Have you heard the news today? They say that danger’s come our way. It’s a real land of confusion alright, what with all those wars and famines and politicians, but today our old reliable Facebook News had some real news people care about, news to unite all walks of life.
Kentucky Fried Chicken has run out of chicken.
Yup, you heard right. Now this is happening in the U.K., not here, thank gawd, but what a terrifying prospect! So much so that it naturally made international news.
Our media sure savored this little news bite, alright.
A wing and a prayer! Get it? I guess I can see this appearing on CNN Money, since KFC is bound to be losing it’s chicken butt over this shortage, which is causing stores to close all over the U.K. But that’s not the only problem they face.
There are some super angry Brits over there. Observe.
There are some marvelous quotes in here. “It’s a chicken place, so they should have enough chicken,” says one boy. That’s so cute how kids think logic should apply to real life! Other people took to Twitter with their annoyance over having to drive to multiple locations to find chicken. Multiple locations. They do have other chicken places in the U.K. right? Or is this chicken just so filled with artery clogging goodness that our mother country is addicted?
If Brits act like this, you realize we in the U.S. are in deep, deep trouble. As one commenter said, “There would be rioting in the streets over here.” I don’t doubt it.
KFC is deeply apologetic for causing so many in the U.K. to go without the two of the most important food groups (salt and grease). Here’s a sign from one of the restaurants.
So just how did they run out of chicken? As the sign mentions, the chain just got a new supplier called DHL who promised to “re-write the rule book and set a new benchmark for delivering fresh products to KFC in a sustainable way”. Jolly good job, right oh, I say! DHL explained that “due to operational issues a number of deliveries in recent days have been incomplete or delayed.” Operational issues, eh? As in what type of operational issues? Is it because some employees are still teething? That does hurt. Or have employees been stealing the chicken for themselves? Shoving it down their pants and making a run for it? There is clearly more to this story than they are telling us, people.
I mean it is super hard to round up chickens, kill them, and dump their body parts in a truck and deliver them to 900 stores! But I wonder if this could have anything to do with their new spokesperson, Reba “Colonel” McEntire. I mean, she was the obvious pick for a new Colonel Sanders, what with the natural resemblance. But some people are not at all happy with this and have complained. No, really.
Because this is a feminist issue! Reba is the first female Colonel Sanders, ya’ll! Well, sort of! Because while some praise her for, as one article puts it, “shattering the grease-soaked napkin ceiling,” others are upset cause the colonel can’t just be a woman, but must be a woman pretending to be a man. So, like, the colonel is now transgender then? I thought he was an real life man who’s been dead for over 30 years, but apparently not. He’s a character. Or she. Or however the colonel chooses to identify, for chicken is fluid.
So I think the problem is clear. Colonel Reba here has taken all the chicken. Because feminism. But KFC will make things right, though it may be over a week. Hang tight. And as another commenter said, “Prayers”.
Once again I’ve got a post inspired by a loyal reader. I love it when you guys give me ideas, since my brain is fairly porous as of late. Fearless Leader left in the comments section of the last post a video of “Your wife’s been cheatin’ on us again”, a song where a guy helpfully lets his best friend know that his wife is cheating on both of them. Thanks for the heads up, buddy!
When you think of it, what genre is better for cheatin’ songs than Country? There are just oodles of songs of redneck misery, generally involving a pickup truck, booze, prison, a dog, a woman (or man), and railroad tracks. Sometimes they mix it around a bit. A couple of my favorite songs from the 1990s come from Reba McEntire. That’s pronounced Rrrrrrreeeeeba, in case you were wonderin’. Anyway, it’s hard to beat Reba when you’re talking about scorned lovers. She will get you. She might take you to court, like in “Take it Back.” To a jazzy rockin’ beat (warning, there’s saxophone involved!) Reba tells off her boyfriend, “You must think I’m blind and I don’t smell your new cologne.” Yeah, I mean, she’s not blind, she can smell! Wait . . . what?
But Reba knows how to sing it where you have no doubt she’s gonna cut you if you screw with her. She sings “I hate to steal your thunder, but your playin’ days are through. At least they are for me cause babe I got no use for you!” Yeah, sing it! Everyone in court jump up and let down your hair, and some of your clothes, and jump up on the tables, and the judge’s desk, whoop! I had no idea court was so much fun. I totally should have become a lawyer and taken my ex-boyfriend to court. Though I could have gone even farther, like Reba does in our next entry, and just blown him to smithereens, thus saving the middle man. But first check out Reba at court.
Okay, so now we’re to the I blowed up my cheatin’ husband song. This time Reba had a duet with Linda Davis, a lovely singer with slightly vacant eyes who plays her husband’s cheatin’ lover. They sing about who the husband loves best. The video is classic, I mean even before they get to the blowing up part. When Reba and Linda (around 1:25) both hold that award, glance at each other, glance at the husband and he gets this “I just pooped myself” look on his face? Priceless. Also, (at 2:08), you gotta get a load of Reba’s – wtf is that on her head? A hat? A scarf? Some sort of animal? But the best is that little smile Reba gets just before the boat holding the lovers goes “kaboom!” Lesson learned. Don’t screw with Reeeeba, ‘kay?
But there are so many unanswered questions here. Where did Reba get the bomb? Do you have to know a guy for that? It just came in a plain brown package – I see a lot of those. I’d better be careful. Did they catch her later? Is she in the Hollywood wing of prison? Why didn’t Reba and Linda get together and blow up the guy? Is it because Linda looks so freaking cute in those short shorts on that boat? That would do it for me. No one has a right to look that good in short shorts. You go, Reba. Here’s the video. It’s a real hoot.
Now that’s just a drop in the ole country bucket of cheatin’ songs. Any others you’d like me to give the Reeeba treatment to? Let me know in the comments below!