Tag Archives: psychiatrist

50 Shades Dumber Interviews Dr. Flynn

By Alice on | 4 Comments

Today, reader, we’re in for a great session.  A session with Dr. Flynn, Psychiatrist Man.  I know I could use a visit with a shrink at this point.  Although the only thing I can think to say at this point is whyyyyyyy?  Just why? Why, why, why, why, why, why . . .

Dr Flynn
Psychiatrist Man

 

Pardon me.  I managed to catch Dr. Flynn just as he was leaving the masked ball and he agreed to meet with me in his office late at night.  He says he does this with all his clients.  Also, he has a cage in his office instead of a couch.  I’m a little suspicious but he says this is a “new kind of therapy.”

Alice: Dr. Flynn, I’m glad you made room in your busy schedule to . . . is there something hissing in your desk drawer?

Flynn: Possibly.  How does that make you feel, Alice?

Alice: Let’s get to the questions.  How long have you been Christian’s psychiatrist?

Flynn: Oh, it’s been ages. 

Alice: Don’t you have actual records?

Flynn: Oh, no.  While he’s talking to me, I just doodle on my notepad.  See these are my notes from the last session.

Alice: That’s a pony jumping over a rainbow.

Dr. Flynn’s notes

Flynn: Impressive, isn’t it?  So I guess you’d like me to tell you all about Christian.

Alice: You can’t do that.  There’s that doctor / patient confidentiality thing.

Flynn: Oh, posh.  Christian and I are great friends.  I’m sure he wouldn’t mind me telling you how fucked up he is.  He’s 50 shades of fucked up, you know.  I told him that in our first session.  I said, “Wow, you’re 50 shades of fucked up.”

Alice: Just . . . I don’t even . . .

Flynn: We had such a great time at the masked ball.  First we ate.  Would you like to see the entire menu?  Or a list of all of the prizes offered for a meaningless drawing?

Alice: Why would anyone need to see that?  You’re showing it all to me anyway.  Of course you are.

Flynn:  After we ate, there was this fundraiser. Worthy cause.  Something about kids and drugs.  Maybe it pays for their drugs, I don’t know.  Anyway, they had a bidding war for a first dance with the ladies.  I bid on his girlfriend, and then he bid more, and I bid more, and it was so much fun.

Alice: You . . . bid on your client’s girlfriend?

Flynn:  Sure, why not?

Alice: Because you’re a freaking psychiatrist!  You aren’t supposed to be friends with your clients, or spend time after hours with your client, and you sure as hell are not supposed to BID on their girlfriends.

Flynn: You are so closed minded, Alice.  It’s not like I won her anyway.  Christian bid 100,000 dollars on her, and I really couldn’t go over 25,000 dollars.

SOLD to the psycho in the front row!

Alice: I didn’t think psychiatrists were quite that wealthy.

Flynn: It helps when you charge 50,000 per session.  So after the bidding, I cut in on a dance with the lovely Ana.  She’s such a beauty, and so smart too!  Did you know she plays six musical instruments, speaks fluent Mandarin, and is keen on yoga?

Alice: I buy the yoga part, since Christian twists her into a pretzel routinely.  The only instrument she plays, though, is her vagina, and she can’t even speak English well, much less Mandarin.  Why would she need to speak Mandarin anyway?

Flynn: Because Ana is a special snowflake and can do anything!  She can even dance while vaginal balls are stuffed up her hoo ha.

Alice: That’s the kind of skill you could put on a resume.

Flynn: Isn’t it?  Ah, those crazy lovebirds are always being crazy!  They snuck off a couple of times to bump and grind.  I know because I listened at his bedroom door.

Alice: That is creepy and weird.

Flynn: They did have some trouble with Christian’s Mrs. Robinson.  Cute name for his molester, don’t you think?

Alice: No.

Flynn: She warned Ana to not hurt Christian, and then Christian called her and told her to quit bothering her.

Alice: I thought they were both at the same ball.  Why call her?

