You know how I said I was going to return to the horoscopes on Friday?  Yeah, I lied.  See, my physic abilities have taken a hiatus, and I’m not sure when they’ll be back.  What I do have in abundance, though, is lots of AliceRage.  So I thought we could do a nice Friday special about this.  I call it “Rants with Alice”.

I was going for the Bob Ross look.

Today’s rant is about: Doctor’s Offices.

Now I spoke of adventures in the doctor’s office before in another post, but this one is different because this is like the 18^th doctor’s visit I’ve had since contracting Lung Crapola (the saga continues!), so by now I’m just pissed before I even walk in the door.  This is my second follow-up appointment, since it was determined at the last appointment that I was still sick and I got another week off. 

My rage begins when I first get to the counter and meet the receptionists.  What’s fun is the way they pretend they don’t see you.  Their motto is “don’t make eye contact”.  They will look off absolutely anywhere but straight in front of them.  It’s like two-year-olds when they close their eyes and think they’ve disappeared.  I want to say “I can still fucking see you.” 

So I get through the receptaraptors, and now I get to wait on the doctor.  And wait.  And wait.  I have no idea why they even schedule appointments, since the doctors are never on time.  But the waiting is not so bad, because besides the T.V. (Fox News!  Yes!) there’s always good reading material available, covered in lots of patient germs.  Stuff like fishing magazines and Highlights for Children from 1985.  Don’t you just love that Goofus and Gallant?  If I were Goofus, I would have offed Gallant a long time ago.  You know he wants to do it.  No one is that freaking annoying and perfect and gets to live long. 

I’m hoping Goofus runs into Gallant with the scissors up.

Finally I get in and go through the motions, and then I usually see the doctor, but this time I am so lucky and get a blond doctor student.  I have nothing against blonds, it’s just that I never bothered to read her name tag, so I’m just calling her blond student which beats what I want to call her, which is really not printable. 

Blond student is way too fucking chipper to be in a doctor’s office.  I ask for meds to help me sleep temporarily.  She is so amused that I sleep so much during the day (because I’m exhausted from no sleep at night).  “There’s your problem!” she says.  “You just need to stay awake during the day!”  Brilliant. I never fucking thought of that. 

She examines me by listening to my lungs and checking my oxygen levels.  “You sound great!” she happily exclaims.  I inform her that I sounded “great!” when I my entire right lung was coated with fucking pneumonia.  She gives me this “I’m going to humor this hypochondriac” look I just adore.  She asks me how I’m feeling (fabulous, bitch) essentially asking for what I just told the nurse a while ago.  I am forced to defend being sick, despite there being oh you know FREAKING XRAYS showing I was sick.  Nope, nope, clearly I have Munchausen’s.  If so, then put me in the damn loony bin and write me a note for work.  At least I’ll get some rest there, and I hear the Jello is excellent.

I go wait for an Xray, because it has been an entire week since I’ve last been exposed to radiation.  When I’m done, I get to wait some more!  Blond student comes back.  Shit.  She yammers at me some more, but I just watch her stupid lips move and her head tilt back and forth and I realize she reminds me of that Janis puppet from the Muppets.  I repeat everything I repeated already, again, and real doctor shows up!  She grins and informs him that I sleep like four hours a day!  Isn’t that fucking funny?  Look, bitch, I’m still sitting right here in front of you.  By the way, I hate you.

Fur Suuuure, Blond Student!

Real doctor tells me that hey, I can take Tylenol PM, when stupid blond student said I couldn’t take anything.  Bite me, blond student.  For the 80^th time I tell someone, this time the doctor, about how I have tons of fucking paperwork to fill out in order to qualify for sick leave that will not kick in until a week after my regular leave runs out, which means there will be at least a week of me not being paid (hooray!) provided they fill out the forms right and then payroll does what they’re supposed to do and I really think that’s way too much to expect.  I’m so not getting paid this month.

I am allowed the rest of the week off, which has so far allowed me to A) take care of sick child B) run around in circles trying to get this damn paperwork completed and C) have several mini mental breakdowns.  So it’s going super well.  Next week I go back to work half days, and this should be interesting since it’s been so long since I’ve been there I’ve almost forgotten what the hell I do.  I can hardly wait.  End Rant.