Chapter eighteen. We made it. Only four more to go . . . wtf? There are 25 chapters in this one? What? Why? When did this happen? Did she just add these? This book is a self-contained freaking Wonderland. Just – honestly, what is left to say? I can’t imagine. What could possibly happen to Ana and Christian next? Do you think they will A) have sex B) have sex or C) have sex or D) have some more fucking sex!!!
You know, I just realized something. They should hand out these books at those Sex Addict Anonymous meetings. I swear to you, reading these stupid sex scenes could almost make you promise to be celibate the rest of your life. How some women get turned on by them I don’t . . . it doesn’t compute.
Whatever. Last time, I asked the burning STD question “In the next chapter . . .(A). Ana’s dad dies, and Ana and Christian have sex on the casket during the funeral. (B). While Ray lies in a coma, Ana has a surprise birthday party and afterward screws her hubby. (C). For her birthday, Ana receives a tacky bracelet, a car, and a new vagina!” For all of you who guessed C . . . close, but no banana. Even that visual . . . I . . . anyway, it was wrong. So was (A). Ana’s dad doesn’t die, but I don’t rule out them having sex in or on a coffin at some point in the future.
Ruby suggested a new point deduction for James when she mentions TV, books, or music we like. “The Philadelphia Story is my favorite movie ever, of all time, and I had forgotten about that somehow, and we now have RubyRage. Extra 50 point deduction right there.” On it, Ruby!
Ana wakes up at the Heathman and we get this fascinating exchange. “Good morning, Ana,” he whispers. “Hi,” I mutter. “Hi,” he replies. Okay, so there were a few other words in there, like that Christian looked hot, but ugh, really, are there editors? Anywhere? (Bored Now, Facepalm) Christian gives Ana a bracelet for her birthday – it’s from Cartier, not that Ana name drops! (AnaFail) And on the bracelet are charms for some of the places they’ve done it. Wow. There’s a helicopter – guess what it stands for you will never guess it’s Charlie Tango! (AliceScreams) Also there’s his stupid yacht thing, a bed (subtle), and an ice cream cone. Christian says it stands for vanilla sex, but all I can think of is that time they used vanilla ice cream IN their sex and arghhh, thank you for triggering that memory, James, thanks so much. (AliceScreams)
Oh, yeah, and there’s a picture locket (Ana says for a picture of Christipooo!), a “C” (for crap I think), and a key. “To my heart and soul,” Christian whispers (AlicePukes) and Ana gets all teary and jumps in his lap. God, that’s so original. Then Ana goes to brush her teeth and remembers how she sexily shared Christian’s toothbrush once (noooo, I had forgotten that!!!!) (Flashback abuse) and notes that she looks pale (we know!!!) and says she’s married at 22! She’s old! (AliceScreams, One giant Ana Fail). I hate Ana.
They get in the elevator (and James is filming every second of this) and they remember this is the elevator where he first stuck his tongue in her mouth and ground his down there into her down there, and they start making out. (FacePalm, Flashback Abuse) This is exactly the sort of thing I’d do if my father were on a ventilator. Nothing turns me on like a dear relative in a coma! (WTF)
Christian gives Ana another tiny gift – no, not a vagina, though surely she could use a new one by now. It’s a . . . brand new car!!!! (canned applause). (BoredNow) They get to the hospital, and Christi-poo is talking on the Elmo phone again (we only hear one side of the conversation) but he is pissed. He learns that the drunk who hit Ray was trailer trash from southeast Portland! (RedFlag) A hello out there to all you trailer trash from southeast Portland from E.L. James! (FacePalm)
Christian gets more phone calls, one about having to fire two of his people, and Ana yawns. (AnaFail) Ana, you stupid bitch. After the brain scan reveals Ray still has a brain (unlike Ana), Ana gets a new dress blah blah and we hear more flashbacks (remember when you puked in the azaleas, Ana? How about when I first had you sign that sex slave contract? Mem-o-riessss!) (FacePalm, Flashback Abuse) They get to a private room at the Heathman and Surprise! Christian has thrown Ana a surprise birthday party! So that’s why Ana stressed for a day over not being able to reach her Mom! Totally appropriate! (WTF, Red Flag, I hate this book).
Christian says that Ray would want them to have fun while a machine pumps oxygen for him, so they do, though Ana must “hold back the tears”. Yeah. Sure. Jose’s dad says he thought Ana would have been a great daughter-in-law, you know, had she gone for his son, the guy who nearly raped her once while drunk. (RedFlag, WTF, still totally appropriate). Ana and Christian leave the party and have sex off screen. Way to keep Ray off your mind, there, Ana, you’re a champ! (AnaFail)
Ana and her mom talk about how fabulous Christi-poo is and her mom reminds her to tell Christian this (like she doesn’t?) because men need to hear it too. (AlicePukes) Then Ana starts watching a Mariner’s game (apologies to all Mariners fans out there) and her dad magically wakes up! Whatever. End chapter.
