Tag Archives: political humor

New coping method: morbid humor

I was feeling a little down and maybe a teensy bit scared what with the country supposedly electing a giant orange cheeto racist sexist xenophobic highly dangerous manbaby to office.  Then, bit by bit, I started letting myself watch political comedy.  It’s where I get most of my news because at least they deliver it with less of a blow.

Well as much as possible as one can do that.

Anyway, I realized that I didn’t have to just hide in my blanket fort.  That’s not because things are all better now.  It’s not because everything is going to be okay.  It’s because you have to survive somehow, and I’ve survived quite a few unfunny things including chronic illness, depression, and anxiety with humor.  My post about my pneumonia got some of the best responses ever.  I was hilarious in my suffering.  Okay, not so much at the time. But when you look at life, there is madness, there is cruelty, but there is also that hope and love crap, and there is always a certain degree of the absolute ridiculous.  We live in Wonderland, now more than ever.

Alice meets Trump and Pence.

Alice meets Trump and Pence.

You might be asking “But, Alice, how can you call the crappery he is dishing out humorous?  He wants to register Muslims!  He wants to reverse all progress on civil rights!  He influences people to write “Trump” on Starbucks cups!”  Some people have talked about how to handle this.  Donate to a planned parenting clinic, or a support center for gay rights, or whatever other thing he’s planning on destroying in the next few years.  And that’s a good thing, but for me, I want something that gives people like our president-elect more of a kick in the . . . pants.

More on that in a bit.  I watched a clip of the Late Show, where Stephen Colbert, like so many of the rest of us, possibly even like Trump himself, is trying to make sense of what just happened.  No one knows, but the good thing is that while some of the stuff Trump wants to do, or at least is not opposed to doing, is truly horrible, there is quite a bit that is truly stupid, and as you know, I like to laugh at stupid people.

Stop being mean, Alice, stop ittttt!

Stop being mean, Alice, stop ittttt!

Here’s just a few:

Twitter:  The dufus is still tweeting.  And his tweets are just as intellectual as ever.  Like in response to the protests in the street, there was “Unfair.”  When a reporter asked one of his representatives why he was still tweeting, the man replied “Because it relaxes him.”  Right.  Ever thought of giving him a puzzle?  Maybe cookies and juice?  A nice long nap?  No?  Okay let him tweet.

Alone time: Trump tried to sneak out for a private dinner, avoiding the reporters. This would have been easier without the line of secret service cars running along with him.  You know how you wanted to be in the spotlight?  Now you are!  Every single second!  Enjoy!

Starbucks: Trump supporters, unhappy that the CEO of Starbucks endorsed Hillary Clinton, have decided to tell Starbucks employees to write “Trump” on their cups by way of protest.  Yes, you heard right. They are boycotting a coffee house by buying more overpriced coffee.  Nevermind the complete logic gap, what I find most amusing is that there are still Trump supporters.  I have something to say to these very confused people.

Psst: You won.  You can stop now.

What they don’t seem to realize is that, like when Obama was elected, people must eventually accept the peaceful transfer of power.  But they don’t have to enjoy it, and they don’t have to be nice about it either.  Yes, throwing bottles and lighting things on fire are not good, but for the most part, the protests have been peaceful. And there is more than one way to protest.  As Trevor Noah of The Daily Show said, while we cannot block this idiot, we can troll him.

Welcome to Hades, troll!

Welcome to Hades, troll!

And troll we will.  After one comedy show, I saw this comment, and I think it is awesome.

“The jokes are better now than they were for the last three months. Trump’s Presidency is going to be one hilarious moment after another until will all die.”

Think of it like a water slide.  There are going to be lots of twists and turns and you’re gonna hit some obstacles like say giant razor blades, but you don’t know when they are coming because you can’t see too far ahead, and you don’t want to, so you might as well enjoy the ride while you can.  And as far as the fear that Trump raises in people, fear I do not laugh at, I have this to say.

Trump wants all Muslims to register?  Here’s the plan.  It’s so simple, that I wish I had thought of it.  We all register Muslim.  Every one of us.  Of course we aren’t all really Muslim, but let him figure out which ones are which, and see how well that goes.  Even Megyn Kelly was freaked out about the idea of basing a registry of a group of people off the freaking Japanese Internment camps.  Same lady who argued that Santa and Jesus were white!.  If she’s freaked out, then a lot of other people are going to be as well.

This Megyn.  She's already regretting so many life choices.

