Tag Archives: politics

A Tale of Skippy

You know, I said to myself, I said, “I am not going to deal with this whole political thing anymore.  Nope.  I can’t.  I have my own problems like depression, anxiety, disease of the week, parasites, laundry, etc.  So I am just going to Let it Go.  Yeah, staying out of it.  I mean, sure, he’s an idiot, but you know – how much could he really do?”

Whyyyyyy

I’m a snarky, sarcastic cynic who likes to brag about her dark soul, and yet somewhere, deep inside, there is this stupid thing called . . . optimism?  There is.  It’s there.  My counselor told me about it.  She said, “Alice, you are a cynic, but you still hope!”  And she’s right.  I do!  Even though I absolutely know that people are awful, I, for some reason I’m still not sure of, continue to think people are basically decent humans.  I just . . . assume this in spite of increasing evidence to the contrary.  I’ll give you an example.

For roughly the length of the 2016 political race, I was working on an exhibit about the presidents of the university for which I work.  Yes, more presidents.  Most of them were okay.  But we did have a Trump.  His name was even the same as an insect.  No one could get rid of him, though, because he had Congress and the Senate, er, the board of regents on his side.  Even though just about every faculty member hated him, and voted to have him removed, he stayed.  For SIX YEARS that luckily I was not at that university, he stayed.  Yes, it’s true.  I got to write about him, too, but because one member of that board of regents is still active politically around here and because it’s considered uncouth and embarrassing to admit that this guy effectively shut down academic freedom at our university, and heck,  freedom of speech, I had to spin doctor this biography.  I mentioned that he caused “controversy”, which made my boss cough out a snicker, but that hey, there were some things he did that didn’t destroy the fabric of education.  Yeah.  I felt kind of slimy after that.

But anyway, while working on this exhibit, I had the aid of a student worker.  I’ll call him “Skippy” cause that’s what I actually did call him when he wasn’t there, and that was before I realized just what a little twerp he was.  He just looked like a Skippy.  Right, so we’d had plenty of student workers before, and I’d never had a problem with any that worked in library archives with me.  In fact, I actually told one, jokingly but not, to please lower his standards cause he was making me look bad.  This kid actually chose to go back to China instead of stay with us.  So we got Skippy, and Skippy was different.  He addressed my boss and me by “Mrs.” and last name.  We told him just call us by first names.  So I got to be “Miss Alice”.  I felt like either a Sunday school teacher or a plantation owner.

Skippy was like a younger version of one of these guys. Only not as likable, and no dog to guide him.

Skippy was like a younger version of one of these guys. Only not as competent, and no dog to guide him.

That was just the beginning.  He also didn’t know how to do anything himself and would constantly ask what to do next.  Who does that?  If I have nothing to do, I’m going to find something, and it’s going to be something that looks workish.  But not this kid.  So we gave him plenty to do.  And it was so easy. I found pictures in old yearbooks, and sticky noted them, and handed them to him.  Scan this.  Easy.  Did he scan them?  No.  Or he did, and somehow he did a horrible job of it.  He did like to read the old newspapers, which rarely had much in them of use, but he tired me out so much it was like, yeah, you do that.  But we did warn him, and my boss and I were very, very explicit in this – write on the back where you found the picture or article, the date, and what it is about.  So he – did not.  So we told him again, to please look these things back up and write them down.  He did.  He wrote useful things like “Dr. Polk giving a speech.”  Well, thanks, Skippy, I knew that was Dr. Polk, and I know he’s giving a speech cause he’s standing at a podium.  But what is the speech about?  When was the speech?  Where was the speech?  Where is your source?  Skippy didn’t know.

We told him to do it again.  Meanwhile, I am working on biographies of the presidents that weren’t insects.

Skippy finally, finally labels the pictures and information he has collected.  Hallelujah.  Skippy then leaves, as it was a summer internship.  We were so happy to see him go.  I start putting his pictures in with the ones I collected.  And everything is going well.  And then I, for some reason, needed to check something in the yearbook.  And I discovered that – and for some reason, this surprised me – Skippy made a bunch of crap up.  His labels were WRONG.  He guessed, and guessed badly, where these people were, when these things took place, etc etc etc.  Wow.  So, basically, I had to go backwards and dig up where all this research, some of which, remember, I handed right to him, came from.  He actually made my job harder.

I don’t like Skippy much.  If he shows up and says “Hi, Miss Alice,” I’m really not responsible for hurling a 1925 yearbook at his stupid little head.

But back to what I wrote out way up there, about our country’s insect, Donald Trump.  I was going to stay out of politics, since I had my own troubles.   Yet – I look up  – and wow, that bad.  Less than two weeks and – that bad.  He is like Skippy, who at least has the excuse of being 20 years old.  Trump, or Cheeto as I like to call him, screws up, he screws up massively, and then he lies about it.  And we – are surprised.  Because for some reason, that little bit of optimism just won’t die already.

He can’t even do awful stuff right either.  Even if you think that the statue of Liberty with her give us your cold, weary, yearning to breathe free crap should be melted down for scrap for the pipeline those Native Americans totally need, you don’t just issue an executive order effective immediately.  At least have some organization to your bigotry.  Instead, he messes stuff up on a global scale.  People are stranded at airports.  American citizens are detained, including a five-year-old who is handcuffed.  And his people defend him.  And I – am amazed.  Twenty executive orders in ten days.  This from the party who complained that Obama had too many, even though Bush had already surpassed him.

I actually want George W. Bush back.  We’ve gone that far.  Already.

This guy.

This guy.

So people are protesting.  But don’t worry, cause Republicans across the country are working at getting that whole pesky protesting stuff shut down too by writing new laws into the books!  Cause freedom of religion, freedom of speech, freedom of decency, yeah, none of those are needed.  Yet people voted for this guy.  They voted for him.  Or they just stayed home and did nothing, effectively still voting for him.  Just – just thank God we don’t have to worry about Hillary’s emails.  Skippy supporters, you did the right thing!

