The big day is looming ever closer.  But there’s still time to waste your money on stupid stuff bring joy to the ones you love!  A good way to do that is to model for your children.  Let them have baby dolls that actually poop and vomit in order to prepare for a late parenthood, for instance.  But there’s so much more we can train up our children in, and why not use Christmas presents to do it?

In case you didn’t think this was IMPORTANT!!! I found this in the play doh section on amazon. No, really.

1. Model good eating habits!

Well, I don’t know about you, but this is pretty close to how I cook.  I give my kids fast food in order to show them that they shouldn’t eat fast food cause BAD.  Here’s  a way to further reinforce this idea, using burgers and fries made out of play-doh.  So like the real thing it’s scary!

Once your kids eat a few of these burgers, they’ll be turned off fast food for good!

2. Prepare them for future careers – like terrorist.

Practicing on your siblings is a good first step.

Don’t get me wrong, I realize that kids are gonna play cops and robbers and all that.  It’s mostly harmless.  I’ve used water guns and nerf guns and I haven’t gone rogue yet.  But this – this is a bit of overkill . . . er, um, a bit much that is.  Do we really need to train them to be snipers when they can just join Cobra or something?  But hey, don’t forget the grenades.

They actually tick and make BOOM sounds. Is it bad I kinda want some?

3. Be like Daddy – smoke like a chimney!

I actually remember eating these things.

Hey, Daddy smokes and turns his lungs to carbon, but it’s not really appropriate to give your kids real cigarettes till at least 3rd grade.  So what to do until then?  Candy cigarettes, that’s what!  I had them as a kid – I have no idea why.  They were awful, like those heart shaped Valentine candies from Hell.  But we ate them anyway cause sugar!

What really gets me is the bizarre nostalgia in these real comments:

That certainly does sound festive.   Did he just say “beef byproduct”?

You mean they used to make candy cigs that blew freaking smoke? I was robbed.

4. Teach your children about political activism – from the crib

It’s never too early to teach infants about the rest of the world!  They need to learn early about politics and the environment and controversial issues – preferably while still in those land-fill increasing Pampers.  Here are some examples.  Give one to your kid, or even better, a misguided friend’s kid!

No TV for me.  Entertain me 24 hours a day, please!

For the baby who is just plain TIRED of those biased children’s shows on TV these days.  That Dora with her communist agenda, or Bubble Guppies and their constant Pro-Life messages.  And what about that tree-hugging one with the sloth?  Is it still on, cause I think that could make you want to burn down a rain forest, that is unless . . .

Pave paradise, sew a onesie.

Sorry, baby, we totally ruined the environment before you got here.  Enjoy the acid rain.  Just make sure you vote right!

They make me cry too.

Aw, how sweet.  They have this available in “Democrats make me cry” too, for all the conservative babies out there.  I think it’s great.  Now my baby will be an automatic political detector, so I know who to avoid at parties.

Like this baby. Otherwise known as future hippie.

Maybe we should wait till kids are older to make them decide their opinions . . . pffft, nevermind!  Moving on to my favorite.

5.  Booze like Barbie!

There are a lot of people who get onto Barbie for projecting a bad body image with her giant bazooms.  But people, you had no idea.  Barbie also likes to knock down a few before going home to the Dreamhouse.  Observe:

Now Barbie can get drunk at her own bar!

This isn’t a joke.  It’s really a toy you can buy – for Barbie.  I found it on Amazon.  But that’s not all!  You can also buy this accessory.

What’s a bar without the hooch?

I’m so glad they made this stuff for our impressionable kids.  I can just see it – junior wearing his future Green Party shirt while smoking a candy cigarette and aiming at his little sister who is having her Barbie dolls get wasted.

Once again, I love my country.  Now get out there, soldiers, and get those presents!  Kids won’t manipulate themselves!

I think this shirt is a winner.