Ever heard Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire”? I love how he was able to take a history book and just fling a bunch of historical events together and make them rhyme and sound cool. He started with his birth year and ended up in the 80s I believe. So I thought I might do the same thing, only starting with my birth year and not rhyming or sounding very cool. I found my facts on this website www.thepeoplehistory.com.
I’m sure it’s at least as accurate as Wikipedia. Away we go!
Stuff that happened –
I was born. And there was rejoicing. Especially from my mother who was glad to no longer be pregnant. My brother was so happy he kept the toys he got for me and knocked over my bassinet.
Apple Computer Company started. My family would get the totally hip Apple IIc when I was in grade school. I played a game on it called King’s Quest that took 8 floppy disks. You had to turn the disk every time your little guy walked from one screen to another. I loved that stupid game.
A panel warned that CFCs from aerosol cans can damage the Ozone layer. Americans said “Pfft.”
The U.S. celebrates the 200th anniversary of independence from Britain. Interestingly, Britain celebrates the same thing.
Stuff happens in other countries, like earthquakes that kill a few hundred thousand people. The U.S. was busy introducing the two-dollar bill and punk rock.
I turned four. My brother suggested a Psych evaluation on account of my new invisible friend.
Ronald Reagan was elected. He would go down in history as the GOP’s personal Jesus.
Pac-Man arcade game is released, creating the dreaded “Pac-Man Fever” which killed the brain cells of thousands of kids worldwide.
Someone shot J.R.
John Lennon (actual person) was shot and killed. Jessica Simpson was born, though, bringing balance back to the Force.
Stuff happens in other countries like wars, hurricanes, and terrorist attacks. The U.S. invents the Post-It note.
I turn eight. We get to vote in our Weekly Reader. I randomly circle the guy my friend circles. Many people continue to vote like this into adulthood.
My parents decide the best gift ever for my brother and me are Sony Walkmans (with tape decks) because we shut the hell up on long car trips.
Ronald Reagan is re-elected. 70 US banks fail. Trickle-down economics at work?
Actual music is played on MTV.
Wham! is a popular band. Their “Wake me up before you go-go” really spoke to me.
Stuff happened in other countries like famine, explosions, and the USSR boycotting us right back on the Olympics so there! Or possibly the Russians just didn’t want to go to Los Angeles.
I turn 12. Hormones commence their dirty work.
U.S. Shuttle program resumes 2.5 years after Challenger disaster. Maybe they’ve forgotten about that incident, thinks NASA.
The new drug Crack appears in U.S. cities. No one say we can’t invent stuff.
George Bush Sr is elected, but fortunately Prozac is developed the same year.
1/3 of Yellowstone National Park is destroyed by fire. Yogi Bear and Boo Boo forced to relocate.
The first major computer virus infects computers connected to that promising new Internet.
Stuff happened in other countries like more wars, terrorist attacks, and various natural disasters that kill millions. The U.S. shoots down an Iranian passenger jet. Whoops.
I turn 18. I leave that hive of scum and villainy, er, graduate high school and start college. I go to the local college and live with my parents, which seems like a good idea at the time.
Tonya Harding whacks Nancy Kerrigan in the kneecap and suddenly people care about ice skating.
O.J. Simpson flees police in his bronco in the slowest and stupidest car chase ever.
Republicans dig for dirt on President Bill Clinton (who after two years they have not accepted as president) and come up with the Whitewater scandal.
Stuff happens in other countries like war, outbreaks of the Ebola virus, and the building of the Channel tunnel between France and England which allows them to more easily insult each other. The U.S. genetically engineers a tomato!
I turn 22. I switch majors at the last second, start dating my future husband, graduate college, move, start grad school because they offer me a job as a TA, get married and move again. I take stuff slow.
Bill Clinton (who after 6 years Repubs still haven’t accepted as President) denies he had “sexual relations” with that intern. Republicans are so excited they nearly wet themselves. Politicians discuss whether BJs are sex or not as the World looks on at us in awe.
The U.S. has the first budget surplus in 30 years so naturally the president is impeached for not keeping it in his pants and telling big old fibs about it.
Tobacco companies get a big handslap cause it turns out sucking smoke into your lungs is bad for you after all.
Google is founded and people start doing all their research on the totally reliable Internet!
The FDA approves Viagra. President Clinton is elated.
Stuff happens in those other countries. Russia goes bankrupt, and the Japanese bail out a bunch of banks. This will never happen to the U.S. again because our money comes from Jesus.
I turn 24. Thing One is born. My husband and I wait for her real parents to rescue her from our incompetence.
We have the dumbest election in history. The presidential race is not decided for over a month because Florida has pregnant chads and can’t figure out their own ballots. Bush Jr. is eventually declared the winner and I’m sure it had nothing at all to do with his brother being the governor of Florida.
Nasa says the hole in the Ozone layer over Antarctica has increased like 16 sq miles in just 12 months. Americans go “Pfft.”
The dot.com bubble bursts and lots of white collar geeks in Silicon Valley are no longer able to afford trillion dollar houses. Sadface.
