Parenting Then and Now
You know, it’s hard to keep up with all your personalities. I’m just so many people at once! Mom, wife, daughter, librarian, Alice here, Mary Alice on the Wonder Twins (she’s returned, check it out), Squirrel on facebook, and at least a quarter of the time, I’m a depressed pony. Oh, and I almost forgot my subconscious and my inner goddess. Whew.
But my most important role is blogger. I mean, wait, mother. My most important role is being the mommy of my Things. In case you haven’t been reading long, I call my children Things. Because
You betcha.
A little while back I wrote about how not to be a crappy parent, and it was pointed out to me that parents often get a bad rap and we should support each other. Good point. I mean, we all have our own styles, right? But my, times have changed just a bit, haven’t they?
For instance, now they say it is best to breastfeed. But back in the 1950s, they had other ideas of what constituted good baby food. For instance
Nothing like a little carbonated formula.
Of course, now we have real formula and I don’t think anyone actually feeds their babies soda in their bottles. I’m just going to keep thinking that because it makes me happy.
Anyhoo, there were also different opinions on TV. Now we say it will rot our children’s brains. Not true – it rots the brains of parents, as I clearly show in my reviews of children’s television. (I’m planning to do more of these, so if you’ve got a show that makes you want to poke your own eyes out, let me know. If I haven’t reviewed it, I will.) But back in the 1950s, TV not only wasn’t bad, it was good! And I’m sure the ad coming from a company producing television wouldn’t lie!
You just can’t get too much of that educational Howdy Doody.
So I guess what I’m saying is, if you feel like a lousy parent, all you have to do is look a few years back. There are much worse things, and you can find many of these on The Wonder Twins (yes another LINK DROP!), my retro blog with Merbear, who also shows some funny stuff on her blog as well. One example – clothes called “Chubbies” for plump little girls whose self esteem apparently wasn’t already low enough.
At least we know that now we are doing the best for our kids. It’s not like parenting trends come and go, and come back again or anything.
Poster from the 1930s. Good to know we’ve been judging moms for decades!
So in the 1930s, they’re saying breastfeed. In the 1950s, you can feed ’em 7-up and carnation milk. Later, we have actual regulated formula. I was fed formula, and so were a lot of my peers who are now afraid to feed their kids formula, because they might have damaged brains. Like, um, they do? It’s confusing. As you can see, views have flipped flopped over the years, and flopped again. Sort of like sleeping positions for babies
They must sleep on their side! I actually had one of these with Thing One. It didn’t work.
No, wait, keep the kid on her back. Our bad. Be sure to squeeze her in really tight like a vice.
HEY, baby, you’re doing it wrong.
My mother was told to lay me on my stomach. When Thing One was born, they told me to lay her on her side. When Thing Two came around, she was supposed to lie on her back. But Thing One rolled onto her back. And Thing Two startled every five seconds on her back, and rolled to her tummy. They are both still alive. I’m sure in a few years, we’ll be back to the tummy sleeping. Or perhaps we’ll be suspending them in midair. Who knows.
I’m just glad my days of being a new mommy are over! I wish luck to my readers with little bitties. Just remember – you’re doing it wrong. But so did everybody else.
Alice and Merbear’s State of the Hoo-Ha Address
Merbear: No, Mildred, you smell like fish…stop!
Alice: holy hell that would have to sting wouldn’t it?
Merbear: Um…ouch…That means it is working. Feel the burn.
Alice: cleans the canal in the presence of mucus? Oh eww. wtf kind of mucus matter she got goin’ on there.
Merbear: I think I just barfed in my mouth a bit. Soda and salt? In your woo hoo?
Alice: seems an odd place to put it. Now butter I get.
Merbear: Now, don’t forget to douche with Lysol, says doctor never. My doctor told me not to douche, actually.
Alice: heck with the douche, I’ll just spray the can up there.
Merbear: I am full of inhibitions baby! Oh yeah, smell me!
Alice: actually, we tried that once at the library on a bunch of nasty videos and it was not good. Smelled like funk AND lysol.
Merbear: Funky junky.
Alice: I like how her ghost is all freaked out – but wait, your hoo-ha! Don’t let him touch your hoo-ha!
Merbear: Did you notice she has her hand upon her breast? Like, alas I am so horny.
Alice: well, someone’s gotta get her going – I’m guessing it won’t be him. He’s half done.