I’m lying.  No you didn’t.  My sixteen-year-old shouted at the television “You are the president!  Presidents don’t call people “dude”!  Is he ten?”  I think that’s too mature.  Let’s not forget he also mentioned “bad dudes” in a tweet.  A presidential tweet.  This is really happening.

I guess all this idiocy did one thing.  It brought me out of cave of self indulgent misery, into the world of misery.  Yay.  But good news, because I found some great Cheeto merchandise we can all use.  Like a voodoo doll.  I might even create a contest for people to WIN one.  If I can think of one.  Thing Two suggested political Haiku.  Thing One said “No, those will be awful.”  Which is sort of the point, but maybe we’ll think of something.

Got any ideas?  Let me know in the comment section.  It’s down there.  If you skipped reading this post, just make up a response.  I will probably believe it.  Darn that optimism.

Alice

Elsa vs Hans: How to Reform an Election

Hello, again.  In case anyone was expecting a conclusion, or just hiding in their blanket forts, I’ve had a headache going on since roughly the beginning of time.  Or possibly this election.  It is pounding, pounding like drums of war and it looks at pain meds like “Bah!”  But nevermind my sinus / tension / help us all headache, I should wrap up the election in Arendelle.  It’s so easy in fairy tales.

arendelle-president-fb1 arendelle-president-fb2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, it’s all over in Arendelle!  They have a queen!  Why is monarchy suddenly sounding better to me now?  Look at our good neighbors in Britain.  I’m pretty sure at this point that Prince George and Princess Charlotte could govern about as well their politicians, and they’re toddlers.  And just think, we’d be descended from King George Washington, and the worst scandal he faced was that cherry tree thing, and we’re pretty sure that was all a set-up.

Wouldn't it be great if we could do this with ALL politicians?

Wouldn’t it be great if we could do this with ALL politicians?

I might be losing it just a tad.  I mean just because the whole thing is over on Tuesday.  Which is – two days from now.  But no need to PANIC.  We should instead be thinking of reform, saying we get through the next four years.  Here are some ideas I had while my head pounded.

  • No more campaign funds from donors or even the candidates’ own personal fortunes.  Each candidate is given 50 dollars from start to finish to finance their campaign.  I’m thinking some trips to the Dollar Store will be in order.  Think poster board and lots of crayons.
  • From start the finish, the campaign season can last, at maximum, 3 months, or roughly as long as the Christmas season.  No more campaigning as soon as a president sits down.  Shut up and start thinking how you’re gonna spread out that 50 bucks, people.
  • No more special interest groups, PACs, corporations, or whatever the heck you’re called influencing the election. They’ve already got their 50 bucks, which is a good enough allowance, so do be quiet, they don’t care about you without your money.
  • Media coverage cannot be bought by either party.  That’s right, media, you have to find your own news!  And just like high school students, you might try citing your work!  There’s not going to be as much to cover, because they will only be here for three months, so you might want to shut off the news occasionally.  It’s okay.  We’ll get by not knowing if former Disney stars are planning to run for president or somehow else destroy their reputation for a few hours.
  • Time to reform the electoral college.  First off, by explaining how it works.  That bad, huh?  Maybe you should try to change it.  You’ve got four years.  Work it out.
  • Only two debates.  One for the primary, one for the actual election.  No more than 5 candidates allowed on stage.  I don’t care how they fight it out, no one listens to more than 3 or 4 of them anyway, so just 5 in the primary.  If anyone acts like a brat in either debate, either by calling names or refusing to answer a question, he or she is sent to the time out hall of shame chair.  If they do it again, they don’t get to come back.  No more debate for you!
  • Candidates are not allowed to say mean things about their rivals.  We have to leave something for the media to do – all on their own.  Candidates can only give detailed plans for beginning to solve stuff like poverty.  Expect a lot of quiet debates until they get used to this.
  • Politicians are only allowed to communicate via those old Mission Impossible tapes that explode after the message is finished.  No more twitter or email ever again.

I know there’s more, so much more, but I’ll leave it at that.  If you have anything to add, please do!  You can find me at  Blanket Fort, Alice’s living room, Alice town, 1234HELP.

~ Alice

Elsa vs. Hans: The campaign continues

With the election season underway, Hans and Elsa got prepared the typical way.  With parties from campaign donors.

Hans Bond

Why, thank you, ladies. I deeply respect . . . your money.

Party conventions

disney hunger games 1

This year’s Elsa convention held in my backyard.

TV interviews

The Belle Show

The Belle Show

And of course, lots of political ads.

I love it when I find just what I need on Google images.

I love it when I find just what I need on Google images.

But that’s just preparation for the big debate.  Elsa leaves a quick thank you for her supporters.

elsa-thanks-supporters-1elsa-thanks-supporters-2After a careful Twitter search . . .

disneypresident-fb-hans-gets-snows-voteOh oh.  Elsa better keep hold of her supporters, especially the easily persuaded.  Not that there are many of those . . . yeah.  So we finally hear from the campaign managers of both campaigns.

Mother Gothel here to promote the Hans campaign. Arendelle needs a strong leader like Hans who does not freeze countries. Or shoot icicles at people. Etc.

Mother Gothel here to promote the Hans campaign. Arendelle needs a strong leader like Hans who does not freeze countries. Or shoot icicles at people. Etc.

Ah, Mother Gothel?  Now why would she promote Hans?  What is their connection?  How did she come back from the dead?  Questions, questions.

Shang spoke for his candidate, Elsa.

Elsa is clearly the superior talent. She isn't a sociopath, she's never been in prison - well just once, and she's a strong, loving ruler. Also - check out my pectorals.

