For Part One of A Baby Story, see here. Now for the conclusion – I promise!
One thing was missing with this whole birth thing. The labor part. They had a solution for that. They were going to give me Pitocin to start labor since baby broke my water and apparently decided to go back to sleep. But then no one came for an hour, because someone had an emergency C-section. By the time they got back, labor had started on its own. There was some pain now, but a solution. Demerol. Oh, Demerol, my good friend, how do I love thee? My husband flipped channels and settled on Nascar. I watched the cars go round and round the track. Wheeee! I was seriously high. God, I miss Demerol. That would have been cool to have the entire pregnancy.
They put a baby monitor around my belly, but it didn’t work, because my baby was like, pfft, you ain’t measuring me, just like you couldn’t tell for certain what sex I was. Suckers. So I got an internal monitor, which is just as much fun as it sounds. I went to sleep for a few hours. Things were mellow. The nurses said I probably wouldn’t deliver until like late that night, cause first babies, right? My in-laws walked in and I was like, “hellllooooo” and then realized that I felt all this pressure which made the nurse freak out a bit and get the doctor. Hey, wow, turned out I was having the baby that afternoon, not that evening. I think now she overheard them and decided to once more screw with their minds.
I got an epidural and then came the fun pushing stuff that they always make you watch on TLC but which I won’t force you to endure here. One nurse did inform me I would have hemorrhoids which I was totes worried about while pushing out a freaking baby. But then she came, and the doctor said it was a girl, and my father and husband cried while my mother and I did the “yes” sign because while we said we only wanted healthy, hells yeah we wanted a girl. Thing One, my millennial baby, had arrived.
She was supposed to be tiny, like five pounds because she was early. She was 6 and a half pounds. We have enormous babies in our family. I was a nine pounder. Not surprising I was also the last baby. Anyway, everything checked out great with her, except a bit of jaundice, something about not keeping herself warm enough, and oh yeah, she didn’t cry. At all. The doctors kept poking at her but she was like, what? They took her to the nursery, and I saw this part on film. They bathed her and combed her hair and she looked mildly annoyed but still didn’t cry. When they put her back in the bassinet she was just lying there, waving her arms and legs, studying the dust motes. A doctor said he was tempted to put a chemistry book in there with her, since she was so serious.
Thing One continued to sleep through the day and part of the night (except the part where we usually go into a deep sleep) for about a month. I think she was trying to get in what she missed in the womb. It was great, though, because she totally became my doll. I dressed her in her new clothes, sat her in the bouncy seat, took pictures, dressed her in different clothes, etc. There was a lot of pink. My husband said it was like someone threw up pepto bismal all over the closet. I liked pink though, so I thought it was great. My friend and I dragged her everywhere with us. To the movies (snore), to the mall (snore), to get professional pictures made (snore and drool).
Then my friend had to go back home. And I was alone. With baby. And holy crap, she woke up, and woke up in a big way. And things have never been the same since. She continued, as she grew, to not do what the baby books said she was supposed to do when she was supposed to do it. She scoffed at the growth charts – who needed to be on those? Petite was totally in. And why crawl or walk when someone got you crap when you needed it? She did all these things eventually, just not “on time”. She did hum “Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star” to herself as an infant, as she lay in her crib perfectly content, still staring at the dust motes. That wasn’t in the baby books. So I tossed them. I loved my Thing One just like she was. And I thought, wow, she’s such a good baby mostly, sitting there calmly playing with toys, and so quiet and sweet, wow, this parenting thing is not that hard. What is wrong with some people? And then karma did raise its ugly head, and I got pregnant with Thing Two. But that’s another baby story.
Okay, so last time I was starting to crack just a bit, but now I am so pumped you guys. Leila has her gun pointed at Ana! Yes! We’re so close. Killherkillherkillherkillher!
I mean, um, such tension! Poor, poor Ana. What to do, what to do? Oh, hey, if it isn’t Leila herself!
Alice: Leila I am so so so happy to see you!
Leila: Okey dokey.
Alice: I’m on the edge of my seat here, Leila. You have to tell us all what happened. Did her head explode like a cantaloupe? Was there a brain inside, or just a broken speak-and-spell like I’ve been suspecting?