Final Score: 100 –48 -80 = -28
Fill in the blank!
In the next chapter, Ana is stalked by her ______ who forces her to ____ and then informs her she is ______.
Ana is such a bitch. I just thought I’d point that out going into this chapter. Last time we ended the recap with Ana-kins finding out her dad was in an accident. Oh, nooos! This might be a conflict if any of us gave a damn about Ana’s dad. Including Ana. Oh, she puts up a good show of tears, curling into a ball, sucking her thumb, and wetting her Pampers, but don’t be fooled. She doesn’t give a crap.
But before we get into the fun, the results of our Mad Libs . . . can be found in the post I put up yesterday. I included every one. They are awesome. Check ’em out when you finish the recap, and check out their authors too!
Back to the Recap. Ana finds out that her father, her “Sweet Ray” (Alice Pukes), is in the hospital. Jose’s dad calls her, cause he and Ana’s dad are best buds. You know, like how Bella’s Dad and Jacob’s dad were pals – not that that has anything at all to do with this totally original story. (FacePalm) Ana dumps all her work on her coworkers – for once she has a real excuse for doing so – and orders her security guy Sawyer to get her to the hospital at once! I’m on the edge of my seat. Yawn. (BoredNow)
She tries to call Christian and she can’t reach him for two seconds so she can’t control her anguish and curls up in the seat and sobs. (AnaFail) But then Christipoo calls back and we get this fascinating conversation complete with “Shit!” and “Christ” and “Oh shit” and “Charlie Tango” and “Oh, baby.” Christian has businessy things (like selling his plant and firing a lot of Americans and yadda yadda) so he can’t come right away. Ana is sadfaced. She’s afraid Christian might go down in the Charlie Tango on his way! Screw Dad, her rich dickhead husband is going to fly his helicopter! OMG! (AnaFail)
When Ana arrives, she finds out that her Dad is in the OR and says “Fuck!” Because she’s surprised? Jose’s dad had said they airlifted him there from another hospital. They don’t normally do that for hangnails. (AnaFail) Anyway, Jose and his whiny Dad are there. Jose’s dad is in a wheelchair and sniffling because it was all his fault that that car hit them and blah blah shut up no one cares. (BoredNow) Ana is cold with anguish, so Jose gives her his jacket and Sawyer, her security guard remember, offers to get her tea. (WTF) What? He brings her tea just as she likes it, and Ana is so appreciative. She thinks “It’s not Twinnings, but some cheap nasty brand, and it tastes disgusting.” And that’s not all. Later she tastes the tea and thinks “My tea is cold . . . ugh!” The horror of her life. The horror. (Double AnaFail)
Jose holds her hand, but eh oh, in comes Christipoo! He gives Jose a nasty look. Way to keep your priorities in check there, Christian. (RedFlag) But now everything is so much better cause Christian has arrived! Christian is pissy that she’s wearing Jose’s jacket, but he says nothing. Yeah, but he shifts around in his chair and makes a stupid face, so he might as well have said something. Dickhead. (RedFlag)
The doctor steps out and Ana notes that under other circumstances she’d find him attractive. (AnaFail) Just . . . priorities – does anyone have them? The doctor calls her “Miss Steele” and Christian says “Mrs. Grey” you know, in case cute doctor gets any ideas. (RedFlag, AliceScreams) Even Ana wants to kick him. The doctor yammers something that James probably stole from an episode of Grey’s anatomy but basically Ray’s in a coma. Jose and his dad decide to go, and Ana hugs him, all the while watching Christian. Because they have a healthy relationship and stuff. (RedFlag) Then something really terrible happens. I mean terrible.
Christian quotes something from “The Philadelphia Story”. I love that movie. And of all things, he quotes “Yar” which doesn’t even make any sense in this particular conversation. Leave classic movies and music alone, E.L. Stop it. Stop it now. Last warning. (AliceRage)
Christian tries to get Ana to eat, but like, she ate a week ago, so she says no and he pouts. (AliceScreams) Then he tells her that they should be able to keep “redundancies” at his company to a minimum. That’s CEO talk for “firings”. I love this guy. (RedFlag) They go check on Ray in the ICU. Ana describes the room, including the ventilator, and in light of this book’s main focus, I can’t help but snicker at the “sucking, expelling, sucking, expelling” sounds. Come on, you would too. You know it.
