Last time I asked what series, if any, you’d like me to continue. The majority (of like 3) voted for Boppo torture. I love you guys. But as I was considering another way to kill a clown, I remembered that Speaker 7 had made a request. She asked “Can you please do the same thing only with Sims versions of Christian Grey and Ana Steele?” I thought it was a BRILLIANT idea. So I did it.
Now it wouldn’t surprise me if many disturbed women have made their own Christians and Anas, so as to repeat the horror of that story over and over in Sim form. I’m going to play with them a bit differently, however. As in I’m going to beat the snot out of them, just as I wanted to sooo many times whilst reading those books. Take this, James.
First off, I made our happy couple. Since James gave so many details (as in almost none) it was pretty easy to create them. Christian has mussy red hair, a gray tie, and long fingers. Well I got the hair and the tie. Score. Next Ana has brown hair (just like crackwhore mom’s, awww) and is wearing the plum dress she borrowed from her friend several dozen times. I think I’d want that dress back as much as I’d want Monica Lewinsky’s.
Next I had to build a house for the psychotic pair. Just like James, I decided to make it as subtle and unassuming as possible. Observe. (Click to enlarge)
I figured Federal Fortress was right up their alley and added the helicopter pad for good old Charlie Tango (yes he named the helicopter). You might wonder why I remember all these details from the book. That’s only because they are repeated 5 BILLION TIMES. James should really consider teaching the times tables or something. The kids would never forget their math facts then. (1 buttplug plus 1 buttplug = red)
But what is Christian’s house without the Red Room (red room, red roooom?) It’s almost normal, that’s what. I couldn’t find whips and chains, because even Sims hasn’t gotten quite that deranged yet, so I had to make due with a trellis. I figure Christian is creative enough to tie her up to that while also growing fresh strawberries, you know, “down there”.
You’ll notice a “toy chest” in the corner for all of Christian’s sex toys (buttplugs in every shape and size – I wish I was kidding) and a flying model of Charlie Tango that Ana gave Christipoo for his birthday. Their bed is like something out of Martha Stewart! And just for the hell of it, I added a spotlight and mirrors, because we’re talking Christian and Ana, and there’s nothing they’d like more. Oh, yeah, and in the corner, there’s that roaster that took out poor Boppo. Hmm.
You might even notice that Ana has on the matching underwear set that Christian’s bodyguard bought for her, because of course that’s what bodyguards do and OMG I will never get this crap out of my brain help meeeee.
I kept thinking something was missing, though, and then I knew. Lilah! Lilah, in case you didn’t read my amazing recaps (There’s only like a billion of them, what’s wrong with you?) is Christian’s crazy ex-girlfriend who unfortunately fails to successfully gun down Christian and Ana. She’s still my favorite character so I made her a Sim. Pretty easy – just take Ana and put her hair in braids. Christian likes braids because MAKE IT STOP!
What’s so funny about the Sims is that you can never predict what they’re going to do. As soon as I added Lilah to the family, she went right up to the Red Room and oblivious to Christian and Ana, started playing with the remote control Charlie Tango.
But here I haven’t gotten to the torturing part yet! My apologies. First up – morons on fire!
A twisted reader, Tammy, told me about something called the Tombstone of Death you could get through a cheat that allowed you to quickly kill Sims in every possible way. I had to have it, of course, and made quick use of it. Next up, Christian death by flies!
Boppo may get a post per death, but I really couldn’t wait with these two. You can’t possibly understand how much you can hate fictional characters until you take a gander at these books. Anyway next I had Christian get struck by lightning while peeing. Karma anyone?
One thing I found funny was that after Christian turned to ash, Lilah cried for two seconds, then started plunging the toilet. With Ana she didn’t even shed one tear, just scooped her up in the dust bin. She might be nuts, but the girl is practical.
Ana gets some fun too, don’t worry. While reading, how many times did I think – I wish a Satellite would fall out of the sky and she would burst into flames? Lots. Considering Christian failed to properly die in the Charlie Tango, I felt someone should die in a freak explosion.
While that was immensely satisfying, I felt it wasn’t quite “Ana” enough. First I tried death by disease, and it was pretty cool to see her choking (who didn’t want to choke her at least once?) but then I settled on death by starvation, since Ana only eats about 50 calories throughout all three books.
That’s all I have. Though I could have done this dozens more times, you get the picture. Or pictures. This is the best we can do until the fabulous movie comes out. Good news, one actor was selected for Christian, got a whiff of the script, and ran screaming. I’m thinking they should get Macauley Culkin. He needs the work. I’d say Hugo, but he has way too much class.
Will I watch the movie? Of course I will. And I’ll review it – eventually. I still haven’t managed to get more than 15 minutes through Eclipse, though, so it might be a while. After reviewing the first two Twilight movies, I had to let my stomach rest. Also, I had the Things to help me with those two reviews, and I’m pretty sure people might consider that child abuse. I know they did. So next time I’ll be on my own.
Unless I get CRC.
That’s right, folks, Boppo is baaaack! Sorry I left him floating around aimlessly in Sim land there for a while. I figured he needed some time to cool off, what with me setting him on fire in the last post. So what’s in store for Boppo today? Let’s see. Oh, and if in case you missed the last post LINK DROP!
Let’s take a peek and see what’s going on with our little clown friend. (click to enlarge)
Obviously social services is a little touched, but don’t worry, they’ll rescue baby from whatever unfortunate accidents might befall poor Boppo. Not that this would happen, of course. Boppo quickly gets to know baby.
I see people do this with their kids a lot, and they aren’t even clowns. Some of them really get those kids airborne. I can just see their tiny brains rattling around in their skulls. Baby is bound to get a bit nauseous too.
