WTF Christmas Songs
In the past I’ve done posts about my love of Christmas songs. There was Scary Santa Songs and another about the wacky song “Do you hear what I hear?”. I got an irate reader years later from that one. She felt the need to tell me the song wasn’t meant to be taken LITERALLY on a blog that is not meant to be taken literally. Except when it is. I looked it up, and found out I have two posts with that same title, and one is serious, and one is not. It would be enough to blow that poor reader’s mind.
This topic may seem funny, but trust me, it’s very serious to many people. Even good Christmas songs played repeatedly can get irritating, but when they are also nauseating, saccharin, repetitive, and / or questionable, it just gets worse. I got a few votes for bad Christmas songs from a reader, and searched the Internet for more of them. Not only did I find songs I had disliked for years, I also found a song I had somehow never heard of by John Denver. I still wish I had never heard it, and so will you.
Enjoy, kids!
This is just a portion of them.
1.Wonderful Christmas Time
This song was submitted by reader crimsonowl63. I say this so my good buddy Merbear will not get mad at me for including Paul McCartney. (THE BEATLES ARE FAB!) I usually like Paul, and I don’t detest this song like some do (it was on a few lists I found). However, it does have a wee bit of repetition that could get annoying pretty quickly. For instance, the lyrics “Simply having a wonderful Christmas time” are sung about 20 times (I counted) but it seems like more, and then there’s the part about the ding dongs.
“Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding dong
Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding dong”
No more ringing! Really, though, the best thing about this song is the video, made in 1979 with lots of LSD side effects. I love it!
2.Baby It’s Cold Outside
This song fits into both the “repetitive” and “questionable” category. Basically, a woman wants to go home, but the guy wants her to stay. Because it’s . . . cold, yeah, that’s it. But hey, it’s warm in his – house! They go back and forth repeatedly with her saying “I really need to go home.” and him saying “But baby, it’s cold!” and her saying “I have a heater in my car.” and him saying “I took the engine out”, etc. Charming!
Just once I’d love the song to end with police sirens because the woman speed dialed 911 while the guy continued to croon at her.
3.Santa Baby
Speaking of 911, this time we have a woman seductively hitting up Santa for lots of material possessions cause she’s been good all year. She didn’t jump ALL the men she met, after all, so no harm no foul! This sounds a bit too much like the response many men in Hollywood, Congress, probably Mr. Roger’s neighborhood by now, etc., have had to accusations of harassing women. Good to know it’s equal opportunity.
Cause this woman wants a freaking platinum mine, and is probably willing to do whatever it takes to get it, including kidnapping Santa in her man trap or possibly forcing St. Nick into marriage so she can really have access to the good stuff. Hurry down the chimney, big guy!
It’s not Christmas till the cops show up!
4.Little Saint Nick
I know I’ve talked about plenty of Santa songs, but seriously, I can’t believe I forgot this one because man do I hate it. The Things were forced to perform this song twice a piece while waving red and green stop signs because school programs suck. It’s written by the Beach Boys who, as Thing Two pointed out, really only wrote one song ever, and just slightly budged the lyrics here and there.
This one’s not even about Santa, but his sleigh – although the Beach Boys are under the impression it’s either a car or a surfboard, since that’s all they sing about. The irritating, nails on chalkboard chorus really gets me.
It’s the little Saint Nick
Ooooo, little Saint Nick
It’s the little Saint Nick
Ooooo, little Saint Nick
Repeat this a million times or so. Run, run reindeer before the Beach Boys hitch you up to their woody.
5.Please Daddy Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas
No, seriously, this is a real song. By John Denver! The guy who sang happy, nostalgic songs about West Virginia and some chick named Annie! I had never heard of this song before, but it appeared on a bad Christmas song list somewhere and I had to check it out.
I realized I was filling an entire post just from my hatred of the “Christmas Shoes” song alone (“Mom’s dying! She needs shoes!”), so I figured this would make a good substitute for the bummer Christmas song category. It’s tough to get through the symbolism, but it seems this kid doesn’t want his dad to get drunk this Christmas, unlike last year when he passed out under the tree. Apparently this makes mom cry. He says this a lot. Dad drunk. Mom sad.