Elsa is clearly the superior candidate. She isn’t a sociopath, she’s never been in prison – well just once, and she’s a strong, loving ruler. Also – check out my pectorals.

So now they are ready for the first debate.  Later their VP candidates will debate too.  Hans tried to choose himself, but needed someone else.  You’ll soon find out, but any guesses would be fun.  Stay tuned for coverage of this ridiculous, historic event.

~Alice

Elsa vs Hans: The 2016 Arendelle Presidential Race

What, another election?  Don’t worry, this one will be blessedly short, which is great.  It also involves fictional people, which makes it even better.  Also it gives me something to do cause I’m bored.

As with all monumental decisions, it started with a Facebook post.

disneypresident-fb-1

Hans wasted no time getting his press coverage in.  On Facebook.  Of course.

disneypresident-fb2

Rapunzel had a good idea there.  Popcorn makes almost everything better.  I’m stocked in it for early next month.  Next came the search for campaign managers and running mates.  Yes, in this election the primaries were skipped because most Disney royalty are not stupid enough to run in an election.  They stayed with Facebook for candidates, because I kept losing my camera.  I mean it’s more efficient.  Better than Twitter anyway.  #twitterisforlosers

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After whacking her head against some ice a few times, Elsa tries again.

disneypresident-fb-4adisneypresident-fb-4b

Oh, if only it were so easy, Elsa.  So many questions.  How DID Hans get out of prison this time?  Who is helping his campaign?  How many scandals will surface?  Will I find my camera or just have the whole thing done on Faceboook?  Shouldn’t we consider that for the next election?

Stay tuned.

~Alice

Disney Villains watch the Final Presidential Debate

I figured, when watching this last debate, who better to help out than those who know politics best: Disney villains.  The Things helped gather all those we could find for a focus group.  Maleficent got caught in traffic, or so she said.  And Cinderella’s evil stepmother was busy working on the third party (the evil party) campaigns of her stepdaughters.  But most of them showed up, partly because I promised them pardons from their respective kingdoms.

They're all ready to take notes.  We'll see how long it takes them to figure out this isn't Dance Moms.

They’re all ready to take notes. We’ll see how long it takes them to figure out this isn’t Dance Moms.

First question: What’s your opinion on the second amendment that guarantees your right to free arms?  Should there be gun restrictions, yadda.

Gaston: YES!  GUNS! Jafar: What about magic? Hans: Sword will do in a pinch.

Gaston: YES! GUNS!
Jafar: What about magic?
Hans: Sword will do in a pinch.

Second question: What do you think of abortions, specifically late term abortions?

Mother Gothel: I love children!  Especially ones with magical hair. Ursula: I prefer after birth abortions.  Once you have their voice.

Mother Gothel: I love children! Especially ones with magical hair I can kidnap.
Ursula: I prefer after birth abortions. But really, who needs a voice?

Third question: What is your stance on immigration?  Should we build a wall or help them become citizens?

Jafar: Keep out the street rats Gaston: I say we shoot them. Hans: I wouldn't mind them building me a castle first.

Jafar: Keep out the street rats
Gaston: I say we shoot them.
Hans: I wouldn’t mind them building me a castle first.

Fourth Question: Wikileaks has been leaking secret information, possibly from Russia.  What do you think of that?

Ursula: It IS nice to have things to hold against people, bwahahaha. Mother Gothel: Wikileaks sounds like a plumbing problem.

Ursula: It IS nice to have blackmail against people, bwahahaha.
Mother Gothel: Wikileaks sounds like a plumbing problem.

Fifth question: How do you plan to help the economy?

All: Tax cuts for villains.  The evil will trickle down.

Hans: Tax cuts for villains. The evil will trickle down.  Others: Works for us.

Sixth Question: Do you believe you are fit to be president?  Is it okay to grope women?

Gaston: Groping women is great! Evil Hag: Only if we get to grope back

Gaston: Groping women is great!
Evil Hag: Only if we get to grope back.

Sixth question: Let’s talk about ISIS, Syria, and Iraq.  How are you going to fix it all?

Who cares?  I want to know about my social security!

What are those? I want to know about my social security!

Seventh Question: How are we going to fund Social Security, Medicare, and control the National Debt?

Evil Hag: My economy was based purely on beauty products.  We were fine. Now give me my check.

Evil Hag: My economy was based purely on beauty products. We were fine. Now give me my check.

Will you accept the results of the election?

Gaston: No. Jafar: No. Hans: I'm going to say yes, because it sounds good. Then I'll kill my opponent.

Gaston: No.
Jafar: No.
Hans: I’m going to say yes, because it sounds good. Then I’ll kill my opponent.

Any closing statements?

Hans: I think we all know I'd be best at this thing.  I'm a sociopath, but I'm subtle about it. Queen of Hearts: Off with their heads!

Hans: I think we all know I’d be best at this thing. I’m a sociopath, but I’m subtle about it.
Queen of Hearts: Off with their heads!

So I guess they got as much out of the debate as the rest of us.  The most important question was one that was so easy for Mr. Trump.  Will you agree to transfer power?  He sorta answered that one wrong.  As Hans knows, you have to be subtle to truly make it in politics.  Tsk Tsk.

Did any of you see the debate?  What did you think of it?

~Alice

I can’t take it anymore: a timeline of the past year!

“Rock n Roller Cola Wars,

I can’t take it anymore!”

– Billy Joel

My only crime is pure awesomeness.

When did America turn into Game of Thrones?

“We Didn’t Start the Fire”. It’s a song by Billy Joel that goes through a history book picking out all the awesome (Television!) and not so awesome (Vietnam!) things that had gone on in his life up until around the 1980s.  I believe he ended with “Rock n roller cola wars, I can’t take it anymore.”  Well, Billy, you really didn’t guess what was coming up next.

