Yes, folks, it’s Easter! That special time when flowers bloom, bunnies are born, eggs are painted in many pastel hues, tiny tots are dressed in pretty little dresses, and that dead guy comes back to life. You know, all that stuff.
But do you know the real meaning of Easter? You’re in luck. Now is the time for me to
screw up tell you the story of Easter. Once, a long, long time ago, there was a rabbit that wore a little blue jacket. His name was Peter, or Simon-Peter, take your pick, and he was always getting into some sort of trouble, because he was trying to spread the gospel.
What is the gospel? It’s from this book with teeny tiny illustrations that teach lessons to us all. There’s the tale of two bad mice, and that one about Mrs. Tittlemouse, and Squirrel Nutkin, and of course no one can forget the unforgettable parable of Jemima Puddleduck. Anyway, he wanted to spread these stories, even though it was dangerous to do so.
One who definitely needed converting was a Mr. McGregor. So Peter ignored his Mother Bunny, who happened to be a virgin bunny – don’t ask, and crawled under the fence, on a mission to spread the Word. Sadly, he got caught and baked into a pie. All the animals were sadfaced. How would they learn the Word of the Great Potter now?
But lo, after three days, Peter emerged from the oven, alive! He scared the crap out of Mr. McGregor, man. He was now an angel bunny, who told his followers to “Do this in remembrance of me guyz – Paint eggs and hide them from children.” “Wtf?” asked his followers. But Peter said, “Yo, don’t question me.” So they did it. And they still do it today, although all the history got mixed up along the way.
And that’s the story of Easter. Yes it is. Now I’m going to eat a Cadbury egg.