BREAKING NEWS: EVERYTHING IS AWFUL!
According to reporters and randos on the internet, everything is awful. Penguins? Homeless. Kittens? Exploding. Mr. Rogers? Dead. Stay tuned to Catastrophe News for more
MAYBE DON’T WATCH / READ NEWS?
Some stupid blogger named Alice suggested that maybe people should stop watching and reading stories of warring politics and reports of death, disease, and mass destruction because it causes lots of anxiety. Pfft, say we journalists / news anchors.
Alice considers this a challenge and is not watching news or politics for the month of March. Can she do it? We doubt it! Check back soon to see if her mental health is even worse! Everyone in the newsroom is betting yes!
ARE DEAD DOGS VOTING IN ELECTIONS?
According to our source known as “Whiskers” dogs were caught committing voter fraud in the 2020 election. We must ask ourselves: Can we trust Champ Biden?
According to Newsmax, Champ is a very bad “junk yard dog” (see above picture of a dog kind of like Champ) but reporters from MSNBC say he is a good boi and loves everyone. Champ thinks kibble is great. (This was an actual story on both stations for reals).
MEDIA UNSURE HOW TO PROCEED
With our former president gone, a lot of news is now missing. So get ready for a quick summary. Covid Covid Covid. Vaccines. Racists still racist. Covid. Tiger Woods only man to ever have a car accident. Except the ones in these fiery explosions we found from past footage.
Some movie star tweeted something stupid and got fired. Covid. An avalance / earthquake / volcano / hurricane caused the deaths of millions (note to editor: please choose one before printing.)
Democratic Fun Time Debate Part Two the First
You are probably all wondering, “Hey, Alice, didn’t we just have these debates?” and I will answer “Yes, because this is groundhog year.” At least we have made progress in that . . . 0 candidates have dropped out, in spite of no one knowing or caring who most of these people are, and that includes, in the case of John Delaney, their own staff. Seriously, Delaney’s staff said, “Dude, drop out, you’re embarrassing us,” and Delaney was like “Naw, it’ll be fine.”
I will admit that I thought it was Bill Deblasio’s team who told him to drop out, but Thing One said it was Delaney, so yeah I couldn’t even remember which one’s team had less faith in them, but I’m gonna hazard a guess that most of their people are already tired of the free sucky campaign trail food and just want to go home, and this mess just started. I know I’m tired, and I’m not even campaigning. As far as I know.
I also goofed on the picture I posted with the last debate report by using a picture from the first debate part one instead of the first debate part two, but luckily no one else noticed that these were 10 different people either, or at least no one bothered to point it out to me. Which is why I have this little message for most of our contenders, and I will try to be gentle.
DROP OUT NOW, EVEN YOUR MOM WON’T VOTE FOR YOU, LOSER.
Okay, that out of the way, I should get to the actual debate. They mixed it up a little, putting Bernie in a different group so that he could smack someone besides Biden this time. Last night’s Jeopardy stage had Bernie “I have one volume” Sanders, Mayor Pete “Yes I’m over 18” Buttigieg, Elizabeth “Did I mention the free stuff?” Warren, Beto “Did you hear my Spanish?” O’Rourke, that self-help hippy lady, the dude whose people said drop out, and those other guys.
Since we don’t have regular cable, my Things and I struggled to find the actual live debate on Youtube, since it was littered with tons of before-game footage that no one watched of individual candidates, people talking about those candidates, and people talking about the people talking about the candidates. Our server also ran super slow from the mothers of the candidates watching the same debate cause someone had to do it. My friend Ravin sent me a wave of texts from the CNN live stream keeping me up to date while Thing Two, our computer expert, pressed buttons and shouted at Youtube. Ravin’s assessment below:
Sanders, Warren, Amy Klobachar, and bunch more white people.
Who let Marianne off the island, and why does a New Age self help guru have enough support to waste oxygen on the debate stage?
John Delaney – he’s bald but doesn’t make it look good like Booker does.
Tim Ryan: “It’s all bad.”
