Welcome to the last, last, LAST part of Twilight: New Moon. This one took some very strong stomachs, you guys. We kept putting it off, but still the DVD lurked, staring at us like creeper Eddie. The Things were in fine form, even making up songs about how much they hate Bella. It was touching. Anyway, we finally finished it, then danced the happy dance of happiness. Enjoy.
Jacob throws rock at Bella’s window. Bella looks down.
T1: For goodness sakes, put on a shirt!
Bella touches his naked abs.
T2: You’re so . . . abby.
Jacob: I have a secret I can’t tell.
T1: Like, you’re a werewolf.
Me: She’s not bright enough to figure it out.
(Bella has a dream with a wolf. Hmmmm.)
(Bella demands to see Jacob and pushes past wheelchair guy. Good one! Other shirtless guys show up.)
T1: It’s the shirtless crew!
(Bella smacks one. It turns into freaking huge lame wolf. Bella’s like, uh, I think this might be a clue?)
T1: I think this might be the most action we get from this movie.
(Bella goes to see pals of Jacob. Emily, fiancé of some random werewolf, has a scar on her face.)
T1: Let me guess, her boyfriend did it. Okay, introductions. This is Fluffy, this is Fuzzy . . .
(Bella goes for a walk with Jacob.)
T1: This pizza is way better than this movie.
Bella: Can’t you stop being a werewolf?
Jacob: It’s not a lifestyle choice. I was born this way.
Me: I see what you did there, movie!
T2: Darth Vader is way cooler than these guys. He could chop off their heads.
(Bella tries to look sad, but just looks bored.)
T1: This music isn’t making it any better.
T2: Sounds like Wii music.
(Redheaded vampire Victoria shows up. About TIME. Bella decides to go out into the forest. Good one, Bella.)
All of us: Go, Victoria!
(Victoria runs around everywhere in slow motion.)
Me: She’s not a very good vampire.
(Bella stands on the cliff. Edward hallucination shows up and says don’t.)
Girls: Jump, jump, jump!!!
(Bella jumps off the cliff. I guess that saying is true.)
(She falls back under. She starts drowning.)
(Edward hallucination shows up.)
All of us: Eeeeeek!
(Jacob rescues Bella.)
Me: Thanks a lot, Jacob.
Jacob: What were you thinking?
T1: Bella- Duh, I’m stupid.
T2: You’re the stupidest someone I know.
(Bella snuggles with Jacob. I’m gonna snuggle with you even though I think you’re just a friend cause I’m a jerk!)
Bella: You’re so warm.
T2: Hot blooded, check it and seeee!
T1: He reminds me of our cousin. Except he’s not werewolfy, and lame.
(Girls launch into song to the theme of “Wendy”.)
T2: Coming down the street, with that pathetic face, every-one knows it’s Bel-la!
T1: And all she cares about is werewollllves and vampires!
T2: And she’s pa-the-tic, everyone knows it’s Bel-la!
(Jacob starts to kiss Bella. T2 puts her hand on the screen to block it.)
T1: You’re cheating on Edward. Then again, who wouldn’t?
(Bella sees the Cullen’s car. Oooh, they’re back!)
T1: It’s a trap!
T2: She’s too pathetic to know it.
(Alice is there. Oh, hey, it’s Alice.)
Alice: You’re alive? Why would you try to kill yourself?
Bella: Oh, no I was cliff diving. (Yeah, like I was just funnin’)
T2: Lie, lie, lie. Pathetic.
T2: Why don’t we turn this off and watch Star Wars?
T1: We must watch this, T2, for our fans.
T2: Only for the fans.
Alice: I had a vision – hey what is that wet dog smell?
Bella: It’s Jacob. He’s kind of a werewolf.
Alice: Werewolves are not good company to keep.
Me: Yeah, right, you can talk.
(Jacob shows up and is all romantic.)
T1: Awww, BARF.
Alice: Let the dog out.
(T2 starts squeaking a baby doll.)
T1: Stop that. We’re trying to review a crappy movie.
T2: I’m baby cooookie!
T1: Stop ittt! Wait, what’s going on?
(Phone rings, interrupts Jacob and Bella’s kiss. Jacob answers.)
“He’s not here right now, he’s planning a funeral.”