Merbear: Yeah, that is a pre ejaculation face if I have ever seen one.
Alice: Let’s hope he killed his germ life too.
Merbear: But Alice, men can’t douche! They suffer from other manlike issues.
Alice: But how will they insure their daintiness? Oh, right.
Merbear: Have no idea what they do, but those things don’t get hairless themselves.
Alice: True. Hey, no greasy aftereffect! That’s a relief.
Merbear: No, just broken skin. A bit of inflamed tissue.
Alice: good thing it’s not caustic.
Merbear: I use Lysol to kill poop.
Alice: Speaking of, remember that time I had the hoo-ha issue and then I developed a split personality and started robbing convenience stores?
Merbear: Yes, those were troubling times in Wonderland.
Alice: I’m sure it’s in one of those posts way back when. I was so full of doubts and inhibitions before I started shooting disinfectants up my va-jay-jay.
Merbear: It IS preferred 3 to 1.
Alice: But by who? The woman? The man? You know maybe that’s why my ex dumped me – I never douched with Lysol. Damn.
Merbear: Well, go out an get a bottle, and when you are done you can disinfect your toilet. never neglect your lady bits.
Alice: Right. You should check those parts out daily. Play around. Make sure they’re functioning jussst right. Maybe try a brush.
Merbear: I would so not use that brush after searing my insides with Lysol.
Alice: No pain, no gain. You have to be there for your husband, Mer.
Merbear: Ah, you are right. He deserves a fresh lemon scented koochie.
Alice: I wonder if pine sol would work in a pinch. Do I want my koochie to smell like a pine forest?
Merbear: Maybe there will be a unicorn sighting. Perhaps fresh picked cotton..
Alice: jump down, turn around, pick a bale of cotton!
Merbear: House of Pain. Poor Mildred and her hoohaa. Ghostly Mildred just didn’t have enough energy to fully manifest.
Alice: Yeah, but is it Mildred or ghost Mildred with the smelly um what word have we not used for vagina yet?
Mildred: I have bypassed a few, but I don’t think we used the holiest of holes.
Alice: Ah, that’s a good one
Merbear: Tinker either.
Alice: I wonder why she’s groping her breast. I mean, she really is.
Merbear: She likes boobs. Looks like Darren is not disturbed at all. They need names.
Alice: Yeah, I’m thinking he’s not taking time for a whiff when investigating her “down there.” Darren works well. He could be like three or four people at least.
Merbear: I mean, this seems to have been an awful scary plight for these woman, am I offensive, are the dishes clean, where are the kids. I mean, who needs that shit?
Alice: Kids . . . kids, eh. We’ll make new ones honey! Which is more disturbing a fishy smell or LEMON BLAST?
Merbear: Lemon fresh Mound of venus?
Alice: No, her flower. He put his stem in her pollen
Merbear: My husband said Venus Mantrap.
Alice: ooh that’s a good one. Will have to look up romance books. They have all the good terms.
Hey, once I accidentally sprayed my hair with lysol. True story. It was by the hairspray.
Merbear: Did it make things stiff?
Alice: It wasn’t stiff. I sure did smell weird, though. People were like, sniff, what IS that?
Merbear: You smell so germ free!
Alice: My brother laughed hysterically. I was still a teenager.
Merbear: I would have laughed myself and then sprayed myself too so you didnt feel alone.
Lemony fresh Wonder Twins!
Alice: Wonder Twins activate – with Lysol! You know, other me has been cheating with my husband and I was mad but then I realized I could go watch TV in peace. God I’m glad I didn’t live back then – what year is that ad?
Merbear: its 1950’s
Alice: ah well of course. How did these women survive? Listerine on your head, up your hoo-ha, lysol all over the place. Honey, what are you doing with the cleaning products OMG
Merbear: I know, how fucked up is that? yet, also cost effective.
Alice: suddenly I’m thinking of those swiffer commercials. like the bowling ball falling in love with the broom. Just wtf.
Merbear: bleach is sexy.
Alice: does that mean the woman was having an affair with the broom before? Cause it says don’t worry he wont’ be alone . . .maybe she saw Mr. Clean in the floor and got all excited . . .took advantage of that poor broom
Merbear: OMG HOT!
Alice: Erotic kitchen fiction
Merbear: Oh, write some!
Alice: After 50 Shades, anything is possible.
aliceatwonderland 