I did a “We Didn’t Start the Fire” type post a few years ago.  But I still stopped up way too early.  So I figured, why not take the last year or so and see what happens?  Hint: Very bad things. And a few, I guess, are good.  Please note: I faithfully did a Google search from July 2015 to October of 2016 and it seems most timelines tend to stop before 2015.  There is a reason for this.  No matter, trust in Alice and Wikipedia and such.  I have split this post because it got so long.  Like the past year.  So, so, so long.

 

July 2015

Oregon makes marijuana legal.  Just in time.

Scott Walker, jerk Wisconsin governor with a personal vendetta against those fat cat teachers, announces his run for President.  wee.

The U.S. and Iran talk nukes.  Or something.  Whatever.

President Obama questions the use of solitary confinement in U.S. prisons.  For prisoners anyway.  Politicians on the other hand . . .

A gunman opens fire.  At two military institutions, a crowded theater, and more.  I’m sure we will nip this thing in the bud soon.

John Kasich becomes the 16th person to seek nomination of the Republican party.  Yup.  SIXTEENTH.

 

August 2015

Street corner sized sinkhole forms in Brooklyn, New York.  I see foreshadowing for this year.

First debate before the 2016 Republican Primaries is held.  Conservative white dudes as far as the eye can see.  Also Ben and Carly.  Also Donald Trump (more like circus peanut than dude), but who would take HIM seriously?

Jon Stewart, in an effort to preserve sanity (he had no idea), retires from the Daily Show

Subway starts to really regret hiring that Jared guy.

More people shot.  To change things up, someone goes after people in a movie theater this month with an ax.  Netflix looking much better.

McDonald’s and Tyson foods horrified that a Tennessee based farm “stomps on chickens”.  No stomping before deep frying – it’s a rule.

 

September 2015

Just keep in mind that people are shot every month.

Clerk Kim Davis refuses to sign marriage licenses for same-sex couples.  It’s sort of her job to sign her name on stuff, so she gets in trouble.  Republicans make her a hero.

Stephen Colbert succeeds David Letterman as Late Night host.  Humor is all that will get us through.

Police in Irving, Texas agree to drop charges on that kid who carried an alarm clock to school.  Guns = good.  Alarm clocks = bad.

Rick Perry, hated even by Republicans in TEXAS, drops out of the race.  So does Scott Walker.  Awwws.

Pope Francis visits the U.S. and does a lot of important things but no one remembers anything except for Kim Davis crashing his party.

 

October 2015

Unemployment rate drops to 5 percent, the same as when the recession hit in 2007.  But Obama is still a Muslim commie.

Jim Webb drops out of the Democratic race.  Who was he again?

Hillary Clinton answers 8 hours worth of questions on that Benzhai thing.  Next up, Republicans plan to force her to watch 8 hours of Fox News – she’ll really give up her secrets then.

That other guy no one knew drops out of the Democratic presidential race.  No one notices.

World Health Organization finds that sausage and ham and everything you love causes Cancer.

 

November 2015

Newspapers report that like, oil companies knew fossil fuels were bad for the environment.

At the Republican debate, 7 candidates try to team up on Trump, hurling mud, insults, and threatening to tell Mom.  Well that last one was just Jeb.

At the Democratic debate, Hillary and Sanders argue about health care and other blah stuff, while O’Malley waves his hand wildly, hoping to speak.

More gunmen, but one baseball team beats another one, so hooray!

 

December 2015

More people drop like flies from the presidential race.  Everyone’s waiting for Trump to shout “Just kidding!” and leave.

Terrorist attack in San Bernardino.  Donald Trump has the answer – ban all Muslims, just to make sure.  Yet he’s still in the race.

Two other guys drop out though.

Bill Cosby gets an arrest warrant.  No more pudding for him.

“This is not the type of campaign we run” – said by Bernie Sanders in a Democratic debate.  Sorry, Bern, seems this IS the kind of campaign we run.  Extra crispy crazy.

 

January 2016

Artists boycott the Oscars because there aren’t enough African Americans nominated.  A lot of America boycotts it because it’s so boring.

Zika virus appears.  Donald Trump calls for banning all mosquitoes from the United States.

Jeb releases entertaining political ads, such as the one where he calls Trump a jerk.  No really.

The International Atomic Energy Agency says Iran has dismantled their nukes.  United Nations gives them a pat on the back.  Many Americans say “Wait, there were nukes?”

 

February 2016

North Korea launches a long range rocket into space in a desperate bid for attention.

Poor Democratic nominee Martin O’Malley (can I talk?  can I talk NOW?) drops out.  Sanders and Hillary too busy hissing and scratching to notice.

Former Prez Jimmy Carter picks Trump over Cruz.  Cruz, dude, that’s just not good.

Quitting the Republican race: Jeb! (sadly the only partially sane candidate), Carly Fiorina (standing witchface), and Rand Paul (really a Libertarian unicorn).

Supreme Court Justice Scalia dies, and people mourn for roughly five seconds before pondering who gets his seat.

 

Stay tuned for Part Two – if you darrre.

