Tag Archives: slutastic

User Friendly Songs

The next couple of songs I’m bringing to you are what I like to call “user friendly”.  That’s the new PC name for, as twindaddy would say, “People with welcome mats in front of their crotches.”  Now technically I’ve done this before under the “Chipper Cheatin’ Song” heading with songs like “Run Around Sue” and “The Wanderer” – hilariously sung by the exact same person.  They certainly do fall in this category, and likewise the two songs I’ll introduce could fall into chipper cheatin’.  But I just really wanted to use the phrase “User Friendly” cause I like it.  Here we go.

First up is the 1995 hit “Macarena”.  This is one of those songs so popular it not only was played on the radio until your ears bled, it also inspired a stupid dance craze!  What was great about this dance was that anybody, no matter how uncoordinated, could do it, since it mostly involved hopping and slapping your butt.  And they STILL play this song at weddings and other special occasions, so it’s not going away any time soon.  Think of it as the modern day Chicken Dance, only more slut-tastic.

Heyyyyyy Macarena . . . you're welcome.

Heyyyyyy Macarena . . . you’re welcome.

Our girl of the hour, apparently named Macarena, likes to dance with lots of men.  If you’re good she’ll take you home with her.  She might take several of you.  Now she has a boyfriend, but she doesn’t really like him, so don’t worry about him even if his name is Spike and he bench presses large buildings for fun.  So Macarena cheats on him, but she has a perfectly understandable reason for doing so.

What was I supposed to do?

He was out of town.

And his two friends were soooo fine.

Good point, there, Macarena.  I mean, he was gone, but his hot friends were there, so what could you do?  Wait, did she say his two friends were so fine?  Well, if you’re gonna cheat, go all the way.  Very impressive, girlfriend.  Now her parts are the only ones you can understand.  Otherwise we’ve got these two guys chanting in Spanish.  I took years of Spanish but still can’t translate all of it except random bits like “thing good” but I’m pretty sure “she’s a tramp” is in there somewhere.

Now the video is incredibly inspiring, if your name is Britney Spears.  Otherwise it’s just a bunch of girls in crop tops and spandex shorts bouncing around and lip synching to the song – I guess to prove that any gal can be Macarena if she just lowers her standards a lot.  Then every once in a while you get those two old guys in suits on the album cover who chant the chorus.  I don’t know why they don’t wear spandex shorts.  Maybe even the Macarena has some sense of decency deep down.  Deeeep deep down.  Take a look.

Next up, just to be fair, is a user-friendly guy.  Lou Bega brought us “Mambo No. 5” in 1999.  This was another very popular song that was played over and over until people stormed the radio stations with sticks.  Not really, but I would have liked to see that.  Lou tells us his dating philosophy.

A little bit of annoyance in your brain . . .

A little bit of annoyance in your brain . . .

To me flirtin’ it’s just like a sport
Anything fly it’s all good let me dump it
Please set in the trumpet (from lyricsfreak.com)

That didn’t make much sense, so I looked on several other lyrics’ sites, because sometimes they don’t agree.  But these all did.  So he’s wanting to dump something and set in the trumpet. So is he going to sit in the trumpet, or set something inside the trumpet?  What is he dumping?  The world may never know.  Anyway, like Macarena, Lou’s not all that picky.  He lists all the girls he’s supposedly “flirted” with, much like Dion did in The Wanderer, only his list is longer.

A little bit of Monica in my life
A little bit of Erica by my side
A little bit of Rita is all I need
A little bit of Tina is what I see
A little bit of Sandra in the sun
A little bit of Mary all night long
A little bit of Jessica here I am
A little bit of you makes me your man

Uh, no thanks, Lou.  After all those other girls, I might be afraid of “a little bit of Herpes” comin’ my way.  Lou also lists dance steps, though I don’t think anyone bothered copying these.  They were too busy trying to remember the names of all the girls Lou had hit.  Hopefully Lou wrote all their names and numbers on the bathroom wall for the convenience of his friends.

I’ll just tell ya right up, this video makes the Macarena video look like something classy out of Masterpiece Theater.  It is not safe for work, unless you work at a porn store, then go right ahead.  I’m really not kidding here.  Thing starts out normal, showing a bunch of freaky old mambo dances, then goes to our Lou with his magic marker stash peepin’ in on these women who are gyrating in their underwear (which covers almost half a butt cheek), over and over and over.  This is probably the point at which I will lose most of my straight male readers who have left to check out Rita, Tina, and Sandra, so I might as well stop for the rest of us too.  Be safe, guys.