Leila: Oh. Well. See, Ana walked in. And I pointed the gun at her. And she just stood there. So I watched her like you do those freaks at the circus.
Alice: And then you shot her.
Leila: Nooo, I spoke cryptic to her. She doesn’t like cryptic, nope. I said “alone” a bunch of times, really spooky, cause I’m Leila the friendly ghost, Alice.
Alice: Right. Okay so then you shot her.
Leila: She offered me tea. Isn’t that funny? A tea party with guns! And I started talking about Master – that’s Christian. I also call him my preciousssss.
Alice: Okay. We’re about to get to the shooting. Any minute now. I just know it.
Leila: Master came into the room then!
Alice: Great! So you shot them both!
Leila: Noooo. He stared, and I stared, and Ana stared, and so did the chair. And Ana started to wig out. She suspects that Master and I are in true love.
Alice: She would worry about something like that even with a gun at her head.
Leila: But then he said the word, and I fell to my knees and dropped the gun.
Alice: What? No, wait, what word? What word could make you do that?
Leila: Arby’s. I really like Arby’s, don’t you?
Alice: . . . .
Leila: Master took the gun and walked to me and petted me. I like being petted. Sometimes he gives me kibbles when I’m good too. Hmmm. Kibbles.
Alice: I just – you had them, Leila. Why didn’t you shoot?
Leila: That does seem weird, doesn’t it? I don’t quite know. Ana was so upset. She didn’t want to leave because Master was petting me, and not her. Nanner Nanner Anner. Taylor had to carry her out of the room because she wouldn’t go. Ha, ha, ha. Lookie, here comes Ana now!
Ana: Hey, what is SHE doing here?
Leila: Howdy Doody, Ana.
Alice: I’ve been interviewing her about the ordeal, Ana. Or is this inner goddess? Or subconscious? Or the Wizard of Oz?
Ana: I’m Ana, of course! And she should be back in the mental ward! How did you escape, Leila?
Leila: There’s this revolving door at the hospital. Round and round it goes.
Alice: Yeah, um, Ana, I hear you didn’t want to leave when Christian was comforting Leila here.
Ana: Of course not! She is a rival for my affections! I was afraid if I left he’d start making out with herrrr and not meeee!
Leila: And they put ME in the mental ward.
Alice: No kidding. Look, Ana, Leila had a psychotic break. I sincerely doubt even Christian would screw someone who’d just had a mental breakdown.
Ana: But, but she’s everything he wanted. She’s submissive and will let him tie her up and swing her from the walls and I – I just can’t do that for my man sobbbbbbb!
Leila: That’s true. Maybe we did do it. Yeah. With buttplugs. And ponies. Lots of rainbow ponies.
Ana: I KNEW IT! Noooooooo!
Leila: And then he fastened me to Snuffaluffagus, and whipped my hiney and the ponies all sang with delight!
Alice: Just – stop that! Both of you.
Ana: I’m inwardly keening.
Alice: No you aren’t. Now, just – just – what did Christian say when you told him you were worried about him getting together with Leila?
Ana: Well first I decided to drown my sorrows in booze with Ethan. I was so SAD Alice.
Leila: Sad, sad, sad pony!
Ana: Alice make her stopppp!
Alice: I’m going to hurt you both. What did Christian say, Ana?
Ana: He, he, he said it wasn’t about meeeee.
Alice: Holy shit, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but he’s actually right. It wasn’t about you, you nimrod. He was actually trying to help this poor girl he has clearly screwed up beyond repair.
Leila: Ponies, ponies, pooooonieeees!
Ana: Poor, poor Christian got so scared that I was going to leave him! So he fell to his knees before me! He wants to be my submissive!
Alice: Great. Hit him with a hammer. Then hit yourself. Please.
Ana: I must go tend to my man. Who is MY man, so leave him alone, Leila.
Leila: Okey dokey. Alice, do you want to stay with me?
Alice: In the mental ward?
Leila: We have lime Jello.
Alice: Really? Lime, huh? Sure, let’s go.