Alice and the Things take on the 2nd Presidential Debate

trump-vs-clinton1

Or as much as we could stomach of it.  Which was about one hour.  Though as soon as Donald made one comment in an earlier video (minutes before it actually started) Thing Two said she was done.  But she soldiered on.  They are asked questions from an audience of uncommitted voters and moderators.  I remember Anderson, but forget the other moderator and don’t want to look it up.  I tried to break up the different questions, but it’s honestly hard to tell.  Here it goes:
Anderson Cooper – Hello and welcome.
Thing One : Anderson’s thinking “Kill me now.”
First audience question: Do you think this election has been good for kids since it could have had “mature rating”. Are you modeling appropriate behavior for today’s youth?
As Hillary rambles, Donald is making faces behind her. Especially frowns when Hillary says I want your vote, but I think we should bring the country together.
Trump: Yeah, everything she said. I started this campaign because I was tired of what was going on in the country. I can’t believe I’m saying this about myself, but I guess I am a politician.
Me: I can’t believe you’re a politician either
Thing One: I think he’s making up percentages. Neither one is answering the question. It’s just more about their campaigns.
Me: Yeah I had to look at the question again cause I totally forgot.
Thing One: He’s talking so softly. Maybe Trump IS sick from the air sniffing.
Anderson Cooper: And grabbing women’s . . .
Thing One: This is NOT age appropriate.
Trump: Well we have terrorists chopping off heads . . .
Me: Wait, what?  Are we talking about women now, or terrorists, or . . .
Thing Two: I don’t like this
Thing One: Go check on our cinnamon rolls
Anderson: So you never touched women without their consent?
Trump: I have always had respect for women
Me: That’s why I call them big and fat.
Trump: Gonna build borders
Thing One: What does that have to do with women?
Thing Two: Mom, look at Hillary’s face. She looks bored.
Hillary: I’ve disagreed with other candidates but never questioned their ability to be president. Donald Trump is not fit to be president. He’s nasty to women, POWs, Muslims, everyone else, etc. Oh snap
Thing One: Trump is starting to walk around now
Thing Two: I think Trump’s lip is falling off his face. Donald, you orange freak.
Hillary: We are great because we are good. (huh?) And we will get people to behave again.
Thing One: If we have to put everyone in time-out corner.
Trump: I want to answer on this. Blah blah blah Hillary words blah blah.
Moderator: Mr. Trump please stop talking
Trump: She gets to talk and I don’t? Whine.

trump-vs-hillary-2
Moderator: Here’s an online campaign question. Something about shameful actions – choose one. And you have two minutes.
Trump: Did I mention I have great respect for women?  Oh and Bill Clinton. And Hillary’s mean too.
Applause cause of what he just brought up, which was – I’m not even sure what the question is – did it change?  It’s not up on the board so we can’t tell.
Hillary: I am reminded of what my friend Michelle Obama (did I mention MICHELLE?) said – when they go low, you go higher. (higher cheers) Brings up the Muslim family whose son died in combat. He never apologized to this person, to this person, to this person . . . he owes our country an apology
Me: They both do.
Trump: You owe other people an apology – I saw vicious commercials of Michelle talking about you – talk about friend, nanner. And Bernie Sanders, you didn’t win fair and square.  I suddenly care about this.
Thing Two: Trump says: In third grade I got in trouble for being racist . . .
Me: He would never admit that..
Trump: I didn’t think I would say this but . . . (yeah right) when I’m president I am going to get a special prosecutor to look into your situation.
Thing One: Hillary is smiling so wide, ha ha!
Me: Now she’s actually laughing silently
Hillary: (thrilled – she may break out into another dance) It is good that someone with the temperament of Donald Trump is not in charge.
Trump: Cause you’d be in jail
Applause. No, really.
Anderson: Quit wasting time.

trump-vs-hillary-3
Other moderator: Yes let’s. Now Hillary about your emails.
Me: AGAIN? Yes let’s not waste time.
Hillary: Yeah I was kinda dumb but haven’t they kinda already grilled me on this enough? Also I had a lot of secrets cause I was Secretary of State (unlike youuu Donald) and so there was classified info.
Trump: She didn’t know the letter “c” on a document.
Thing One: She got a grade on her document?
Thing Two is laying down with headphones listening to music.
Thing One: Wait he’s going against Republicans now? That’s not helping.
Me: Thing Two, I smell Republicans. Wait, I mean cinnamon rolls.
Moderator: We need to move on.
Trump: Ramble, ramble.
Moderator: Please let her respond
Trump: Ramble ramble ramble.
Hillary: I know, Donald, you want to distract things since the Republicans are all dumping youuuu.
Trump: What about emails?

trump-vs-hillary-4
Another audience question finally: Obamacare hasn’t helped much. How will you bring costs down, etc?
Moderator: That’s for you, Hillary
Hillary: Oh he can take it.
Thing One: Yes go for it, mess yourself up
Moderator: No you, Hillary.
Thing Two begins making a representation of the debate with Yoda, a bear, an inflated palm tree, a cardboard Zelda shield, and tiny anime people. I don’t understand it, but it makes as much sense as anything else.
Trump starts rambling about how Obamacare BAD.
Anderson: Time up Trump! Oh, uh, Hillary didn’t your husband say Obamacare was stupid?
Hillary is very smooth picking up on this. I still don’t understand it, but hey she’s cool about it.
Hillary: It was meant to do all these things . . . So 20 million people do have health insurance which is something. If we rip it off we give it back to the insurance cause . . .
Anderson: Time is up. (probably takes a stiff drink)
Trump rambles on. Anderson attempts to direct the question. In any direction.
Trump: It’s gonna be so good.
Anderson: But specifics on what you’re doing?
Trump: It was a fraud. Competition. And stuff.

