Last year I did a Halloween Special where I talked about Peanuts and the Great Pumpkin and how I was surprised Charlie Brown did not become a serial killer. My children, the Things, have been nagging me about doing another Halloween Special because I did it last year and now, you know, it’s suddenly tradition. Crap.
Since I’ve already tackled the Great Pumpkin, I suppose I should get to the origins of Halloween. If you’ve read my other holiday origin posts, then you know I have done extensive research here, so get ready to be amazed.
As we all know, Halloween is Satanic, but what you might not know is how Satan came up with the whole idea. Well, first off, you have to feel a little sorry for the dude. I mean, he screwed up once and suddenly he’s demoted to manager of the bottom floor. I like to picture Hell as a giant waiting room in a doctor’s office. You sit for eons waiting to get a pitchfork out of your chest or for someone to treat your 4,000 degree burns. But guess what? No doctor is EVER coming. Unless you’re Catholic. Then you might get a doctor after a few centuries, but you can’t be certain if he’ll accept your insurance. Maybe you better just stay in the waiting room.
But I was talking about Satan. He’s got all these angry sinners moaning at him all the time about how the lady fell on the knife honest, or hey can you turn down the heat, or it’s been 6,000 years can I stop rolling this boulder uphill? Whine, whine, whine. Then you look up and what’s the Big Cheese doing? Hanging out with the easy good people and the cute little cherubs and stuff. They have air conditioning up there, and word has it, Cable. You’re bound to get a little resentful eventually.
So Satan figured out a way to get even. He’d come up with a holiday. It was only fair since the Great CEO already had Easter, Christmas, and Labor Day. But Satan, that wretched scourge of humanity, had to have a holiday that was seriously diabolical. He decided to encourage small children, those innocent little cherubs, to dress up in outrageously overpriced costumes modeled after figures in popular culture, which we know is evil, and then, and THEN he would have them go beg neighbors for candy to rot their teeth out. It was horrible yet BRILLIANT and parents fell for it, mostly because he sent his demons to place tons of advertising out well in advance of the holiday so the kids couldn’t possibly miss it. He’s still not as efficient as the angels who get out the Christmas stuff in August, but he’s getting better and better.
So just remember, each year when Tommy dresses up like the 5,000th Iron Man on the block, or Susie dresses up like a cute ballerina, that this is part of Satan’s plan. He knows that Iron Man is totally violent and that ballerinas often become anorexic and thus both are awful role models. He’s chuckling as you shell out your hard earned money for something the kids will wear for one night, or worse, insist on wearing FOREVER. Not only that, you’re going to have to spend Halloween night either taking the kid to some obnoxious carnival with bouncy houses, or dragging them door to door and hoping the people inside aren’t creepers. And don’t think you get out of it if you don’t have kids. You can turn the light off at your house, but the little punks will still come and ring your doorbell every five seconds until you lose your mind.
Now there are some parents who refuse to go along with the plan because they know Satan’s plan. But they can’t escape it either, for yea, Satan is everywhere. And their kids will whine that their friends get to do Halloween and why can’t theyyy and the churches will give in and have “fall festivals” that are really Halloween in disguise and you can’t go shopping without seeing the evil everywhere and there is no avoiding it unless you plan on moving to an Amish village or worse, some foreign country like France. So it’s best to just give in and let Satan have his day. Maybe then he won’t be so handy with the pitchfork when you die choking on a candy corn.
I have to thank List of X for this post. He sent me a link to an article about a politician who thinks Yoga could “open individuals to Satan”. That’s good, because you know how much Satan hates picking locks. Haha, yeah I’m not kidding. In fact here’s the link. It gets better. This guy, E.W. Jackson, is actually the Virginia GOP candidate for lieutenant governor.
Let me take this moment, Virginians, to thank you for temporarily taking the place of Texas as stupidest state in the union.
I have to hand it to this guy. He does insane really well. So much so that quotes from his book (yes of course he wrote a book) Ten Commandments to an Extraordinary Life were pasted up on the conservative website The National Review. When The National Review makes fun of you, that’s a bad sign, man.
