Tag Archives: pool

50 Shades Dumber Interviews The New and Improved Christian

I just finished chapter 10 of Ana’s memoirs and I can safely report that nothing happened.  When I say nothing, I mean nothing, absolutely fucking NOTHING. 

Now who am I going to ask about nothing this time?

New and Improved!

Christian: I will allow you to interview me, Miss Alice

Alice: I already did.  Under duress.

Christian: Oh, but that was the old Christian you interviewed. 

Alice: Christ.  Please say you don’t have voices in your head now.

Christian: That’s Christ-ian.  And no, I am new and improved, saved by the power of Ana’s vagin – er love.

Alice: Uh huh. 

Christian: One moment, I’m getting a call.  Great news . . . a poodle . . . swallowed the entire thing . . . how is that possible . . . I see . . . yes, tonight.

Alice: You realize that’s an Elmo phone, right? 

Christian: This is the latest and most stylish phone on the market.

Alice: It’s a kid toy.  See, I push a button and it says “Elmo is hungry!”

Elmo says Christian is a TOOL!

Christian: Nevermind that.  As I was saying, I am a changed man.  Now I make love to Ana, and don’t even smack her around while I’m doing it. 

Alice: You’re a real prince.

Christian: Actually, I am, on my mother’s side.  Did you know Taylor’s first name is Jason?  I didn’t either until this chapter.

Prince Christian

Alice: I honestly didn’t care.

Christian: Ana asked why I have no friends.

Alice: Because you’re a total jackass and people hate you?

Christian: You are making my hands twitch.

Alice: I have a real phone.  It dials 9-1-1, see?

Christian: Very well.  Ana and I went to dinner.

Alice: God this is fascinating.

Christian: She was so worried that I wouldn’t be able to relax without beating her up.  And when I said I didn’t want to take her to my playroom she told me inner goddess stomped off pouting like an angry toddler.

Alice:  I . . . what?

Leila: Oh, hi Alice.  Hello, Christian.

Come on, Leila, you can do it!

Christian: Hello Le . . . hey, wait a minute, where’s my security team?

Leila: Eating donuts.  Did you see my gun?  It goes boom boom when I pull the trigger.  Liiiike this . . .

Christian: Quick, Alice, get in front of me!  I’m too important to die!

Alice: She’s holding a water gun. 

Leila: Gotcha!  Good job putting guards on the emergency stairwell, there.  And changing the locks.  Now I have to go make another key off this one I stole out of your jewelry box.  Pooh. Buh-bye now. 

Alice: Wait – you didn’t think to change the locks until now?  Or guard the emergency stairwell? 

Christian: That Leila is too damned sneaky! 

Alice: Or your security team hates you.

Christian: Whew.  Well, I told Ana she couldn’t go to work because it’s just too dangerous and then she got madfaced.

Alice: So it’s too dangerous for her to go to work, but not to go out to dinner, go car shopping, and go sailing. 

Christian: I was there to protect her then.  And my crack security team.

Alice: That’s reassuring.

Christian: I gave Ana a tour of the apartment.

Alice: She hasn’t seen the whole apartment by now?  Oh, yeah, all you guys do is have sex, I forgot.

Christian: It’s making love now, Alice.

Alice: I may be ill.

Christian: We played pool in the library.  And I stuck my cue in Ana’s inner pocket.

I bet they played with vaginal balls

Alice: Hey, who’s that over there with the gun?  Is that Leila?

Christian: Aieeeeeeaaahhh!

Alice: And there he goes again.  Go, Leila, go.