Reality shows “Survivor” and “Big Brother” have their first seasons. It is the beginning of the end of real T.V.
Stuff happened in other countries. Mad Cow disease spreads throughout the European Union, and cellphone disease spreads worldwide. The US finally gives the Panama Canal back to, uh, Panama.
I turn 25. I had a one-year-old. Nothing else happened to me personally.
Two planes flew into the World Trade Center on September 11th, a day that would live in infamy partly because the news continues to talk about it constantly which I’m certain is great for the healing of the people who lost loved ones during the attack.
The U.S. (or rather President Bush Jr.) declares war on Iraq. Phones are tapped. No one dares not support the war in fear of being labeled a terrorist sympathizer. I am as frightened of my own government as I am of the terrorists.
The Dept of Homeland Security is organized, and Bush institutes the Patriot Act. Librarians become heroes. No, seriously. Librarians (both conservative and liberal) are asked to turn over their patron’s records (cause if you check out a terrorism book you must be one). Instead they dump the records, at their own risk, and continue to do so. HA. I love my profession.
Stuff happened in other countries. Like we declared war on one of them.
I turn 28. Stuff start to get normal again and settle down, so we have Thing Two.
Bush Jr. is re-elected. The rest of the world looks at us like we’re total morons, which apparently we are.
Lance Armstrong wins an unprecedented 6th consecutive Tour de France. Nothin’ can stop him now!
Martha Stewart is convicted of a felony and five months in prison. She launches a new show about prison decorating.
First same sex marriage performed in Massachusetts. A plague of locusts happens in West Africa. COINCIDENCE?
Environmental protection laws dropped to allow more logging in US forests. Cause trees are highly overrated.
Stuff happens in other countries like this hurricane in Haiti but the big news is Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction! A BOOB was spotted!
I turn 32. I start my MLS degree online cause Librarian is listed as one of the fastest growing occupations. The recession, naturally, will hit in the middle of this, causing librarians to hold on to their jobs instead of retiring. Naturally.
Barack Obama is elected president to the great surprise of the Republicans, his own party, and probably himself. He is the first African-American president in history and inherits the reigns of a bankrupt country that is hated by almost every major world power. Congrats, Barack!
Though McCain (the Repub candidate) lost the election, he introduced us all to Sarah Palin, the woman he chose as VP because, um, she was a woman. A brainless one. Who talks and talks and talks. And is still AROUND. I will never forgive John McCain for this. Neither will a lot of his party.
Republicans aren’t sore losers, they just suspect Obama shouldn’t be president cause he like is a Muslim terrorist non-citizen unpatriotic anti-Christ. All valid concerns.
Increasing oil prices cause inflation. Unemployment increases. Wheee!
Katy Perry kisses a girl and reportedly likes it.
Writers start expecting to get paid for their work on T.V. and go on strike. TV stations are like, pfft, who needs writers? More reality TV comin’ up!
Stuff happened in other countries but SERIOUSLY we were broke and had no entertainment. SUCKAGE!
Add it up. I arrive on WordPress. Ta-da! I gain “fame” by covering 50 Shades of Crap.
Barack Obama is re-elected to the surprise of the Republicans, his own party, and probably himself. I experience relief on a scale I haven’t in ages, but am very respectful toward the losing side. Not really. This doesn’t happen often. I gloat like hell.
Wackos fear the world will end and stock up on the 3 foods most bought from Wal-Mart during emergencies (for realz): beer, peanut butter, and pop tarts.
The world doesn’t end. Surprise!
I’m about ready to give up on my blog. I toss a post up randomly. It is Freshly Pressed. WOOT.
Alice remains Alice.
Do you know what your sign is? It’s not just a pick up line, people, it is serious business. Have you checked your horoscope lately? Do you know what a horoscope is? Well, you should, because we’re talking about your future laying in the balance here. Specifically a balance of planets, moons, stars, galaxy class starships, unseen realms, mysticism, and William Shatner.
I have been checking my horoscope in the paper for years, and also divining my future from fortune cookies and the foil wrappers of Dove candies. So I consider myself an expert. I’m available for personal consultations and birthday parties. Give me a call at 1-800-GET-REAL for more information.
I’m sure there are those of you who think horoscopes are silly. Well, former first lady Ronald Reagan’s wife consulted horoscopes, so you know they must be legitimate. Also other famous people rely on these horoscopes like E.L. James. Actually I just made that up but would you be surprised? I wouldn’t.
Anyway, as a special treat, I’ve decided to read everyone’s horoscope every Friday. That way you can end the week knowing what was supposed to be in your future that is now your past. It’s going to be really far out.
First, I should probably show you the signs. These signs represent stuff like stars in the sky at certain times of year when there’s a moon or the sun or planet alignment or some other crap that I didn’t research.
Aries (The Ram): Mar 21 – Apr 19
According to my limited research gained from the first site I found on Google,
those with the sign of Aries are Active, Demanding, Determined, Effective, and Ambitious. In other words, they’re power-hungry jerks. Christian Grey might be an Aries. Also Donald Trump. I don’t actually know since I didn’t look any of that up. Also the sign is a ram, as in ramming stuff down people’s throats, and I think both of them do that quite well.