Yay I got drunk Dad for Christmas!
Here’s the festive lyrics.
Please daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas, I don’t wanna see my mamma cry.
Please daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas, I don’t wanna see my mamma cry.
Just last year when I was only seven, now I’m almost eight as you can see.
You came home a quarter past eleven, fell down underneath our Christmas tree.
Please daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas, I don’t wanna see my mamma cry.
Please daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas, I don’t wanna see my mamma cry.
Mamma smiled and looked outside the window. She told me, “Son, you better get upstairs.”
Then you laughed and hollered “Merry Christmas.” I turned around and saw my mamma’s tears.
Here’s a user-made video with the happy twangy lyrics and inexplicably a flashing Christmas tree and fireplace. Oh, yes, you’ll be happy to know that this song has also been remade! Twice!
Merry Christmas!
~ Alice
Letters to St Nick
I had absolutely no idea what to write for a Christmas post so I figured I would let you look back fondly on that year I sued Santa cause why not? I’ve helpfully combined all the posts (a series of letters back and forth to the big guy and our attorneys) right here. You’re welcome, and Merry Whatever.
Alice’s Letter to Santa
12/12/12
In five seconds this letter will explode.
From: Alice [Alice@wonderland.com]
To: Santa Claus [thebigSman@northpole.com]
Subject: My Demands
Dear Santa,Hey you know that stuff where I said I didn’t believe in you and your stupid tiny reindeer? Just kidding! I think you’re totally real and that you’re going to give me lots of material crap. That is what you do, right? I admit I’m a little confused on the whole concept. At four, my daughter asked to lead a prayer. Her prayer went as follows, “Dear God. Please ask Santa to bring me Barbie and the 12 Dancing Princesses. Amen.” I never realized you were middle management for God, Santa. I guess I could pray to your boss, but I think you’re a more direct line; and praying might be pushing it for me, as I hear your boss has lightning bolts.
My list is pretty simple this year. I just want peace and happiness and love and joyness for everyone. Also I want everybody to have a new purple flying Pegasus unicorn of their very own. Pfft, not really. I want a lot of stuff for me. You might get me the new purple flying Pegasus unicorn, since you failed to do that back when I was a child. This could be your chance to redeem yourself, fatty. I mean, Santa.
There are a few things I’d like for others, but mostly because it benefits me. First, I’d like that stupid kid to get her two front teeth, that other kid to get the darn hippo, and finally for that Santa baby twit to get all her crap so that they will all finally stop singing those songs. I hate them. A lot. Can you do that Santa? That would be swell.
Next I’d like for politicians to shut up. I think that would be ever so wonderful. They ought to be allowed to speak only on special occasions. With scripts. Prepared by normal human beings. I’m not sure how you’re going to accomplish this. Maybe you could import them all to the North Pole and give your poor elves a break. Yeah, I know all about your North Pole sweat shop you got going up there, Santa.
But what material possessions would I like for me? Glad you asked. I would like one of those living vacuum cleaners like the Teletubbies have. Get me a Noo-Noo. Also a new house. I know, you don’t have lots of houses at the shop. That’s okay. John McCain can’t even remember how many he has, so if you snatched one of his, he probably wouldn’t even know. Thanks.
If you just do these simple things for me, I will not only forgive you for past wrongs; I will not report you to the government for exploiting elves.
I’ll be waiting. Don’t mess up. I know where you live.
Alice Santa’s Reply 12/13/12 Hey, guys, you won’t believe this, but I totally got a response from Santa. I think he might have been slightly perturbed by my letter. Check it out:
I know, you’re jealous.
From: Santa Claus [ThebigSman@northpole.com}
To: Alice [alice@wonderland.com]
Subject: Your Letter
Alice,
My goodness, you are a RUDE little thing, aren’t you? And here I saw a picture of this cute little girl in a pinafore and thought that I was going to get a decent letter this time. Imagine my surprise when instead I got YOU.