(Somewhere else, Edward hangs up.)
T1: Oh, that’s real niiiice.
Alice: He thinks you’ve done it! He’s going to the Volturi. He wants to kill himself too.
T1: Oh, good grief.
(T2 sets up a picnic in front of the T.V.)
T1: Here they go trying to save Edward from killing himself because he thinks she did. Stupid. Hey, it’s the circle of life, man.
(Edward shows up in front of Volturi – girly guy vampires.)
Volturi guy: “You have too many gifts to destroy you.”
T1: What gifts?
(Alice and Bella are driving wildly)
Alice: Oh, now he’s going to show himself.
T1: And sparkle.
Me: Alice keeps having these visions. Why didn’t she earlier?
T1: The werewolves were blocking Alice’s view.
(Gobs of people in Italy. So they, like, drove to Italy? There are tons of red cloaks around. Bella runs to stop the sparkle.)
T1: Is this red day?
T2: It’s fifty shades of red!
(Edward starts to take off his shirt in front of the red cloaks. His puny chest is coated in white powder stuff.)
T1: That’s disgusting. He looks sick.
T2: Pathetically sick
T1: Prepare for the sparkles!
(Bella stops him just in time. Darn. Bella and Edward have romantic scene.)
T2: Another Bella panting scene.
(The Volturi guys show up.)
T1: They’re gonna kill him anyway? Cool.
T1: Of course the leader of the vampires is a little girl.
(Edward is wearing a red robe – it looks like a girl’s robe.)
T2: Better not be a Jedi robe.
(They get in an elevator with the creepy Volturi. We are seeing every second of this.)
T1: Awkward elevator scene.
(They reach a huge hall.)
T1: Is this the execution hall?
T2: Yes, yes, yes!
(It really does look like Edward’s wearing a dress. This is not helping with the white paint look.)
(Volturi guy can’t read Bella’s mind.)
Me: Your powers are fine, she just doesn’t have thoughts.
(Girl vampire makes Edward get all constipated and fall over. But Bella is a speshul snowflake and is immune to all their powers.)
T2: She’s a Sith!
Volturi: She knows too much.
Both girls: Kill her, kill her, kill her!
(Big slow-mo vampire fight.)
T2: If you look closely in the background, it says stupid.
Bella: Kill me, not him!
T1: Either one will do.
T2: Kill them both. I’m tired.
Me: End movie, endddd.
(Alice promises to turn Bella. She has a vision of Edward and Bella frolicking. You know, like vampires.)
T1: Like, won’t her Dad notice her not aging?
(They get back home.)
Edward: I wanted to give you a chance at a normal, healthy life.
T1: And then you ruined it.
Edward: I hope you can forgive me because I can’t live without you.
Me: Yeah, not manipulative and creepy at all.
All of us: Ennnnnddddd!
(Now they are at the Cullen’s house.)
T1: All the Cullens are back. Yayy.
(Bella has them vote to change her to a vampire. Lots more blah blah blah. She drives off with Edward. Jacob blocks them in the road.)
T1: Don’t get werewolf on the tires.
(Bella all wants to be a vampire, and Jacob and Edward fight over Bella.)
Me: Bella- I want my Edward and Jacob too.
Bella: But it’s always been him, Jacob.
Me: Even though he left me and I like nearly killed myself.
T1: I’m too tired to recap anymore. We will NEVER finish this.
Edward: I have one condition for turning you into a vampire. Marry me, Bella.
(And the movie ends right there!!!! Cheers of joy from all around!)
T1: Sings along w/ the music from the credits: This movie suuuuucks, it has Edward – and a werewolfffff, stuuuuupidddd
T2: And pathetiiiiic!
End Part Three. New Moon was the last movie, right? Right????
We’re back with part two of this stupid movie. My fellow reviewers, Thing One and Thing Two, have returned with promises of blog fame. Last time we ended with Bella being dumped by Eddiekins in the middle of the forest. Cue sad trombone. Wah, wahhhhhh.
Me: Where were we?
T2: Jacob’s abs.
Me: Yeah, that narrows it down.
(We fast forward back to forest scene. Naked abs carry Bella out of woods – some other shirtless guy, not Jacob.)
