Ana is such a bitch. I just thought I’d point that out going into this chapter. Last time we ended the recap with Ana-kins finding out her dad was in an accident. Oh, nooos! This might be a conflict if any of us gave a damn about Ana’s dad. Including Ana. Oh, she puts up a good show of tears, curling into a ball, sucking her thumb, and wetting her Pampers, but don’t be fooled. She doesn’t give a crap.
But before we get into the fun, the results of our Mad Libs . . . can be found in the post I put up yesterday. I included every one. They are awesome. Check ’em out when you finish the recap, and check out their authors too!
Back to the Recap. Ana finds out that her father, her “Sweet Ray” (Alice Pukes), is in the hospital. Jose’s dad calls her, cause he and Ana’s dad are best buds. You know, like how Bella’s Dad and Jacob’s dad were pals – not that that has anything at all to do with this totally original story. (FacePalm) Ana dumps all her work on her coworkers – for once she has a real excuse for doing so – and orders her security guy Sawyer to get her to the hospital at once! I’m on the edge of my seat. Yawn. (BoredNow)
She tries to call Christian and she can’t reach him for two seconds so she can’t control her anguish and curls up in the seat and sobs. (AnaFail) But then Christipoo calls back and we get this fascinating conversation complete with “Shit!” and “Christ” and “Oh shit” and “Charlie Tango” and “Oh, baby.” Christian has businessy things (like selling his plant and firing a lot of Americans and yadda yadda) so he can’t come right away. Ana is sadfaced. She’s afraid Christian might go down in the Charlie Tango on his way! Screw Dad, her rich dickhead husband is going to fly his helicopter! OMG! (AnaFail)
When Ana arrives, she finds out that her Dad is in the OR and says “Fuck!” Because she’s surprised? Jose’s dad had said they airlifted him there from another hospital. They don’t normally do that for hangnails. (AnaFail) Anyway, Jose and his whiny Dad are there. Jose’s dad is in a wheelchair and sniffling because it was all his fault that that car hit them and blah blah shut up no one cares. (BoredNow) Ana is cold with anguish, so Jose gives her his jacket and Sawyer, her security guard remember, offers to get her tea. (WTF) What? He brings her tea just as she likes it, and Ana is so appreciative. She thinks “It’s not Twinnings, but some cheap nasty brand, and it tastes disgusting.” And that’s not all. Later she tastes the tea and thinks “My tea is cold . . . ugh!” The horror of her life. The horror. (Double AnaFail)
Jose holds her hand, but eh oh, in comes Christipoo! He gives Jose a nasty look. Way to keep your priorities in check there, Christian. (RedFlag) But now everything is so much better cause Christian has arrived! Christian is pissy that she’s wearing Jose’s jacket, but he says nothing. Yeah, but he shifts around in his chair and makes a stupid face, so he might as well have said something. Dickhead. (RedFlag)
The doctor steps out and Ana notes that under other circumstances she’d find him attractive. (AnaFail) Just . . . priorities – does anyone have them? The doctor calls her “Miss Steele” and Christian says “Mrs. Grey” you know, in case cute doctor gets any ideas. (RedFlag, AliceScreams) Even Ana wants to kick him. The doctor yammers something that James probably stole from an episode of Grey’s anatomy but basically Ray’s in a coma. Jose and his dad decide to go, and Ana hugs him, all the while watching Christian. Because they have a healthy relationship and stuff. (RedFlag) Then something really terrible happens. I mean terrible.
Christian quotes something from “The Philadelphia Story”. I love that movie. And of all things, he quotes “Yar” which doesn’t even make any sense in this particular conversation. Leave classic movies and music alone, E.L. Stop it. Stop it now. Last warning. (AliceRage)
Christian tries to get Ana to eat, but like, she ate a week ago, so she says no and he pouts. (AliceScreams) Then he tells her that they should be able to keep “redundancies” at his company to a minimum. That’s CEO talk for “firings”. I love this guy. (RedFlag) They go check on Ray in the ICU. Ana describes the room, including the ventilator, and in light of this book’s main focus, I can’t help but snicker at the “sucking, expelling, sucking, expelling” sounds. Come on, you would too. You know it.