Still, I thank him, because without him, I would still be ignorant of the Truth about Yoga. Jackson says you should beware of “emptying yourself” with yoga. I don’t think I’ve ever emptied myself with yoga. That sounds rather unsanitary. Still, he warns against this because Satan “is happy to invade the empty vacuum of your soul and possess it.” I think you’re a little confused there, buddy. It’s not your soul that’s the empty vacuum, it’s your brain.
He adds “this is why people serve Satan without ever knowing it or deciding to.” Really? Does this mean I could be serving Satan right now? With my Downward Dog? Hey, Satan, check out my butt!
Jackson also thinks that “most people are dead spirits.” That would be the voting public, right? He might have a point there, especially if they vote for him. I was intrigued by Mr. Jackson, so followed the link back to The National Review where Betsy Woodruff took delight in posting up these tidbits from this amazing book. Thanks, Betsy, cause there’s even more fun to be had here.
He warns us that the end times are near, and I believe he might be right because he both managed to write a book and run for political office. But a few more things have to happen first. In his words “Part of what must happen during this period of great harvest for the kingdom of God is a massive wealth transfer. It is not going to happen by theft or governmental policy. It is going to happen supernaturally. Those invested in God’s market are going to reap a windfall. Make up your mind now to buy in.”
Wow. I am excited, yet confused. I mean, I certainly want to rake in the dough as it sayeth in the Bible, but I didn’t realize we could buy stock in God. When is this wealth transfer taking place? Silly me, I thought it already had, as 1 percent of our nation holds the majority of the wealth already. Maybe he means that this wealth is going to be transferred to us poor people? This makes sense, really, if you consider the Rapture. Since so many wealthy people also believe themselves God’s elite, then maybe when they are yanked up into Heaven, all this money will just be layin’ around for us. Don’t forget they’ll be leaving their Ralph Lauren duds as well. We are going to be rich and stylin’, folks.
Satan, get thee behind me, cause I’m waitin’ for my windfall. While you’re back there, can you tell me if my butt looks big in these yoga pants?
P.S. And another thing, Satan. Please explain to me Mr. E.W. Jackson, because I’m fairly sure you have something to do with this moron.
Welcome back! It’s time for this past week’s horoscope, today. Because the future can’t be rushed once it’s in the past.
Aries (The Ram): Mar 21 – Apr 19
Expect successful business dealings this week, but remember compromise comes at a price. It will be a while before Satan collects, though, so have fun!
Taurus (The Bull): April 20 – May 20
Good thing you’re patient, cause you’re going to be waiting on that promotion for a loooong time.
Gemini (The Twins): May 21 – June 20
You are getting a bad reputation lately. Do you know where your evil twin is?
Cancer (The Crab): June 21 – July 22
Your week will be full of suck. Why did you get out of bed?
Leo (The Lion): July 23 – August 22
The position of the Enterprise in the Delta Quadrant indicates that you will get seriously lost. Try not to lead any friends along with you or they will hate you. What am I saying? They already hate you.
Virgo (The Virgin): August 23 – September 22
The moon tells me you don’t deserve to be called a Virgo, you Jezebel. Yes, we all know about that.
Libra (The Scales): September 23 – October 22
The position of Batman in the Fifth Movie indicates you will wear your underwear outside your pants, don a cape, and attempt to fly around your office. There may be a new job in your future.
Scorpio (the Scorpian): October 23 – November 21
Avoid spiders. Especially radioactive ones.
Sagittarius (The Centaur): November 22 – December 21
When the reality show Storage Wars crosses with Bachelor Pad, you will find the contestants on Bachelor Pad stored away in vaults. A new viewing pleasure is on your horizon.
Capricorn (The Goat): December 22 – January 19
All signs indicate that after November’s election, you should move to Canada.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): January 20 – February 18
Due to the lack of water on Mars, you will hold onto all of yours until you bloat up like a float in a Macy’s Day Parade.
