at.  No, I don’t want to hurt him.  I just want to ask him, “Why?”  Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy . . .
Hey Mom . . . arghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
Where was I?  It is easy to get lost when discussing this show.  There are so many questions.  Why is it called “Yo Gabba Gabba”?  Is this Spanish gibberish?  What does it mean?  I talk talk?  I grab grab?  I’m not sure.  I suppose the title is catchier than “OMG, The Horror, The Horror”, but it still doesn’t make sense.  Unless that’s the purpose.  Delightful nonsense is one thing; nonsense that produces creatures that used to hide under my bed at night is something else. 
Well, this is awkward.
This show features many songs that we can all learn from.  For instance, there is “Don’t Bite Your Friends.”  Oh, sure, it’s tempting, but you really don’t know where your friends have been, plus they have the power to sue you.  So don’t do it.  Yes, I know, this is supposed to be directed at children, but somehow I doubt they’re going to listen.  They have teeth and they’re going to use them.  It’s not like a toddler is going to hear this song and go “Ohhhhh.  I get it now.  I was being so unreasonable before!” 
If anything, it seems like this show encourages children to bite one another, if only to get away from the scary cucumber.  It certainly isn’t going to make them want to eat their vegetables, I can tell you that.  Yet the show gained enough popularity to produce a merchandizing storm with toys, clothes, shoes, and sheet sets.  Can you imagine the horror of waking up next to that one-eyed cucumber?  Or almost as bad, the DJ?  I don’t even want to think about it.
I am just thankful that my children have progressed past “Yo Gabba Gabba”.  Now they just watch the teeny-bopper shows on the regular Nickelodeon, a universe where every girl is a gorgeous, pimple-free teenager who just happens to also be a rock star.  Wait . . . I’m starting to miss the cucumber.
Final Analysis:
Diseased Cyclops Cucumber: Yes
Supposedly Human Host: Yes
Educational “Bite Me” Songs: Yes
Didacticism: The cucumber . . . it has one eye . . .