You, Alice, are so not getting your Noo-Noo, or one of John McCain’s spare houses, and I’m certainly not letting you have one of my prized purple Pegasus unicorns. Those only go to good little girls. Good little girls do not ask Santa to steal, and they certainly do not try to blackmail Santa. That is a no-no. Therefore, I hate to say this Alice, but you are officially on my Naughty List.
And the Naughty List is NOT a good thing, no matter what those terrible books you’ve been reading say. Yes, I know about those. I see you when you’re sleeping, I know when you’re awake, and I know when you’ve been reading E.L. James. Shame, Alice. For shame.
I thought you should also know, Alice, that Santa unfollowed your blog. And I defriended you on Facebook. I do believe you are the only child Santa has ever defriended. Very sad, Alice. Expect coal to arrive in your inbox any time now. Also a large pile of reindeer poop I just had my elves scoop off my front porch.
Speaking of elves, I will have you know that they are very well treated. They do not work in a sweat shop. It’s very cold here. And I pay them in happiness and joy and Christmas spirit. Do you know what Christmas spirit is, Alice? It is not calling Santa a “fatty”, Alice. For your information, Santa is just big boned.
If you would like to get off my Naughty List, I would suggest you start doing the following:
Pet a kitten every day.
Smile.
Stop reading 50 Shades.
Try to be nice. Or at least pretend.
Stop blackmailing me and calling me fatty.
Sincerely,
Santa Claus
P.S. I haven’t been able to find Rudolf lately. That wouldn’t have anything to do with you, would it?
More Fun with Santa
12/14/12
That Santa is messing with the wrong girl. I decided to send him a friendly-type reminder via email.
From: Alice the Terminator [alice@wonderland.com]
To: Santa Jerk [ThebigSman@northpole.com]
Subject: What blinks red and poops glitter?
Santa Fatty,
Forgot to mention one little thing. Ding ding. That’s the sound of a reindeer harness. I have the best new flashlight ever. Also, a great lawn ornament. The most realistic on my block. Just sayin’.
Ooh, look, and here’s a picture:
Feelin’ lucky, Santa?
Looking forward to my Noo-Noo. Hint, hint.
Alice
P.S. It was way too easy to hack into your Facebook, Santa. “Ho, ho, ho” is a really lame password. Anyway, you are now friends with E.L. James. F.Y.I.
Santa Strikes Back
12/15/12
Wow, I am really enjoying these exchanges with old St. Nick. That’s what I love about WordPress. The community aspect. Hey, lookie, I got another email.
From: Santa is NOT a fatty [ThebigSman@northpole.com]
To: Naughty Alice [alice@wonderland.com]
Subject: Santa is getting a little angry now
Dear Alice,
There is no end to your depravity, is there? I sent a SWAT team of elves out to fetch my poor reindeer. Instead of Rudolf, what do I get? A pony with a bulb strapped to his nose. A depressed pony at that. Where is Rudolf?
I am not fooled by this, Alice.
If I don’t get my reindeer back soon, there will be no one to drive my sleigh. Then how will anybody get presents? You know, the deserving children that don’t steal and blackmail and kidnap innocent reindeer. Think about it.
Santa
P.S. Santa has nukes. F.Y.I.
Suing Santa
12/16/12
Well, this was getting out of hand, so I figured I needed some representation, STAT! Fortunately Thing One offered some advice as well as the help of her firm.
(In other words, part of this post was Thing One’s idea.)
From: The Law Offices of Thing One, Thing Two, Sad Pony, & Squirrel
To: Mr. Santa Edward Claus
c/c: Reindeer Incident
Dear Mr. Claus:
We refer to the incident involving the alleged kidnapping of one Rudolf Reindeer on the night of December 12, 2012. Our client respectfully has no idea what you are talking about. Said reindeer simply followed her home one day and our fellow attorney Sad Pony was there taking notes for the upcoming court case. Our client consents to returning said reindeer, but requires back payment of Christmas Presents for the last thirty or so years in return.