This Megyn. She’s already regretting so many life choices.

That up there – registering as Muslim to protect other Muslims, is not a hashtag.  It’s an action.  And there are more actions you can take.  Remember how I mentioned you could donate to threatened organizations like Planned Parenthood or the Human Rights Campaign?  You totally should donate – even if it’s a dollar – and then, just like the Starbucks people, you should donate in someone else’s name.

Like Trump.  Or Pence.  Or anybody else you want.  They’ll get a thank you card in the mail. And won’t they be pleased!  You can even do this for your alt-right friends and family at Christmas, though I recommend not actually being there when the gift arrives.  Remember many of these people have guns.

So we aren’t helpless here.  We are in an awful situation, but we are not helpless.  And to those who are most at risk, they do not have to be alone. Because we are America.  And we can stand together to protect those who need it.  But don’t forget to get your jollies in at the same time.

Trump and Pence and their cronies are going to make a lot of people they hate very happy this year.

~Alice

Advertisements

Elsa vs Hans: The 2016 Arendelle Presidential Race

What, another election?  Don’t worry, this one will be blessedly short, which is great.  It also involves fictional people, which makes it even better.  Also it gives me something to do cause I’m bored.

As with all monumental decisions, it started with a Facebook post.

disneypresident-fb-1

Hans wasted no time getting his press coverage in.  On Facebook.  Of course.

disneypresident-fb2

Rapunzel had a good idea there.  Popcorn makes almost everything better.  I’m stocked in it for early next month.  Next came the search for campaign managers and running mates.  Yes, in this election the primaries were skipped because most Disney royalty are not stupid enough to run in an election.  They stayed with Facebook for candidates, because I kept losing my camera.  I mean it’s more efficient.  Better than Twitter anyway.  #twitterisforlosers

disneypresident-fb3

After whacking her head against some ice a few times, Elsa tries again.

disneypresident-fb-4adisneypresident-fb-4b

Oh, if only it were so easy, Elsa.  So many questions.  How DID Hans get out of prison this time?  Who is helping his campaign?  How many scandals will surface?  Will I find my camera or just have the whole thing done on Faceboook?  Shouldn’t we consider that for the next election?

Stay tuned.

~Alice

I can’t take it anymore: a timeline of the past year!

“Rock n Roller Cola Wars,

I can’t take it anymore!”

– Billy Joel

My only crime is pure awesomeness.

When did America turn into Game of Thrones?

“We Didn’t Start the Fire”. It’s a song by Billy Joel that goes through a history book picking out all the awesome (Television!) and not so awesome (Vietnam!) things that had gone on in his life up until around the 1980s.  I believe he ended with “Rock n roller cola wars, I can’t take it anymore.”  Well, Billy, you really didn’t guess what was coming up next.

I did a “We Didn’t Start the Fire” type post a few years ago.  But I still stopped up way too early.  So I figured, why not take the last year or so and see what happens?  Hint: Very bad things. And a few, I guess, are good.  Please note: I faithfully did a Google search from July 2015 to October of 2016 and it seems most timelines tend to stop before 2015.  There is a reason for this.  No matter, trust in Alice and Wikipedia and such.  I have split this post because it got so long.  Like the past year.  So, so, so long.

 

July 2015

Oregon makes marijuana legal.  Just in time.

Scott Walker, jerk Wisconsin governor with a personal vendetta against those fat cat teachers, announces his run for President.  wee.

The U.S. and Iran talk nukes.  Or something.  Whatever.

President Obama questions the use of solitary confinement in U.S. prisons.  For prisoners anyway.  Politicians on the other hand . . .

A gunman opens fire.  At two military institutions, a crowded theater, and more.  I’m sure we will nip this thing in the bud soon.

John Kasich becomes the 16th person to seek nomination of the Republican party.  Yup.  SIXTEENTH.

 

August 2015

Street corner sized sinkhole forms in Brooklyn, New York.  I see foreshadowing for this year.

First debate before the 2016 Republican Primaries is held.  Conservative white dudes as far as the eye can see.  Also Ben and Carly.  Also Donald Trump (more like circus peanut than dude), but who would take HIM seriously?

Jon Stewart, in an effort to preserve sanity (he had no idea), retires from the Daily Show

Subway starts to really regret hiring that Jared guy.

More people shot.  To change things up, someone goes after people in a movie theater this month with an ax.  Netflix looking much better.

McDonald’s and Tyson foods horrified that a Tennessee based farm “stomps on chickens”.  No stomping before deep frying – it’s a rule.

