I was going to do a recap, and then my sensible subconscious refused to read and got in a fight with my inner goddess that loves watching train wrecks and they had this big fight and now my brain hurts. So instead of a recap this time, I thought I’d prepare a question and answer page. You’ve got questions; I’ve got answers. Not necessarily intelligent or even relevant answers, but answers. Here we go.
Q1: You didn’t read this for the lolz. You read it for the smut, right?
A1: The smut is part of the lolz. So yes, in a way. An example of said smut:
“He kneels and pulls a condom onto his considerable length. Oh no . . . Will it? How?” (Ch8 p105)
Yes, how? How did this get published? How?
Q2: Why did you cave into the peer pressure?
A2: I missed that afterschool special. I was jumping off cliffs with my friends.
Q3: Why do women act like they don’t like porn and then read stuff like this?
A3: This is not porn! This is like the best luv story since Twilight! Example:
“I will fuck you, any time, any way I want – anywhere I want. I will discipline you, because you will screw up. I will train you to please me.” (Ch13 p182)
That Christian Grey! You don’t get more romantic than that, ladies.
Q4: Why are people so giggly about these books when there is real porn around?
A4: It’s not porn you guyz, it is a story of Tru Luvs! See here:
“I want you sore, baby,” he murmurs, and he continues his sweet, leisurely torment, backward, forward. “Every time you move tomorrow, I want you to be reminded that I’ve been here.”(Ch8 p109)
Just stick a flag in her, Christian, and be done with it.
Q5: What is the point of this book?
A5: I . . . just . . . don’t . . . know.
Q6: Four chapters and not so much as a safe word?
A6: You need safe words to read this book. I’ve been screaming mine repeatedly, but the story just keeps going anyway.
Q7: How old is this author?
A7: Asked and answered by the same person! She’s 49! No, really!
Q8: Does Ana really have all these subconscious voices that speak to her? Do they have a dialogue together?
A8: Oh, yeah, sometimes the voices fight Ana, and sometimes they fight with each other. Here’s a fun example.
“You can’t be seriously considering this . . . My subconscious sounds sane and rational, not her usual snarky self. My inner goddess is jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year-old. Please, let’s do this . . . otherwise we’ll end up alone with lots of cats and your classic novels to keep you company.” (Ch11 p152)
Girl, you’re twenty freaking one. You don’t have to take the first psychopath who comes along. I’m sure there are plenty more out there and you will find every last one of them.
Q9: Is one voice a slut and one a virgin?
A9: That’s a toughie, since I’ve counted at least three voices so far. Sometimes it seems like one voice is either sensible or slut-shaming, and the other is both childlike and sex-crazed. Which makes so much sense.
“My subconscious shakes her head. You wanted to run to the Heathman for sex – you had it express delivered. She crosses her arms and taps her foot with a what-are-you-complaining-about look on her face.” (Ch12 p167)
Just a chapter or two ago, this same voice was shaming Ana for losing her virginity to someone she didn’t know. Now it thinks she should be appreciative that Christian went to her house uninvited and sexed her up. E.L. James can’t even keep Ana’s psychoses in character! Jeez.
Q10: Does Ana have Multiple Personality Disorder?
A10: She has so many disorders. The biggest one is Dumb.
“I thought it was chocolate fudge brownie sex that we had, with a cherry on the top. But hey, what do I know?”
Nothing, Ana. When you shake your head, there is a tiny, tiny rattling sound.