Flynn: Because . . . well, next they had fireworks, and you know how Ana is fascinated by shiny things!  She was so cute.  They had security all around since Leila has been stalking them.  But Ana was rightly most concerned about Mrs. Robinson, who passed her a note saying she’d beat her up if she messed with Christian and to, you know, call her.

Alice: Huh?

Flynn: Oh, her car was also vandalized.  Someone took a Louisville Slugger to both headlights, slashed a hole in all four tires and carved her name into the leather seats . . . wait, that’s a country song.  No, someone threw paint on her car and slashed the tires.  Of course that someone is Leila, cause who else would want to do that to Ana?  Scary, isn’t it?

Alice: Not really.

Missed opportunities, Leila.

Flynn: So they left, but later Christian called me so upset!  He needed counseling because someone broke into his apartment!  I told him to go in and check it out himself.

Alice: Good plan there.  Last question.  What do you think of Ana?

Flynn: Well, I just adore her, but not enough to go against Christian!  That guy used to beat the shit out of his classmates when he was a kid.  A real juvenile delinquent.  Isn’t that charming?

Alice: Hey, that fits right in on that last question on my psychopath survey.  I knew it!

Flynn:  Well, it’s a good thing I’m not going to tell you about Christian’s issues, or we’d be here all night!  Get it?  That’s a psychiatrist joke.

Alice: No it’s not.  Where exactly did you get your degree?

Dr. Flynn: Are you trying to call me an expensive charlatan?  Because I’ll have you know I’ve got real degrees from ShrinksRUsUniversity.

Alice: That’s not a university.

Dr. Flynn: It is on the internet.  See, I’ve even got a certificate.

Alice: That’s an adoption form for a Cabbage Patch Doll.

Dr. Flynn: Ah, well, university degrees are for elitists.

Alice: Uh huh.  Well, I think that’s all the questions I have for you.

Dr. Flynn: If you ever need a shrink, give me a call, hmm?

Alice: Sure.  I’m just going to, you know, back out of here slowly and watch you the entire time, ‘kay?  Bye now.

Posted in: 50 Shades of Grey | Tagged: , , , , , , , , ,

POWERTOOLS ARE MY FRIENDS

By Alice on | 11 Comments
I know that men can become attached to their tools and machines.  When you start having conversations with your equipment, though, you might have a bit of a problem.  Next up: two children’s shows feature talking tools and machines.  (What is it with these talking inanimate object shows?  Are there not enough animate objects to make shows about?  Like, say, giant mutant dogs?  Nevermind.)  Our first contestant is:
 