 

September 2015

Just keep in mind that people are shot every month.

Clerk Kim Davis refuses to sign marriage licenses for same-sex couples.  It’s sort of her job to sign her name on stuff, so she gets in trouble.  Republicans make her a hero.

Stephen Colbert succeeds David Letterman as Late Night host.  Humor is all that will get us through.

Police in Irving, Texas agree to drop charges on that kid who carried an alarm clock to school.  Guns = good.  Alarm clocks = bad.

Rick Perry, hated even by Republicans in TEXAS, drops out of the race.  So does Scott Walker.  Awwws.

Pope Francis visits the U.S. and does a lot of important things but no one remembers anything except for Kim Davis crashing his party.

 

October 2015

Unemployment rate drops to 5 percent, the same as when the recession hit in 2007.  But Obama is still a Muslim commie.

Jim Webb drops out of the Democratic race.  Who was he again?

Hillary Clinton answers 8 hours worth of questions on that Benzhai thing.  Next up, Republicans plan to force her to watch 8 hours of Fox News – she’ll really give up her secrets then.

That other guy no one knew drops out of the Democratic presidential race.  No one notices.

World Health Organization finds that sausage and ham and everything you love causes Cancer.

 

November 2015

Newspapers report that like, oil companies knew fossil fuels were bad for the environment.

At the Republican debate, 7 candidates try to team up on Trump, hurling mud, insults, and threatening to tell Mom.  Well that last one was just Jeb.

At the Democratic debate, Hillary and Sanders argue about health care and other blah stuff, while O’Malley waves his hand wildly, hoping to speak.

More gunmen, but one baseball team beats another one, so hooray!

 

December 2015

More people drop like flies from the presidential race.  Everyone’s waiting for Trump to shout “Just kidding!” and leave.

Terrorist attack in San Bernardino.  Donald Trump has the answer – ban all Muslims, just to make sure.  Yet he’s still in the race.

Two other guys drop out though.

Bill Cosby gets an arrest warrant.  No more pudding for him.

“This is not the type of campaign we run” – said by Bernie Sanders in a Democratic debate.  Sorry, Bern, seems this IS the kind of campaign we run.  Extra crispy crazy.

 

January 2016

Artists boycott the Oscars because there aren’t enough African Americans nominated.  A lot of America boycotts it because it’s so boring.

Zika virus appears.  Donald Trump calls for banning all mosquitoes from the United States.

Jeb releases entertaining political ads, such as the one where he calls Trump a jerk.  No really.

The International Atomic Energy Agency says Iran has dismantled their nukes.  United Nations gives them a pat on the back.  Many Americans say “Wait, there were nukes?”

 

February 2016

North Korea launches a long range rocket into space in a desperate bid for attention.

Poor Democratic nominee Martin O’Malley (can I talk?  can I talk NOW?) drops out.  Sanders and Hillary too busy hissing and scratching to notice.

Former Prez Jimmy Carter picks Trump over Cruz.  Cruz, dude, that’s just not good.

Quitting the Republican race: Jeb! (sadly the only partially sane candidate), Carly Fiorina (standing witchface), and Rand Paul (really a Libertarian unicorn).

Supreme Court Justice Scalia dies, and people mourn for roughly five seconds before pondering who gets his seat.

 

Stay tuned for Part Two – if you darrre.

