Tag Archives: Quasimodo

21 Days of Gratitude and Stuff: the ABCs

I have been involved in some GROUP therapy work which is supposed to make me less Sad Pony and Squirrel and more like my usual sarcastic self.

What?

Pfft, whatever.

YayyyythiswillbefunIamgratefulfornutsandsadponyandnuts!

Yayyyy this will be fun I am grateful for nuts and sad pony and Alice and nuts!  I just pooped on the keyboard!

Day 1 was just signing a pledge that I would do it.  Here is my pledge.

I, Alice, pledge to do this gratitude thing because why the heck not.

Today is Day 2.  I was instructed to make an alphabetical list of things I am grateful for, so I sought help from my Things and whatever came up off the top of my head.

We want to eat your souuuul!

We want to eat your souuuul!

A: Asphalt – we drive on it and it beats dirt

B: Birth control – I only have two kids! Yay!

C: Calculator – because I am bad at Math

D: Dragon Tales – the show that got me lots of hits from angry crazed fans.

What is WRONG with some people?

The show still sucks.

E: Elevator – cause I’m too lazy for stairs

F: That word I cannot say

G: Garage – where my husband goes

H: Hatahs – cause they gonna hate hate hate but I’ll shake ’em off, shake ’em off

I: Internetz!!!!

J: Jesus – cause I’m afraid not to list Him

Muffin?

Muffin?

K: Kmart – low low prices!

L: Lunatic – which I am not hurray!

M: Money – I likes it

N: Nice people – cause I can take advantage of them, I mean, cause they’re nice!

O: Organs – Cause livers and spleens are good things to have.

P: Pee!: Always a relief

Q: Quasimodo – Reminds me I do NOT have a hump!

Hugs!!!

Hugs!!!

R: Radio – even if it was killed by video

S: Spammers – Who are like half my readers!  Much to the thanks, guys!

T: My Things (or children, whatever)

U: Ugly people – they make me feel pretty

V: Victory – I like beating people.

W: Words – they go in the sentences (please tell E.L. James)

X: Xanax!  Woooooot!

Y: Yeti – they are all white and fluffy and eat people

Z: Zantac – beats acid indigestion

 

What do you think?  Do you have an alphabetical grateful list?  Could you make one and put it in my comments section?  The weirder the better.  The best one I’ll list in a future post with a link back to their blog so spammers can find them!  Or you can NOT do it, see if I care.

Alice

 

Behind the Fairy Tale: The Hunchback of Notre Dame

hunchback poster

Okay, kiddos, today’s Disney movie is going to be . . . wait, what?  Um, I mean, oh how cool!  It’s about a guy with horrible deformities who is locked up in a bell tower by a lustful, racist, and let’s not forget evil, judge named Frollo.  And there’s a hot gypsy girl who pole dances, and a goat, and this dude name Phoebes with an awful goatee.

I’m starting to think this is a totally different kind of movie.

Okay, here we go.  First things first, I loved this movie.  Really, I did.  My only problem was that, well, strangely enough this book did not seem like the sort of book you’d translate to a children’s movie.  I hear “Victor Hugo” and I don’t think “happy happy joy joy” in other words.  But Disney meant well.  I mean there was a message.  That people are horrible, horrible creatures and really there should be another flood.

No, no!  Sorry. I mean that people should be accepted for what’s on the inside, not the outside.  As in emotions, not the condition of their livers, although that’s important too. But I’m getting away from the story, or, at least, the Disney version of it.  Here we go.

It starts with Frollo chasing this gypsy woman who races for the church hoping for protection.  She makes it, but wouldn’t you know, bonks her head on the steps and dies.  Frollo takes the bundle from her hands and realizes the baby she was holding looks just like Dick Cheney.  In horror, he tries to throw the baby down the well.

THE HORROR

It’s hard to blame the guy, really.

But the priest steps out (about time) and reminds Frollo that murdering women and infants at a church is like a level 10 sin, so Frollo asks what he should do to keep from taking a hot bath in the afterlife.  The priest says for him to raise the baby himself and . . . wait, wasn’t this guy just about to kill this baby?  And we think CPS is goofed up today.  Anyway, Frollo agrees, and locks the kid up in the bell tower like so many other awesome Disney parents.