(We see months pass by w/ Bella sitting there, room spinning around. October . . . November . . . December)
T1: Let’s see what Bella has accomplished. Okay then. Shouldn’t she be dead by now?
(Bella is screaming bloody murder in bed.)
All of us: What the???
T1: Big panic attack because Edward is gone?
T2: Stupid and pathetic.
(Poor Dad. He tries to talk to Bella.)
T1: Obviously stuttering runs in the family.
(Bella goes to movies with “friend” and ignores her completely.)
T1: Going on in Bella’s mind now. Nothing.
(They are walking down street, Bella remembers Edward saving her. Suddenly Edward’s disembodied head appears warning her to run.)
All of us: Arghhhh!!!! What is THAT?
Me: Bella’s like there are creepy guys on motorcycles there. I think I’ll approach them.
(Edward head appears: He says turn around. Bella walks closer. Edward speaks again. Bella gets on motorcycle.)
T1: Stupid! If I were her dad I’d ground her for twenty years.
(Suddenly she’s back with her friend. Wait, what, which parts did she hallucinate?)
Friend: You’re insane. Or suicidal.
Us: Yes, yes, yes.
Friend: Or it’s a lame TV show.
T1: YES, that’s it.
Bella: If a rush of danger is what it takes to see him again, that’s what I’ll do.
(Bella takes junk motorcycles to Jacob to fix. Jacob picks up bike.)
Bella: Jacob you’re like buff.
T1: She just noticed this?
(Jacob’s friends come over. One says “Oh, your girlfriend?”
(Awkkkward! Haha. We pause so I can write. Thing Two starts pointing out a zit on Jacob’s forehead.)
T2: Look at his eyebrows. Like Squirrel’s tail.
(Bella says she feels better with Jake. Like, who wants to feel better?)
(Bella screaming in bed again. Dad comes in and rambles. Thing Two is playing with the flashlight. We break for a fight over the flashlight. We are seriously bored.)
T1: Come on, we need to finish this.
T1: Ugh, gonna have to lay down through this. Let’s go.
(Movie is still paused. Thing Two points out weird things on Jacob, but calls him Edward. I correct her.)
Me: That’s Jacob.
T1: Same difference.
(Bella sees cliff diving. Rush. Oh, ohhh.)
Me: Jump Bella, jump!
T2: This is Jacob (shows me picture of an Ewok)
(Jacob talks about buff guys bullying him. Bored.)
(Jacob points out what each part of the bike is. Bella drifts off. Yeah, she’s never gonna remember this.)
(Edward’s head appears again. ARghhhhhhhhh. Bella takes off on motorcycle. Has multiple hallucinations. She flies off bike.)
T1: That was not a good idea.
(She has a cut on forehead. Hereee we go. Jacob removes entire shirt to dab on cut. Yeahhh, subtle Jake.)
(At cafeteria. Pathetic guy asks out Bella. She says yes. Bella wants to see Face Punch.)
Me: I would rather see Face Punch than this.
(Other friends don’t show so it’s Bella and Jacob and other guy. Dumb lines and banging noises come from movie)
Me: I would still rather see this.
(Pathetic guy runs off to bathroom. Jacob holds Bella’s hand. He tries to pick up Bella, but of course she’s still hard up on stupid creeper Edward.)
Bella: So like I’m selfish and want you around even though I don’t want you.
T1: Ohhh, this is stupid.
(Thing Two sticks head in couch.)
T2: Nooo. Edward, Jacob.
T1: I think Edward left her cause she depressed even him.
(Suddenly Jacob is all pissed and wants to hit pathetic guy.)
Jacob: I feel weird.
Me: Hulk, smash.
T1: Guess what? Full Moon. Whatever.
(Jacob won’t respond to Bella for a while. We finally see Jacob again.)
T1: Ohh, he got a haircut.
Jacob: Bella, go away.
T1: You’re ruining my life.
(Jacob yammers about vampires.)
Bella: It’s killing me that I hurt you.
T1: Ugh, really.
Bella: You can’t break up with me.
T1: You weren’t dating.
Bella: Without Jacob, I can’t stand it.
Me: Totally codependent.
(Bella sees meadow. The pretty flowers have disappeared.)
Me: What? The lack of sparkles killed it?
(T1 shows me a picture titled the emotions of Bella. They are all the same.)