Alice and the Things take on the 2nd Presidential Debate

trump-vs-clinton1

Or as much as we could stomach of it.  Which was about one hour.  Though as soon as Donald made one comment in an earlier video (minutes before it actually started) Thing Two said she was done.  But she soldiered on.  They are asked questions from an audience of uncommitted voters and moderators.  I remember Anderson, but forget the other moderator and don’t want to look it up.  I tried to break up the different questions, but it’s honestly hard to tell.  Here it goes:
Anderson Cooper – Hello and welcome.
Thing One : Anderson’s thinking “Kill me now.”
First audience question: Do you think this election has been good for kids since it could have had “mature rating”. Are you modeling appropriate behavior for today’s youth?
As Hillary rambles, Donald is making faces behind her. Especially frowns when Hillary says I want your vote, but I think we should bring the country together.
Trump: Yeah, everything she said. I started this campaign because I was tired of what was going on in the country. I can’t believe I’m saying this about myself, but I guess I am a politician.
Me: I can’t believe you’re a politician either
Thing One: I think he’s making up percentages. Neither one is answering the question. It’s just more about their campaigns.
Me: Yeah I had to look at the question again cause I totally forgot.
Thing One: He’s talking so softly. Maybe Trump IS sick from the air sniffing.
Anderson Cooper: And grabbing women’s . . .
Thing One: This is NOT age appropriate.
Trump: Well we have terrorists chopping off heads . . .
Me: Wait, what?  Are we talking about women now, or terrorists, or . . .
Thing Two: I don’t like this
Thing One: Go check on our cinnamon rolls
Anderson: So you never touched women without their consent?
Trump: I have always had respect for women
Me: That’s why I call them big and fat.
Trump: Gonna build borders
Thing One: What does that have to do with women?
Thing Two: Mom, look at Hillary’s face. She looks bored.
Hillary: I’ve disagreed with other candidates but never questioned their ability to be president. Donald Trump is not fit to be president. He’s nasty to women, POWs, Muslims, everyone else, etc. Oh snap
Thing One: Trump is starting to walk around now
Thing Two: I think Trump’s lip is falling off his face. Donald, you orange freak.
Hillary: We are great because we are good. (huh?) And we will get people to behave again.
Thing One: If we have to put everyone in time-out corner.
Trump: I want to answer on this. Blah blah blah Hillary words blah blah.
Moderator: Mr. Trump please stop talking
Trump: She gets to talk and I don’t? Whine.

trump-vs-hillary-2
Moderator: Here’s an online campaign question. Something about shameful actions – choose one. And you have two minutes.
Trump: Did I mention I have great respect for women?  Oh and Bill Clinton. And Hillary’s mean too.
Applause cause of what he just brought up, which was – I’m not even sure what the question is – did it change?  It’s not up on the board so we can’t tell.
Hillary: I am reminded of what my friend Michelle Obama (did I mention MICHELLE?) said – when they go low, you go higher. (higher cheers) Brings up the Muslim family whose son died in combat. He never apologized to this person, to this person, to this person . . . he owes our country an apology
Me: They both do.
Trump: You owe other people an apology – I saw vicious commercials of Michelle talking about you – talk about friend, nanner. And Bernie Sanders, you didn’t win fair and square.  I suddenly care about this.
Thing Two: Trump says: In third grade I got in trouble for being racist . . .
Me: He would never admit that..
Trump: I didn’t think I would say this but . . . (yeah right) when I’m president I am going to get a special prosecutor to look into your situation.
Thing One: Hillary is smiling so wide, ha ha!
Me: Now she’s actually laughing silently
Hillary: (thrilled – she may break out into another dance) It is good that someone with the temperament of Donald Trump is not in charge.
Trump: Cause you’d be in jail
Applause. No, really.
Anderson: Quit wasting time.

trump-vs-hillary-3
Other moderator: Yes let’s. Now Hillary about your emails.
Me: AGAIN? Yes let’s not waste time.
Hillary: Yeah I was kinda dumb but haven’t they kinda already grilled me on this enough? Also I had a lot of secrets cause I was Secretary of State (unlike youuu Donald) and so there was classified info.
Trump: She didn’t know the letter “c” on a document.
Thing One: She got a grade on her document?
Thing Two is laying down with headphones listening to music.
Thing One: Wait he’s going against Republicans now? That’s not helping.
Me: Thing Two, I smell Republicans. Wait, I mean cinnamon rolls.
Moderator: We need to move on.
Trump: Ramble, ramble.
Moderator: Please let her respond
Trump: Ramble ramble ramble.
Hillary: I know, Donald, you want to distract things since the Republicans are all dumping youuuu.
Trump: What about emails?

trump-vs-hillary-4
Another audience question finally: Obamacare hasn’t helped much. How will you bring costs down, etc?
Moderator: That’s for you, Hillary
Hillary: Oh he can take it.
Thing One: Yes go for it, mess yourself up
Moderator: No you, Hillary.
Thing Two begins making a representation of the debate with Yoda, a bear, an inflated palm tree, a cardboard Zelda shield, and tiny anime people. I don’t understand it, but it makes as much sense as anything else.
Trump starts rambling about how Obamacare BAD.
Anderson: Time up Trump! Oh, uh, Hillary didn’t your husband say Obamacare was stupid?
Hillary is very smooth picking up on this. I still don’t understand it, but hey she’s cool about it.
Hillary: It was meant to do all these things . . . So 20 million people do have health insurance which is something. If we rip it off we give it back to the insurance cause . . .
Anderson: Time is up. (probably takes a stiff drink)
Trump rambles on. Anderson attempts to direct the question. In any direction.
Trump: It’s gonna be so good.
Anderson: But specifics on what you’re doing?
Trump: It was a fraud. Competition. And stuff.