Hickeyloopery was unemployed for two years. So hire him for President!
Amy: I am from the Midwest!
Beto, my favorite Texas politician. He might make a good VP.
The gay mayor: Just skip Gen X and vote for a Millennial! I’m also from the Midwest and cooler than that Amy person.
Warren just said “spinelessness.”
Bernie: I know the statistics. I will punch Trump.
Please, take my employer health care!
And Warren interrupted. Congrats, first one!
Warren: Stop using Republican talking points. Here is a sad anecdote.
Amy the Streetfighter from the Iron Range.
Tim Ryan: If we set a progressive platform, the Republicans will call us socialists. If we set a moderate platform and use Republican talking points, they will call us socialists.
…Wait – that was Butiggieg.
Tim: You don’t know that Bernie.
Bernie: I do know, I wrote the damn bill!
“Thank you” from the moderator means “Shut up now.” Someone hit Amy with a clue stick!
Warren: Fight! Fight! Fight!
Boring Bald Guy: Boring is sensible. Boring is realistic. Boring can be big.
Moderator: Boring Amy, I dare you to piss off all your peers.
Boring Amy: No thank you.
Boring Bald Guy: Carbon capture.
Props to Beto for setting foot in Tucumcari.
Mayor Pete: Nominate me and Trump will look like a total jackass on the podium next to me at the debates.
Marianne: Uses the term “dark psychic energy” and still sounds like a better choice than Trump. Also adds, “40 acres and a mule for every freed slave is trillions of dollars in today’s dollars.”
Boring not bald guy: I can take a whole minute to say “Maybe.”
Gay Mayor: Quotes Bible to shame Christian conservatives in the Senate for blocking the raise in minimum wage.
Uncool Amy: Screw English majors. (I paraphrase)
News flash Elizabeth Warren: We already were the first country to use a nuclear weapon.
Ravin’s overall opinion: I officially like Pete Buttigieg best of tonight’s crowd. I think he will make it to the next level in the Game of Delegates along with Warren and Sanders. The others are doomed. Also, you should reprise your Hunger Games: Presidential Debate Edition on the blog.
Last election, I didn’t do Hunger Games, that was another thing with the Disney princess dolls – keep up, Ravin. I did have Queen Elsa run against Hans last time with a lot of the campaign done via fake Facebook chat, which seemed silly at the time but in hindsight was some sort of premonition about our first President Twitter. I don’t think I could get anymore ridiculous than what’s actually happening, but I’m certainly willing to give it the old English major try (thanks, Amy!)
Anyhoo, I liked Ravin’s summary enough to steal it and use it as my own post, but unlike Melania, I did give credit. Granted, most people could have come up with my pal’s overall assessment without the debate, but some people (cough 90 percent of the candidates) really, really need an intervention with the American public and a stun gun. Thanks to all these guys clogging the debate, whenever a candidate started to make sense, suggest an actual policy, or try to finish a sentence, the moderator told them to shut up by saying “Thank you!” Because our possible Future Leader of the Free World should be given as much time as Ms. America to solve world peace.
Stay tuned tonight for part two of part two and yeah we need to get this down to ten people AT MINIMUM cause I’m confusing myself. Tonight’s debate will feature front runner and Crest toothpaste sponsor Joe “No more Mr.
Sadface Nice Guy What Do You Mean I’m with Kamala again?” Biden, Kamala “Take a bite outta Joe” Harris, the Hispanic guy, the black bald guy, the Asian guy with the oopsie broken mike, those other two women, and the other old white guys. I’d have said more, but CNN only offered me their faces, and like I can remember that many names.
Seriously, how many of them can you name? A free sparkle pony to whoever can get five or more! Stay tuned!
Democratic Fun Time Debate: Round 1
Strap yourselves in, guys, cause the next presidential run is fully underway, with just twenty (TWENTY) Democratic contenders – this beats out the 17 Republican contenders in 2016 – hoping to beat one moronic toddler dictator Republican president. You’d think at this point we’d be rather confident that we could beat Trump, but you’d be wrong, of course. There is no way he should have won the first time, and certainly no way he should have a shot in Hades of winning this time, but this is America, and the land is dark and full of morons.