Black vampire shows up.
Me: Dee black Jamaaaaican vampireee.
(Edward head appears. He says: “Lie” “Lie better.”
(Jamaican vampire yammers about how girl vampire wants to kill Bella because Edward killed her mate. Blah blah. I only really know this because I was dumb enough to read the books.)
Jamaican vampire: How much could you mean to him if he left you unprotected? I am doing you a kindness.
T1: By ending your stupid life.
(Enormous wolf shows up. Oh, jeez that’s lame. One stops by her and gives her the eye.
Bella runs back home.)
Bella: They aren’t bears, they’re like huge wolves.
Dad: You’re like officially crazy, Bella.
End Part Two. One more to go. Help us all!
Okay, we’re back for more punishment. Hooray. Somehow I roped the kids into joining me again. I hope I’m not damaging them for life.
When last we left our dynamic duo they were eating their exciting meal after Edward rescued stupid Bella from guys who want to kill her. Of course, he wants to kill her, yet he’s very protective of her. Whatever. Here we go.
(Bella and Edward drive away from the restaurant.)
Bella: Your hand is so cold.
T1: Well, yeah, he’s a blood sucking demon.
(They stop at police station. Carlisle says fisher guy killed by vampires. Charlie is sadfaced. He’s too good an actor for this show.)
(He gives Bella mace.)
T2: Dad, this is a flashlight.
(Dramatic stare flashbacks!)
T1: That stare. I’m gonna have nightmares.
(Bella does research in her book. And on Google. Ooh, excitement. He’s strong and cold and strong and cold. OH I GET IT!)
T1: Bella’s still approaching him. Shouldn’t she be running? Oh, love the dramatic music.
(She walks away and Edward follows her. Forest scene.)
T2: Stalkiiiing Bellaaaa.
Bella: Your skin is so pale.
T1: So is yours.
(Camera spins. We’re getting sick.)
Edward: Say it.
Me: You’re a really bad actor!
T2: You’re an orangutang!
Edward: You need to see what I look like in the sunlight.
(Oh, boy. They fly off piggyback style. The girls dance around like ponies.)
T2: It’s like Yoda ridin’ on Luke!
Edward sparkles: This is the skin of a killer.
(We laugh. Edward leaps around like a goof.)
Edward: I’ve killed people before.
Bella: It doesn’t matter.
T1: What? Just because he’s hot?
Edward: you’re like my own personal brand of heroin.
Me: That’s so hotttt!
(Bella gets close, like kissing close. Forced romantic crap.)
T2: Mommy, now I’m scared.
Edward: “The lion fell in love with the lamb.”
T1: Man, you’re pathetic, Edward.
(They lie in the meadow.)
(Camera spins around them. They want to make you sick, I guess.)
T2: Sparkle, sparkle, sparkle!
T1: Why didn’t they see him sparkle, like earlier, in the class?
T2: He wasn’t in the sunlight.
T1: But there was sunlight! Oh, whatever. Vampires sparkle?
Bella: I’m in love with Edward.
Girls and me: What?
(Edward and Bella walk in to school together – everyone stares. We be so cooool.)
T1: So – what you’re only in love with him since you found out he was a blood-sucking vampire?
(Edward makes creepy talk.)
T1: Uh, like, stop talkin’ bout my blood that way.
Me: Edward talks like he’s about to barfffff. All the time.
T1: Does vampire vomit look like blood?
Me: I bet it sparkles.
T2: Like Edward!
T1: Shouldn’t she be worried her father wouldn’t approve of a blood sucker that would kill her?
(Jacob shows up. Edward beats cheeks. Dad brings Jacob’s dad up the stairs in wheelchair. Bumpbumpbumpbumpbump. Dude, get a ramp.)
T1: So like a typical date for them is lying around staring?
(Edward takes Bella to meet the family.)
T1: They’re so quiet I have to turn the volume up to 40. Ugh.
(Eddie’s family cooks a meal. They talk about how stuff might end badly.)
Bella: Badly as in I would become the meal.
(Jasper looks like he left his hanger in his shirt. Edward shows all the grad hats.)
Me: You have eternal life and you choose to spend it in public school?
Edward: I don’t sleep ever.