trump-vs-hillary-5
Audience question: Uh I’m a Muslim. What are you going to do about Islamaphobia?
Trump: That’s too bad, but hey you guys are all terrorists. And Obama and Hills won’t say the word. They won’t, they won’t.
Thing Two: Cinnamon rolls are burnt, just like the state of our country.
Hillary: Dangerous talk about your people, a gift to terrorists. We aren’t at war with Islam.
Moderator: What about the Muslim ban?
Trump: By the way that Muslim captain whose parents I made fun of? If I had been president, he’d still be alive
Me: Cause he’s like God?
Moderator: Could you please tell if the Muslim ban stands? You know, the question I asked.
Trump: Hillary and Obama want tons of Muslims. Trojan horse!
Moderator: Will you take these Syrian refugees in when they might be dangerous?
Hillary: There are children suffering, etc. We are not carrying the load of Europe. We have vetting.
Thing One: Pretty sure these guys just want to get away from war not be troublemakers.
Me: That makes too much sense, Thing One.
Hillary: You were for the war on Iraq, Trump, it’s on tape.  Like real tape.
Trump: No I wasn’t. You were for it.
Moderator: Okay . . .
Trump: Hey she got 25 more seconds earlier. There are really bad people coming in.
Thing One: And uh some are just normal families?
Thing Two is using a Gaston doll from Beauty and Beast to talk: How about I run for president! I would be perfect!

trump-vs-hillary-6
Moderator question: Wikileaks stuff. Hillary you said you had a private and a public position on it? Is that being two-faced?
Hillary: Uh, that quote was from me talking about a movie on Abraham Lincoln.
Thing Two with Gaston: I will make sure all women are treated bad and all books are banned!
Me: He’s like a good looking Trump.
Thing Two: The debate: Poopy face, Poopy head!
Thing One is making Elsa fly.
Trump: She’s blaming the lie on Abraham Lincoln. Honest Abe never lied.
Thing One: Really? You know this?
Trump: Russians. They aren’t really hacking. I know nothing about about Russians.
Me: Well true, except Putin.
Thing Two: I think I know who the liar is.
Trump goes on about how much taxes he has paid. Hillary stands there and smiles broadly.
Thing Two: Hillary “I smell something fishy. It’s Trump!”

trump-vs-hillary-7
Person in audience: What would you do to change the tax code?
Thing Two: the worst job in the world is moderator
Trump: blah blah negative ads blah Hillary complains but hasn’t helped stuff blah I’m lowering taxes for corporations
Me: Yes that would help.
Hillary is most fun to watch while Trump speaks. Blink. Blink.
Thing One: Do the rich still pay their fair share? Question mark. No, not gonna answer? Nope, figures.
Hillary is shaking her head.
Thing Two: Hillary looks like she has a Vanilla Ice song in her head, gettin’ down.
Hillary: I hate to keep saying everything he says is a lie (but I will). Kinda funny that he has avoided so many taxes and he’s telling about how he’ll fix it.  In my plan, nobody who makes less than 250,000 will be taxed.
Me: Well girls, we are very very VERY safe on her plan. Take off the 2, you got a little more than our combined salaries. Aren’t there commercial breaks???
Thing Two is talkingThing One: Thing Two, I’m trying to understand this debate even though it makes no sense.
Trump: Much of my tax stuff is depreciation -that made Hillary’s head jerk up. Now she’s grinning open mouthed as he goes on.
Trump: It’s all talk and no action.
Thing Two: Mee mee mee mee
Thing One: Bernie is getting tired of Trump using his quotes too much.
Thing Two: I miss Bernie. He’s better than them.
Trump: Why didn’t you do anything as senator?
Hillary: Cause I was under a Republican president.
Snap! Applause. Clearly this is a one line zinger debate.
Thing Two: Hillary should get it. 1. Political experience. 2. Not Trump 3. Nice earrings 4: Balances out what’s in her mind.
Thing One: She’s like an old Elsa!
Thing Two: Trump is thinking “all around me are familiar facesss”
We’ve all lost track of what’s going on.

trump-vs-hillary-9
Moderator: Mr. Trump we’re gonna move on. We’re gonna move on. Move on. Okay solve the humanitarian crisis in Syria. Two minutes.
Hillary is talking. The girls are starting to snap at one another, there is the an inflatable tree involved.
Me: How many minutes are we in?
Thing One: It’s 9:04 – it’s been an hour.
Thing Two: I want to go to bed now.

T.V. goes off.  Snap!

Hope you enjoyed out report from the front.  If anything else happened, we have no idea, nor do we care at this point. We’re not even sure what happened while we were watching.  There’s only so much sanity you can spare.  Be sure and let us know.

~Alice

 

Rick Perry Dances with the Morons

Some uber important stuff happened last week, you guys!  No, not a cure to some dumb illness or anything, it was the premier of this season’s “Dancing with the Has-Been or Never Were Stars”!  We’ve had some bizarre people on the show before, like the 80-something-year-old astronaut, Buzz Aldrin, who had to be pushed around the floor like a shopping cart, and Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol.  Cause somehow even the children of famous people we hate get counted among the “stars” on this show.  As far as I can tell, her only “talent” came from getting pregnant in high school right when her mother was advocating abstinence for teenagers.  You have to give her points for that, I guess.

But what about this year?  Vanilla Ice is on, because, of course he is.  Also, we have an Olympian, and not just any Olympian, an Olympian who vandalizes property and lies about being robbed, really smoothing out international relations between the U.S. and Rio, just like Romney did by mentioning how much Britain sucked during the Olympics before that!  We’re on a roll, here.  Speaking of politicians who have no business on any floor, be it Senate or dance floor, we have our next, and my favorite, contestant: Rick Perry.

Our former governor and former presidential candidate. Real quote, guys.

Rick is so smarts.

You might remember ol’ Rick as one of the zillion Republican presidential candidates this year.  Or you might not, since he’s not that interesting and heck no one really remembers who was running this year except for Trump.  But we in Texas sure remember him cause he was, inexplicably, governor here for 14 years.  By his last term, though, even Texas hated the guy, so much so he was nearly beaten by a Democrat in a state that has gone red in all political elections for years.  Democrats don’t even bother running for a lot of posts.  Yet Rick sucked that bad.  So naturally he chose to run for president. And fail.  Twice.  What’s the logical next step?