Speaking of stupidity, let’s get to the candidates. I wanted to write this before watching any commentary or reading any articles by “professional debate reporters” so that you could get it from the point of view of a confused blogger. You’re welcome. This first debate reminded me a little too strongly of an episode of Game of Thrones. You aren’t sure who half the characters are, but it doesn’t matter because most of them are likely to be killed off pretty quickly. This might be literal for some of these candidates, who are really freaking old. This is not just some ageist remark. I recently watched Biden, our 76 year old former Vice President who obviously has a great deal of political experience – despite being somewhat out of touch with reality – stumble on multiple words during the high point of his speech at a rally. It was less like, ah well everyone flubs a word, and more like OMG is he having a stroke?
We didn’t get a shot at Biden last night, but we got ten other guys and gals (we get the other ten today, oh woot!). It wasn’t just a stretch of white guys, nope, there were three, count ’em, three women, at least one of whom had a purpose to be there, a black guy, and a Hispanic guy. Also several tall white guys. I watched the debate with my Things, who tried to help me out in remembering who was who, or at least catching their names on the screen when they talked. Thing Two took some great pictures, as you’ll see below. Anyway, they threw the candidates up on screen like we were on a giant-sized episode of Jeopardy, complete with podiums that light up when the candidate rings in, er, speaks. So here they are:
Senator Elizabeth Warren (Girl! Rough around the edges but has a puppy!)
Senator Corey Booker (The black guy with the shiny head)
Representative Beto O’Rourke (Guy from Texas with a hot mugshot)
Representative Tulsi Gabbard (Another girl!)
Mayor Bill de Blasio (White New Yorker guy)
Former Hud Secretary Julian Castro (Hispanic guy!)
Sen Amy Klobacher (what are all these women persons doing here?)
Gov. Jay Inslee (I . . .have no idea. Some white guy.)
Rep. John Delaney (Again no clue.)
Rep. Tim Ryan ( Um?)
It was kind of hard for most of them to stand out. I did recognize Beto O’Rourke, former representative from Texas who just ran for governor and lost by one of the narrowest margins in Texas history, a state that has run red for decades. That may be as much an example of how much Republicans have sucked as it is Beto’s actual qualifications. Anyhoo, it turns out he is not half Mexican, half Irish (I’d love to see that household!) but just a guy with an Irish name and a Hispanic nickname. He does speak Spanish as he lets everyone know by randomly starting out answering a question in Spanish. I think I was supposed to be impressed, but mostly I was confused as despite years of Spanish in school, I didn’t know what he was saying.
At least he had the excuse of speaking another language with his confusion, along with two others (I think) who also showed they could speak another language. Look, guys, we have limited time – just send us a resume with your skills, mmkay?
I don’t have the patience (or the memory) to cover how they didn’t really answer the questions, so here’s just a little sample for brevity’s sake.
Moderator: Booker, could you answer this question about black people, you being black and all and representing black people?
Corey Booker: Yes, I could, and much better than Beto there, who had really dumb policies and is so not as hot as I am . . .
Beto O’Rourke: Oh yeah, people loved my mug shot, man, what you talkin’ about . . .
Booker: I’m speaking here, what do you think this is, debate?
Beto O’Rourke: Spanish people love me, watch me speak Spanish! Estupido!
Moderator: Maybe later, O’Rourke, let’s ask Julio Castro – that is you and not your twin right?
Julian Castro: Maaaybe, Hola! Como estas!
Moderator: Right, so, how about those Latinos? Should we let them in? You being the Latino representative here.
Beto O’Rourke: Me too! They call me Beto . . .
Julian Castro: You’re white, please stop. I have interesting things to say.
Moderator: Enough of that!
Elizabeth Warren: I’m concerned about Tim Ryan over there. His eyes are bulging out like he just got pantsed big time.
Tim Ryan: I literally can’t blink.
Moderator: He’ll be fine. Now let’s have this white male candidate talk about women’s issues. No pressure.
