Tag Archives: plastic surgery

Strange Addictions: E.T. Phone . . . Boobs?

The station that dares to stoop lower than Jerry Springer!

The station that dares to stoop lower than Jerry Springer!

Yeah, we’re back with another dose of strange addictions.  Thank goodness they give us the warning at the beginning not to try this at home.  I was so close to nomming on my fruit shaped eraser.  It’s so realistic and smells good too!

Boobies Edition!

Boobies Edition!

This episode involves no eating of nonedible products, so yay!  It does, however, involve a lady so goofed up they devoted the entire episode just to her.  Or it might have been because TLC really liked seeing those ginormous boobs.

How big were they, Alice?  Dolly Parton looks like a Double Minus A cup compared to this woman.  Heck, the bride of Godzilla would probably have smaller mammary glands, and they’d be much more functional too.  If you’ve ever played a video game, or read comics, you know how insane they can get with drawing the boobs.  These chicks have boobs bigger than their heads.  It’s crazy.  This lady leaves them behind.  Way behind.  When I first saw this woman, my jaw dropped, and as you know, I’ve seen a lot of weird crap just working in a library.

But nothing quite like this . . .

But nothing quite like this . . .

Not only does she have a rack that can actually serve drinks (she demonstrates), she also has an enormous silicon-filled caboose.  It’s – just – I think even Sir Mix-A-Lot would be saying “Daaaaahmmmn, guuuurl!”  The thing is a bench.  You could probably sit on her comfortably, except then she’d fall over on her boobs and not be able to get up.  Really – she has to have help getting up if she lays on her back.  I can imagine all sorts of reasons this lady might be heading to the ER.  Suffocation is just one of them.

She has so much silicon in her boobs, that they weigh something like 20 pounds.  And they do party tricks.  If she puts a flashlight under her boobs, they light up from all the fluid.  They could make a science fiction movie based on this lady, and I can pretty much guarantee you’d get the usual demographic (18-25 year old males) filling the seats.

Lookie, her boobs double as jack-o-lanterns!

Lookie, her boobs double as jack-o-lanterns!

Her college aged son tries to persuade her to maybe drain the boobs a bit, but she surprises him with her decision to make them twice as big!  Poor kid.  It had to be fun having this lady as class mom.  Oops, got my boobs in the frosting!  Anyway, he expresses concern for her welfare, and says he wonders which she cares about more – her big boobs or her kids?  She skirts around it, but answer?  Boobs.

Her youngest child, a girl around nine, is the best part of the entire program.  They interview her, asking what she thinks about her mother’s boobs.  She says, “I like that they pay the rent, but they’re really weird.”  I love this kid.  Apparently, mom does modeling for people who like women with impossible proportions – I’m guessing car magazines.  But there’s the kid, saying it up front – maybe you make some money, but you’re a freak.  If your nine-year-old can figure this out, you might want to think it over, lady.

One melon plus one melon equals - I wonder if I can get them this size?

One melon plus one melon equals – I wonder if I can get them this size?

But thinking does not seem her strong suit.  Perhaps she has had some silicon injected into her brain along with her boobs, butt, oh and I forgot, her lips which look like someone smashed them in a meat processor and they swelled up into little sausages.  But clearly, this is not enough for her.  She needs more.

She visits the plastic surgeon, but even he just shakes his head, refusing to work on her because it will freaking kill her.  All that silicon is not very healthy, nor is going through that many surgeries.  Also he might be the only plastic surgeon to have actual qualms about working on someone who’s batshit crazy.  Besides the dangers of silicon and surgery, I’m not sure how she’d walk without toppling over, even with the substantial butt in back.  I don’t know how she does it now.  She can’t even find clothes to fit her warped body.  I mean, damn, even Barbie can find clothes.  Lots of them.

Just, um, wow.

I just . . . couldn’t think up a caption for this one.  Give it your best shot.

But she’s no Barbie, even if she does have enough plastic to be one.  At the end of the show, TLC reports that she has found a surgeon willing to do the operation in the next few months.  Wait for a news story about a woman’s boobs spontaneously combusting into flames.  I be it will be our girl!

What about you guys?  Have you ever considered plastic surgery?  What would you want to change?

Strange Addictions: Bieberfied?

Learn what you never wanted to know!

Learn what you never wanted to know!