trump-vs-hillary-5
Audience question: Uh I’m a Muslim. What are you going to do about Islamaphobia?
Trump: That’s too bad, but hey you guys are all terrorists. And Obama and Hills won’t say the word. They won’t, they won’t.
Thing Two: Cinnamon rolls are burnt, just like the state of our country.
Hillary: Dangerous talk about your people, a gift to terrorists. We aren’t at war with Islam.
Moderator: What about the Muslim ban?
Trump: By the way that Muslim captain whose parents I made fun of? If I had been president, he’d still be alive
Me: Cause he’s like God?
Moderator: Could you please tell if the Muslim ban stands? You know, the question I asked.
Trump: Hillary and Obama want tons of Muslims. Trojan horse!
Moderator: Will you take these Syrian refugees in when they might be dangerous?
Hillary: There are children suffering, etc. We are not carrying the load of Europe. We have vetting.
Thing One: Pretty sure these guys just want to get away from war not be troublemakers.
Me: That makes too much sense, Thing One.
Hillary: You were for the war on Iraq, Trump, it’s on tape.  Like real tape.
Trump: No I wasn’t. You were for it.
Moderator: Okay . . .
Trump: Hey she got 25 more seconds earlier. There are really bad people coming in.
Thing One: And uh some are just normal families?
Thing Two is using a Gaston doll from Beauty and Beast to talk: How about I run for president! I would be perfect!

trump-vs-hillary-6
Moderator question: Wikileaks stuff. Hillary you said you had a private and a public position on it? Is that being two-faced?
Hillary: Uh, that quote was from me talking about a movie on Abraham Lincoln.
Thing Two with Gaston: I will make sure all women are treated bad and all books are banned!
Me: He’s like a good looking Trump.
Thing Two: The debate: Poopy face, Poopy head!
Thing One is making Elsa fly.
Trump: She’s blaming the lie on Abraham Lincoln. Honest Abe never lied.
Thing One: Really? You know this?
Trump: Russians. They aren’t really hacking. I know nothing about about Russians.
Me: Well true, except Putin.
Thing Two: I think I know who the liar is.
Trump goes on about how much taxes he has paid. Hillary stands there and smiles broadly.
Thing Two: Hillary “I smell something fishy. It’s Trump!”

trump-vs-hillary-7
Person in audience: What would you do to change the tax code?
Thing Two: the worst job in the world is moderator
Trump: blah blah negative ads blah Hillary complains but hasn’t helped stuff blah I’m lowering taxes for corporations
Me: Yes that would help.
Hillary is most fun to watch while Trump speaks. Blink. Blink.
Thing One: Do the rich still pay their fair share? Question mark. No, not gonna answer? Nope, figures.
Hillary is shaking her head.
Thing Two: Hillary looks like she has a Vanilla Ice song in her head, gettin’ down.
Hillary: I hate to keep saying everything he says is a lie (but I will). Kinda funny that he has avoided so many taxes and he’s telling about how he’ll fix it.  In my plan, nobody who makes less than 250,000 will be taxed.
Me: Well girls, we are very very VERY safe on her plan. Take off the 2, you got a little more than our combined salaries. Aren’t there commercial breaks???
Thing Two is talkingThing One: Thing Two, I’m trying to understand this debate even though it makes no sense.
Trump: Much of my tax stuff is depreciation -that made Hillary’s head jerk up. Now she’s grinning open mouthed as he goes on.
Trump: It’s all talk and no action.
Thing Two: Mee mee mee mee
Thing One: Bernie is getting tired of Trump using his quotes too much.
Thing Two: I miss Bernie. He’s better than them.
Trump: Why didn’t you do anything as senator?
Hillary: Cause I was under a Republican president.
Snap! Applause. Clearly this is a one line zinger debate.
Thing Two: Hillary should get it. 1. Political experience. 2. Not Trump 3. Nice earrings 4: Balances out what’s in her mind.
Thing One: She’s like an old Elsa!
Thing Two: Trump is thinking “all around me are familiar facesss”
We’ve all lost track of what’s going on.

trump-vs-hillary-9
Moderator: Mr. Trump we’re gonna move on. We’re gonna move on. Move on. Okay solve the humanitarian crisis in Syria. Two minutes.
Hillary is talking. The girls are starting to snap at one another, there is the an inflatable tree involved.
Me: How many minutes are we in?
Thing One: It’s 9:04 – it’s been an hour.
Thing Two: I want to go to bed now.