Me: Nah, I just watch you. Edward you are so cold – could I freeze ice cream on you?
T1: Just drink her blood already will you?
Bella: I’m not scared of you.
(He flies out the window with her.)
T1: You could tell they were on a cable. Piggyback rides! Terrible effects.
(They climb like Spiderman! Hang in a tree.)
T2: See he IS an orangutang.
(Edward plays dramatic piano.)
T1: This is just a rip off.
Me: Of what?
T1: I don’t know. Like a piano in a music video.
Mike: I don’t get it. He looks at you like you’re something to eat.
(Girls and I laugh)
(Dad talks to Bella. Kid shaking butt in background. What?)
Dad: You should be around people.
Me: Yeah, Bella doesn’t like people.
(Bella talking to mom in her bedroom.)
Mom: Is he a jock?
T1: No, MOM, he’s a stalker!
(Edward tries to kiss her.)
Edward: I’m going to try something.
T1: You don’t know how kissing works?
T1: Ew is he kissing her nose? This is the slowest kiss ever.
T2: Oh, no, they’re doing it again.
(Kids freak out and try to hide in the couch.)
(Edward lays there and watches Bella sleep.)
Me: Hey, Eddie, mark on her face.
T2: Draw a peanut on her forehead.
(Bella prepares to introduce Dad to Edward. Dad cocks gun.)
Me: I like the Dad.
End Part Two. Stay tuned for more non-action and expert commentary from children and one immature adult!
When I reached the end of this turdbucket, um, bestselling book, I felt . . . oh my, what’s the word? Like my inner goddess was assaulted by a stupid stick repeatedly, causing me to bite my lip and frown in a hard line. I’ve forgotten how to make basic sentences, and I no longer remember to eat. My subconscious and I just sit around and drink. And think about Christian. How will we ever survive without our special psychopath? I mean they broke up and . . .
There’s another book. Wait, what? How could there be a second . . . there are THREE of them? Wow, that’s just . . . like caramel mocha fudge brownie buttplugs. . . or something. What will become of Christian and Ana’s epic romance? What role will the riding crop play? Will there be zombies? I mean, besides Ana?
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but inner goddess has woken from her stupor and is insisting I read these other books because she feeds on stupid and there are no new episodes of Teen Mom on T.V. right now. Damn that inner goddess!
So I went to Amazon to find the next book, 50 Shades More Profit, or something like that. And there are all these reviews of the first book . . . positive reviews. And I think a lot of them must be from real people. And I’m so curious why people, especially women people, love this book. Inner goddess insisted I look, though subconscious really just wanted another shot.
So I looked and . . . I just . . . don’t even. Here’s a brief summary of the positive reviews (there are at this moment 4, 239 five star reviews). “Christian is a great male lead because he is so hot and charming! Anastasia is so sweet and her inner voices are cute! You cannot put the book down it is so intense! And it’s not just about sex, it is a LOVE STORY because Ana changes this tortured man with her love. I’ve read each book ten times each. They are the best books I have ever read!”
Now everyone is entitled to their own opinion, even if their opinion is wrong. But still, these reviews, along with the many, many, Holy Double Crap, many articles praising the work and how it has done wonders for the sex lives of couples make me weep a little for the future of humanity. But then I find sanity in blogs written by people with way more talent and possibly too much free time and I have hope. Also there are the negative reviews. Amazon currently has 3, 456 one star reviews, and as one reviewer says, the reviews are far better than the books themselves. I have included some of the honest-to-goodness review titles so you can get an idea.
First there are plays on the books title . . .
50 Shades of Really Bad
50 Shades of Dysfunction
50 Shades of Suicidal Thoughts
50 Shades of Regret
50 Shades of Stupid
50 Shades of don’t self publish
“50 Shades of REFUND,” I murmured dryly with a wry smirk.
50 Shades of Boring
50 Shades of Awful
50 Shades of Crap
50 Shades of Bad
50 Shades of B.S.
50 Shades of Amateur
50 Shades of Garbage
50 Ways to Yawn
Shades of Poor Writing
And then some tell you what they really think.
Not the worst I’ve read . . . No wait IT IS.
Warning: You will not be able to unread this book if you decide to try it
Wow. Jeez. Holy Cow! This book is not worth the time or money
THIS is what the hype was about?