Now I was tempted to just leave the toddler with him until he went insane but maybe I’ll put him out of his misery earlier. Let’s see, last time was fire, this time – how about water? Drown the clown!
Here’s Boppo getting ready to jump in the pool. For some strange reason, Sims cannot just climb out of the pool on their own. There must be a ladder. It’s become such a common way to rub out a Sim that when they created Sims 2, the creators made a family who had lost the father in a freak pool ladder accident. Anyhoo, take note of that ladder in the corner, cause it’s gonna disappear.
Oh, ohs! Oh, hey, what happened here?
I forgot that one of the many expansion packs has people show up randomly when a Sim gets interested in some hobby. Like, say, if the Sim is gardening, some garden Sim will show up. Well, Boppo has gotten really interested in fitness (since he has to keep swimming to keep alive) so this guy just appeared and dropped right into the pool . . . and into my deadly trap. Oh oh, spaghettios!
So now we have both Boppo and random dude (as Thing One named him) swimming around in circles. I sped it up cause I’m a busy gal and he has a lot more ways to die. At one point, his bladder went down so low he peed in the pool. You can see bubbles come up – seriously! I bet random guy was thrilled to swim in Boppo’s pee.
But there’s only so long Boppo can keep treadin’ water.
Anddd death has to come again.
Notice that the dog, some random girl that showed up, and random dude just ignore the whole thing. But don’t worry for them. Social services came for the baby – they have this awesome way of beaming babies out of trouble – and animal control came for the poodle, Wee Wee, and the hamster of death. So all’s well that ends well – except for Boppo of course.
At least until I bring him back to life. Again. And kill him. Again. Stay tuned for Boppo’s next torture on the menu: The Box.
As promised, here is my post on The Sims. This has been one of my favorite games for a while. It’s been through 3 different transformations, all of them grossing millions. It’s like people like playing God or something. Go figure.
Sims 2 is my favorite. I am not always cruel to my Sims. Sometimes I let them have cute families. If you want to talk about pixels having a mind of their own, these guys really do – or seem to anyway. As long as you leave their free will on (Yeah, you can take that away too. Or, uh, so I hear.) they will do all sorts of funny things all on their own. They will hug, kiss, babies will try to eat their toys, and children will run and greet adults when they get home from work. And everyone goes to work in a carpool. Even the thieves.
But since I’m tying this post into the last one, where I talk about killing those cute Virtual Families, this post will address torturing Sims. Since it might be hard to torture someone who looks so lifelike, I decided to create something most people wouldn’t mind kicking around. That’s right, a clown. I call him Boppo Sadface.
When you create a Sim, you can not only decide what they look like and how to dress them (in this case, horribly) you can also decide their personality. You can either randomly select one of the astrological signs, or you can add the points yourself. And you can choose an aspiration for your Sim. Like whether he wants money, or family, or romance. You’ll notice I gave Boppo no nice points, yet made him want lots of friends. He’s also a very sloppy Sim, as evidenced by his lack of points in that area, and the fact that he is digging something out of his ear right now. He did that all on his own.
Next up, Boppo needs company. I figured no humans would volunteer to be with him, but why not a dog? And what dog is undeniably annoying? A poodle of course. Boppo has a dog named Wee Wee (cause that’s what pet dogs do best). You can give the pets personalities too. Wee Wee is aggressive, sloppy, and dumb as a post.
Now that we’ve got those two taken care of, it’s time to find Boppo a home! I tried to make it appropriate.
Yes, his house looks like a psychedelic nightmare, complete with lawn gnomes, flamingos, ceramic (at least I think they are) rabbit heads, kitten heads, bears, and chickens filling his front lawn. I circled a few things to bring them to your attention. First off, see that thing to the left circled in pink? That’s a supposed “marshmallow roaster”, yet is much closer to a circular flame thrower. You might guess where I’m going with this one.
The green circle to the far right is the stupid, violent poodle Wee Wee. In the middle is a yellow circle around the hamster cage. One of my readers informed me that her Sim died from the bite of one of these squeaky critters. So I had to buy one for Boppo. His name is Help Meeee. Ironically, both the hamster and the clown are on my little wheel of death. Bwahahahahahaha . . . moving on.
Death one: Clown on fire!
For this one, you can use any old stove or fireplace, but for ultimate efficiency, I prefer the marshmallow roaster. Just move it into his room, remove the door, and watch the show. Make sure there’s no fire alarm to call the fire fighters or something crazy like that. Observe:
In case you were wondering, yeah that’s a rack of bowling balls on fire in the corner of his room. It’s only a matter of time now. Don’t worry, I had Wee Wee leave the room. I’m not cruel or nothin’.
It’s horrible, and yet fascinating to watch them. First they totally panic and race around in circles. No thought to say, grabbing a fire extinguisher or calling fire fighters. When in danger, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout. At least until your butt catches on fire. You’re in trouble then. Best defense? No stop, drop, and roll here. Just bounce up and down while attempting to blow out the flames from your clothes.
Strangely this method does not work well for them. Soon enough, the Grim Reaper arrives, and this is one of the funniest parts. You can tell he’s freaking annoyed by his job, just like the rest of us. He shakes his head, pulls out some paperwork, makes a call to the underworld on his cell phone . . . no seriously.
So this post ended up longer than I intended, and I’ve got lots of ways to kill Sims left to go! There’s death by electrocution (Sim + electrical appliance + fork), death by drowning, death by starvation, death by hamster bite and death by flies (I have never achieved either so these are now my goals in life), and so much more. Don’t worry for him – I have him saved, so I can bring him back to life again and again. And then kill him again. If I want.
Shall I mess with Boppo some more? Do you have any Sim stories of your own to tell? Do you want to recommend a mental health hotline for me? Let me know in the comments below!