This week on “Strange Addictions”, we get a lady eating beauty products, and a guy using plastic surgery to look like Justin Bieber.  I’m not sure which one is worse.  You can’t make this crap up.

Dun, dun, dunnnnn!

Dun, dun, dunnnnn!

First up, we have Brittoni, a lady who is a little confused about how makeup works.  Instead of putting it, say, on her face, she eats it.  She prefers eye shadow, but you know, it has to taste right.  Naturally.  So she goes to the store and shakes a little out and licks it to see if it is her flavor.  No reason to waste money on makeup that doesn’t taste good, am I right?  I’m never going to look at eye shadow quite the same way again.

Uh, there's a lady on aisle four licking the eye shadow . . .

Uh, there’s a lady on aisle four licking the eye shadow . . .

She decides to “come out” to her family, but here’s the kicker.  Mom and sister and she have this family tradition of making donuts and sprinkling baby powder on them.  When I first heard this, I thought I’d heard incorrectly.  Like, oh, that was powdered sugar, right?  Nopes.  We’re talking that stuff you’re supposed to be putting on a baby’s bum.

So the girl tells her family that she eats makeup, and they are totally understanding, cause they are eating baby powder donuts.  Just kidding.  They both act horribly shocked!.  Sister says “That is weird” as she takes another bite of a donut sprinkled with a Johnson & Johnson product.  Just – what?  They’re talking to her about how unhealthy this habit is, and how can she do this, – but – the donuts.  And the baby powder.  Lady, you’re holding the baby powder in  your hand while talking to your daughter and I just . . . nevermind.

She goes to the doctor at their suggestion (they are totes fine with their chemical laced donuts) and the doctor, not surprisingly, tells her eating makeup is not a good idea.  What gets me, though, is there’s no – hey, let’s figure out WHY you are eating makeup.  Either the girl has a nutritional deficiency major time, or she’s nuts, or maybe both, but – don’t just send her off with a warning.  I mean – I just – nevermind.

The girl does go on to quit her eye shadow addiction.  I’m guessing the baby powder donuts continue, though, cause totes normal.

You know how it says warning do not consume?  It was for guys like this.

You know how it says Warning: do not consume? It was for guys like this.

Next, we have Toby, a guy in his thirties who has been spending years and huge amounts of money to make himself look like . . . Justin Bieber.  Now, I think it’s kind of stupid to try to make yourself look like any pop star or actor but, really, Justin Bieber?  Couldn’t he at least have gone for someone with a little more testosterone?  Heck, Michael Bolton would be a better choice, dude, and his voice is higher than mine.

But this guy is convinced that Justin is the picture of gorgeous and  youthful, and he wants to be just like him.  I just don’t get it.  To me, Justin Bieber looks like a twelve-year-old who cuts his hair with a bowl.  Yet this guy is willing to go under the knife multiple times to completely reshape his face to resemble Justin’s.  Be afraid, Justin.  You just think being arrested is tough.  Wait till this guy finds you.

I just . . . don't . . . I . . . what?

I just . . . don’t . . . I . . . what?

He’s had operations I’ve never even heard of – forehead lifts, eyebrow lifts, hairline moved forward, nose jobs, chin reduction and implants, and holy cow who the hell does this?  TLC shows the before and afters and – frankly, our Toby looked better BEFORE he started all this stuff.  Which is not all that difficult.

He goes out to find more “Justin” like clothes, and tries to get people to guess who he looks like.  They don’t have a clue.  Undaunted, he says “Justin Bieber!” and they just blink.  Good grief.  He’s spent this much money, and he still doesn’t really resemble a guy he shouldn’t be trying to look like in the first place.  That is really, really sad.

He next goes to a plastic surgeon who is slightly concerned about all these surgeries he’s had, especially since TLC is there filming him.  When he suggests the dude invest his money in psychiatry (boy I hope he has savings), Toby just walks off.  He’ll just go to another plastic surgeon!  He doesn’t need help!  Nopes! Totally fine.

I wonder if the people on this show ever meet each other and then get together.  Maybelline girl and Bieber boy.  Wouldn’t that be a match made in Hell?

Strange Addictions: Night of the Living Dolls

The Ludicrous Channel!

The Ludicrous Channel!

