I was going to have some more recaps for ya, but TLC had different ideas. As I’ve noted before, TLC’s schedule is apparently created by someone with both OCD and ADHD. So I again did not manage to catch new episodes of either of the two oh-so-awesome shows I’m covering. This is partly because TLC is so in love with their new show “Secret Sex Lives” which is totally different from “Sex sent me to the ER” and “Strange Addictions” and “My Crazy Obsession” and “Strange Sex”. Like, they moved the words around, duh!
So I figured, my brain is so far gone by now, why not? I turned on “Secret Sex Lives”. And who do I see first but my old pal Nathaniel from “Strange Addictions”! Hey, TLC, that’s cheating! Not only that, you’re not even branching out and trying to rip off other networks. You’re ripping YOURSELF off now. I’m on to you!
In case you don’t remember Nathaniel, he’s better known as “Car Sex Guy”. It was pretty horrifying to see this guy the first time. But TLC shows him again anyway, cause it’s a “sex life” that’s “secret” because it’s “disturbed”. And they don’t even get new footage – not that I could have stood any more footage of Nat licking his steering wheel and whispering sweet nothings to the upholstery. But still, come ON, TLC. Have you really run out of morons so quickly that you have to repeat old morons on new shows? Shame, TLC, shame.
So I figured, why don’t I branch out and look at whatever idiot thing TLC happens to be covering when I’m watching TV long after my lunch has fully digested. And since we’re like 3 months from June, why not a wedding show?
Friday has a marathon of “Say Yes to the Dress”. I discussed this show briefly while feverish and doped up during my bout with Pneumonia. The show is no better when you’re well. I was actually looking about for some more drugs, even though I’m not “technically” sick right now.
I really hate this show. All the tension rests on what horribly overpriced dress some stupid girl is going to choose for her wedding. Keep in mind that a wedding lasts a few hours at most. You’re not even going to wear the dress the entire day. And you’ll never wear it again, even when you marry moron number 2, because who wants to get married in the same dress you used with the first jerk?
Yet the dress shop owners act as if this is an “investment in their future.” What? Unless the bride-to-be is planning on becoming Miss Haversham and wearing the dress all day long while collecting dust and raising young girls to hate all men, then, no, this really isn’t an investment in her future, at least not a future past the next month or so. It’s actually nauseating what these people will spend on a single outfit. 10,000 is usually considered their “bottom-line dress.” Choose that garbage bag, and you’re sure to get a “no way girlfriend” shake of the head from one of those snobby twits at the shop.
And if they don’t turn their noses up at the girls, then be sure someone in the family will. Why, I ask, would you bring that many family members to help you choose a dress? How stupid is that? They aren’t going to wear it. I could see bringing your mother if you happen to like her, or a friend, but your entire extended family? Even Grandma who thinks any dress with less than a turtleneck collar, long sleeves, and a skirt that covers the ankles is slut city?
Of course, I have a feeling many of these women are not paying for the dresses themselves, hence at least having the parents there to approve the choice. Here’s the thing, though – if you can’t afford your own dress, are you ready to be out on your own? Get a job, save some money, then get a dress for a couple hundred at most, and put the 10 grand (or more) that some misguided person gave you on a freaking HOUSE, mmkay? That’s a good girl.
If “Say Yes to the Dress” followed the natural progression of things, it would take the same couple through a number of other shows. First the happy couple who spent everything on a dress go to their new trailer house in “Welcome to Myrtle Manor”, then have “Strange Sex” followed immediately by “Sex Sent Me to the ER” which leads to “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” resulting in “Quints by surprise!” leading to “Extreme Couponing” and devolving into “Cake Boss” and “My 600 lb life”. But, alas, no, all we get is the stupid dress. Whoop-te-shit. This isn’t even the only wedding show on TLC. You’ve also got “Friday Bride Day”, “My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding” (I see what you did there TLC), “Four Weddings” (God help me), “I found the gown” (Did you use coupons?), “Say Yes to the Dress Atlanta” (these are like CSI shows), and “Say Yes to the Dress Bridesmaids.” That’s too many shows about brides.
By the end of an episode of “Say Yes to the Dress”, I’m almost ready to watch Nathaniel and his car. At least they aren’t spending a lavish amount of money on a wedding. Please say they aren’t.
So there you go. No light up boobs, not even a light up dress. Sad. But still, there’s a post! Yay.
So I was really disappointed this Saturday when there was no “ER Sexy Times” episode. Instead it was yet another show with sex in the title – “Secret Sex Stories”. So secret it’s totally on cable! Wow, I was really interested since it was going to have a woman with the biggest natural boobs like ev-ah, but they didn’t glow in the dark or anything special, so bo-ring. Also, this show didn’t promise to send one of the idiots involved to the hospital. I mean, duh, the best part is watching them get injured. I figured instead I would just take the quiz that TLC had on their website, because you know how much I love taking pointless quizzes.