Don’t let this happen to you, Santa
It has also come to our attention that you have a nuclear factory located within 50 miles of your workshop. This is against North Pole code, and has possibly resulted in the glowing red nose of said reindeer as well as the various mutations found in some of your elves. It would be in your best interest to cease and desist operating your factory, before more legal action is taken against you.
Sincerely,
Thing One
Thing One, Thing Two, Sad Pony, & Squirrel, LLC
A Letter to Santa From his Attorney
12/17/12
Today I am proud to announce my very first guest blogger, Ravin from Ravin’s Rantings. Ravin has been my friend since I was just a 12 year old slightly deranged person. We are a tad older now, but she is still here – and now on my blog! Her firm is representing Santa, but it doesn’t look good for him, you guyz. Check it out:
Dear Mr. Claus,
I was alarmed and saddened to hear of the recent situation you face with Alice. We here at Elf Law are of course at your service. I must, however, advise you to settle out with Alice, for several reasons.
First, a lawsuit would not go well. The bad publicity would threaten your endorsement contracts with Coca-Cola and retailers.
Secondly, while I am aware that you have declared the North Pole a sovereign nation and yourself Absolute Dictator for Immortal Life, Russia and Norway would likely dispute your claim. Further, the North Pole Code took over five hundred years to develop in its modern form through careful negotiation between you and the native population of Elves. You already have a dubious track record with indigenous people:
If word of the nuclear power plant violation of the North Pole Code got out, The Elves Local #1 would strike, and force you to source new workers and move your workshop off-planet. Child labor trafficking isn’t as cheap as it was in the 50′s, Santa. You really don’t want to go there. You already have a criminal record, need I remind you?
I think it is also pertinent to remind you what happened the last time you allowed a feud with a mortal to escalate.
And it is no shock that Rudolph ran away. It’s entirely possible Rudolph is in cahoots with this Alice person.
Remember, he’s done it before.
In conclusion, the next time you have a dispute with a mortal, I suggest you call our office immediately, before taking actions that may be grounds for an emotional distress tort claim. Unfriending her and unfollowing her were reasonable decisions. Taunting and provoking a clearly unstable person by mentioning that you had done so may have gone beyond the bounds.
Had you simply cross-referenced her against our records, you would have found that you were under no obligation to respond to her letter or deliver anything to her, as your contract requires only delivery to minor children and she is an adult, pinafore notwithstanding. Additionally, Wonderland is outside our delivery area because of the undue hazard of entering the jurisdiction of the Red Queen and the relative lack of mortal children there.
However, given the mess you have made of the situation, taking her offer of an exchange in an alternative delivery location would be the prudent action at this time.
Sincerely,
Raven Elf,
Elf Law, L.L.C.
Well, after that exchange, you’d think I’d have gotten everything I wanted. This is not the case. Still waiting. Good luck to you, and Happy Holidays to yours and Fox News.
Alice
Letter to Holiday Paul
Last year I started a letter writing campaign to Santa. It devolved faster than your average comment section on MSN, resulting in blackmail, un-friending, multiple lawsuits, North Pole code violations, threats of nuclear devastation and kidnapped reindeer. It all turned out well because I got all those My Little Ponies I was never given as a child. Thanks, Santa! Considering I’m probably still on the naughty list, I figured I’d hit up a newer, better holiday joy bringer. Holiday Paul!
‘Ello, I’m Holiday Paul.
Who is Holiday Paul? Oh, man, I can’t believe you asked that. Merbear has a post about him on her blog. He’s like the elf on the shelf, but not creepy, because he’s a Beatle, you see. As in the band “The Beatles”, not the insect; don’t be ridiculous. You might be wondering why I would write holiday wishes to a former member of a band. Well now I’m telling you why! Christmas time is here again so Holiday Paul is coming to town. Listen up.
Holiday Paul was part of the Beatles and the Beatles were uber-famous and the first long haired freaky guys in the states! Their hair was like over their collars!