White male candidate: I have a good record on women’s issues, and they should get abortions, cause I want to live.
Amy Klobacher: I think these two women candidates and I know better. Cause women! Am I right? Huh?
Moderator: Your fellow candidates are staring in horror. Shut up. Now about the environment . . .
Tulsi Gabbar: I’m for the environment. But you should know that I don’t just have good cheekbones. I was in the military! Unlike you wimps.
Beto O’Rourke: Hey, I have good cheekbones too!
Elizabeth Warren: This is not about cheekbones! This is about giving away free stuff – like free college for all, and no more homework for schoolchildren ever. You get a diploma, you get a diploma, YOU get a diploma!
Amy Klobacher: But who is going to fund this college?
Elizabeth Warren: Your face is, Amy.
Moderator: Back to the questions, please raise your hand if you would like to pander to your audience.
(All raise hands)
Moderator: Great, each of you gets 45 seconds and not one second more . . . I mean it . . . I’m going to get the water bottle . . .
(Sprays all candidates with a hose until they stop talking.)
So that was part one! How did you guys feel about it? Did you get that sinking feeling that we are totally screwed? Well don’t give up yet, wait until tonight when we have the second round with Biden, Sanders, the way overqualified gay guy, and the others. Then give up.
Stay tuned, this is Alice, your raving reporter, signing out.
My Response to the Attorney General’s Response to the Mueller Report
A Very Merry Unshutdown to you!
“You say eether and I say eyether
You say neether and I say nyther
Eether, eyether, neether, nyther
Let’s call the whole thing off!”
– “Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off”
I’ve considered writing about this whole shutdown thing for – what is it – 30 some odd days now. CNN had a handy timer right down to the second, cause they are useful that way. I’m pretty sure most of the world knows how stupid we are by now, but just in case our government shut down for 35 days because well . . . here’s a quick summary:
Trump blarts, “We need a wall cause caravans and criminals and my red hats are mad I didn’t do it yet.”
Rest of Gov’t, “No big deal. You haven’t accomplished anything you promised. Have a hamburger and sign this saying you won’t shut down the government because you didn’t get millions for your petty little pointless project.”
Trump, “Okey dokey, oh lookie Fox News.”
Fox News, “Blah blah Trump is a wiener for signing yadda yadda.”
Trump, “I am NOT a wiener! No sign! Want wall!”
Government shuts down.
Ah, right, that’s it. But don’t worry, they said. It’s temporary. Even if it’s right before Christmas. I mean – who needs a government? We get anarchy with government anyway, so let’s call the whole thing off!
Now it was up to the Democrats, or rather Nancy Pelosi with the rest of the Democrats staring at their newspapers, to try to negotiate a deal with Trump. The first meeting went like this:
Trump: Am I getting my wall?
Trump stomps out.
35 days later . . .
Yeah, so maybe not so much fun. Turns out we do need a government for a few minor things to get done like:
Paying 800,000 government workers. (Billionaire Republican Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross says “They should just take out a loan”. Or maybe sell one of their yachts, Wilbur? “How about making a deal with the grocery store to pay later?”, dumbs Trump. Yes, he really did say that.)
Keeping poor people alive through programs like Food Stamps and WIC. (What poor people? Ask your neighbors for help! Like that government worker guy next door!)
Ironically, security for stuff other than the Mexican border like TSA, the Coast Guard, the FBI (they do stuff other than investigate you, Trump):
But good news, a few days ago the government reopened (expect the news on time, none of the time on the Alice network) but only for a few weeks. Fox News continues to say that Trump got a great deal. After all, the government opened back up after over a month, and he didn’t get a wall. Or anything else. So since this was such a success, it only makes sense that he would ask for exactly the same thing in a few weeks.
I think I can guess what Nancy’s answer will be. But what is our answer? How are we going to stop this ridiculous gridlock in our political system? Maybe we should ask our mother country, the Brits! They’d know.