So Quasimodo (a name that rolls off the tongue) grows up alone in the tower.  Okay, I was kidding about Dick Cheney, but he is really deformed, and there’s only so much Disney can do to cuten up a hunchback with a face that looks like it is sliding off his head.  But to their credit, they give old Quasi a great personality and an awesome singing voice.  Women dig that stuff.  He is totally going to get the girl.

Hugs!!!

Hugs!!!

If he can get out of the bell tower, cause right now all he has for company are these singing stone gargoyles (he’s been alone a long time, okay?) and the less said about them the better.  But he lucks out when the city has Topsy Turvy day in which the lowly people get to dress up in costume and pretend to be the ones in charge.  For one day, they actually have a decent government.  The costume day is perfect for Quasi, who has the best permanent costume ever.

He puts on a cloak, sneaks out, and ends up backing into the hot gypsy girl’s tent.  Lucky hunchback!  Esmerelda is all, no biggie, and Quasi watches as she dances for the crowd and Frollo who says “Look at that display”.  His goatee’d captain of the guard, Phoebus says, “YES SIR.”  I liked that line.  Essy dances and yes, at one point swings around a pole stripper style.  Holy CRAP, Disney.

Esmerelda

This one’s for the kids, but dads like it too!

Then comes the ugly man contest.  Esmerela thinks Quasi’s mask is great until she tries to pull it off in front of a huge crowd of people who suddenly turn into a pack of wild orangutangs, only hurling tomatoes instead of poo.  There might have been some of that too, I don’t know, but it’s really a seriously dark scene, with Quasi ripping his shirt to escape his bonds while the crowd tries to torture him.  Holy CRAP, Disney.

Esmerelda steps up and demands they stop, and Frollo demands they arrest her, alive you know, cause he has the hots for her too, and Disney’s not quite that dark.  She runs and the captain chases after her, but she makes it inside the church.  Phoebus tries to pick her up while arresting her, and they argue and fight and yeah, I can’t imagine where this is going.  But she has sanctuary here, despite Frollo showing up and demanding the girl (he should totally try that Protestant thing like Henry VIII did).  He puts guards everywhere, and the freewheeling gypsy is trapped!

But not alone.  She befriends Quasi, who helps her to escape.  Frollo ain’t happy.  He has a scene in front of the fire where he creepily sniffs Esmerelda’s scarf (oh I forgot, he sniffed her hair earlier – iiiick) and imagines her body gyrating in the flames, tempting him to sin while a huge chorus of red cloaks threatens hellfire.  No, really.  Holy CRAP, Disney.

The little ones love this part.

Totally kid fare here.

Frollo then starts burning everyone’s houses cause he’s all madfaced at not finding Essy, and wow, clearly we’re not near election time.  Phoebus refuses to burn a house, then rescues the cute little family from the flames.  Essy, who is still in hiding, sees this and is all he’s like hot and brave and who was that hunchback again?  Frollo fires Pheebes, and he is chased off and shot in the shoulder.  Essy rescues him and drags him back to the church.

Poor, pathetic Quasi lets them in, and watches while Esmerelda crushes his dreams of ever having love by makin’ out with Phoebus on his sick bed before running off to Gypsyville – otherwise known as the Court of Sewer Rats, er Miracles.  Frollo tells Quasi he knows where the gypsy hideout is, so Quasi and the injured Phoebus (I like how Quasi helps him with his injury as roughly as possible) use this necklace of Esmerelda’s to find the hideout – also leading Frollo there as well.  Whoops.

The gypsies are arrested, and when Essy refuses Frollo with a well-placed spit, she’s put on her own spit surrounded by fire.  Quasi bursts through his chains to rescue her, swinging from the belltower, picking her up and someone managing to swing back UP to the cathedral, completely defying gravity.  He is one amazing hunchback.  Maybe they should get him on a superhero team or something.

Don't worry.  This totally worked in Star Wars.

Don’t worry. This totally worked in Star Wars.