A nurse arrives and you’ll never guess, she’s cute. Her name is “Kellie” because we must know everyone’s name, and she sees Christian and damn near has a coronary. Good thing she’s in a hospital! I never get tired of these scenes, you guyz. Thank God she has one every few pages. (AliceScreams) Ana says she doesn’t mind her gaping, yet concludes that blond is probably not the nurse’s natural color. Ana, you’re a bitch. (AnaFail)
Not much to do but watch coma guy. I’m about half surprised they don’t just shove Ray over and do it in his hospital bed, but instead they go back to the Heathman, which is the hotel where Christian first had sexy times with Ana. After she got shitfaced drunk and he brought her back to his place. Oh, were those totally shameful events just months ago? (RedFlag) It seems like yesterday. (FacePalm)
Christian asks Ana what she needs (it’s the paragraph I had you mad lib) and she asks for a bath. He’s worried because normally she’s so brave and strong! (WTF) Um, no, no she’s not. Wet ramon noodles would stand up to more than she can. He tells her he sent Taylor to get her more underwear, cause you know that’s totally Taylor’s main security job – fetch panties for Ana. (FacePalm) They get into the bath together, blech, and Ana asks if Christian got in the bath with Leila that time he bathed her. If you’re just coming in, you missed so much, people. So even Christian thinks this is a bizarre thing to bring up when your Dad is on a freaking ventilator, but he says no. Ana goes on to ask more stuff about Leila. Just . . . really, Ana. Pri-or-i-ties. (AnaFail)
They get dressed, and we get every detail of what they’re wearing. I don’t care. It’s like she’s dressing up paperdolls here, ugh. (BoredNow) Christian says she looks “young” (probably because she’s 21 you moron) and notes that her birthday is tomorrow! Whoop-te-shit. They get to the hospital, Christian notes that Jose still wants to screw Ana, and then they go to the ICU where he has a surprise for her. (RedFlag) Wait, what? Oh, no, I do NOT want to read this I just . . . oh, it’s just his mother. He got his mother, Dr. Hotshot, to take over Ray’s case. I had awful images for a moment there, guys. I mean, just think of all that medical equipment and . . . nevermind, nevermind!
She says Ray is improving, so Ana and Christian jet back to the hotel. He tucks Ana into bed and she’s surprised that they aren’t going to make love. (FacePalm, AnaFail) Instead he asks her to think about eating tomorrow before her liver shuts down and he commands her to go to sleep again and she does. Of course. End chapter.
Final Score: 100 – 50 – 60 = -10
In the next chapter . . .
A. Ana’s dad dies, and Ana and Christian have sex on the casket during the funeral.
B. While Ray lies in a coma, Ana has a surprise birthday party and afterward screws her hubby.
C. For her birthday, Ana receives a tacky bracelet, a car, and a new vagina!
Be prepared, readers. James gave us a break on that last chapter, by merely boring us to death. All the time she was setting us up for this clusterfuck of a chapter. Which leads into the question I asked last time, which was “In Chapter 16, we will all get the joy of experiencing: A) Ana trussed up like a pig . . . again, B) Christian being a total asshole and Ana showing spine for two seconds only to lose it to sexy power . . . again, D) A psycho ex-submissive with fluttery eyelashes yammering on way too long about absolutely nothing while we are all held prisoner for every single word., E) All of the above please kill me now.
It was all of the above, people. All of the fucking above. A few of you got it right. A few of you even noticed that I forgot to add a C) answer. One person chose it anyway. Miss Four Eyes came up with an interesting proposal “Hey do you want to write a horrible book about nothing and become a millionaire?!” Yes. Yes, I do. This could be incredible guys. Maybe like a choose your own adventure where we all take turns writing different parts. We don’t even have to check with each other, because we all know James knows nothing about continuity anyway. What do you say? After the recap, you may run screaming.