I was reading this article about President Obama taking a selfie with an Alaskan woman and her baby. It was super weird, see, cause he held this baby, took the picture, and never once told either her mother or her that they were too fat or had bad plastic surgery jobs. And all I could think was of how sweet it was and how jealous I was of that baby.
That might have come out wrong. Anyway, while I was reading my husband walked by and said, “Reading about Obama?” I said yes and that I was sad that some people called him a “monkey” online. He said, “I know you and the girls make fun of Trump. But he should be given respect as the president.” This surprised me, as he rarely talks about politics. I said, “I wouldn’t be racist about him.” Which is true – that is one thing I wouldn’t do. Even orange people should have rights.
Now my husband is a good man. If I’d known he was going to end up voting Republican, I highly doubt we’d have gotten past the second date. He said he wasn’t into politics when I asked him about his. My translation: I can convert him. Young single people – don’t ever think this. He votes Republican primarily because of gun rights. He was raised in the country, where he was taught to respect guns and use them properly. So he thinks other people do. I don’t try to argue about this with him anymore. In fact, we usually do not discuss politics with each other. This is a good thing because we balance each others’ strengths quite well. With politics he doesn’t care and I care way too much. But his statement got me thinking.
Do we need to have respect for the president because of his office alone? When Obama was president, I can remember being deeply bothered that people said such horrible things about him. My Thing One was just eight when he was elected the first time, and it bothered her that people did not show respect for the president since she was taught to respect her elders. I felt the same way. Even if they didn’t care for his positions on issues, there was no reason to be so nasty about him as a person. Then came Trump.
I tried to have basic respect for him at first, honestly I did. But it wasn’t long, definitely by the time he somehow, inexplicably, became the Republican nominee for POTUS that I lost even a semblance of respect. Was I biased about Obama? Well, yes, of course I was. I am a very passionate Democrat. I stand with the views of that party. But that wasn’t the only reason I liked Obama. He also, in my opinion, earned respect. He wasn’t perfect, no one is, but he made an effort. You looked at him and you saw a decent human being. At least I did. I never could understand why some people had so much hatred for him. The Democrat before him, Clinton, was a successful president, even if he had issues with keeping a basic item of clothing on around interns. Obama, as far as anyone knows, had no issues with this. I think it was the whole “Michelle was awesome and he was a good guy” bit. But girl had muscle and could probably bench press him, so ultimately it was in his best interest.
Moving onto Donald Trump. What can I say? I have not cared for the last few Republican presidents, especially George W. Bush, for very good reasons. Yes, I have bias toward my party of choice. I believe the government should take care of ALL people, not just the wealthy. Everyone should have healthcare. Everyone should be able to make choices about their own lives. And so on. Still, I would never have advocated for wild hyenas to chase after either Bush, or Reagan, or any of the other Republicans before them. But Trump? Oh, yes, yes I would.
I don’t dislike him. I loathe him. And I have reasons, so many reasons, all of which can be backed up with written, audio, or video proof. Almost every time he opens his mouth, something hateful, offensive, sexist, racist, or just idiotic comes out. Or any time he types on a keyboard, which he does way too often for any office holder. We need a new law barring people holding office from Twitter. Unless you are a under 18 years old you really do not need to be spending that much time on a form of social media that spits out idiocy 140 characters at a time. Good grief, my children do not spend that much time on Twitter. They are smarter and have more important things to do with their time.
I do expect my kids to show basic respect for authority, even if they don’t like them. But this is unlike anything I have ever experienced when it comes to authority. George W. Bush was not the brightest light on the porch, but he did know how to listen to his advisors. Trump is so arrogant he won’t even listen to his own staff. And he needs to, because he knows nothing about his job. You should understand your job and if you don’t, you darn sure better lean on someone who does get it. This is true at a KFC, and it is certainly true in the highest office in the U.S.A. Have your own views on the issues, views I detest, but at least do some basic things like:
A: Live in the White House – full time – with your wife. Or
B: Prepare for meetings with presidents of other countries, especially if those presidents are extremely dangerous. Or
C: If you can’t say something nice, shut up.
