My readers have responded that I might have real deranged blurbs along with my imaginary deranged ones! Thanks, guys! Alice feels the LOVE.
“Dear Alice, you’re funny, and stuff. May you get these words tattooed on your left arm”.
– Le Clown
“I’m so fracking jealous that sad pony commented on Alice’s blog. I want a sad pony comment….okay, right, this is not about me…so yeah, I like Alice’s blog lots and lots like sad-pony lots.”
“I heard E. L James refer to your blog as ‘a spanking good read’ and don’t forget what Shakespeare said, ‘ Forsooth yon maid dost write with inflection and wit, prithee all should gaze on the visage of her blog.”
“Miss Four Eyes thinks Alice is hilarious. Alice is one of the bravest people Four Eyes knows for reading and blogging about butt plugs. And Alice has the best squirrel on the whole blogosphere! Four Eyes has also contracted the third person disease from Alice, who caught it from Le Clown, who ripped off Elmo. Elmo’s world theme song is now stuck in Four Eyes’s head.”
“Well, if Oprah likes Alice’s blog, then Jillian can’t not like it (sorry – the double negative kind of fell in there…). Because Oprah rules the world, and we all know it.”
Also, the amount of hilarity in your blog posts brings joy and happiness to my life! =D”
“Alice never disappoints. She’s full of raucous fun and wonderment. My day is not complete without a visit to her blog. For reals.”
“Storkhunter this Alice is the most funniest and altruistic blogger ever. She reads brain-bleeding books and writes about them so others shouldn’t risk the loss of brain power. Alice also lent Stork Sad Pony for a day. Stork likes Sad Pony, but Alice needs him more.”
“Alice, you are truly wonderful! In fact, I could go as far as saying that you’re lovely, wonderful, fantastic, georgous and stuff. (It’s the “stuff” that makes this saying work, I promise.)”
“Alice alice, bo balice, banana fana, fo phallus. Me my mo malice. ALICE!
Alice, the phallus with malice.
I’m just here for the open bar.”
Also, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Doggy’s Style who pointed out that there is not actually a blog for lepers. This should really be addressed. LepersRPeople2 you know. I am not mentioning Jen and Tonic who spoke of the dreaded clown’s camel ball on my press release blurb comment section. Bad, Jen. Bad, bad.
*Post number something or other in the Blog-a-Day Challenge*
Hey you guys are not going to believe this. Well, yes you will. Le Clown has a press release section. It’s full of blog posts praising him. (I have one in there – actually I’m mostly being whiny that he got pressed and I didn’t but kudos for putting it in there anyhoo.) But here’s the deal. Alice does not have lots of posts created purely to praise her.
Oh, sure, I get plenty of awesome comments that are awesome (and I need a thesaurus) but entire posts? Not nearly that many! (Okay, I remember these by you Speaker, and Stork Hunting, and Ravin, and if I’m forgetting anyone write me a comment or just write nasty posts about me thanks. But this takes away from my experience of gross injustice, so shhh for now, kay?) Anything a burning clown can do, I can do better. So I think I’ll start my own press release section. The only problem is that I don’t have very many releases at this point. No matter. Alice can compensate.
(As an aside, did you notice that sometimes Alice speaks in third person? She contracted her illness from Le Clown who contracted it from Elmo.)
I’m always seeing posts about how to improve your blog, and this seems like the way to do it. And as I always say, if at first you don’t succeed in suckering people into writing you posts, cheat. So I have. Here are some excerpts. Check it out.
“Alice is the best blogger I have ever met. I want to marry her blog and have bloggy babiezz.” – SomeFancyPressedBlog
“Alice is so inspiring, I have decided to stop drinking and start doing acid.” – Ernest Hemingway
“After reading Alice’s blog, I figured out that I have no talent and should never, ever write another book so help me God. Thanks, Alice!” – E.L. James
“We can’t believe we have not freshly pressed Alice’s blog. We are so ashamed. From now on we will wear bags over our heads.” – WordPress
“After reading this blog, my leprosy was healed!” – LepersRpeople2blog
“Alice, this may sound crazy, but call me, maybe?” – David Hasselhoff
“I’m adding this blog to my blog club because it is so totally authentic and not at all filled with shallow lies!” – Oprah
“I never thought I’d find work again, but then Alice’s blog came along and now I am slightly less likely to break my own leg” – Sad Pony
“I thought I was totally messed up, and then I saw Alice’s blog. I feel much better now.” – The Mad Hatter
See? It’s easy to find praise if only you don’t care much about honesty or sanity! All that crap about cheaters never prosper? Pffft. They just didn’t want you to cheat and get all the really cool stuff that cheaters get. Like fabulously famous blogs like mine.
So remember, kids, it pays to cheat. It also pays to endlessly harass clowns. Although only his friends get to harass him, which means any trolls that say nasty things are going to have to deal with Alice, who if you might remember, defeated the freaking Jabberwock. You’ve been warned.
This has been my PSA for today. You’re welcome.