Taurus (The Bull): April 20 – May 20
Taurus signs represent Security, Subtle strength, Appreciation, Instruction, and Patience. Translation: Tauruses are nerds. Also they are represented by the bull, so they are nerds who are full of it. Alex Trebek is probably this sign, because he knows a lot of stuff about nothing.
Gemini (The Twins): May 21 – June 20
Geminis are good communicators, indecisive, Inquisitive, Intelligent, and Changeable. So they’re the ones who ask everybody what color drapes they should choose and then still can’t make a decision and end up just buying mini-blinds. Gemini is represented by the twins. I’m not sure which twins. Famous people with this sign include the Bush twins and the twins from that Sweet Valley High series. It might be that those are the first twins that came to my mind. Also it is the sign of both of my daughters, who, thank GOD, are not twins, but through strategic lack of planning on my part have birthdays one week apart.
Cancer (The Crab): June 21 – July 22
This is my sign. Cancer people are Emotional, Diplomatic, Intense, Impulsive, and Selective. In other words, we are total whiny butts and probably bipolar because according to this scientific study we are both impulsive and selective. Cancer is represented by the Crab, which is slang for a type of STD. It also shares the same name as a disease that kills millions. Doesn’t seem like the luckiest sign to me. Must be why I have it.
Leo (The Lion): July 23 – August 22
Leos are Warm, Generous, Faithful, Rulers with Initiative. In other words,
aren’t they special? The best example of this sign is that lion from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. He’s a lion and a ruler and Jesus, which makes him all that happy, clappy stuff. Seriously. Don’t mess with the Jesus sign, guys. I realize we celebrate his birthday in December, but scholars say that’s all messed up anyway. So go with it.
Virgo (The Virgin): August 23 – September 22
Virgos are Analyzers, Practical, Reflective, Observant, and Thoughtful. They are represented by the virgin, because thoughtful, practical people don’t have sex. Unless they are married Virgos. It’s kind of a rule. Did you break it? Shame on you. People who are best represented by this sign are Ana Steele (hahaha, I’m just kidding), the Virgin Mary, and Mother Teresa. Possibly.
Libra (The Scales):September 23 – October 22
Libras are known for their sense of Balance, Justice, Truth, Beauty, and Perfection. In other words, they are also special snowflakes because they can make decisions while standing beautifully on one foot. Libras are represented by the scales, which at first I thought meant they had a skin disease, but turns out the scales are those scales that you balance stuff on. Famous Libras include the defense lawyer for O.J. Simpson, Superman, and Adolf Hitler. Also my husband, though he really falls a lot more in the following sign.
Scorpio (the Scorpian): October 23 – November 21
Scorpios are Transient, Self-Willed, Purposeful, and Unyielding. This should be my husband’s sign, because he is transient with his many projects, self-willed about starting these projects, purposeful about not getting around to actually doing these projects, and unyielding of the right to start another project while a half dozen are left unfinished. Also, he actually likes spiders. Famous Scorpios include the majority of two-year-olds.
Sagittarius (The Centaur): November 22 – December 21
People with this sign are Philosophical, in Motion, Experimental, and full of Optimism. Translation: they’re mad scientists. These are the people who as children probably put marshmallows in the microwave to see how what would happen, or experimented with putting stuff up a sibling’s nose never to be seen again, or ate pure sugar straight out of those little packets. These children would be my brother and me, though neither of us are that sign, so I’m not sure why I put that in there. Sagittarius is represented by the Centaur, the half-man, half-horse from Greek Mythology. Famous people of this sign include Mr. Ed and his owner, Lady Godiva and Horse, and The Lone Ranger and Silver.
Capricorn (The Goat): December 22 – January 19
Capricorns are Determined, Dominant, Persevering, Practical, and Willful. They won’t stop until they have forced you to do all their work for them. Capricorns make awesome bosses and politicians. Capricorns are represented by the goat because goats eat cans and butt people and I really don’t know why. Famous Capricorns include all our past presidents, senators, and congressmen. Also, if you add insane to that list, you could include one of my former bosses.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): January 20 – February 18
People with this sign are Knowledgeable, Serious, Insightful, Duplicitous, Humanitarians. These are people who care about a cause, but are going to find thoughtful new ways to go about promoting it through trickery. PETA falls into this category. They want people to care about animals, so they have a campaign objectifying women because hey, they aren’t cats. Aquarius is represented by the water bearer, because people with this sign often retain water. Famous Aquarians include any hippies born in the 60s or 70s – the age of Aquarius.
Pisces (The Fish): February 19 – March 20
Pisces signs are known for Fluctuation, Depth, Imagination, Reactivity, and Indecisiveness. This makes them confused but imaginatively reactive bottom dwelling fish people. Pisces is represented by the fish because fish go good with chips, or so I hear. Famous Pisces people include Ariel the Little Mermaid, Moby Dick, and Spongebob Squarepants.
Did you find your sign? Great! Stay tuned for fabulous predictions starting next Friday. Your future is probably not at stake!