Holiday Paul is totally a knight, which is pretty cool.
Holiday Paul flies his Yellow Submarine on a magical mystery tour every year to deliver gifts of joy and joyness to children around the world! It’s a hard day’s night but someone has to do it.
This is like, way better than a sleigh, yo.
Holiday Paul gets by with a little help from his friends – the elves who sang the background to Lennon’s “So This is Christmas” help him make the gifts. Oh, you thought that was a children’s choir? Silly people.
Holiday Paul has much better holiday songs than Santa, like “Let it Be” and “All You Need is Love” (he was just kiddin’ with that one) and “Help!” (possibly recorded when he was mobbed last year at Macy’s.)
Holiday Paul is freaking loaded.
I think those are great reasons (especially the last one) to write to Holiday Paul this Christmas. So without further ado, here is my letter:
Holiday Paul in the early days, before he too declared war on Christmas
Dear Holiday Paul
Alice here. I know you say you can’t buy me love, but I was thinking you could try anyway. My list is really simple this year. I want you to stop all the wars and the crime and the poverty and the Tea Partiers. This would truly bring us Peace on Earth. I know, it’s so unselfish of me, which is why I figure I can get away with asking for the next few items.
I want a million dollars. I don’t really care if they’re marked or not, as long as they are spendable. I’d also like a few more houses and here’s why. I need one that my nine-year-old can live in with the lions, tigers and bears you give her as pets for Christmas. Oh, and I’ll need a nanny to go with that. I’d also like another house for my husband. It could really just be an enormous shop with a bathroom in it. He’d be happy as a lark. My thirteen-year-old needs a house so that all that stuff she crams into her locker and backpack can spread out. And that would leave me with my house, where I can rest comfortably. Oh, yeah, we’ll need a maid for that also. I don’t care what size he comes in – medium is fine. I’d also like an Ear-Vac, just because.
I guess that’s all for now, Holiday Paul. Thanks ever so much.
P.S. Your version of “Twist and Shout” was totally the best.
Alice
Hey, have you guys got any wishes for Holiday Paul? If so, feel free to write your own letters in a post linking back to Merbear, who first let me know the beauty of Holiday Paul! I think it would make Holiday Paul and Merbear very happy. Otherwise, just write down your wishes in the comments, and we’ll see if we can get to them. Hint: Letters are way better.
Tidings of Joy . . . or something
Good news! Santa decided to settle out of court. Rudolf has been safely returned so that he can fulfill his duties dragging Santa’s butt all over the freaking planet. Lucky Rudolf. And lucky Alice, for she has started getting presents from years past! Today I got a My Little Pony from the 1980s. You know, back when the ponies at least sort of resembled real ponies, if said ponies were purple with flowers on their butts.
Thanks, Santa!
Santa wasn’t the only one giving gifts. Alice was also awarded a brand new award by thelesbiannextdoor. It is top notch stuff, you guyz. Check it out.
I have the best friends ever.
I am supposed to list 2 or 5 or 10 fascinating facts about myself. Prepare to be fascinated, folks. Unless I’ve told you this already. Then pretend.
1. Alice has multiple degrees. No really. She has a BA in English, an MA in English, and an MLS (which means the queen of libraries or something). Irritatingly enough, these degrees do not add up to one PHD. And so far, no one has called her Master. Irritating.
2. Somehow these degrees also didn’t get Alice a fabulous high-paying job. Even though she spent years making up crap about Moby Dick. Life is not fair.
Oh yeah, and I’m supposed to come up with my own award. I guess it is Christmas, so I should give you something. Close your eyes. Keep them closed. You’ll be much happier.
There’s plenty for everybody!
I told you to keep them closed. Okay, look, I’m hoping for Photoshop for Christmas, because my paint program sucks. You’ll have to accept the Christmas freaking spirit instead. Don’t spend it all in one place.