The quiz was called “Bedroom Habits Exposed: How Does Your Sex Life Compare?” Oh, goody! You all wanted to know what was goin’ down in the Wonderhood right? I didn’t think so. There were some fascinating questions, and even better were the answers people gave.
Each question played a clip from ER Sexy Times underneath. Sometimes the clip had something to do with the question, but most of the time it was just a random bit from the show. I was sad not to see the tree sex people, since I definitely most identified with them.
The first question was: “Where’s the best place to have a quickie?”
Now some of you weirdos might be thinking “bed” or even “couch” but sorry, neither of these are listed cause who does that? The choices were:
- A. In a dark closet
- B. It’s going down in the bathroom
- C. Hit the stop button and get it done in the elevator
- D. Pull off the highway and get in the back of the car.
It was really hard to decide. I mean, who hasn’t been getting dressed for work in a dark closet, tripped, and landed on their husband’s peen? Maybe people not married to men. And the bathroom? As long as you have the shower head, who needs anyone else, right? Sex in an elevator – lovin’ it up as you’re goin’ down? Heck yeah! This way you can not only inconvenience all the people waiting for the elevator, you can get bodily fluids all over a public place, and probably get filmed by the security camera. The video will then appear on youtube, and make you wildly famous. Humping in the back seat of the car is great too, especially when a cop pulls over to arrest you for public indecency.
I left out a few of the questions because the answers were so sexist. I mean, for some reason TLC assumes only women and gay guys are taking this quiz. I guess the straight men are all busy taking quizzes on what kind of power tool they’d go out with or something. So I just left the most P.C. questions, just to show I care.
Next question: What are you most afraid of hurting during sex?
- Oh, geez, definitely my vagina
- Penis, that’s the baby maker
- All the sex could cause a heart attack
- I’m afraid of head injury
I don’t know about you men, but I’m pretty concerned about hurting my coochie. But we ladies are also concerned about your body parts because, hello, babiezz! If your penis is all smooshed, how you gonna knock us up, huh? Otherwise, like, who cares? A heart attack is totally possible, because sometimes we eat at KFC before getting’ our groove on. Moving on, head injuries? Oh, yeah, big worry there. My husband is always whacking my head into walls, car doors, trees, telephone poles, and wherever else we happen to be when the mood strikes. I always bring Tylenol for protection, just in case.
Question Three: What gets you in the mood?
- Reading a romance novel; hello Mr. Grey
- A great date, followed by drinks in the apartment
- An adult film, it’s to the point.
- Champagne and strawberries
What gets me in the mood? Well, besides “ER Sexy Times” and “balloon animals”, I’m obviously gonna have to go with A. Reading 50 Shades of Grey. That is such a major turn on I can hardly keep from puking in my sexy bathroom.
Question Four: How do you describe your lovemaking?
- Sensual and Tender
- Like Rihanna’s song “S&M”
- Yee haw, ride ‘em, cowboy!
Sensual and tender? Hahaha! How risky is that? No, better to go with whips and chains and your occasional buttplug. But if your budget is low, you can always DIY S&M with rakes and leaf blowers. I’m not sure if my lovemaking is unemotional. I think it’s very emotional, especially if the Olympics is playing on the TV at the same time. And as for the last one? Oh, yes, of course, nothing like sex on a mechanical bull to keep your juices going and your marriage hot, hot, hot!
Question Five: What’s your favorite part about sex?
- The connection with another human being
- It’s a great workout
- The foreplay
- Ummm, hello . . . orgasm!
Pfft, I love how one of the answers is “connection with another human being.” Good grief, thanks to “Strange Addictions” I now know that human beings are actually optional. In case you’re not sure about your partner, here is a handy cheat sheet you can use when selecting dates. The following are NOT human:
Donald Trump’s hair piece
Alright then, with that out of the way, is sex a great workout? It depends on how long you can keep going at it. You know how some people say they have sex for hours and hours? If it takes that long to have sex, someone’s doing something wrong. Foreplay can only go on for so long, unless you happen to be in a porno. So foreplay’s out too. That leaves us with “orgasm” as the best part of sex. Like, duh, of course it is. Unless you’re like this lady here, then it gets kind of old.
Okay then the answers. The largest majority of people (32%) thought quickies in the bathroom were the best. And here I thought you like, went pee in there and stuff. I never realized how much romance could be found! Lesson learned. 47% were afraid of hurting the old va-jay-jay (I have to wonder how many of these people were men or balloon animals), and 24% were afraid of hurting the babiezz maker. Only 15% were afraid of head injuries, so SOME people have really boring sex lives, clearly.
