Tag Archives: rants

Rants With Alice: Mind Your Own Freaking Business!

Okay, so it’s another pneumonia related post, but since it’s still hanging on me, it can hang on you too.  That’s just the kind of mood I’m in, peoples.  I am much better, but tend to get exhausted after walking, like, ten feet.  Our parking situation is less than ideal, which you’d know if you’d read my post (No Parking).  So, since I get so tired so easily my boss suggested I get temporary handicapped parking.

Here’s where it starts to get fun, guys.  I asked the doctor for a note and took it to the university’s parking services, because I figured they controlled everything on their campus (they try to, at least).  Well, not that.  So I went back to the doctor and he filled out a form and I signed and some notary person signed and I took it to the DPS in town and paid five dollars and ta-da I had a fancy new placard to hang from my rearview mirror.  It’s not exactly stylish.  I’m thinking of fixing it up with some glitter and rhinestones so it can be all handicapped blingy.

Needs more bling.

Wheee, close parking!  Finally something halfway decent was coming out of this lung crapola.  Granted, I would have preferred breathing clearly to having a nice parking place, but I’ll take what I can get.

But it gets EVEN BETTER, guys.  I have no problems the first day, but the second day using my handicap bling I’m walking toward the library’s back entrance (which is just a short distance away – Score!) when another employee (not of the library) who by the way is fugly and annoying says to me ever-so-helpfully, “You know they’ll catch you for parking there.”

WTF?  I’d like to say I swung around and flipped him off or some other appropriate response but I never do that because I’m just too stunned that anyone would be such an asshole.  I don’t know WHY this surprises me, since there are assholes everywhere, but somehow it always does.  Instead I say, “I have a placard.”  Meanwhile it’s blowing cold air out in the fucking parking lot and I’ve got my face buried in my jacket defending myself to Mr. Dickhead.  He responds, “Is it yours?  Because that’s what they’ll look for, if it belongs to you.” Or some other such shit.  Oh, great.  So now I mug handicapped people for their placards?  WTF???

I say, “I have pneumonia,” somehow leaving off the “asshat” part and go inside.  Meanwhile I’m still fuming.  I mean, really?  Where does he get off?  So you’re not handicapped unless you’re in a wheelchair or on crutches or have an arm hanging by a tendon or something?  Sorry, moron, but there are other disabilities, like, I dunno, LUNG DISEASE.  It’s listed in the little form thingy that you fill out to get one of these awesome fucking placards.  But you wouldn’t know that, would you?  Because you’re a dickhead.

Another thing that really struck me was how he acted as if he was concerned for my welfare here. Like, oh dear, I wouldn’t want you to get in trouble with the law, sweetie.  The policemen get madfaced when you park where it’s illegal.  Really?  No shit, Sherlock.  I’ve only been driving for 20 freaking years, so I kind of picked up on that already.  It’s not like handicapped parking is unique to the university.  And if I have the placard?  I must have stolen it!  So I’m an illegal parker and a thief!  I have this image of myself knocking over some little old lady, grabbing her placard, laughing evilly, and dashing off into the night with my prize.  What.the.fuck.

I knock over handicapped people and steal their placards!

But here’s the most important part.  Even if I WAS a thief and illegally parking, why would this be his business?  I’ve seen him around some, sure, but we aren’t pals by any stretch of the imagination.  If I’m stupid enough to park illegally and rob old ladies, would I really listen to reason from Fugly Ass here?  Just – shut up.  Shut the fuck up.  You’re not trying to help me.  You’re jealous because I have a good parking place and I don’t look sufficiently disabled to you.  My dear, I’d love to give you just an ounce of this pneumonia so you can see how it feels.  Also a kick in the nuts.  It’s none of your business.

So shut up.  The world would be a much better place if more people just SHUT THE HELL UP.  End rant.

Rants with Alice

You know how I said I was going to return to the horoscopes on Friday?  Yeah, I lied.  See, my physic abilities have taken a hiatus, and I’m not sure when they’ll be back.  What I do have in abundance, though, is lots of AliceRage.  So I thought we could do a nice Friday special about this.  I call it “Rants with Alice”.

I was going for the Bob Ross look.

Today’s rant is about: Doctor’s Offices.

Now I spoke of adventures in the doctor’s office before in another post, but this one is different because this is like the 18th doctor’s visit I’ve had since contracting Lung Crapola (the saga continues!), so by now I’m just pissed before I even walk in the door.  This is my second follow-up appointment, since it was determined at the last appointment that I was still sick and I got another week off. 

My rage begins when I first get to the counter and meet the receptionists.  What’s fun is the way they pretend they don’t see you.  Their motto is “don’t make eye contact”.  They will look off absolutely anywhere but straight in front of them.  It’s like two-year-olds when they close their eyes and think they’ve disappeared.  I want to say “I can still fucking see you.” 

So I get through the receptaraptors, and now I get to wait on the doctor.  And wait.  And wait.  I have no idea why they even schedule appointments, since the doctors are never on time.  But the waiting is not so bad, because besides the T.V. (Fox News!  Yes!) there’s always good reading material available, covered in lots of patient germs.  Stuff like fishing magazines and Highlights for Children from 1985.  Don’t you just love that Goofus and Gallant?  If I were Goofus, I would have offed Gallant a long time ago.  You know he wants to do it.  No one is that freaking annoying and perfect and gets to live long. 

I’m hoping Goofus runs into Gallant with the scissors up.

Finally I get in and go through the motions, and then I usually see the doctor, but this time I am so lucky and get a blond doctor student.  I have nothing against blonds, it’s just that I never bothered to read her name tag, so I’m just calling her blond student which beats what I want to call her, which is really not printable. 