T.V. goes off.  Snap!

Hope you enjoyed out report from the front.  If anything else happened, we have no idea, nor do we care at this point. We’re not even sure what happened while we were watching.  There’s only so much sanity you can spare.  Be sure and let us know.

~Alice

 

New Presidential Test!

I’ve been thinking about how to reform our election system.  At first I considered just having a boxing match, but you know how much trouble that would be, right?  First it really wouldn’t be fair with older or female candidates, who might not have the same strength as younger, hotter opponents.  Unless we’re talking Bernie Sanders or Hillary Clinton, both of whom I’m pretty sure would be very scary out in the ring.  I wouldn’t go up against them.

Wait, this actually happened?  Obama is like pumped!

Wait, this actually happened? Obama is like pumped!

You know we’d be talking major doping here (more than just being a dope, taking drugs) and selecting surrogate champions.  He who has the most dollars can hire the best boxers!  And we’d have boxer lobbyists, and endorsements from Nike, and so on.  So boxing is out, even if it would be massively more entertaining than primaries, secondaries, caucuses, etc.  It would work quite well for protestors.  Just let the Bernie lunatic fringe and the Trump supporters go at it in one big ring, see what happens.

But what about a test?  I mean we expect our kids to take a ridiculous amount of tests, so why not our candidates?  These could be oral questions, but they would be yes / no and multiple choice, so no dancing around the topic like in debate.  We are not giving them essay or short answer tests – we know how well that works.  I have a lot of experience taking tests, so I have some good ideas for questions.

Get your thinking caps on, politicians!

Get your thinking caps on, politicians!

1.Do you use Twitter?  Yes or No. 

No equals 10 points.  Yes is automatic dismissal

2. Did you watch Sesame Street and / or Mr. Rogers as a child?

Yes equals 1o points.  No equals no cookies for YOU.

Cookie Monster would have had my vote!

Cookie Monster would have had my vote!

3. Which of these did NOT happen in the Bible?

A. Stoning people

B. Healing people

C. God giving Moses the Bill of Rights

D. A great, big, beautiful flood

Answer C 10 points.   That was tricky! We all know it was Jesus who gave us the Constitution.

Totally how it happened.

Totally how it happened.

4. What do you think of really tall walls?

A. We’re just another brick in it.

B. Walls gooood!

C.  Why are we discussing walls again?

Answer A and C 10 points.  5 more if you know who wrote The Wall!

One giant leap to America!

One giant leap to America!

5. What is your favorite amendment to the Constitution and why?

A. 2nd amendment cause it means we can all tote at least 10 machine guns, shoot people, and still get votes.

B. 1st amendment because it guarantees my freedom to curse and demean people who don’t follow the freedom of MY religion which is the ONLY religion.

C. There are more than 2 amendments?

D. All of the above!

E. None of these are right, you moron.

A, B, C, D – no points.  E 10 points.  Signed check to me means any answer is right. 10 points

Go ahead and repeal this one, right?

Go ahead and repeal this one, right?

6. What is the most important issue affecting the American people?

A. The GAYZZZ

B. Mexican Muslim rapist terrorists – they’re everywhere waiting to kill you!

C. Donald Trump. Oh, God, Donald Trump.

Answer C.  10 points.  No, Bernie, I didn’t list food, shelter, and medical care for all.  Gawd.

I AM THE CHAAAAAMPIIIOOOON!

I AM THE CHAAAAAMPIIIOOOON!

7. Does Canada look really good this time of year?  Yes or No.

Yes – 10 points.  No – you clearly haven’t been paying attention.  O points and no beer.

8. Is it okay to lie, cheat, and steal?  Yes or No.

Yes if you don’t get caught.  10 points.  No if you are too dumb to hide your evidence. -10 points

Please quit writing emails.  All crooks now use texting.  Keep up.

Please quit writing emails. All crooks now use texting. Keep up.

9. I don’t like the candidate for my party.  What should I do?

A. Vote for the candidate for the opposite party.  Sure, why not?

B. Vote for a third party.  Like the Unicorn party.

C. Vote for the candidate you’re given and LIKE IT.

D. Throw a big temper tantrum.

Answer – Vote for anyone who isn’t Trump, then run to Canada.  10 points.