46% said a great date and booze got them in the mood. Only 15% thought 50 Shades of Grey got them in the mood. You might note that this is the same percentage of people who were afraid of head injuries during sex. Coincidence? I think not. 33% described their lovemaking as “Ride ‘em, cowboy!” That’s nice to know. Finally, favorite part of sex? It was pretty evenly divided between “connection with another human” and “orgasm.” No word on whether the “orgasm” ones read my cheat sheet or not.
So there you have it. I have to say, this quiz was at least as informative as Cosmo, and had the added bonus of video clips which you usually don’t have in Cosmo. Otherwise Cosmo would be much more popular with both sexes. If you’d like to take the quiz, go to this link here.
So question of the day – what gets you guys in the mood?
I think TLC knows I decided to cover “Sex Sent Me to the ER” (from here on out known as “ER Sexy Times”) and “Strange Addictions” through that psychic lady of theirs. Because on Wednesday, they decided to show the shows back to back. And I watched them, back to back, because I’m covering them for this here blog and because I did not want to get up. I’ll start with ER Sexy Times and get you Strange Addictions next time. It’s a doozy.
Here we go. First moron couple is doing the horizontal mambo when the guy starts itching on his face, and then his “down there”. He gets a nasty rash that he decides needs to be seen in the ER, though the girlfriend’s like, hey, no biggie. Cause, like, it wasn’t on her va-jay-jay, right? So the doctor is super helpful, saying oh it could be VD, or maybe not, I don’t know. I don’t even know why I’m here wearing this coat, actually. So the guy accuses the girlfriend of cheating on him, and they don’t speak for a week, and then it turns out it’s not VD just a reaction to something, and he forgets about it.
Until she brings it up later. Just, really, why would you do this? She admits that she used lotion all over her body and by all over, I mean, really all over and under and everything. I’m not sure I know of any lotion that’s okay for your nether regions. At any rate, it certainly wasn’t okay for his. He is understandably upset by her just now telling him this, but it’s okay, because she’s still offering sex.
Next a professional fighter and his girlfriend are off in Malaysia where he has a match. Girlfriend decides to literally jump him, but she gets off just a tad, and comes down realllly hard, and BAM, time out guys. Slinky is bent and bleeding all over the place. The couple are calm and collected, though. Just kidding. They act like the Sims characters when you set them on fire. They run to the bathroom, where he grabs a towel and then faints from the blood loss and fractures his jaw on the floor. And then he wakes up and says “Get me to the hospital.” Just kidding. He tells her to get ice. For his broken, blood-spurting penis. Finally, one of them gets the idea to call for an ambulance. Oh, do you think?
They take him in where the doctor explains that you can break your peen because something about lots of blood built up and spongy tissue and all I remember was OUCHIE and he says it only happens to like 1,000 out of millions of guys but somehow TLC has found two of them in the first two episodes I’ve seen. Impressive, TLC. Malaysia is obviously not big on HIPPA and so everyone in the hospital, down to the janitor, learns of his broken pee pee and come to investigate. Poor dude. But when he gets out, it’s all okay, and he and girlfriend go at it again. I dunno. I think I’d be a bit wary of that chick, myself. But, you know, she offered sex.
Finally, our last moron couple decides it’d be fun to role play as vampire and victim. But first they take some ecstasy, because I’m guessing you have to be really stoned in order to play something this idiotic. She is blindfolded and chained to the bed in her lingerie. He is flapping around the room with fake fangs and a cape, making the actual Edward from Twilight look dignified in all his sparkly glory. Nothing could possibly go wrong here. Unless, you know, he trips over a coffee table and fractures his skull.
So he’s on the ground unconscious, and she’s yelling for her Edward, but too stoned to really know wtf is going on. Fortunately, or unfortunately considering these two might go on to breed, a neighbor hears her and phones 911 and he is taken to the hospital. She shows up later, ranting about her immortal lover while the doctors try to figure out what the hell happened. The doctor quips, “I always think I can never be surprised and then I am.” I’m sure you are, doc. And how lucky that TLC is here to reenact it for you! You see, the lovers are either awful actors or playing themselves (same thing), but the doctors are usually real. I’m guessing they figured they’d make a lot more money doing this show than, you know, saving lives, which says something about our society.
So does the vampire couple. Surgeons elsewhere operate on the guy and fix his skull, and while this is going on, the doctors try to get the girlfriend’s chains unlocked because naturally there is only one key and these are real, freaking chains. The doctor mentions that maybe they should have had a backup plan. Like, say, not being stoned, and not being tied up, and not dressing stupidly, and not tripping over coffee tables and managing to fracture your skull. That kind of thing. Good luck, doc.