Crazy ideas, I know, but come on! It’s not just me, some crazy “libtard” as Internet Trump supporters like to say. Other world leaders dislike him too. Watch the Chancellor of Germany Angela Merkel roll her eyes and imagine getting to spend the day sandwiched between Putin and Trump.
Or check out the former president of Mexico, Vicente Fox.
He is now one of my new heroes.
Unlike my president. Yes, though I hate it, he is the president, but he is a lousy president and a pretty lousy human being. He could change, but I highly doubt he will. As Vicente says, he would be much happier back in his old life as jerk CEO. There’s no pressure there, and best of all, no tempting buttons to push. There was a time, back when he was first elected, when I thought people were going overboard with worry. Surely he wasn’t going to be that bad.
I was wrong. So wrong. There are scary things happening out there. Other countries with weapons that could destroy what is left of the promise of this great nation. The United States and her people deserve more than this. The world, of which the United States is one of the wealthiest, most influential nations, deserves more than this.
It deserves respect.
A Tale of Skippy
You know, I said to myself, I said, “I am not going to deal with this whole political thing anymore. Nope. I can’t. I have my own problems like depression, anxiety, disease of the week, parasites, laundry, etc. So I am just going to Let it Go. Yeah, staying out of it. I mean, sure, he’s an idiot, but you know – how much could he really do?”
I’m a snarky, sarcastic cynic who likes to brag about her dark soul, and yet somewhere, deep inside, there is this stupid thing called . . . optimism? There is. It’s there. My counselor told me about it. She said, “Alice, you are a cynic, but you still hope!” And she’s right. I do! Even though I absolutely know that people are awful, I, for some reason I’m still not sure of, continue to think people are basically decent humans. I just . . . assume this in spite of increasing evidence to the contrary. I’ll give you an example.
For roughly the length of the 2016 political race, I was working on an exhibit about the presidents of the university for which I work. Yes, more presidents. Most of them were okay. But we did have a Trump. His name was even the same as an insect. No one could get rid of him, though, because he had Congress and the Senate, er, the board of regents on his side. Even though just about every faculty member hated him, and voted to have him removed, he stayed. For SIX YEARS that luckily I was not at that university, he stayed. Yes, it’s true. I got to write about him, too, but because one member of that board of regents is still active politically around here and because it’s considered uncouth and embarrassing to admit that this guy effectively shut down academic freedom at our university, and heck, freedom of speech, I had to spin doctor this biography. I mentioned that he caused “controversy”, which made my boss cough out a snicker, but that hey, there were some things he did that didn’t destroy the fabric of education. Yeah. I felt kind of slimy after that.
But anyway, while working on this exhibit, I had the aid of a student worker. I’ll call him “Skippy” cause that’s what I actually did call him when he wasn’t there, and that was before I realized just what a little twerp he was. He just looked like a Skippy. Right, so we’d had plenty of student workers before, and I’d never had a problem with any that worked in library archives with me. In fact, I actually told one, jokingly but not, to please lower his standards cause he was making me look bad. This kid actually chose to go back to China instead of stay with us. So we got Skippy, and Skippy was different. He addressed my boss and me by “Mrs.” and last name. We told him just call us by first names. So I got to be “Miss Alice”. I felt like either a Sunday school teacher or a plantation owner.
That was just the beginning. He also didn’t know how to do anything himself and would constantly ask what to do next. Who does that? If I have nothing to do, I’m going to find something, and it’s going to be something that looks workish. But not this kid. So we gave him plenty to do. And it was so easy. I found pictures in old yearbooks, and sticky noted them, and handed them to him. Scan this. Easy. Did he scan them? No. Or he did, and somehow he did a horrible job of it. He did like to read the old newspapers, which rarely had much in them of use, but he tired me out so much it was like, yeah, you do that. But we did warn him, and my boss and I were very, very explicit in this – write on the back where you found the picture or article, the date, and what it is about. So he – did not. So we told him again, to please look these things back up and write them down. He did. He wrote useful things like “Dr. Polk giving a speech.” Well, thanks, Skippy, I knew that was Dr. Polk, and I know he’s giving a speech cause he’s standing at a podium. But what is the speech about? When was the speech? Where was the speech? Where is your source? Skippy didn’t know.
