Tag Archives: Our Smarmy Hero

50 SoG Recap #12: The One with the Tampon

First off, a confession.  I thought I would let you guys know that I don’t normally have such a potty mouth.  It’s this fucking book that brings it out in me.  Double crap, will this damn book ever end?  Jeez!

Next, awesome news!  One of my slightly disturbed facebook friends sent me a picture of a buttplug.  He found it on Wikipedia, the fount of all knowledge.  Turns out it does not look like a cork from a champagne bottle.  Pop!  Hey, the more you know, people.

On with the recap!  We’ve made it to chapter 23 . . . four more chapters, guys.  I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Please say it is not a train with Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc. inscribed on the engine.  The chapter opens with Our Smarmy Hero once again stalking Our Stupidass Heroine, this time on her vacation with her mom.  He introduces himself to her mom, calling her “Mrs. Adams” because that’s so not creepy that he knows everything about Ana’s life.  Unlike Ana, Christian is apparently quite familiar with Google.

Like all women, Ana’s mom loses control of all bodily functions upon meeting Christian.  Ana thinks, “Oh, complete dumbfounded speechlessness is genetic.”  I don’t even have to make fun of her.  She does it for me.  Christian orders a drink in his typical douchebaggy way, “Hendricks if you have it, or Bombay Sapphire.  Cucumber with the Hendricks, lime with the Bombay.  I bet the waiter spits in his drink.

Ana worries about what he’s angry about, even though it was Christian that showed up on her vacation uninvited.  He rubs her fingers and Ana’s all “Oh my” and ready to jump him.  Of course.  Her mom invites Christian to dinner, and then excuses herself, and Christian and Ana start on Mrs. Robinson again.  Ana points out that Christian gets pissy about Jose and she hasn’t slept with him, but he then goes to dinner with someone he did sleep with, and the little twit has a point.  But Christian says he doesn’t have to justify his actions.  And they go back to Mrs. Robinson and Christian gets angrymadface and gives his hotel number and leaves.

Ana’s mom says she feels their sexual tension (um, ew?) and encourages Ana to go see Christian even though Ana just said she needed time away from him.  So she goes to his room and Christian is making work talk-talk on his phone.  Ana asks if he loved Mrs. Robinson, because that’s the question she should be asking now, and he says no.  Ana’s so relieved she bites her lip (how does she still have a lip? It must be ragged and bleeding by now.  Sexy) and this turns Christian on and Ana wants to talk but he touches her and kaboom nevermind. 

Then he asks . . . if she’s bleeding.  Hey, guyz, Ana is on her period!  So glad we know this!  This makes Christian happy because he doesn’t have to use protection.  Okay.  So we already knew James was not great with English, and now we know Biology is also not her strong suit because it’s possible for a woman to get pregnant pretty much anytime.  We can store sperm in our bodies for a few days, and Ana probably has enough stored by now to give birth to a soccer team. 

Anyway, Christian decides they will take a bath.  So he takes off her clothes and I’m thinking but she’s on her period, and he rubs her and asks when she started her period (really???) and she says yesterday and he’s happy about this and then he . . . okay, I knew about this before I got here.  This scene in the book is rather infamous.  Still, you do not know the horror until you actually read it yourself.  Um, anyway, where was I? Oh, yes, he yanks out her tampon and tosses it in the toilet.

I am not making this shit up.

They have sex and then get in the bath and her blood is on him and this is just gross.  I mean, yes, you can technically have sex on your period, but it really is a mess, and why in the hell would anyone ever write about it?  Ana sees Christian’s scars and realizes they are from cigarette burns but he won’t talk about it so she goes on to a new topic – Mrs. Robinson!  Ana, even I don’t blame Christian for wanting to slap you now. 

So Christian asks if it was really all that bad when he hit her EIGHTEEN TIMES and Ana whispers, “Not really.”  Nah, I just screamed in pain and sobbed when you left.  No problem.  I am amazed at how fast she heals up from this stuff though.  Hell, just the number of times they have sex in an hour ought to have torn up her vagina by now.  But enough of that, they have sex in the bathtub.

Later she lays naked (I’m assuming bleeding onto Christian’s sheets) and there’s some blah blah conversation that goes nowhere and her inner goddess does some pole vaulting and then they finally freaking go to sleep. End chapter.

Chapter 24 opens with another dream.  Ana’s in a cage (I’m picturing it looking like a dog kennel) and Christian feeds her strawberries and she tries to touch him but Christian wakes her up because he wants to “chase the dawn” with her.  And I want to throw up.  He makes her the tea she likes and her subconscious mouths to her “See he does care.”  Yeah, Ana.  He stalks you and beats you and controls every aspect of your life but hey, he knows your favorite tea!  It must be love!

They listen to opera in the car because remember they’re highbrow and Ana finds out a sub left a song on his Ipod.  It’s “Toxic” by Britney Spears so it’s pretty clear why he broke up with that one.  There’s more blah talk about Christian’s prior sex life and finally they reach the airfield.  They’re going gliding!  Yippee.  There’s actually some description of the flying but then they land and his tongue goes back in her mouth and we’re back to normal. 

And then they go to IHop oh can you believe it that Christian would lower himself to the International House of Pancakes isn’t that charming?  The waitress comes by and is of course struck by orgasms at beholding the face of Christian.  They eat and Ana tries to pay and Christian says no and he takes her to her Mom’s without asking her address because of course he knows it.  He also knows her mother’s social security number, her driver’s license number, the name of her first pet, and the timing of her monthly cycle.  Okay, I’m just guessing that, but would you be surprised?

Ana says “Why do I want to spend every minute with this controlling sex god?  Oh, yes, I’ve fallen in love with him and he can fly.”  Let’s test it by pushing him out a window.  Her mom prepares dinner and Ana emails.  Christian writes that she talks in her sleep.  Where have I heard that before?  It couldn’t have been Twilight where Edward listens to Bella talk in her sleep, could it?  Nah.  This is a totally original story you guyz.

Ana is offered the job with Mr. J. Hyde’s publishing company.  Hooray.  Then Christian calls her and says he has a “situation” he has to handle and must return home.  Ana remembers that the last “situation” was her virginity.  Hey, a psycho’s got to do what a psycho’s got to do, Ana.  She goes to bed and there is more cutesy emailing back and forth and Ana is all worried about what she might have said in her sleep.  I’d just be worried about sleeping near him period, but that’s just me.  End chapter.

“I want you submissive in my playroom.  I will punish you if you digress from the rules.  Other than that . . . well, I think that’s all up for discussion.” (Ch24 p352)

Sounds reasonable to me, Ana.