Blond student is way too fucking chipper to be in a doctor’s office.  I ask for meds to help me sleep temporarily.  She is so amused that I sleep so much during the day (because I’m exhausted from no sleep at night).  “There’s your problem!” she says.  “You just need to stay awake during the day!”  Brilliant. I never fucking thought of that. 

She examines me by listening to my lungs and checking my oxygen levels.  “You sound great!” she happily exclaims.  I inform her that I sounded “great!” when I my entire right lung was coated with fucking pneumonia.  She gives me this “I’m going to humor this hypochondriac” look I just adore.  She asks me how I’m feeling (fabulous, bitch) essentially asking for what I just told the nurse a while ago.  I am forced to defend being sick, despite there being oh you know FREAKING XRAYS showing I was sick.  Nope, nope, clearly I have Munchausen’s.  If so, then put me in the damn loony bin and write me a note for work.  At least I’ll get some rest there, and I hear the Jello is excellent.

I go wait for an Xray, because it has been an entire week since I’ve last been exposed to radiation.  When I’m done, I get to wait some more!  Blond student comes back.  Shit.  She yammers at me some more, but I just watch her stupid lips move and her head tilt back and forth and I realize she reminds me of that Janis puppet from the Muppets.  I repeat everything I repeated already, again, and real doctor shows up!  She grins and informs him that I sleep like four hours a day!  Isn’t that fucking funny?  Look, bitch, I’m still sitting right here in front of you.  By the way, I hate you.

 

Fur Suuuure, Blond Student!

Real doctor tells me that hey, I can take Tylenol PM, when stupid blond student said I couldn’t take anything.  Bite me, blond student.  For the 80th time I tell someone, this time the doctor, about how I have tons of fucking paperwork to fill out in order to qualify for sick leave that will not kick in until a week after my regular leave runs out, which means there will be at least a week of me not being paid (hooray!) provided they fill out the forms right and then payroll does what they’re supposed to do and I really think that’s way too much to expect.  I’m so not getting paid this month.

I am allowed the rest of the week off, which has so far allowed me to A) take care of sick child B) run around in circles trying to get this damn paperwork completed and C) have several mini mental breakdowns.  So it’s going super well.  Next week I go back to work half days, and this should be interesting since it’s been so long since I’ve been there I’ve almost forgotten what the hell I do.  I can hardly wait.  End Rant.

WordPress! A Challenge! Carrots!

As you probably know, WordPress offers a weekly writing challenge.  I thought I might try it out, because hey it’s a blog post and they hang that “FP” carrot over your head so effectively and I am not obsessed about that at all.  Anyway, I need some help deciding what to do.  Here is the challenge:

So this week, we challenge you to step outside your blogging box and try something totally different:

  • If you normally write non-fiction, try fiction.
  • If you normally write fiction, try poetry.
  • If you normally post photos, try writing.
  • If you normally just write, try including photos.

Well, I write posts with photos and writing, so nothing different there.  My fiction’s too long to post, and my poetry?  Hahahahaha.  Once they made me write a poem at a church ladies’ retreat.  They thought I’d be great what with my English degrees.  Here is what I came up with:

Roses are Red / Violets are Blue / Jesus is great / And so are You.

Fabulous, I know.  On the plus side, they never asked me to write poetry again.  Anyway, they do offer some more suggestions below.  I added my own commentary to it:

Need a little more guidance? Check out these post types, and pick one. Don’t opt for something that seems immediately doable; go with something you’ll have to work at a bit:

  • Stream-of-consciousness
    • That’s pretty much every post.
  • Short fiction
    • I don’t write short fiction.  Fiction yes, but not short.  Some of my blog posts could count as “creative nonfiction” which I define as making up facts whenever they suit me to prevent actual research.  Example: Canada is our largest state.
  • A day in the life
    • How bored do you want to get?
  • Instructions on doing/making something
    • I could do a cooking post.  Those are popular.  But I’m not sure if someone really wants to read the back of a “Hamburger Helper” box.
  • Top ten lists
    • I’ve written lists of stuff I hate before.  I don’t remember if there were ten of them or not.
  • An open letter
    • I wrote an open letter to WordPress, but they never wrote back.  Hmmph.
  • An explanation of a topic you know a lot about
    • I know a lot about a lot of stupid, useless stuff.  I can’t think of anything at the moment, though, because 50 Shades has wiped my mind.  Wait, I know about 50 Shades!  That’s so sad!
  • A walk down memory lane
    • This way you can be bored by my past too.
  • A rant
    • Again, pretty much every post.
  • News/current event analysis
    • Ack, then I would have to watch the news.  I’d rather watch The Exorcist than any speech by Romney or his sidekick Ryan.
  • A book, movie, or music review
    • I’ve done book reviews.  God, have I done book reviews.  But not movie or music yet.  I love writing reviews, though, so I guess that’s not stepping out of my comfort zone.

I think I got everything here.

Yeah, so anyway, what do you think?  What would be out of my “comfort zone”?  Do I have a “comfort zone”?  If so, why would I want to leave it?  I’m just so confused.  I ask you Freshly Freshly Pressed peoples for assistance, for you are the chosen ones.  And I’m sure you know why they chose the particular posts they chose rather than the millions of other wonderful posts you have written before.  Not like there is anything random about it at all.

Any suggestions?  If so, feel free to use the comment section below.  Or don’t.  See if I care.

Alice

P.S. Yes I do care.  Comments please.  Or I’ll keep drawing carrots.  I might even write a carrot poem.