Pisces (The Fish): February 19 – March 20
It’s time to sink or swim, Pisces! With that giant anvil tied around your ankle, it’s looking like sink. Bummer.
Stay tuned next week to find out what you should have done last week! Or something.
You know, there are a lot of reasons I hate 50 Shades of Grey. And if you read my blog, you will discover that I’ve complained about this book more than is probably healthy. But one thing I haven’t complained about is the possibility of this book leading people to Satan. That’s a new one for me.
Speaking of Satan, anyone else watch “Days of Our Lives” in the 90s? I did because I was a college student then and it came on at noon. Perfect lunch fare, if like crazy with your burger. My favorite storyline had to be the one where Marlena was possessed by Satan. Anyone else remember that one? Just me? Eh, well, no matter, it was awesome. See there were all these murders and stuff happening in Salem and everyone figured it was no-neck Stephano cause who else caused trouble but it wasn’t it was SATAN acting through psychologist (that always made me giggle) Marlena. You could tell she was possessed because of the impressive yellow contacts and the disembodied voice. It was a whale of a lot of fun.
But some people didn’t think so. Namely the Catholic Church people. They were pretty mad about this, even though just a week before that storyline started teenage Sami drugged her sister’s boyfriend, mutton headed Austin, into sleeping with her. Not a blink on that one, but Satan? Yeah, they were pretty annoyed. In the church’s defense, I will admit that Satan appearing in a soap opera is not as common as drug induced sexy times appearing on a soap opera, so I’m sure they felt they had to pick their battles.
But what does this have to do with 50 Shades of Grey? Well, see, there are some religious folk that do not want women to read this because the sexy times in this book might lead women to sin. So it’s kind of like Sami reading 50 Shades, getting possessed by the devil, and boinking her sister’s boyfriend. That’s what they are afraid of here. Well, kind of. In case you think I’ve just gone off the deep end, I do have links.
First up is this one from buzzfeed about the Christian backlash against 50 Shades of Grey. Dannah Gresh, a Christian author, thinks reading this book is a form of adultery against your husband. Oh, okay, so – say what? She says, “anything other than my husband creating arousal in me would be missing the mark of God’s intention.” She also argues that reading stuff like this could cause women to not be able to enjoy sex with their husbands. I don’t know, I think one reason why women are reading this book is because they already don’t enjoy sex with their husbands. I don’t think Gresh has to worry about me, though, because I find the book about as arousing as dental floss. So my soul is safe.
The next article is even weirder. Sally Quinn of the Washington Post thinks that women have found God in Christian Grey. I didn’t realize God was into that sort of relationship. Quinn says, “We all live in our own Red Room of Pain (private hell) for some part of our lives. Fifty Shades shows heaven can exist as well, and shows us a way to experience some of that overpowering bliss on earth.” I don’t think so. If anything, these books prove there is a Hell and we are in it right now.
Finally, there is this article that has really made the rounds with people. A hotel owner decided to replace all the Gideon Bibles with copies of 50 Shades of Grey. He wondered, “. . . about the sense of providing a book, the Gideon Bible which no one reads, and many dislike, in the bedside cabinet of our hotel bedrooms, instead of a book which everyone wants to read, such as Fifty Shades of Grey.” Wait, what? Look, I am far from the most faithful gal out there, but I think I’d be trading my copy in for the Bible. At least the Bible is written in complete sentences. And not once in the Song of Solomon, which is pretty steamy with all the pomegranate talk, does either lover say “Jeez, that’s hot.” Bible 2, 50 Shades 0.
Anyway, I just want to say to my faithful friends that they really don’t have to worry about 50 Shades of Grey. It’s stupid, but I’m fairly certain it’s not Satanic. Then again, I’m still puzzling over how this book got so popular with women when it is so awful. Could it be? Maybe they are right after all. Better safe than sorry, I always say. Don’t read the book. Read the fabulous recaps on the Internet instead. You’ll be glad you did.