Frollo breaks in, fights Quasi, and has one of those patented evil villain fall deaths.  Quasi accepts that Essy and Phoebus are an item, and when they lead him to the door of the cathedral,the crowd lifts him in their arms and cheer for him and wasn’t this the same crowd who wanted to kill him earlier and nevermind.  Quasi might not have the girl, but he has his freedom, so happy happy, the end.  And maybe they’ll get all those fires put out eventually.

Now for the story behind the, well, creepy Disney tale.  It’s even creepier and darker, of course, with pretty much everyone ending up dead at the end.  Phoebus is a worse creeper than Frollo, Esmerelda is hanged, and Quasi climbs in the grave with her.  Later they find their bones together.  Isn’t that charming?  So yeah, at this point, I’m gonna go with the Disney version, even if it does make old Victor Hugo roll in his own grave.

Man I'm bummed.  I think I'll write a depressing book.

Man I’m bummed. I think I’ll write a depressing book.

So did any of you see the Disney movie or read the original book?  If so, what did you think?  Come back for our next Behind the Fairy Tale: Mulan.  Nothing creepy here, just a little harmless cross dressing.  And genocide.  Stay tuned!

Posture Queen

One of the things I’ve learned from yoga is the importance of posture.   Turns out if you slump, this does negative things to your back.  So THAT explains Quasimodo.  I bet that bell tower he lived in was not ergonomically correct.

If only he'd had a lumbar cushion, this tragedy might not have happened.

If only he’d had a lumbar cushion, this tragedy might not have happened.

I know for sure my desk isn’t.  It’s from the 1970s, back when computers still filled up a room and no one dreamed we’d all be working on one that could fit on a desk.  So we have these old desks with no pull out tray and somehow my wrists have not taken this very well.  Whereas I used to cramp after writing a letter, now I cramp when I type for an extended period of time.  This is BAD.  I mean, maybe not for some of you who are saying for the love of GAWD pleeze stop with the 50 Shades.  But without writing, I think my head might explode.

Back to posture.  See, posture affects everything.  Bad posture can make it hard to breathe, can mess up your back, your neck, your head, your butt, your legs, and of course your wrists.  Carpal tunnel, man, it sucks especially when people leave scalpels in your body.  With my luck, that would happen if I had surgery.  I’d have a knife in me, or worse, a cell phone and I’d keep getting that doctor’s phone calls and wonder what that strange ringing noise in my stomach was and and I’d finally go totally insane.

And she would be my doctor.

And with my luck, she would be my doctor.

So posture is important.  This is where yoga comes in – it shows you how to have good posture.  In mountain pose, you’re supposed to stand firm – like a mountain.  Which is tall and firm.  Unless there is, like, an avalanche.  This happens to me on the yoga mat sometimes.  And obviously posture is important while sticking your butt in the air during Downward Dog.  Although turns out this is killer on your wrists.  Who knew, what with balancing all your weight on them and all.  Yet yoga teachers are OBSESSED with Downward Dog.  You have to wonder about yoga teachers sometimes.

So I’m trying to get all ergonomic, as much as I’m able.  I stuck my monitor on a phone book to make it more level.  And I adjusted my chair, though my chair was probably made in the 80s back when aerobics was king and no one gave a damn about posture as long as you jumped a lot and wore spandex.  So my chair sucks too, ergonomically speaking.  I’ve been typing nonsense for a while now and guess what?  Cramp.  What to do, what to do.  I KNOW!  A video!

Don't worry, it's not "Let's Get Physical".  I don't WANT to hear her body talk.

Don’t worry, it’s not “Let’s Get Physical”.  She is never going to win the posture contest that way.

This is one of the best videos ever – at least it is when made fun of by the MST3K robots.  If you’ve never watched these guys rip bad movies apart, you really should.  And they’re even funnier on old shorts from the 40s and 50s.  This short is the exciting story of a teacher who spends an entire week teaching posture.  The kids who do the best become king, queen, prince, or princess of posture!  Don’t knock it, you guyz.  I was actually elected Queen of Posture back in 3rd grade and it looks awesome on a college application.

So anyhoo, sit back and enjoy and be happy we are no longer back in the good ole’ days.