Tag Archives: Oprah

Why I am a REAL slacker mom

You know how those parenting magazines have all this advice on how to be a perfect mom?  Except they’re really clever and say it’s how to be a “not-so-perfect” mom, when in fact their version of the not perfect mom is like Donna Reed occasionally leaving off the pearl necklace while she vacuums?  Meanwhile I’m just thinking – people vacuum?

Angelina has finally hit her goal weight!

Or here’s another fun one.  How about when they have a celebrity talk about the “trials” of being a mom?  I love that one!  I mean, I’m sure it’s really hard for Angelina Jolie, what with the nannies, the household staff, and, oh yeah, the bazillions of dollars.  And how did she ever manage to get into shape so quickly?  Was it having a dietician, personal trainer and plastic surgeon on hand?  Noooo.  It was hard work, people!  She knows how to sweat unlike you lazy bums.  In fact, lately she has sweated so much that she resembles a skeleton from one of those fright houses on Halloween.  See page 25 for how you can too. 

There are also tips on how to feed your children properly.  None of that prepackaged food, people.  It’s loaded with preservatives, added salt, and anthrax.  I might have misread that last one.  Anyway, you can’t be too careful.  You need fruits and veggies, but not just any fruits and veggies.  They had better be organic.  And don’t think you can get away with fruit juice, slackers.  Remember the apple juice scare Dr. Oz (he was on Oprah so you know he is totally legit) talked about?  Apparently those cute apple juice boxes some slackers send their children with in their lunches everyday actually contained high levels of arsenic.  Yeah, I don’t remember it either.  I just found that article, and it was from a year ago.  That’s how on top of things I am as a parent.

There’s also advice on how to punish junior, although it’s not punishment, people; it’s discipline.  Like how your company isn’t firing workers, it’s just reorganizing without including certain people.  There are right and wrong ways to discipline a child.  Never, ever, should you yell, even if you find out your child has decided, with the help of a partner in crime, to coat herself and half the room in Noxema.  I think the “time out” is currently in vogue.  This is where you tie your child to a chair and have him sit a minute for every year he is in age.  It works with husbands, too.  When my husband, say, leaves his power drill on the kitchen table again, I just put him in time out for thirty-nine minutes.  So far he’s just sat and read a car magazine, so I don’t think it’s getting through to him.  I might have to try another tactic.

Once I thought only lazy parents used these.

Then there’s the good natured debate of the stay-at-home mom versus the working mom.  I love how they act like most moms are wealthy enough to make this decision themselves, rather than having it decided for them by a little something called economics.  Many moms work because they like having stuff more than their children.  You know, stuff like food.  And some moms stay at home with their kids because they have no ambition.  You know, the ambition to work hard and pay every cent to daycare.  That was my situation for a while.  I figured if I wasn’t making any money anyway, I might as well stay home.  Because if anyone was going to screw my kids up, it might as well be me.  Later, my mother, who is probably regretting this by now, volunteered to help watch my kids for free.  At that point, I was willing to pay someone else to let me work for them.

 So that is why I stopped reading parenting literature and became a REAL slacker mom.  My kids still love me anyway.  Because they don’t watch Donna Reed or Leave it to Beaver. They watch the parents on the Disney Channel and Nickelodeon who, if they exist, are all morons.  I look incredibly awesome in comparison.

Interview Strategies

So you’ve turned in your impressive resume and someone has called you for an interview.  Seriously?  They called you?  Wow . . . uh, well, anyway, there are certain things you must know before you interview for a job.

First off, anyone who told you that looks aren’t everything never had a job interview.  First impressions are key to snagging that job.  You don’t want to go into a job interview wearing something really stupid, like anything worn in the 80’s, or you’ll be judged before you can begin!  No, you want something conservative, yet striking, something that


says you are doing them a favor by applying at this measly little job.  Try having money sticking out of every pocket to show how successful you are.  Since you are obviously broke, you can either steal it (another career path right there!) or use monopoly money.  You won’t fail to make an impression!


So you’ve got the right look.  Now you’re ready for the interview.  Don’t be late, that looks bad.  Show up as early as possible, like the day before.  Do not break eye contact with your future interviewer until he invites you into his office (or has you escorted out).  Use a firm handshake (a few broken fingers shows you are serious).  After your interviewer has recovered, he – or possibly he and a committee of people if you’re lucky – will start asking you questions.  So that you can be prepared, here’s some sample questions and answers.

So if the interview’s not going well, we will all hold up “X” signs.

Common Questions and Answers
Tell me something about you.
I’m the tallest midget in the world.

What are your strengths and weaknesses?

My greatest strength is my ability to see through walls and leap over tall buildings.  My greatest weakness is Kryptonite.  Hey, what’s that paperweight made out of?
What did you like least about your last job?
All that working stuff.  What a pain.
Why should we hire you?
I kidnapped your cat.  (Show a picture for proof)
Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Right where you’re sittin’, buddy.  (grin widely)
What are your goals?
I hope to one day fit an entire bag of red hots in my mouth.  Also, I would like to fly.  Without a plane.
What would be your ideal working environment?
A bathtub filled with Jello.
How would a friend describe you?
As a saint – why?  Did one of them say something?  Who was it? (crack knuckles)
What type of salary do you expect?
Eleventy billion dollars.  A day.  Or whatever Oprah makes.
Describe a problem you’ve had, and how you solved it.
I once had this dead body to dispose of, and I didn’t know where to put it.  So I just stuck him in the meat grinder.  You don’t eat at Taco Bell, do you?
What type of person would you feel most comfortable working with?
Myself.  Except when the voices start arguing.  That’s annoying.
Is there anyone you could not work with?
Anyone who watches Toddlers and Tiaras.  Also, Hobbits.  Their hairy feet freak me out.
It is important to remember that interview questions are designed to test how well you react under pressure.   They are also designed for the amusement of managers.  The success of certain questions is measured in the amount of sweat around an applicant’s armpits.  But don’t worry.  Eventually you are going to get that job, because you have what it takes.  You’re determined, persistent, unavoidable.  And you have the manager’s cat.

Hang in there! You’re sure to snag a thrilling job soon!