Write in Sparklepony for President today!

Write in Sparklepony for President today!

10. How soon should you start campaigning for President?

A. As soon as the new president is elected.

B. No more than 6 months ahead of time.

C. Never.

Answer – C, C, C always go for C.  10 points

Okay, so maybe this isn’t the best test ever, but it’s a start.  Anyone have ideas for other questions we should ask?  Let me know in the comments below!

~ Alice

The Republican and the Democrat: A Love Story Part Two

We’re back with Thing Two’s captivating story of two vampires people torn apart by POLITICS.  Can the two ever be together, what with the probable different number of chromosomes?  Let’s find out in part two of: The Republican and the Democrat: A Love Story.

 

CHAPTER THREE

GUNS, GUNS AND MORE GUNS
Ken went on the wonderful web and looked for a good lookin’ dating website for him to find a new gal.

“Hey this one looks swell.” He took a deep breath and started on Democrathotties.com

Name: Kennedy

Gender: male

Voting for: Bernie Sanders

Hobbies: Having long debates on the beach

More about ME: My favorite color is blue, my favorite animal is a donkey, and my uncle is

Bernie Sanders, and I live in a cardboard house since I donated all my money to orphans, plus I’m poor….cool right!!!???

*insert hawt picture*

Before he had decided which angle, or whether he wanted to have his shirt on or not for his “hawt” picture, he got 2 requests already. The first girl was named Bindi Roosevelt, who also liked Donkeys. The other girl was named Katy Reagan…and her picture had her in a red bikini, next to 3 guns. Being bewildered on how such a Republican appeared on a Democratic dating site, he rejected both. His dog started to howl loudly as he finally took his needed picture and went to bed …. dreaming about rich little Marsha.

Ken on his cardboard computer in his eco-friendly cardboard house - with wifi.

Ken on his cardboard computer in his eco-friendly cardboard house – with wifi.

 

CHAPTER FOUR

ELEPHANT CROSSING

It was decided, Ken was going on a date with Harley Quinn Willson.  Ken got into his eco-friendly gear and set off  to meet a new companion.  Ken road his special hot pink, gas reduced, Beatles signed (its not REALLY signed by the Beatles…he just happened to mistake a man with a long fringe cut walking down the street for Ringo.) flower smelling bike of magic. On the way to the meeting place, a quick yet sincere thought whipped past his mind…maybe……. just maybe……..he could get a Ringo haircut.

Ken finally got to the internet cafe where he was to meet his new more than friends friend (hopefully). He parked his Beatle bike and swayed into the cafe. He sat down at a table and made sure that no crumbs had stayed undefeated with a brush of his hand …. and he waited.

 

CHAPTER FIVE

MARSHA’S TURN

Marsha put on her black Prada sandals, and put up her coat. She checked her bed for BB’s, and texted her new boyfriend who went by the name “Chad” which most likely stood for Courageous Happy-go lucky Amazing Democrat hater. A knock came from the north of the house…it was Chad!

“Hey!!” Marsha was so excited to get to know this new man. “Hi Chad!”

“Actually my name is Alejandro, I just shortened it to Chad.” Marsha couldn’t find what sounded weird about that but who cares!!??

“Well, are we ready?” he asked.

Masha got on her billion dollar hat worn by the queen of England.  “Yep! All ready!!”

They set off on their journey to the cafe.

“Hey…this place sounds good, maybe we can eat here.” he said.

Marsha thought it was a great idea…it smelled pretty good in there. They walked in and Marsha sat down while Chad grabbed some napkins. Marsha looked around the place, it looked pretty nice except….

             Kennedy was there!!!!

*****

The suspense is killing you, I’m sure.  We’ll find out what happens next in part three of the thrilling saga of those political lovebirds.  Thing Two was kind enough to leave a message for me at the end of her writing.  Here it is.

*Dear mom, if you are reading this then your prob editing…just so you know, your doing a great job and i love you*

I have pretty amazing kids.

Alice

Reality Campaign Sent Me to the ER

Wellllll . . . this election has just . . . shuffled along like a long, drawn out bunch of fillings without Novocaine.  You can’t just fill them at once, it has to be one, two, maybe five at a time.  And there’s 50 teeth, guys, 50 rotten teeth, and somehow, I think it’s gonna hurt when it’s all over no matter what they put in those cavities.