A reality dancing show, naturally.  If Trump can go from reality show to politics, why can’t Rick go backwards?  He claims he is there to learn how to dance for his daughter’s wedding. You get a glimpse of his unfortunate daughter in the audience, attempting to hide behind the seats before she realizes the camera is on her and puts out a patented forced smile.  They really should have some sort of support group for the children of idiot politicians.  Yet just as he was while governor, Rick has no clue she’s uncomfortable.  He’s rarin’ to go!  No talent, no problem, is his motto.

Last week was his first dance of the year, and it was a goodie, folks.  Ya’ll, I mean, he was awesome.  First off, he forgot he was no longer governor in his introduction.  Then his dance partner proceeds to make fun of his Texas drawl, which I swear all of us do not have.  I don’t – and others, like Merry who have heard me speak, can vouch for it. But for some reason, others do, and sometimes they come from towns just miles away.  There’s no rhyme or reason to it.  Another department at work had a lady we used to call “Miss Twang”.  It was literally painful to be in her vicinity.

But I digress.  If you want to talk about pain, you gotta see this performance. Cause it’s not just about how Rick can’t dance, it’s how he chose the song “God Blessed Texas” (with Rick of course) and this massive set complete with Ferris wheel and no kiddin’ – corndog stand.  Here ya go.

So proud to be a Texan right now, ya’ll.  Here’s some of the reactions we heard around the web after his performance.  I highlighted a few favorites.

Jezebel: Rick Perry, with nothing else to do, will join Amber Rose and Vanilla Ice on Dancing with the Stars – where do you go after 14 years rolling back Texas abortion access and executing the mentally ill?  The dance floor, baby!

Twitchy.com: ‘Dances with the Stars’ teases the Rick Perry vs. Vanilla Ice dance-off we’ve been waiting for

Dallas Morning News: Is Rick Perry dancing the desperation boogie by joining ‘Dancing with the Stars?’  – “bless his heart” – says columnist Ken Herman

Texas Tribune: Rick Perry talks ‘Dancing with the Stars’, Senate speculation

VanityFair.com: Failed Presidential Candidate Rick Perry to join Ryan Lochte on ‘Dancing with the Stars’: Miraculously, Perry is not the first previously indicted Republican politician from Texas to appear on the reality show.

I love these article titles.  Desperation boogie.  Dance off between Vanilla Ice and Rick Perry (make it happen, guys, please!).  The inclusion of “Dancing with the Stars” and “Senate speculation” in the same sentence.  And finally, realizing that he is not the first indicted Republican politican from Texas to appear on this show. That’s incredibly specific there.  Which is why you should totally be watching.  I actually missed the first episode, and had to catch him on youtube, but you can bet I’ll be watching tonight to give you another report next Monday.  We’ll see if the judges’ reactions go from “Eh, you uh got out there um way to go?” to “You’re fired”.  Personally, I hope the voters keep him on there so we can torture him some more.  Because it is up to voters, since those meanie judges gave him 5 out of 10 stars. Rick thought this was awesome, cause he’s dumb.  No, Rick, sorry – that’s 50 percent.  In other words, FAIL.  But hey, you got out there and embarrassed yourself and your daughter, so props to you, sixty-something-year-old politician you!

To make up for that last performance, here’s another one that will amaze you.  It’s by Toni Basil, best known for her hit song “Mickey”.  She’s 72 now – no really she was 39 when Mickey came out – but she still dances better than I ever will.  Check it out.

Wow.  I found this incredibly inspiring.  So much so, I wrote a little song for Rick, to the tune of “Mickey”.

 

Oh Ricky, what a pity, you don’t understand

Don’t take her by the foot, no you take her by the hand

Oh Ricky you’re so dippy, stop running for office

Cause we hate you Ricky

Cause you’re so dumb, Ricky, dumb, Ricky

Go break a leg, Ricky!

 

Stay tuned!

~Alice

The Donald Trump Song!

If you’ve heard anything about the recent Republican Convention (I get my news from comedians – they are better fact checkers), then you know that Donald has been ripping off songs for his political campaign. This makes bands like Queen feel really stabby considering they hate Trump, and do not think he’s “the champion”, unless he means champion of a-holes. He’s also stolen “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” from the Rolling Stones, but it actually is a rather apropos song for him.  We are definitely not getting what we want.  No satisfaction here, man.

I think I'm gonna need this song soon.

I think I’m gonna need this song soon.

Now if this were any other Ann Coulter type jerk, you could ignore him, but this is a – dear God – viable candidate for president of the United States.  There is no point in listing the awful things he has said.  Better to simply make a list of the decent things he has said.  It’s tiny.  Like his hands.

But when I heard this song I’m about to show you, it just made total sense.  “Big Time” by Peter Gabriel.  Illustrated with pictures.  I’m sorry, Peter, please forgive me.

Big Time

I’m on my way, I’m making it
I’ve got to make it show, yeah
So much larger than life
I’m going to watch it growing

He’s referring to his hands uh hand here.

Thank you, Youtube.

Thank you, Youtube.

The place where I come from is a small town
They think so small
They use small words

He didn’t come from a small town, but he does know the little people because he employs them.

Mexicans are rapists, but they do great work in my vineyards.

Mexicans are rapists, but they do great work in my vineyards.

But not me
I’m smarter than that
I worked it out
I’ve been stretching my mouth
To let those big words come right out

Donald does love to talk about his degrees (I’m sure he did not have any help whatsoever) and how smart he is.  Very smart.  And he says he knows big words!  Gonna build a wall.  A big wall.  A beautiful wall.  Clearly an intellectual.  And no one stretches his mouth farther than Donald.

YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE!

YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE!

