Tag Archives: ouchies

Snap, Crackle, Pop! A Tale of My Joints

No, not these little freaks.

No, not these little freaks.

I didn’t realize I was so old.  It happened all of a sudden.  One minute I was twelve, and the next I was about to turn 37.  In one month.  June.  June 29th, to be specific, for all of you who I just know are going to write me fabulous blog posts in my honor.  Write that date down.  Are you writing that down?  Because I also want a Super Soaker water gun.

Anyway.  Next month, I’m also going to get a nine-year-old and, dear God, even worse, a thirteen-year-old, because I didn’t feel old enough already.  All our birthdays are in the same month so that by July, I’m starting to not want cake.  There is something wrong when I don’t want cake.

Happy Birthday! Have some cake!

Happy Birthday!
Have some cake!

There is something wrong when I turn 37.  I’m not 40 yet, I mean there’s still three years to go, right, so according to People Magazine I haven’t yet gone over the hill so everything should . . . what was that?  I bent my neck and something made a grating snapping sound.  Snap.  Crackle.  Pop.  Ouch.  I’m not sure which is worse – the actual pain from the popping or the SOUND of the popping.  I’m pretty sure joints aren’t supposed to do that sort of thing.

I went to the doctor a while ago for this.  He said, and I quote, “Bones just do that when you get older.”  And I gave him a look that said something like “WTF I AM THIRTY SOMETHING NOT EIGHTY WHERE DID YOU GET YOUR DEGREE A CRACKER JACK BOX?”  I think I made him nervous with my shouty caps eyes, so he wrote me a prescription for physical therapy.  That was only available from 8 to 5 because that’s just incredibly helpful for something who also works from 8 to 5.  I’ve never met anyone who works from 9 to 5.  Wtf with that song, Dolly?

Dolly, you liar.

Dolly, you liar.

I went during my lunch hour and there was this really cute peppy young woman who worked on me and I immediately hated her.  She put these things on my neck with electrodes and it made my muscles do freaked out jumpy things that did not make me feel magically better.  Muscles aren’t supposed to do jumpy things without you making them do jumpy things.

So I quit going because I can do stupid stuff to myself on my own time and I really preferred to have lunch on my lunch hour.  So my neck is still in bad shape.  I’d gotten kind of used to that, since it’s been going on a while, but now my hip hurts when I lie down sometimes.  And my wrists – wtf, wrists, just because I wrote thousands of notes for years in school and then type during work and then go home and type stupid blog posts that’s no reason to act all wimpy and crap.  Sheesh.

Okay, see, there's your wrist problem.  There's a scalpel in it.

Okay, see, there’s your wrist problem. There’s a scalpel in it.

Most recently, it’s been the knees.  I’m not sure if this is because of my yoga or not.  After dissing that Science of Yoga guy, I’m starting to wonder.  Maybe I can blame this all on yoga.  I mean, look at the postures they have you do.  Put all your body weight on your wrists and stick your butt in the hair!  Good!  Now act like you are sitting in a chair, but there’s no chair, so you’re just there in midair and you look like an idiot and your hamstrings are screaming at you for God’s sake stop!  I started yoga to feel better, not feel worse.

Of course I now have to wonder if it’s the chicken or the egg.  Was I going to have joint pain anyway, because I won the lotto of depression, asthma and arthritis?  Or have I made it worse by contorting my body in weird ways because damn it I sucked at sports but I was always flexible look at me throw my leg back I am a yoga champ and owwww. Snap, crackle, pop.

We just switched Susan's chair with thin air.  Let's see what happens.

We just switched Susan’s chair with thin air. Let’s see what happens.

I really don’t want to give up yoga, because my OCD starts panicking at the thought of having to find something else to obsess about.  Also, I kind of like it.  But is it helping or hurting?  I don’t know.  It doesn’t help that my yoga books completely contradict each other.  For instance, one says for knee pain relief do chair pose, tree pose, or triangle.  And the other book says, and I swear I am not making this up, whatever you do, don’t do chair pose, tree pose, or triangle because that’s bad for the knees.

Anyone else had these joint issues, or am I the only one?  If you do, how do you help yourself feel better?  Does yoga help or hurt?  Also, it would be awesome if you have the magic elixir I’ve been searching for, because lista de email told me she had it but SHE LIED you guyz.  That makes me want to make something go SNAP.

Snap, crackle, pop.

P.S. June 29th.  Write it down.  Super Soaker.

It looks like this.  Hint.

It looks like this. Hint.

Alice