We told him to do it again. Meanwhile, I am working on biographies of the presidents that weren’t insects.
Skippy finally, finally labels the pictures and information he has collected. Hallelujah. Skippy then leaves, as it was a summer internship. We were so happy to see him go. I start putting his pictures in with the ones I collected. And everything is going well. And then I, for some reason, needed to check something in the yearbook. And I discovered that – and for some reason, this surprised me – Skippy made a bunch of crap up. His labels were WRONG. He guessed, and guessed badly, where these people were, when these things took place, etc etc etc. Wow. So, basically, I had to go backwards and dig up where all this research, some of which, remember, I handed right to him, came from. He actually made my job harder.
I don’t like Skippy much. If he shows up and says “Hi, Miss Alice,” I’m really not responsible for hurling a 1925 yearbook at his stupid little head.
But back to what I wrote out way up there, about our country’s insect, Donald Trump. I was going to stay out of politics, since I had my own troubles. Yet – I look up – and wow, that bad. Less than two weeks and – that bad. He is like Skippy, who at least has the excuse of being 20 years old. Trump, or Cheeto as I like to call him, screws up, he screws up massively, and then he lies about it. And we – are surprised. Because for some reason, that little bit of optimism just won’t die already.
He can’t even do awful stuff right either. Even if you think that the statue of Liberty with her give us your cold, weary, yearning to breathe free crap should be melted down for scrap for the pipeline those Native Americans totally need, you don’t just issue an executive order effective immediately. At least have some organization to your bigotry. Instead, he messes stuff up on a global scale. People are stranded at airports. American citizens are detained, including a five-year-old who is handcuffed. And his people defend him. And I – am amazed. Twenty executive orders in ten days. This from the party who complained that Obama had too many, even though Bush had already surpassed him.
I actually want George W. Bush back. We’ve gone that far. Already.
So people are protesting. But don’t worry, cause Republicans across the country are working at getting that whole pesky protesting stuff shut down too by writing new laws into the books! Cause freedom of religion, freedom of speech, freedom of decency, yeah, none of those are needed. Yet people voted for this guy. They voted for him. Or they just stayed home and did nothing, effectively still voting for him. Just – just thank God we don’t have to worry about Hillary’s emails. Skippy supporters, you did the right thing!
I’m lying. No you didn’t. My sixteen-year-old shouted at the television “You are the president! Presidents don’t call people “dude”! Is he ten?” I think that’s too mature. Let’s not forget he also mentioned “bad dudes” in a tweet. A presidential tweet. This is really happening.
I guess all this idiocy did one thing. It brought me out of cave of self indulgent misery, into the world of misery. Yay. But good news, because I found some great Cheeto merchandise we can all use. Like a voodoo doll. I might even create a contest for people to WIN one. If I can think of one. Thing Two suggested political Haiku. Thing One said “No, those will be awful.” Which is sort of the point, but maybe we’ll think of something.
Got any ideas? Let me know in the comment section. It’s down there. If you skipped reading this post, just make up a response. I will probably believe it. Darn that optimism.
Elsa vs Hans: How to Reform an Election
Hello, again. In case anyone was expecting a conclusion, or just hiding in their blanket forts, I’ve had a headache going on since roughly the beginning of time. Or possibly this election. It is pounding, pounding like drums of war and it looks at pain meds like “Bah!” But nevermind my sinus / tension / help us all headache, I should wrap up the election in Arendelle. It’s so easy in fairy tales.
Yes, it’s all over in Arendelle! They have a queen! Why is monarchy suddenly sounding better to me now? Look at our good neighbors in Britain. I’m pretty sure at this point that Prince George and Princess Charlotte could govern about as well their politicians, and they’re toddlers. And just think, we’d be descended from King George Washington, and the worst scandal he faced was that cherry tree thing, and we’re pretty sure that was all a set-up.