I’ve had enough, I’m getting out
To the city, the big big city
I’ll be a big noise with all the big boys
There’s so much stuff I will own

He is definitely a big noise in the big big city, and has enough money to play with the “big boys”, especially those giving corporations, who are people, you know.  And does he own stuff?  Guys, he’s about to own the presidency of the United States.  I joked earlier about him putting Trump on the White House in big letters but – look, just – look what he did at the convention and tell me this isn’t a realistic possibility.

What I really appreciate about Donald is the subtly.

What I really appreciate about Donald is the subtlety.

And I will pray to a big god
As I kneel in the big church

Trump's entrance to the RNC convention. Need I say more?

Trump’s entrance to the RNC convention bathed in heavenly light.

My parties all have big names
And I greet them with the widest smile
Tell them how my life is one big adventure
And always they’re amazed
When I show them ’round my house, to my bed
I had it made like a mountain range
With a snow-white pillow for my big fat head

He has big parties, with big names, you guys, like wrestlers.  Some call it a “convention” but clearly it was a party for Donald.  There were huge balloons, lots of guys who appeared to be high on something, and it carried a very high chance of the cops being called.

People all over are amazed at Donald and his fancy house and his giant head.  Adventure!

Balloons are great for calming the masses. Ooooh pretty!

Balloons are great for calming the masses. Ooooh pretty!

Even Hillary lost her composure when balloons fell at the DNC convention! Pretty!

Even Hillary lost her composure when balloons fell at the DNC convention! Pretty!

And my heaven will be a big heaven
And I will walk through the front door

You might get through the front door, Donald, but I don’t think you’re getting past security.

Big time big time
My car is getting bigger
Big time
My house is getting bigger
Big time
My eyes are getting bigger
Big time
And my mouth
Big time
My belly is getting bigger
Big time
And my bank account
Big time
Look at my circumstance
Big time
And the bulge in my big big big big big big big

No words.

No words.

Thank you greatly for not finishing that last line, Peter.  So you see?  What a great song I’ve ruined.  One that used to sound over the top, but not now!  Now it’s presidential!

Excuse me while I find my cave.  I’ll require big white pillows for the screaming.

Any other songs you can think of that describe our candidates or the election in general?  I’m thinking *”It’s the End of the World as We Know it” and “Highway to Hell” would be good choices.

*Wait Trump and Cruz both used that one already.  Really.

~ Alice

The Republican and the Democrat: A Love Story Part Two

We’re back with Thing Two’s captivating story of two vampires people torn apart by POLITICS.  Can the two ever be together, what with the probable different number of chromosomes?  Let’s find out in part two of: The Republican and the Democrat: A Love Story.

 

CHAPTER THREE

GUNS, GUNS AND MORE GUNS
Ken went on the wonderful web and looked for a good lookin’ dating website for him to find a new gal.

“Hey this one looks swell.” He took a deep breath and started on Democrathotties.com

Name: Kennedy

Gender: male

Voting for: Bernie Sanders

Hobbies: Having long debates on the beach

More about ME: My favorite color is blue, my favorite animal is a donkey, and my uncle is

Bernie Sanders, and I live in a cardboard house since I donated all my money to orphans, plus I’m poor….cool right!!!???

*insert hawt picture*

Before he had decided which angle, or whether he wanted to have his shirt on or not for his “hawt” picture, he got 2 requests already. The first girl was named Bindi Roosevelt, who also liked Donkeys. The other girl was named Katy Reagan…and her picture had her in a red bikini, next to 3 guns. Being bewildered on how such a Republican appeared on a Democratic dating site, he rejected both. His dog started to howl loudly as he finally took his needed picture and went to bed …. dreaming about rich little Marsha.

Ken on his cardboard computer in his eco-friendly cardboard house - with wifi.

Ken on his cardboard computer in his eco-friendly cardboard house – with wifi.

 

CHAPTER FOUR

ELEPHANT CROSSING

It was decided, Ken was going on a date with Harley Quinn Willson.  Ken got into his eco-friendly gear and set off  to meet a new companion.  Ken road his special hot pink, gas reduced, Beatles signed (its not REALLY signed by the Beatles…he just happened to mistake a man with a long fringe cut walking down the street for Ringo.) flower smelling bike of magic. On the way to the meeting place, a quick yet sincere thought whipped past his mind…maybe……. just maybe……..he could get a Ringo haircut.

Ken finally got to the internet cafe where he was to meet his new more than friends friend (hopefully). He parked his Beatle bike and swayed into the cafe. He sat down at a table and made sure that no crumbs had stayed undefeated with a brush of his hand …. and he waited.

 

CHAPTER FIVE

MARSHA’S TURN

Marsha put on her black Prada sandals, and put up her coat. She checked her bed for BB’s, and texted her new boyfriend who went by the name “Chad” which most likely stood for Courageous Happy-go lucky Amazing Democrat hater. A knock came from the north of the house…it was Chad!

“Hey!!” Marsha was so excited to get to know this new man. “Hi Chad!”

“Actually my name is Alejandro, I just shortened it to Chad.” Marsha couldn’t find what sounded weird about that but who cares!!??

“Well, are we ready?” he asked.

Masha got on her billion dollar hat worn by the queen of England.  “Yep! All ready!!”

They set off on their journey to the cafe.

“Hey…this place sounds good, maybe we can eat here.” he said.

Marsha thought it was a great idea…it smelled pretty good in there. They walked in and Marsha sat down while Chad grabbed some napkins. Marsha looked around the place, it looked pretty nice except….

             Kennedy was there!!!!

*****

The suspense is killing you, I’m sure.  We’ll find out what happens next in part three of the thrilling saga of those political lovebirds.  Thing Two was kind enough to leave a message for me at the end of her writing.  Here it is.

*Dear mom, if you are reading this then your prob editing…just so you know, your doing a great job and i love you*

I have pretty amazing kids.

Alice