A nurse arrives and you’ll never guess, she’s cute. Her name is “Kellie” because we must know everyone’s name, and she sees Christian and damn near has a coronary. Good thing she’s in a hospital! I never get tired of these scenes, you guyz. Thank God she has one every few pages. (AliceScreams) Ana says she doesn’t mind her gaping, yet concludes that blond is probably not the nurse’s natural color. Ana, you’re a bitch. (AnaFail)
Not much to do but watch coma guy. I’m about half surprised they don’t just shove Ray over and do it in his hospital bed, but instead they go back to the Heathman, which is the hotel where Christian first had sexy times with Ana. After she got shitfaced drunk and he brought her back to his place. Oh, were those totally shameful events just months ago? (RedFlag) It seems like yesterday. (FacePalm)
Christian asks Ana what she needs (it’s the paragraph I had you mad lib) and she asks for a bath. He’s worried because normally she’s so brave and strong! (WTF) Um, no, no she’s not. Wet ramon noodles would stand up to more than she can. He tells her he sent Taylor to get her more underwear, cause you know that’s totally Taylor’s main security job – fetch panties for Ana. (FacePalm) They get into the bath together, blech, and Ana asks if Christian got in the bath with Leila that time he bathed her. If you’re just coming in, you missed so much, people. So even Christian thinks this is a bizarre thing to bring up when your Dad is on a freaking ventilator, but he says no. Ana goes on to ask more stuff about Leila. Just . . . really, Ana. Pri-or-i-ties. (AnaFail)
They get dressed, and we get every detail of what they’re wearing. I don’t care. It’s like she’s dressing up paperdolls here, ugh. (BoredNow) Christian says she looks “young” (probably because she’s 21 you moron) and notes that her birthday is tomorrow! Whoop-te-shit. They get to the hospital, Christian notes that Jose still wants to screw Ana, and then they go to the ICU where he has a surprise for her. (RedFlag) Wait, what? Oh, no, I do NOT want to read this I just . . . oh, it’s just his mother. He got his mother, Dr. Hotshot, to take over Ray’s case. I had awful images for a moment there, guys. I mean, just think of all that medical equipment and . . . nevermind, nevermind!
She says Ray is improving, so Ana and Christian jet back to the hotel. He tucks Ana into bed and she’s surprised that they aren’t going to make love. (FacePalm, AnaFail) Instead he asks her to think about eating tomorrow before her liver shuts down and he commands her to go to sleep again and she does. Of course. End chapter.
Final Score: 100 – 50 – 60 = -10
In the next chapter . . .
A. Ana’s dad dies, and Ana and Christian have sex on the casket during the funeral.
B. While Ray lies in a coma, Ana has a surprise birthday party and afterward screws her hubby.
C. For her birthday, Ana receives a tacky bracelet, a car, and a new vagina!
I thought about skipping this lesson because thirteen is unlucky, right? Then I got concerned that maybe that would be the one chapter where James sneakily hid the plot and I would miss it. So I read it. Now I wish I’d skipped it. And the rest of the book.
Yet class must go on! You may be wondering about the answer to our last question: “In the next chapter A) Slutty realtor shows up and sluts up the place B) Kate is sadfaced because Christian’s brother doesn’t maul her like Christian does Ana C) Nothing happens or D) all of the above. As usual, most of you completely missed the mark, but the absolute best at this was Twindaddy with this answer: “Where is E? Oompa Loompas come streaming out of Ana’s vagina like a clown car. And they are all wearing nose plugs.” I laughed so hard Oompa Loompas came out of my nose.