I might be losing it just a tad. I mean just because the whole thing is over on Tuesday. Which is – two days from now. But no need to PANIC. We should instead be thinking of reform, saying we get through the next four years. Here are some ideas I had while my head pounded.
- No more campaign funds from donors or even the candidates’ own personal fortunes. Each candidate is given 50 dollars from start to finish to finance their campaign. I’m thinking some trips to the Dollar Store will be in order. Think poster board and lots of crayons.
- From start the finish, the campaign season can last, at maximum, 3 months, or roughly as long as the Christmas season. No more campaigning as soon as a president sits down. Shut up and start thinking how you’re gonna spread out that 50 bucks, people.
- No more special interest groups, PACs, corporations, or whatever the heck you’re called influencing the election. They’ve already got their 50 bucks, which is a good enough allowance, so do be quiet, they don’t care about you without your money.
- Media coverage cannot be bought by either party. That’s right, media, you have to find your own news! And just like high school students, you might try citing your work! There’s not going to be as much to cover, because they will only be here for three months, so you might want to shut off the news occasionally. It’s okay. We’ll get by not knowing if former Disney stars are planning to run for president or somehow else destroy their reputation for a few hours.
- Time to reform the electoral college. First off, by explaining how it works. That bad, huh? Maybe you should try to change it. You’ve got four years. Work it out.
- Only two debates. One for the primary, one for the actual election. No more than 5 candidates allowed on stage. I don’t care how they fight it out, no one listens to more than 3 or 4 of them anyway, so just 5 in the primary. If anyone acts like a brat in either debate, either by calling names or refusing to answer a question, he or she is sent to the time out hall of shame chair. If they do it again, they don’t get to come back. No more debate for you!
- Candidates are not allowed to say mean things about their rivals. We have to leave something for the media to do – all on their own. Candidates can only give detailed plans for beginning to solve stuff like poverty. Expect a lot of quiet debates until they get used to this.
- Politicians are only allowed to communicate via those old Mission Impossible tapes that explode after the message is finished. No more twitter or email ever again.
I know there’s more, so much more, but I’ll leave it at that. If you have anything to add, please do! You can find me at Blanket Fort, Alice’s living room, Alice town, 1234HELP.
Elsa vs. Hans: The campaign continues
With the election season underway, Hans and Elsa got prepared the typical way. With parties from campaign donors.
And of course, lots of political ads.
But that’s just preparation for the big debate. Elsa leaves a quick thank you for her supporters.
After a careful Twitter search . . .
Oh oh. Elsa better keep hold of her supporters, especially the easily persuaded. Not that there are many of those . . . yeah. So we finally hear from the campaign managers of both campaigns.
Ah, Mother Gothel? Now why would she promote Hans? What is their connection? How did she come back from the dead? Questions, questions.
Shang spoke for his candidate, Elsa.
So now they are ready for the first debate. Later their VP candidates will debate too. Hans tried to choose himself, but needed someone else. You’ll soon find out, but any guesses would be fun. Stay tuned for coverage of this ridiculous, historic event.
Elsa vs Hans: The 2016 Arendelle Presidential Race
What, another election? Don’t worry, this one will be blessedly short, which is great. It also involves fictional people, which makes it even better. Also it gives me something to do cause I’m bored.
As with all monumental decisions, it started with a Facebook post.
Hans wasted no time getting his press coverage in. On Facebook. Of course.
Rapunzel had a good idea there. Popcorn makes almost everything better. I’m stocked in it for early next month. Next came the search for campaign managers and running mates. Yes, in this election the primaries were skipped because most Disney royalty are not stupid enough to run in an election. They stayed with Facebook for candidates, because I kept losing my camera. I mean it’s more efficient. Better than Twitter anyway. #twitterisforlosers
After whacking her head against some ice a few times, Elsa tries again.
Oh, if only it were so easy, Elsa. So many questions. How DID Hans get out of prison this time? Who is helping his campaign? How many scandals will surface? Will I find my camera or just have the whole thing done on Faceboook? Shouldn’t we consider that for the next election?