Finally, Alice announces that she is taking a Christmas vacation. She’s not going anywhere (of course), but she is taking a break from blogging. For realz this time. This is my Christmas present to myself (and probably to you as well). Happy Freaking Holidays, whichever ones you are forced to endure lucky enough to celebrate!
Love,
Alice
Santa Strikes Back
Wow, I am really enjoying these exchanges with old St. Nick. That’s what I love about WordPress. The community aspect. Hey, lookie, I got another email.
From: Santa is NOT a fatty [ThebigSman@northpole.com]
To: Naughty Alice [alice@wonderland.com]
Subject: Santa is getting a little angry now
Dear Alice,
There is no end to your depravity, is there? I sent a SWAT team of elves out to fetch my poor reindeer. Instead of Rudolf, what do I get? A pony with a bulb strapped to his nose. A depressed pony at that. Where is Rudolf?
I am not fooled by this, Alice.
If I don’t get my reindeer back soon, there will be no one to drive my sleigh. Then how will anybody get presents? You know, the deserving children that don’t steal and blackmail and kidnap innocent reindeer. Think about it.
Santa
P.S. Santa has nukes. F.Y.I.
Your Weekly Horoscope (Sept 17-21)
Welcome back! It’s time for this past week’s horoscope, today. Because the future can’t be rushed once it’s in the past.
These guys are pretty freaking looking aren’t they?
This week, I have decided to divine fortunes based on the prophecies fortold within the wrappers of Dove candies. This could not have been accomplished without the unwitting help of my coworker’s candy dish. I managed to steal 12 candies from that desk. How? Here’s how.
This little guy comes in very handy.
Since some of these fortunes are needlessly complicated, I have added my expert commentary to each one.
Aries (The Ram): Mar 21 – Apr 19
Dove candy wrapper say: Now, time for chocolate relaxation.
Alice say: How exactly do you relax chocolate? Melt it? Give it a drink with one of those little umbrellas?
Taurus (The Bull): April 20 – May 20
Dove candy wrapper say: Treat yourself today
Alice say: Eat something better than a Dove candy. Like 12 Dove candies. For a good cause.
I just ate a Dove chocolate and am suddenly relaxed omg it is a miracle did they start putting sedatives in these?
Gemini (The Twins): May 21 – June 20
Dove candy wrapper say: Do all things with love
Alice say: All things? Like hail a taxi? How do you do that with love?
Cancer (The Crab): June 21 – July 22
Dove candy wrapper say: Be the first to hit the dance floor
Alice say: Faceplant in front of everybody. You’ll make an impression. (Do you get it? Do you?)
Leo (The Lion): July 23 – August 22
Dove candy wrapper say: Open your eyes to all the love around you.
Alice say: My eyes are open, Dove candy. All I see is laundry.
Virgo (The Virgin): August 23 – September 22
Dove candy wrapper say: Be the first to hit the dance floor
Alice say: Dove candy fortune writers are super original. I think E.L. James writes them.
Libra (The Scales): September 23 – October 22
Dove candy wrapper say: You should charge for your great advice
Alice say: Don’t worry about degrees. Just throw “Dr.” in front of your name and you’re golden.
Advice with a side of snark comin’ up.
Scorpio (the Scorpian): October 23 – November 21
Dove candy wrapper say: The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.
Alice say: The more Alice asks for bling, the more bling her readers give her.
Sagittarius (The Centaur): November 22 – December 21
Dove candy wrapper say: Ignite your sense of adventure
Alice say: Don’t ignite your adventure around flammable objects.
Capricorn (The Goat): December 22 – January 19
Dove candy wrapper say: You know what? You look good in red.
Alice say: Dove candy wrapper says you can eat more candy. You’ll still look good. Trust them.
Because Santa is hot, yo.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): January 20 – February 18
Dove candy wrapper say: Chocolate therapy is “Oh, so good.”
Alice say: Heck with psychiatry. Just eat chocolate. And then become a Scientologist.
Pisces (The Fish): February 19 – March 20
Dove candy wrapper say: Stir your sense of pleasure
Alice say: Alice is not going to touch that one.
aliceatwonderland 