So what do you guys think? Any of you guys broken a peen? Can you think of any other words I can use in place of the names of actual body parts?
So I checked the TLC poll again, and not counting that crazy book idea (I did make it through part of Ladies Home Journal), “Strange Addictions” won followed by “Sex Sent Me to the ER”. TLC has the most screwed up schedule ever, which fits with the programming but makes it hard to keep up with. Instead of, say, having an episode at the same time each week, they have multiple episodes of the same show. So basically the line up can look like this:
7:00: Cake Boss
8:00: Cake Boss
9:00: Cake Boss
10:00: More Cake Boss
11:00: Even more freaking Cake Boss
11:30: How do this many cakes exist?
What this means is it’s hard to catch when the shows are on. But I did manage to catch “Sex Sent Me to the ER”, so I figured, why not cover that and “Strange Addictions”? I did not consult my brain in this matter.
“Sex Sent Me to the ER” (on first writing I wrote “Sex in the ER”, which is a totally different show. It’s called “Grey’s Anatomy”) airs late Saturday night. I ended up missing bits here and there – it might have been my synapses snapping. But it’s pretty easy to get the gist of things. Sex. Injury. E.R. Maybe they should make teenagers watch this show to prevent pregnancies.
The first idiot is a musician with sideburns from the 60s. I hate him already. He brags about how wild his sex life with his girlfriend is, and to show this, TLC has the bottom of a bed bouncing up and down and making pictures fall from the ceiling. Ah, so this is like 50 Shades sex. I get it. If only Ana and Christian had ended up in the E.R. But I digress.
So they are making the whoopie and he has a huge orgasm and as a bonus, a stroke! The fun thing is, he’s too stupid to realize this. He can hardly move his left side, but figures, hey, pinched nerve. Yeah, um, that’s one hell of a nerve you have there, man. He puts off going to the hospital until he’s unable to play his guitar (the horror). Finally he and girlfriend arrive at the ER and the receptionist asks how he injured himself.
Cue sad trombone: wah wah waaaaaaaaah.
He says “Having sex. It happened during an orgasm. It was a doozy!” The woman looks at him the same way I would, like she’d like to injure his other side. He gets examined, and the doctor says he had a stroke even though he’s only 40. The fact that he has smoked since he was NINE combined with bouncy sex resulted in a blood clot getting dislodged. Remember that, kids. Sex = stroke.
Next up, “the 400 pound virgin” (they actually title the different segments this way – haha witty TLC!) finally gets a girl. A rather tiny girl, so I’m imagining all sorts of possibilities here. Does she get trapped in the rolls of skin? Is she literally smashed into the bedsheets? Does she suffocate? Turns out, none of the above. He merely pushes her head through the wall.
At first he’s afraid he’s killed her. They show the real couple laughing about it. Haha, remember that time you nearly accidentally murdered me? Oh, fun times. But she’s alive, just a little out of it, since she asks him why he stopped. Um. There’s sheet rock in your hair, lady.
They go to the ER. She has a concussion, but prospects are good since she doesn’t seem like a mental giant anyway. The guy went on to lose a lot of weight since that encounter. Maybe he was motivated by the girl saying no more nookie until you stop using me as a jackhammer.
Finally, we have the guy with the fractured penis. Neat fact: There are no bones in a penis, but you can still fracture it! And it apparently hurts like hell! Go figure. He’s there with his girlfriend while the doctor examines him and then dun dun dun – who comes in the room but his wife?
Cute sad trombone: wah wah waaaaaah
But it’s okay, because they all know each other and everything. Apparently the whole thing happened because the guy and the girlfriend were getting it on in the laundry room when the wife decided to join in. Then things went awry. An ironing board landed smack on his peen and made a major ouchie, resulting in the trip to the ER.
Surgeon General’s Warning: Three-ways in laundry rooms may result in fractured penises.
Anyway, while the girlfriend and the wife know each other, they don’t always like each other, judging by how quickly they get in a drop down, drag out fight right there in the ER. A wig is yanked off. This is like an episode of Jerry Springer, only with less class. They break up the fight, and the husband tells them to make up. They do – by making out. This is uncomfortable enough for everyone, even the husband who gets excited which is a bad thing with a broken manhood. But it gets worse: Wife bites girlfriend’s tongue, resulting in another injury. Oops.
The doctor is working with a medical student who at this point is probably reconsidering her career. The wife suggests they just put the penis in a splint and be done with it, but apparently it’s a wee bit more complicated than that. It involves surgery, which still would have to be better than walking around with a stick attached to your, well, anyway.
The show finally ends, or I guess it did, since I missed the last few minutes because snore. But there is your recap, and I do hope, like the medical student, you have learned some valuable lessons. Don’t have sex. Like, ever.