If Crap Had an A$$hole, This Would Be Shooting Out of It
Can I give it zero stars?
I want to give this book to someone I hate and tell them it’s awesome. That’s how bad this is.
Horrified this was actually published. More horrified that people are reading it!!!
Oh my . . . am I British, American, or 14?
Oh My, Biting My Lip, Jeez
Make it go away!
Oh my. Oh crap. Holy cow. Holy crap. Holy Moses. Oh No. Frown!
My inner goddess is crying
My IQ dropped 10 points every time I opened the book!
Horribly Irresponsible and Stalker Supported
Zero stars. I’d rather read Itunes agreements
I’ll have whatever the reviewers are smoking, thank you.
A student writing this would receive an F
You have to be kidding me
Are we all just subjects of a social experiment?
The publishing world has hit rock bottom
Terrible is an understatement
Laugh out loud ridiculous!
Entertainment is crimson, er, grey, er . . geez!
Um . . . what?
Will this ever end?
My “down there” is sad that this book is so awful
A “novel” of Twits, for Twits
Complete waste of time, money, and brain space
Stockpile in case of toilet paper shortage
A literary masterpiece (if you’ve had a frontal lobotomy)
So there you go. And no, I haven’t made an official review for Amazon yet – these are from other people. These reviewers are passionately angry, like Christian when Ana breathes funny, and for good reason. The reviews are clearly written better than the book, and the book has sold millions of copies. Bad art makes us passionate, and so we strike back however we can. With snark, with puppets, with gifs, with social media, and with various misuses of Microsoft Word and Photoshop. We are readers, here us snark!
And then go take some Advil with an extra hit of Nyquil.
Yes, that’s right gentle readers, I too have joined the bandwagon of 50 Shades of Grey. I’ve been reading reviews of it for a while. There are a couple of blogs that are covering this series. They are awesome, each in their own right. First is Jennifer Armintrout’s blog. She goes chapter by chapter into the madness, and her comments are both insightful and hilarious. Another of my favorites is Speaker7– I’m not sure your real name Speaker – who uses a creepy puppet and blue stuffed rabbit in the starring roles of Christian and Anastasia. I do know the names of the puppet and rabbit – Hugo and Goofy. If the movie does not use these two fab actors, it will be an absolute travesty. Her blog makes me laugh so hard I think I’ve pulled something. Fuckballs!
And that is part of the appeal. If you’ve ever watched Mystery Science Theater 3000 (and if you haven’t, you simply must check it out) then you know that something can be so bad it’s good. Or at least good to laugh at. On MST3K, a man and his robot pals make awful movies bearable by shouting wisecracks at the screen. The best shows involved movies that were intended to be serious and thought- provoking, but ended up sappy, stupid, or just plain awful instead.
This is what has made 50 Shades of Grey a bestseller, and a cult classic. Judging from the reviews I have read, this book, while intended to be an epic romance, is 110 percent awful for multiple reasons. First because it is the love story of a sociopathic hero and his victim, er, true love. Second is the fact that it is not just a rip-off, but a rip-off of Twilight, of all things. (You can see my opinions on that in an earlier blog entry.) Third, and perhaps the biggest reason of all, is the terrible writing.
In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve not picked on the use of S&M in the book. It’s not something I could imagine enjoying, since I tend to stay away from instruments of torture; but it’s none of my business what people do in their own bedrooms as long as it is consensual and between adults. And there are plenty of romance novels that take smut to new levels. The difference in 50 Shades and your average Harlequin is that this book has somehow crossed over into the mainstream. Also, and this shouldn’t be forgotten, the sex scenes are so badly written that it’s hard to believe anyone could find them erotic.
At least, that’s what I’ve discovered so far through the recaps of various brave souls on the Internet. But recaps are not enough. Like they say during presidential elections, you can’t really complain if you don’t get out there and vote. Because every vote counts. Ha, not really. But it is hard to ethically give a bad review to something I haven’t read myself. I need to experience the taste of Circus Peanuts in order to to fully inform you that they are the worst candy that has ever been created. Therefore, despite their warnings, I just have to read this stupid book. Otherwise I might have to do something useful with my time, and I can’t have that. So without further ado, in my next entry I will begin my recaps.