Before we can get to chapter one, we have a prologue. And I’m so excited, because once again James has decided to change point of view for just one page! It’s a third person nightmare about four-year-old Christi-poo and dead crackwhore mom. He eats frozen peas and Pulp Fiction Pimp beats him up. Then Christian wakes up from his nightmare (but we don’t) and Ana says it’s okay and he realizes he’s in bed with that nit wit and he starts screaming all over again. Just kidding. She comforts him with her vagina and all is well. It’s a good thing I’m not scoring the prologue. This beginning doesn’t bode well for James’ transcript, you guyz.
On to Chapter One. I bet you thought there was going to be a long drawn out wedding right? Wrong! Frowny face for you guys.
Also, sadly, there was no gunfire, though I still hold out hope. No, the answer was (B) flashbacks. Congrats to you who guessed right! Smiley Face!
That’s this whole chapter – flashbacks. If it keeps up, I may have to add a deduction for those as well.
It starts with Ana on her honeymoon on a beach in France. She’s laying out catching some Melanoma rays. But after a couple of paragraphs, (cue the wavy lines) we go back to the boathouse, where Christian proposed again and they had sexy times, and Christian is nagging Ana about wedding dates. (-2 BoredNow). It only lasts another couple of paragraphs, then Christian’s waking Ana up, and forcing her out of the sun for her own good and whining about her wearing so little clothing (-2Red Flag). I mean, really, who wears a swimsuit on the beach? They call each other “Mr. Grey” and “Mrs. Grey” over and over (-2FacePalm) and then he tosses her into the ocean, yanks her ponytail and sticks his tongue down her throat in front of everybody (-2 Sexy Times). Ana wants him to just do her right there (-2 FacePalm, -2 Ana Fail) but he tosses her aside. Madfaced, Ana decides she will show Mr. Psycho by sunbathing topless (-2 FacePalm, -2 Ana Fail) because that’s a good idea considering he freaked over the bikini alone.
She falls asleep and we get ANOTHER flashback (-2 BoredNow) this time to the wedding. Christian kisses Ana as they’re pronounced husband and wife and whispers crude crap (still in front of the preacher) and makes her all hot and bothered (-2 Sexy Times). He orders her not to take off the wedding dress for going away clothes because only he can take off her dress (-2 Red Flag) and Ana thinks he looks . . . dashing (-2 FacePalm). Shockingly Ana only briefly describes the wedding location, at Christian’s house of course (this is not like Twilight at all, you guyz). Then she worries that maybe she’s married too fast, and I’m like, you think? (-2 FacePalm) but soon she forgets about it (-2 Ana Fail).
Christian wants to leave the wedding early cause he’s an asshole (-2 Red Flag) but Ana is forced to dance w/ his so old grandfather (-2 Ana Fail) and Jose acts like a desperate fop as usual. Ana tells Mom she can’t change cause Christian told her not to (-2 Red Flag) and her mother actually points out she doesn’t have to obey him (SHOCK). Christian whisks her away then to his jet that apparently has an entire house inside (-2 WTF). Ana notices the flight attendant is a pretty brunette and is bitchy madfaced (-2 Ana Fail) and there’s boring talk (-2 BoredNow) and they go back and have Sexy Times (-2 Sexy Times) with more of that flipping I.love.you.so.much crap (-2 FacePalm) and Christian says she belongs to him again (-2 Red Flag).
Then flashback over when Christian wakes her up by screaming at her (-2 Red Flag) because she’s showing off her boobs to everybody. End chapter.
-48 points for a score of 52 or as we like to say in real English classes:
Note: It is
possible probable I added incorrectly. I’m an English major, not a Math major. And it’s like, my test.
Question Two: What happens in Chapter 2?
- Christian trusses Ana up like a stuck pig and fucks her till she screams. Romance!
- The yacht blows up, sending Christian and Ana chunks across the ocean blue.
- Ana shows a spine for a few seconds and tells Christian she can dress how she wants, but then remembers she has no self-respect or brain power and goes back to normal.
Good luck, and may the odds be evah in your favor. Speaking of, wouldn’t it be great if we could put Christian and Ana in the Hunger Games? And they both died horrible deaths? And then they brought them back to life and killed them all over again? Stay tuned!
*I got frowny faces in preschool. Nothing like making a four-year-old feel like a loser. F-you, former teachers.
Welcome back to Snark School, loyal readers, for 50 Shades
I have decided to switch things around a bit. I will still give my snarky recaps, but have decided to add a point system for all the irritating stuff we have come to expect from these stupid books. At first I thought about a drinking game, but then realized I would be responsible for the alcohol poisoning of all my loyal readers. This should be safer, and I think it will be fun to grade James since she obviously has never gone to school ever. Here’s how it works. There may be additions / changes as needed.
Everytime one of these actions occurs, there will be 2 points off. Like basketball, only in reverse, and much less squeaky.
Plot (hahaha) Points
Red Flag (Every time Christian acts like an abusive asshole)
Ana Fail (Every time Ana acts like an idiot, a bitch or a spineless twit)
Sexy Times (Every time they have sex, talk about having sex, or have stupid foreplay)
Email Abuse (Every time they freaking email each other)
AliceRage (when something pisses Alice off)
FacePalm (when something makes Alice say D’oh)
BoredNow (when Alice is rendered near comatose by nothing happening)
WTF (when Alice can’t figure out wtf just happened)
The points will be subtracted from 100, and a grade given for each chapter. Also there will be tests for the readers as well, but they will be fun. For instance:
Prediction Multiple Guess Quiz (wherein readers guess what will happen in the next chapter)
Question One: What will happen in Chapter One?
A. There is a long, drawn out description of the whole wedding including Ana’s dress, how much it cost, the number of sequins, and the fancy pants designer as well as a description of the entrees, the preacher’s entire speech, all of Ana and Christian’s sappy vows, and every single person attending and what they’re wearing.
B. There are a bunch of stupid, confusing flashbacks to stuff that hasn’t happened.
C. Leila shows up at the wedding with a gun and shoots Christian and Ana, but has four bullets left, so also shoots Christian’s dippy sister Mia, Dr. Flynn, Jose, and Mrs. Robinson, thus taking care of several obnoxious characters at once. She is awarded a medal of honor.
Put your prediction (A, B, or C) in the comments below. The answer will be revealed in the next exciting post, as well as a recap of the first crappy chapter!
Also, there was a request for a contest, so here goes. Whoever gets the answer right will receive a smiley face. Whoever gets it wrong will get the dreaded frowny face. At the end of this book – I’m assured it eventually ends – tally up your happy faces and whoever has the most, or has continued to count or whatever, will receive AliceBling. Who can resist that? Class starts next time – don’t be tardy!