But the time for laughter is over, cause we’re back to this shitty book. If you recall, last chapter the Moron Brigade were all on their way to Aspen on Christian’s Bat Jet. They get to Ana’s house (Zomg she owns a house in Aspen! Who cares?) and Ana thinks, hey, they’re at a freaking ski lodge, maybe she could learn to ski. But Christian gets madfaced and says “You might break your neck.” (RedFlag) I’m failing to see the problem here. Kate looks sadfaced and Ana thinks maybe it has to do with that psycho Jack Hyde, then she realizes that this place was designed by Slutty Realtor who had a fling with Christian’s brother (who just happens to be Kate’s boyfriend, keep up)! Clearly a rival female is cause for much more alarm than a psycho murderer. (AnaFail)
Ana expresses her concern and Christian replies that his brother Elliot “has fucked most of Seattle.” Well, thank goodness. I was afraid Kate was going to get away without 25 different kinds of venereal disease. (Facepalm) “Mainly women” Christian adds – as a joke. Cause it’s funny, huh? The idea that he could be gay. Talk about a joke! (Double Facepalm) They joke some more about how terrible it would have been if Christian were some gay freak, as opposed to a straight freak, and yes, James, we get it. Gay people are funny. Hee hee. (AliceRage)
Yes, that Christian is sure a prize. Ana says, “Christian, you are the state lottery, the cure for Cancer, and all three wishes from Aladdin’s lamp all rolled into one.” Think about that for a moment. Hang on a sec. I’m going to smack my head against a door.
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bannnnnnnnggggg!
Okay, I’m back. That’s just such a perfect description for this guy. He’s like winning the fucking lottery. No, wait, he’s like better than a cure for Cancer, you know, that horrible disease that kills millions of people worldwide. Or a magic lamp, where you could wish for a cure for Cancer, or for millions of dollars, or fuck, a Klondike bar. He is better than all of this. Yup. Yup. I’m just, not even, you know I just . . . moving on. (Big Freakin’ AnaFail)
Next up, something horrible happens. An atom bomb falls and blows up the ski lodge! Wait, that would be a good thing. No, the horrible thing is rain. That’s right. It dared to rain and spoil their fun (Facepalm). Fuck you, rain. But all is not lost. Mia decides that the girls can do girly stuff, which is shopping, while the boys can do boy stuff, which is fishing. Just so you’ve got these sex roles straight here.
Well Ana and the girls go shopping and Ana spends enough money to get some pretty good research on that silly Cancer cure going on a dress that doesn’t cover her ass. Zomg, it’s like so overpriced and poor Ana she has to spend all this money and gosh it makes her so uncomfortable! (AnaFail) Afterward, Ana sees Elliot across the way and he is talking to Slutty Realtor which must mean they are dun dun dunnnnn having an affair! Because they’re, like, talking! I don’t care! (BoredNow)
They get back to the lodge and Kate and Ana talk about “Cocktailgate” which is code for that time Christian acted like an asshole cause Ana went out for drinks with her friend. And you know what? I hear gate thrown on the end of one more word I’m just going to smack that person really, really hard. Not everything is a gate. Stop it.
Kate is sadfaced because Elliot is “distant”. Again, not caring. There’s more pages to this chapter. Why? Ana goes to the garage and blah blahs with Elliot until Christian gets back. They decide to take a bath but not before sexy times but thank God she skips over it. My head already hurts from the door. So moving on . . . they’re taking a bath and Christian kisses her toes and man, I really thought I might make it through without vomiting this time! They finish the bath and Ana tries on the dress and then, oh shit, not this again. She emails Christian because he’s totally like two rooms away.
Christian comes to check out the dress, and we get to the very best part, the part that makes her “Christian is better than a cure for Cancer” bit sound totes awesome. Christian notes the edge of the dress is not far from her hoo-ha and just to make sure she gets it, he sticks his . . . hang on. The door. Then the toilet.
Bang, bang, bang, puuuuuuuke.
He sticks his finger up inside her and says “This is mine.” And I just realized that the AliceScreams deduction, which takes 20 points off, is just not enough for this chapter. I’m going with the (Ihatethisfuckingbookomghowcanheownhervaginathatsnotrightarghhhh) deduction which is 500 points off. That’s right. 500 points. Methinks James will once again fail this chapter. Oh, but there’s still two more pages.
They all go out to dinner, blah blah, then Elliot asks Kate to marry him which I totally didn’t see coming at all and BAM the chapter is OVER Hallelujah Praise Jehovah and Pass the Buttplugs.