Bob the Builder
                Bob is a likable enough guy.  He is a builder – hence the name of the show.  But he doesn’t do the job alone.  He also works with Wendy (they’re just friends) and a lot of different vroom-vroom machines, making him a natural favorite for boys.  These machines of his, though, are not ordinary machines.  They are living machines, which technically means they are both Bob’s equipment AND employees.  I’m not sure how you would figure out your taxes in that sort of situation.  Are they dependents or work related expenses?
Surprise, Wendy
EEEEEK!
                Either way, they are a little unsettling.  Machines were created because they offered many of the positives of an employee (working until they break) with none of the downsides (expecting a paycheck).  But here Bob has to deal with both.  So you have to wonder – does he pay the machines?  If not, are they slaves, or even weirder, adopted children?  They do act like children, often running off and doing their own thing and messing up Bob’s projects.  He and Wendy  do seem like parents, always disciplining their construction equipment.  And from what I can tell, just like children, the machines have no freaking off switch.  What a pain.
                The machines had names.  I don’t remember all of them, but there was a cement mixer named Dizzy that particularly got on my nerves.  That one was supposed to be a she, I think, although I don’t want to know how you would determine that.  She had an irritating voice, and was always spinning around, cement sloshing around her insides.  Then there was a crane named Lofty, who suffered from self-esteem issues.  I wish I was making this up.  Whenever the crew would yell their catch phrase – later cleverly stolen by Obama as a campaign slogan – “Can we build it?  Yes we can!”, the crane would always add, “Yeah, I think so.”  Because you can never be too sure of your abilities, even when you were specifically built to do the job. 
Haha, welcome to the
nighmare, kids!
                Oh, no, I almost forgot Spud.  No, he wasn’t a talking potato; that would be silly.  He was a talking scarecrow, and a real jerk too.  I wanted one of the machines to “accidentally” rip the thing apart.   Spud proves that the delusions extend past the construction equipment, although interestingly enough, not to the animal characters.  The idea that these machines really are alive reminds me of a Stephen King horror novel, so I’m going to say that they must be Bob and Wendy’s delusions.  Of course, I’m not certain that Wendy – and the other people in the town – are all having the delusion.  Maybe they are just humoring Bob, because they’re afraid he’ll snap like that Killdozer guy.  If you haven’t seen him, you should really check him out on youtube.  Talk about a trip.
                According to Wikipedia, “The show emphasizes conflict resolution, co-operation, socialization and various learning skills.”  Well, okay, I guess it emphasizes all these things, but personally, I think Bob would be better off getting his socialization AWAY from the construction equipment.  Just me, though.
                But it’s not just Bob who has a strange attachment to work related objects.  There’s also:
Handy Manny
                Handy Manny is a lot like Bob, only he’s Hispanic, and he talks to tools, not construction equipment.  His “friends” all ride around together in his tool box, until he needs to take them out to help him with some project.  This show came on after my children were a little old for it, thank goodness, so I don’t have quite as much experience with it.  I have seen bits and pieces of the show, as well as the toys, and it’s enough to be a least a little curious about the prospect of animate tools.
                I had to look up the characters on Wikipedia, since I didn’t know their names.  I think I am even more disturbed now.  Observe:
Turner:  a flat head screwdriver with a fondness for babies (don’t even want to think about it)
Imagine opening your toolbox
to find . . . .THIS
Pat:  a stupid hammer (maybe they shouldn’t have pounded him against nails)
Squeeze:  a female pair of pliers (again I don’t want to know how they tell)
Rusty: a paranoid monkey wrench
Dusty: a female handsaw.  Don’t make her angry, she’ll cut you!  And laugh while you’re bleedin’!
Flicker: a bilingual flash light.  He flashes his light when excited.  Okay.
                There are others, but I got bored going through the list.  I think they’re enough, anyway.  Could you imagine if your tools could talk back to you?  Now I’m not a mechanic, but I do use tools.  I have to wonder how pleased my pencil would be with me, what with repeatedly shaving his head off, then forcing him to leave a trail of his lead blood on my paper, just so I can write. 
Wrench: My teeth hurt
Hammer: Bang. . . bang . . . bang
                Manny’s tools are part of his team, and his good pals.  No one else seems to think it’s strange that he talks to them, and they talk back, so maybe they’re humoring him as well.  I’m guessing he and Bob have the same psychiatrist.  That would make things simpler.  Anyway, I’m sure you’re thinking that I’m overanalyzing a cute kid’s show.  But think about it.  Especially the hammer.  He’s pounding the thing, over and over again, right in the face.  Is there a CPS for tools, because that seems a bit much.  No wonder the thing is a moron; all his brain cells were pounded out.  And all so Manny could get a nail in some wood.  Are you happy, Manny?
                Then there’s Dusty, who you must remember was used as an effective weapon in many horror movies.  I could just see that freak scarecrow grabbing Dusty, jumping into Muck the bulldozer and going on a homicidal rampage through cartoon land.  Let’s hope they stop at the World Tree on their way.
                Final Analysis:
Talking construction equipment/ tools: Yes
Tool Abuse: Yes
Delusional characters: Yes
                                                                                                                                       Didacticism: Just Weird
Posted in: Children's TV Reviews | Tagged: , , , , , , ,