Last week I finished covering the last 50 Shades book. After each of the preceding books, I published a reflection on the book. Usually this consisted of a rant, followed by another rant, followed by still more ranting. I figured I’d do the same thing one last time. Except when I try to think of that series, I mean anything in any of those books, all I come up with is . . . um. Uhmm. Mmm. Mmmmmbop, Mmm bop, ba duba dop, ba du bop, ba duba dop, ba du bop, ba duba dop, Ba du.
I bet you thought you’d forgotten that song, right? But it popped into my head the other day and it still hasn’t left. You know what’s really, really bad though? I like that song. It’s a dopey, pointless, nonsensical, bubble-gum pop sung by prepubescent little brats, but gosh darn it’s freaking catchy. And it has now filled that void in my head left by 50 Shades. I have to say . . . I like Hanson much, much better than Christian, Ana, E.L. James, Puff the Magic Dragon, and all the other characters in that series.
So since the song is now in my brain, I figured I might as well buy the stupid song and play it for my kids. Because I’m going to be forced to listen to teeny bopper stuff anyway, so it might as well be my teeny bopper stuff. That’s all I’m saying. And when I got home the other day we played the song and the Things and I danced like Peanuts characters while holding hands, boing, boing, boing and it was fun. They like the song too, and now it’s in their brains, and they will probably spread it to their friends. There might be a Hanson revival. I don’t care. It still beats that Wrong Direction group that’s big right now.
Oh, and since I didn’t know any of the lyrics to that song except “Mmmbop” which is what I sing throughout the entire song, even when they are supposedly singing other words, I looked them up on Google. I found them on www.elyrics.net. You’re welcome. As it turns out, the lyrics really do reflect on 50 Shades of Grey. Here’s a sample:
In an mmm bop they’re gone.
In an mmm bop they’re not there.
In an mmm bop they’re gone.
In an mmm bop they’re not there.
Until you lose your hair. But you don’t care.
That’s so true, Hanson. So true. And just because I love you guys, I included a link to the video for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy. And Mmmbop.
When I reached the end of this turdbucket, um, bestselling book, I felt . . . oh my, what’s the word? Like my inner goddess was assaulted by a stupid stick repeatedly, causing me to bite my lip and frown in a hard line. I’ve forgotten how to make basic sentences, and I no longer remember to eat. My subconscious and I just sit around and drink. And think about Christian. How will we ever survive without our special psychopath? I mean they broke up and . . .
There’s another book. Wait, what? How could there be a second . . . there are THREE of them? Wow, that’s just . . . like caramel mocha fudge brownie buttplugs. . . or something. What will become of Christian and Ana’s epic romance? What role will the riding crop play? Will there be zombies? I mean, besides Ana?
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but inner goddess has woken from her stupor and is insisting I read these other books because she feeds on stupid and there are no new episodes of Teen Mom on T.V. right now. Damn that inner goddess!
So I went to Amazon to find the next book, 50 Shades More Profit, or something like that. And there are all these reviews of the first book . . . positive reviews. And I think a lot of them must be from real people. And I’m so curious why people, especially women people, love this book. Inner goddess insisted I look, though subconscious really just wanted another shot.
So I looked and . . . I just . . . don’t even. Here’s a brief summary of the positive reviews (there are at this moment 4, 239 five star reviews). “Christian is a great male lead because he is so hot and charming! Anastasia is so sweet and her inner voices are cute! You cannot put the book down it is so intense! And it’s not just about sex, it is a LOVE STORY because Ana changes this tortured man with her love. I’ve read each book ten times each. They are the best books I have ever read!”
Now everyone is entitled to their own opinion, even if their opinion is wrong. But still, these reviews, along with the many, many, Holy Double Crap, many articles praising the work and how it has done wonders for the sex lives of couples make me weep a little for the future of humanity. But then I find sanity in blogs written by people with way more talent and possibly too much free time and I have hope. Also there are the negative reviews. Amazon currently has 3, 456 one star reviews, and as one reviewer says, the reviews are far better than the books themselves. I have included some of the honest-to-goodness review titles so you can get an idea.
First there are plays on the books title . . .
50 Shades of Really Bad
50 Shades of Dysfunction
50 Shades of Suicidal Thoughts
50 Shades of Regret
50 Shades of Stupid
50 Shades of don’t self publish
“50 Shades of REFUND,” I murmured dryly with a wry smirk.
50 Shades of Boring
50 Shades of Awful
50 Shades of Crap
50 Shades of Bad
50 Shades of B.S.
50 Shades of Amateur
50 Shades of Garbage
50 Ways to Yawn
Shades of Poor Writing
And then some tell you what they really think.
Not the worst I’ve read . . . No wait IT IS.
Warning: You will not be able to unread this book if you decide to try it
Wow. Jeez. Holy Cow! This book is not worth the time or money
THIS is what the hype was about?
If Crap Had an A$$hole, This Would Be Shooting Out of It
Can I give it zero stars?
I want to give this book to someone I hate and tell them it’s awesome. That’s how bad this is.
Horrified this was actually published. More horrified that people are reading it!!!
Oh my . . . am I British, American, or 14?
Oh My, Biting My Lip, Jeez
Make it go away!
Oh my. Oh crap. Holy cow. Holy crap. Holy Moses. Oh No. Frown!
My inner goddess is crying
My IQ dropped 10 points every time I opened the book!
Horribly Irresponsible and Stalker Supported
Zero stars. I’d rather read Itunes agreements
I’ll have whatever the reviewers are smoking, thank you.
A student writing this would receive an F
You have to be kidding me
Are we all just subjects of a social experiment?
The publishing world has hit rock bottom
Terrible is an understatement
Laugh out loud ridiculous!
Entertainment is crimson, er, grey, er . . geez!
Um . . . what?
Will this ever end?
My “down there” is sad that this book is so awful
A “novel” of Twits, for Twits
Complete waste of time, money, and brain space
Stockpile in case of toilet paper shortage
A literary masterpiece (if you’ve had a frontal lobotomy)
So there you go. And no, I haven’t made an official review for Amazon yet – these are from other people. These reviewers are passionately angry, like Christian when Ana breathes funny, and for good reason. The reviews are clearly written better than the book, and the book has sold millions of copies. Bad art makes us passionate, and so we strike back however we can. With snark, with puppets, with gifs, with social media, and with various misuses of Microsoft Word and Photoshop. We are readers, here us snark!
And then go take some Advil with an extra hit of Nyquil.