Last time, Leila, Christian’s ex sub who spent most of the last book teasing us all that she was going to murder Christian and Ana only to let us all down, was waiting to see Ana. Ana discovers that whackjob Leila is on security’s list of people not allowed to see her and she is so pissed. Now, I think it’s a load of crap that there’s a list of people not allowed to see her (what do you bet Jose is on there?), but the fact that Leila happens to be on it – that’s not all that bad an idea, you moron. (AnaFail) Remember the gunsies, Ana? How your brain nearly went boom-boom in a bad way? Don’t you . . . yeah, nevermind. Wrong side of the goldfish bowl. (FacePalm, AnaFail)
Now Ana wasn’t even supposed to know Leila was there, but oopsies, Prescott, her female security guard, had to go potty and abandoned her post. You know women with their potty breaks. (AliceRage) Well, she apparently had no one to relieve . . . um, to take over for her, so Leila slipped through. Eh, oh! (FacePalm) Prescott thinks Ana shouldn’t see Leila but Ana is like, uh huh I can so see her, so Prescott, knowing she’s already screwed, gives in and leaves for a moment to search Leila. Ana takes this opportunity to email Christian (good move!) and tell him all about it. (AliceScreams)
Once she’s done sealing her fate, she meets with Leila, who has brought a friend, Susi, who also looks just like Ana. A trio of mindless Ana automatons. (WTF) Susi announces that she and Leila call themselves “the sub club” and Ana thinks “Oh my God” and I smack myself in the face (Epic FacePalm). Thankfully, brilliant Susi leaves, and we’re just left with one Ana clone, and sadly, the real Ana. Christian calls, but Ana tells her assistant to take a message. (AnaFail) Then he calls Prescott, who makes Ana take the damn phone and listen to asshole herself. He shouts at her that he gave her instructions and bad puppy, she peed on the rug again! (Redflag) Ana hangs up on him. She’s going to be all kinds of dead! Hooray!
Leila thanks Ana for, you know, not pressing charges for vandalizing her car, breaking and entering her apartment, and attempting to murder her. (WTF) Trifles, really. Then she wants to see Christian to thank him for beating the crap out of her and turning her brain into pudding, I mean, for not putting her in prison. And for paying all her doctor bills. Oh, and for art school. The usual ex-sub insurance special. (WTF) Christian is so supportive, he even bought some of her paintings, which is not at all inappropriate.
Leila goes on. And on. She loved her boyfriend. And her husband. Oh, and Christian, of course. Ana agrees that he is easy to love and they both giggle. (FacePalm, AnaFail, WTF) No, seriously. I’m thinking they’re about to go out and get manicures together while comparing buttplug techniques when Christian arrives. He’s enraged, but Ana still gets in a full description of his hotness. Remember ladies, it’s important that your murderer be hot. (AliceRage)
Prescott is immediately fired and no doubt leaves the building screaming “Freedom!” Then Christian yells at the cute little deranged former mental patient / aspiring art student. (RedFlag) Ana thinks he shouldn’t bully her. Duh-er, Ana, that’s what he does best. He also informs Ana that this has nothing to do with her. (RedFlag) Beyond, you know, Leila nearly killing her like a month ago, and coming specifically to see her, he’s exactly right. Nothing to do with her!
Well, there’s more back and forth about absolutely nothing, and Christian threatens to take away all the guilt money supporting Leila (cause Christian is such a sweet sweet guy to take care of Leila after ripping her to shreds) and she finally leaves to go be nutso somewhere else. Then Christian tears into Ana for “defying” him, and Ana asks why he was so mean to Leila who only tried to murder her, gawd. (AnaFail, WTF) So Christian talks to Ana “as if to a child” (AliceRage) and explains that the subs were just a “diverting pastime” (AliceRage) and he doesn’t want Ana “tainted by his old life” because it’s so old, you know, like three months ago old. But Ana says “Whatever touches you, touches me” which just makes me think of those old Health classes about STDs. (AlicePukes)
Ana then realizes her mission in life, besides being Christian’s doorstop, is to make Christian realize that he “cares.” (AnaFail) He cares because “he likes to whip little brown-haired girls that look like the crack whore.” Wait. Well, it was in the same paragraph, don’t ask me what it means. (WTF) Then suddenly, they are having sexy talk, and Christian says let’s go home but Ana says I have to work so Christian says let’s do it here and Ana says no that’s her final word absolutely not and Christian says let’s go home and Ana says okay. (AliceScreams)
And then we cut to Christian sticking his nose up Ana’s hoo ha while she’s trussed up like a pig again. God, I wish I was making that up. He tortures her a while, then orders her to come and kaboom she does, rinse, repeat. (AliceScreams) Then they share a couple of emails. (AliceScreams)
And Ana picks up her phone and OMG it’s Jose’s dad saying that Ana’s dad has been in a terrible accident and to come quick! (WTF) Wait, did James just throw in a plot point as an afterthought? Who cares, end chapter.
Final Score: 100 – 50 – 80 = -30
Question # – which number are we on now?
Here is a paragraph from the next chapter with some of the words taken out. See if you can fill them in! Leave your answers in the comments below!