Stephen Colbert has compared the election to a reality show, and I think that’s even better than my dental plan.  It’s also why I believe that if anyone is going to sponsor these candidates, it should be these guys.

From the people who brought you Toddlers and Tiaras, it's the 2016 Presidential campaign!

From the people who brought you Toddlers and Tiaras, it’s the Amazing 2016 Presidential Race!

I have covered several TLC shows in the past, including one where a guy was in love with his car (Trump supporter?), and none of them have compared to this campaign.  We had another five states vote in the third Super Tuesday (how many Super Tuesdays can you have?  Should some be called Super-Duper Tuesday, or even EXTREME Tuesday?) and Trump and Hillary made a pretty clean sweep.  But if you think the other candidates are going to give up, clearly you have never watched an episode of The Bachelor.  These guys (and gal) are going to get that rose, er, nomination, if they have to send people to the ER to do it.

We have had a few drop-outs, so the Republican candidate field has gone from 19 and Counting to three.  Carson made the bold decision to quit when he slept through the last few debates and woke up to find out he’d been voted off the island by pretty much everyone.  Rubio quit too, but he and his boots have great opportunities ahead, like an appearance on What Not To Wear very soon.  So now the Republicans have Trump, Cruz, and Kasich.  Kasich won one state, the only state he’s won so far, but he’s happy, so we’ll just leave him with his car, er um dreams. Just like I’m gonna live in my bubble, cause Trump and Cruz make me want to eat a whole box of baby powder donuts and wash it down with some hot sauce.

Who can't identify with this?

Who can’t identify with this?

You might think I am ignoring the Democrats because I’m a biased somewhat-moderate lib’ral who votes Democrat because they come closest to getting some of the stuff I want (like food).  This is true, but it’s also because the Democrats are just plain dull beside the Republicans.  Sure Hillary has her emails and trail of Secret Obsessions and Crazy Addictions, and Bernie waves his hands in the air like he just doesn’t care causing his hair to electrify, but it just doesn’t compare to the total boobs the GOP has right now.  I should also point out that I don’t hate Republicans – just their politics (Some of my friends are Republican so I’m totally not prejudiced.).  Unless they are politicians, then it’s a pretty safe bet I hate them.

So now it’s down to Cruz and Trump, two candidates that even the Republican party itself hates with a passion.  I did do a little digging into their pasts (not just for Repubs anymore!) and I found some great dirt on Cruz.  If you’ve been reading, you know I already reported that Ted Cruz is suspected of being the Zodiac killer.  But did you know he was also in a Christian metal band?  It’s totally TRUE.  Just look at the proof.

COINCIDENCE? I think not.

COINCIDENCE? I think not.

So now we know that Ted Cruz was not only in a metal band while serial killing his fellow Canadians, he is also a politician who is probably related to a cartoon character named Droopy Dog.  The evil is staggering, honestly.  And then there’s Trump, who is a failed businessman reality star tanning bed victim circus clown politician who rolls around in his money vault like his uncle, Scrooge McDuck.

Donald's first act as President will be putting his face on the currency.

Donald’s first act as President will be putting his face on the currency.

Would I lie about any of this?  Absolutely not.  But I should point out that Ted Cruz can see into your soul with his beady little eyes and make your brain explode.  Also Donald Trump is really a leprechaun.  So be careful with your votes.

What truly amazes me is that even after winning those four states by a YUGE margin, Donald was still ticked off enough to whine about how he has had way more negative ads targeted at him than anyone in campaign history.  Talk about a victory speech!  It looked rather like this.

I can't believe I won quack quack quack quack quack!

I can’t believe I won quack quack quack quack quack!

No one on Big Brother or Bachelor Pad could compare with the antics of the Republican contenders, and I have to say that I mourn the passing of the ones who have fallen, whoever they were.  The Real Politicians of the GOP will live on, as long as the Republican party itself!

At least they will all be welcomed with welcome, opening arms by TLC.  So many shows for them to choose from!  Politician and Pregnant (I want this one for Ben Carson), I Didn’t Know I Was a Politician (shoe-in for half of the former Republican candidates), My Five Wives (Donald Trump), Dumb People Dumber World (any of them), Toddlers and Tiaras (Donald Trump), Here Comes Droopy Boo Boo (Ted Cruz), What Not to Wear – or say – or do (Marco Polo Rubio), Politics: Buried Alive (all of us).

Be prepared, American viewers.  This is all you’re gonna see for a long, long time.  Have a nice day, and wonderful fruit salad life.

Alice