Good news, or bad, depending on how you look at it.  I happened to catch “Strange Addictions” when it randomly showed up Tuesday night.  This episode?  People who want to be dolls.  Now, you know a show is really bad when this sounds incredibly normal.  I haven’t watched all of these – some are just clips or commercials – but so far they’ve covered people who eat:

toilet paper

deodorant

Comet

cat hair

And then there’s the people who have relationships with inanimate objects such as:

a car

inflatable animals

baby dolls they treat like real babies

Speaking of babies, there’s also the people who like to actually BE babies, complete with sleeping in a crib and, yes, wearing diapers.  I don’t even . . . anyway, so when I heard living dolls, I was like, aw, that’s not so bad.  I mean as long as they can distinguish fantasy from reality and . . . oh . . . nevermind.

First up is Ken, a fitting name since the guy wants to actually be a Ken doll.  I can’t imagine why any guy would want this.  I can’t even imagine why Barbie would want him.  He’s boring, he’s generic, he has no reproductive parts, and he’s made of plastic.  But, turns out, that’s what Ken really likes about him!  Yay!

I paused it, and got that triangle on his nose, and decided to leave it.

I paused it, and got that triangle on his nose, and decided to leave it.

Ken has had 25 plastic surgeries, and he looks like he’s still in his twenties.  Nose jobs, eyebrow lifts (he has a perpetual look of surprise), pectoral implants (I didn’t realize these existed except on Batman Halloween costumes) and so on.  TLC films him visiting another plastic surgeon who, after hearing he’s had 25 surgeries and wants more, looks at him kind of like this.

Pretty much how I looked too.

Pretty much how I looked too.

But it gets weirder, guys!  See he not only wants these implants, he designs the suckers.  He’s an artist!  So he designs the silicone he wants stuck under his skin in a surgical operation.  Personally, I think the guy’s had too much anesthesia.  So does the surgeon.  He says “You want this ideal . . . but it’s of a cartoon.”  Ken just says, nanner, I’ll find someone else, and goes back to his dream house.  Or something.

Next up is Emily.  She wants to be a doll too, but not a Barbie, that was another show.  (Like duh!) She wants to be some kind of rag doll type thing only with a wig and tall stockings and . . . the best I can come up with is Pedo dressing.  Cause you look like a little girl, but you’re not, so it’s okay, only it’s still kind of gross.  Or something.  It’s a big thing in Japan, and apparently there is anime that uses this theme and . . . to be honest I don’t know that much about Japanese culture. Except that these guys are probably the only country that can rival us in terms of outright weird.

From the TLC website: Dressing like this gives her confidence.  Ooookay.

From the TLC website: Dressing like this gives her confidence. Ooookay.

You know, if she just say wore this stuff at home in her spare time, whatevs.  People do all sorts of unusual stuff in their spare time, like reenacting the Civil War, or Medieval Times, or taking selfies for Facebook.  But this girl is tired of being in the closet, and wants everyone to accept her for who she is.  Noble intentions there, Emily, but somehow going job hunting dressed like that is really not the way to go.  The sad part of it is that she wants to be a doll because she doesn’t like herself as she is normally.  Ken liked himself a bit too much, but her not enough.

And then we have Venus.  No, that’s really her name.  She is sixteen, so dressing up like a doll is not quite as bizarre, cause she’s at least a little closer to actual childhood.  Shut up, this reasoning makes me feel better.  Anyway, what is odd is that her mother is very supportive of this, to the point that she spends a lot of money filming the kid for Youtube, where she is a famous star.  Granted, Muffy the kitten who plays with string is also a famous Youtube star, but I digress.  This girl has fans.  Who ask her to sign autographs, and talk about how she inspires them.  By – being a doll?  I’m not getting it.  On the plus side, she did get to go to Japan and be a model for their dolly clothing line, so at least she’s getting paid for being weird.

Think twice before saying your kid is cute as a little doll!

Think twice before saying your kid is cute as a little doll!

So that was this week’s episode.  Dolls.  Bonus if you caught that they were playing the theme to the Sims in the background.  Next week?  People who eat make-up.  I wonder if they prefer Cover Girl or Maybelline.

So what do you guys think?  Is dressing up like a doll weird or no?  Let me know in the comments section.  Do you do weird stuff when no one is looking?  Nevermind, I don’t want to know.