“Do you want a _____, a ____? What do you ___, Ana?” Christian ______ at me and I know he’s _____ – my lost ____ dealing with events beyond his _____. He’s been ______ and ______ all afternoon. This is a ______ he cannot manipulate and ______. This is _____ in the raw, and he’s kept himself from that for so long, he’s_____ and _____ now. My____, ____ 50 Shades.
I just checked out the table of contents and WOOOT there are ten more chapters. We are more than half-way through, you guyz! I’m sure we can get through this. I mean, how much worse can it get, right? Right?
But first let’s look at last week’s burning question, you know, that kind of burning you cure with pharmaceuticals in the “down there.” The question was “Next chapter, my favoritest character shows up at the last second! Who could it be?” And the possible answers were the totally plausible A) Bigfoot, B. Christian’s yacht, C. Leila, D. Oompa Loompas, E) Who the fuck cares?
As usual, most of you bombed. Bueller, Bueller, Bueller! Some of you made up your own answers to the multiple choice question, which must have been a great strategy while taking your SATs. In case you didn’t notice, no there wasn’t an F or a G, but nice try. The answer was not “Ambien”, “The White Rabbit”, “All of the Above”, “Prodigy shows up and performs “Smack My Bitch Up” and Christipoo goes all rage against the buttplug.”, or “Squirrel”. Points for creativity, though! No, the answer was Leila, who if you recall was one of my favorite characters in the last book. You don’t? Well go back and read. I’ll wait.
Okay, so congrats to Ruby Tuesday for giving us the right answer. Though those of you who chose “Who the Fuck Cares?” were technically right as well. But I’m just killing time here, and not getting to this fabulous recap.
Chapter 15 begins with Christipoo wrapped around Ana like a boa constrictor again, and oh wow this is so cool because she has never given us this description before EVER. (AliceScreams) Ana tells him he makes her feel “cherished” (AlicePukes). Yeah, cherish is the word I use to describe that love, all right. Yup. Christian notices Ana’s red hand (from slapping a guy – sadly not Christian) and gets all pissy about him touching his property again and Ana teases him by reminding him how his palm used to get all red from spanking the shit out of her. (RedFlag, AnaFail, WTF) He tells her he could “reacquaint her with that feeling” because, you know, nearly getting assaulted certainly deserves punishment, right? (RedFlag) I mean . . . just wtf am I reading?
Ana just poo poos that threat, and he kisses her palm, and just like Mommy, he makes the pain all go away! (WTF) I’m not even touching that one. And then suddenly Christian is telling Ana he wants her to fight him in bed and Ana’s little brain can’t figure this one out. Personally, I think she should have started fighting back a long time ago, but then again, it is tough to do when you’re tied up and blindfolded, and he’s armed with whips and whatnot. (RedFlag) So Ana wonders if he’ll hurt her, but her inner goddess (I.Q. Negative 145) says “never”. Yeah, not since like, um, was it yesterday or the day before?
So then, this is just gross. I’m going to go read Paddington Bear, you guys. Sigh. Okay. She swigs some water, and spits it into his mouth. (AlicePukes) And then they have this little rape fantasy thing where she tries to fight him but he’s too strong not that she wants to fight him but he told her to so I’m not seeing how he’s getting a thrill out of this since he knows she’d drink lighter fluid and torch herself if he told her it was a new “game.” (WTF)
After it’s finally freaking over, Christian tells Ana she “confounds” him (AliceScreams) and Ana thinks about poor abused little boy Christipoo (AliceScreams) and they have sex again off screen. And then a whole bunch of nothing happens. Really. Nothing.
They leave Aspen. Ana asks if he misses caning her. I’d sure like to, but he says no, cause he’s been cured by Anavagina. And then . . . but of course. Email. (AliceScreams)
Ana’s assistant tries to distract her from her email with, you know, her freaking editing job, but Ana tells her to wait a minute, so we can get back to the emails. (AliceScreams)
Then she gets a message about some other work thingy, like an author meeting or something stupid, and she waves her off, and back to the emails, cause witty banter, you guyz! (AliceScreams)
Finally, Ana is interrupted again by something that actually interests her. Turns out Leila is there to see her! Good old Leila, who stalked and tried to kill her before going all cuckoo right in her apartment. Yeah, that Leila! Ana thinks, “Fuck. What does she want?”
I have one thing to say. Go, Leila, go!
Final Score: 100 –18 – 120 = -38
In Chapter 16, we will all get the joy of experiencing:
A) Ana trussed up like a pig . . . again
B) Christian being a total asshole and Ana showing spine for two seconds only to lose it to sexy power . . . again
D) A psycho ex-submissive with fluttery eyelashes yammering on way too long about absolutely nothing while we are all held prisoner for every single word.
E) All of the above please kill me now.